Telling my mum I'm engaged - advice?

LittleMissAlx

My fiancé and have been engaged for a couple of months now and it's been our little secret. My mum is very much only focused on my studies - should point out I'm 23, and won't finish uni until I'm nearly 25 (vet student). We've been together for 15months and they've met once and it went reasonably well. He'll never live up to my ex in her eyes, but he is the sweetest kindest most gorgeous man I've ever met and it's totally the right thing marrying him. Anyway, she won't be exactly over the moon like some mums.

Anyway, we're having another 'proposal' in a couple of weeks time after which we're planning on telling everyone - I know it sounds a little mad, but our entire relationship has been a bit like this and it works for us - anyway, we're going out to dinner in London and he's going to do it then. Immediately after this, I'm meant to be getting on a train to spend two weeks with my mum for Christmas. Do I ring her at the station when he's there, or do I wait until I arrive to spring the news on her?

Any advice on this sort of thing would be appreciated. I really want her to be happy about this, but I know that's not the most important thing, but I'd like the whole experience to be as less stressful as possible - and planning it helps! Xx

annabellj

i vote for before. it sounds like you have a little stress when it comes to mom. all I can say is you are lucky you have her in your life! If you were my kid, I would want to know sooner rather than later. You dont know if it might slip out and then she would be even more upset. good luck!

grassette

It would be ideal if you and your fiance could anounce it together. Try to make it happen. But tell her first before you tell your friends.

lindalou4850

i thnk you should tell your mom a head of time that he is coming. Maybe even tell her that the two of you are engaged. It would give her some tie to think about it before you go see her. How much longer before you actually get married??Good Luck

LittleMissAlx

My family pretty much just is my mum - my parents got divorced six years ago, then my dad died over the summer (we weren't close) so there really is just her to tell. Because of where Christmas falls this year - both Christmas and new year on weekends, he's got to see his family, and financially can't afford to come and see mine until afterwards (we spent quite a lot on the ring!) and I don't really want to leave it much longer... So whilst I'd like him to be there, it kinda looks like I'm doing it on my own

beccyleigh

If you think you are old enough to be engaged then you are old enough to be honest with your mum about it, call her first thing in the morning & tell her you are engaged, if she kicks up a stink, remind her you are an adult & that you would hope she will be happy for you but if she isn't then you hope she will be grown up enough to accept it graciously.

Sorry I don't believe in deception, you are with someone you love & part of being an adult & having an adult relationship is recognizing that there are only 2 people in it.

Family & friends should not be given priority over your fiances feelings, tbh I am amazed he is putting up with this charade.

gazz777

Advice ? Tell her the next time you speak. Make sure you tell her to sit down lol, and you love her, respect her but you are now your own person.

You will find the rest of the 'moving forward' things will be easier after that.

Limber up, jump that hurdle and off you go. Another step in your total fitness my friend.

christine24t

tell her asap. if he can't be there for a couple of weeks, tell her now because if she happened to find out in any way, she would be devestated you didn't tell her. call her and tell her right now.

CakeFit21

If you think you are old enough to be engaged then you are old enough to be honest with your mum about it, call her first thing in the morning & tell her you are engaged, if she kicks up a stink, remind her you are an adult & that you would hope she will be happy for you but if she isn't then you hope she will be grown up enough to accept it graciously.

Sorry I don't believe in deception, you are with someone you love & part of being an adult & having an adult relationship is recognizing that there are only 2 people in it.

Family & friends should not be given priority over your fiances feelings, tbh I am amazed he is putting up with this charade.

yes yes yes

LittleMissAlx

I know it sounds crazy, but I guess you'd have to know my mum. She's had depression since the divorce and is a little bit mental, and my life is run how it is to make it easier and less stressful for me. My fiancé gets this completely, and to be fair he wanted a bit of time to prepare to tell his family too. And we were waiting for the proper ring, which I now have. Anyway, thank you all for the advice, and I'll tell her as soon as I can.

BKR1977

You said "but he is the sweetest kindest most gorgeous man I've ever met and it's totally the right thing marrying him."

Tell that to your mother. As a woman she'll be happy. It doesn't matter when. Just let her share the joy. You've been with him for a while and your studies have been fine. She has nothing to worry about.

Better than "hey mom, i'm pregnant and getting married tomorrow, wanna come?"

trazrene

i did it the easy way...."Mom, Dad, This is Terry - your new son-in-law." HAHAHAA 20 years later and we're still happy, if not happier!! I still wear my original $15.00 wedding band!!! *True Story

boomboom011

Tell her asap. Dont drop bombs on christmas.

PudgyPigeon

You said "but he is the sweetest kindest most gorgeous man I've ever met and it's totally the right thing marrying him."

Tell that to your mother. As a woman she'll be happy. It doesn't matter when. Just let her share the joy. You've been with him for a while and your studies have been fine. She has nothing to worry about.

Better than "hey mom, i'm pregnant and getting married tomorrow, wanna come?"

OH MY GOSH- that last line made me laugh so hard I snorted. Thaaaanks!
Anyways- looks like everybody has said what I was going to. Good luck!

BarbWhite09

Having to keep your relationship so hush hush is a little odd. If you're proud of your relationship there's no reason to have to keep stuff a secret. They'll either accept it or they won't.

hikeout470

I know it sounds crazy, but I guess you'd have to know my mum. She's had depression since the divorce and is a little bit mental, and my life is run how it is to make it easier and less stressful for me. My fiancé gets this completely, and to be fair he wanted a bit of time to prepare to tell his family too. And we were waiting for the proper ring, which I now have. Anyway, thank you all for the advice, and I'll tell her as soon as I can.

Oooh, hits home. A little reminder that your parents problems are not yours, but noted. They exist. This note hits a little too close to home. Please do not make exceptions to your happiness because of your Mother's feelings about her life decisions or consequences.

livnlite

I am not a fan of deception. I would be mortified to find out my daughter had been holding something so life changing from me and even moreso that she felt she couldn't tell me her intentions.

If Mum is a little 'difficult' then do it the old fashioned way if you have to, but for the love of God DO IT ... You want to be an adult, it's time to act like one. THIS is an important matter, much too important to leave her out of it because you are afraid to confront her. You are not children anymore. Stand up ... both of you and get on with it.

Have your fiance formally ask for your hand in marriage. Explain your goals and plans and that you do not intend to change your education goals, to calm her concerns. Ya never know, she might warm up to the idea. I am assuming she knows your fiance well enough to approve of him... If she doesn't, maybe it's time to give her the opportunity to do so, and make it happen.