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Kid related- not weight related

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Pollywog39
Pollywog39 Posts: 1,730 Member
I am worried about my grandson, and how my daughter and her fiance are raising him. Now, maybe this is "normal" behavior for a 4-yr old, and I shouldn't be concerned.......I raised girls, and he's a boy, and maybe this is to be expected?

Anyway - for about the last 6 months, he refuses to go places. Now, I could understand if it was to a new place, or with people he doesn't know.......but he whines, cries, walks away, kicks and causes a fuss whenever he goes ANYWHERE, especially if Momma doesn't go with him.

He used to come to my place and spend the night - at least twice a month. He's not done that for over 6 months, and has only been over for a visit a couple of times. He does go to his other grandparent's house, but not without a fuss every time.............she is his primary day-care a few days a week.

Examples of his behavior: Thanksgiving at my other daughters (grandson's Auntie). He's been there, QUITE a number of times. He came to the door with his parents, took one look inside, and turned and walked out to the yard, where he hid by a tree and refused to come in. Auntie's BF went out after a while, picked him up and plopped him in the kitchen, where he hid behind Momma and whined for at least 15 minutes. He was fine after that.

My birthday was on Tues - we were meeting at a restaurant. I and my younger daughter and her BF met there first........Grandsons' dad had to work. They arrived (late) and were walking towards us, and Grandson stopped, turned around, and went back to the entrance of the place.....Daddy followed, and it was many minutes of "trying to talk him into coming in". I'd had enough and went to get him, but he fussed and fumed, and I walked away. It took about 20 minutes to "convince" him to come in and sit down with us. Again, within about 10 more minutes, he was fine.

I have gotten angry with his Mother, as she seems to be the one who allows this behavior the most.....her answer is "Well, do you want me to FORCE him to go places and watch him have a meltdown?" Well, yes, if that's what it takes a few times, then I think he'll be okay! She gets mad at me if I give advice, so I try to stay out of it.

Is this normal behavior for a 4-yr old? I am worried about him going to school in the fall...................he'll be 5 this summer. What if this keeps happening?

Am I a worried gramma for nothing?

Replies

  • jennajava
    jennajava Posts: 2,176 Member
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    I think the bigger question here is, why do you obviously not trust your daughter?
  • Pollywog39
    Pollywog39 Posts: 1,730 Member
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    Why do you think I don't trust her? That's a silly question.

    I am worried about behavior that doesn't appear rational to me........................it's a change in his normal demeanor and is outside my realm of knowledge.

    This is her first and only child - she is no expert. I can only compare my experiences with HER and her sister to know what 4-yr old behavior is like. Neither of them did this.

    I didn't ask for your snarkiness, either.
  • jennajava
    jennajava Posts: 2,176 Member
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    and how my daughter and her fiance are raising him.

    I don't recall being snarky.
  • Sherie13
    Sherie13 Posts: 250 Member
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    Polly, I don't have kids, but I'm around a lot of kids. I'm sure that since this is your daughter's only child, she lets him have more "freedom" than you are used to. It seems to me that lots of people want their kids to be independent and make decisions and be their friends a lot more than when I was a kid or when you were a kid. When we were little there is no way we would have ever argued or talked back or hid from an adult... any adult. But times are different and you are the grandmother, not the mother. I hate to say that you can't really do anything, but you can't. If your daughter and her fiance are ok with his behavior you just have to let it go and hope that he grows out of it. Don't worry... Just be the best Grandma you can be and let the cards fall where they may.
  • kb455
    kb455 Posts: 679 Member
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    Honestly, it kind of sounds like he may be overly shy. All of my sons went through a phase where they just wanted me and nobody else but they got over that by about 1 1/2 years old. I can understand why entering a roomful of people could be overwhelming for a kid. I was painfully shy as a kid (even that young) and I didn't outgrow it until maybe middle school.
  • 2bFitNTrim
    2bFitNTrim Posts: 1,209 Member
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    I'm not sure why the child is fussing like that when he goes places, and it is obvious that you care & love him very much. As much as you are frustrated with your daughter for not addressing the problem, my opinion is that you should just back away & let her deal (or not deal) with it as she sees fit. I know it is frustrating when you go places & he behaves like that, but it is HER child, not yours. As far as school next year goes, if he is still behaving this way, the teacher or counselors may be able to offer help or guidance to your daughter. For now, just be as supportive as you can. Just my opinion. :flowerforyou:
  • stephevers1227
    stephevers1227 Posts: 175 Member
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    All I can say is what my experience was with my kids. My son (who I later found out was on the autism spectrum) used to have a complete meltdown every time I left him at the day care. Separation anxiety. The teacher told me, one day, to walk around and look through the window...he was laughing and playing (30 seconds after I left him, bawling). I had to change my behavior, not him. The next day, I kissed him, told him to have a great day and I'd see him after school and walked out. Never cried again. Maybe your grandson has anxiety because something else changed in his life, or maybe he was getting in trouble every time they went out...but it will change when he starts school. They do conform for some reason...he'll do what his friends do. Just love your daughter and don't make her feel like she's screwing up. Offer to take him out to lunch one time without her and see if he has this behavior when his parents aren't there. Might be seeking attention?
  • rossi02
    rossi02 Posts: 549 Member
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    Maybe he's going through a phase of wanting to be with his mom. Some kids don't deal with separation anxiety till they are older. Also, maybe he's not fond of crowds. My youngest isn't big on crowds and the more people try to get him to engage, the more he will pull back, he's 2.. so that's developmently a lot different than 4. Now, my 4 year old is very sensitive to loud noises.. are the places your grandson having an issue with typically loud? Avery (my 4 year old) is very outgoing, but if he goes into a loud places, it freaks him out and he will be on edge untill we leave.

    I know it has to be frustrating, but please.. please.. PLEASE don't let your grandson see that it frustrates you. Because that will only make it worse. Who knows, maybe he's aware that he will be starting school next year and it has him stressed, especially since he's only had family for daycare. He may be stressed at the thought of being without his close family all day.. that they could forget him.
  • carrie_eggo
    carrie_eggo Posts: 1,396 Member
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    My oldest son is very shy and we went through some times where he was like that. He's almost 7 now.

    For a while, if we were going to a family get together and there was going to be a lot of people there, we would have to get there early before everybody arrived so he would be ok with all of the people being there.

    I think it's a form of social anxiety. It is a very real thing and a very real fear for the child. I used to (and still do) get SO frustrated with him because he wouldn't act NORMAL! He is still very sensitive and shy, but it is getting better.

    Hopefully your grandson will out grow it. He just needs extra TLC. :heart:
  • Pollywog39
    Pollywog39 Posts: 1,730 Member
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    Thanks for those ideas and thoughts.

    My only time getting upset with my daugher was on my birthday............and after I told her my thoughts, I apologized and said that this type of behavior was outside my knowledge-base, and that it bothered me. We were okay after that.

    I DO try to stay out of things in her and her fiance's life - I know my boundaries, and know that he is THEIR child. I don't butt in where I'm not wanted, as our relationship has been tenuous since I left her father (and that's over 10 yrs ago ;) she's a bit of a grudge-holder, which is a trait of her father's. There are issues with her father and her fiance.............and maybe some of this new behavior stems from that? They live in a duplex - they're upstairs, my 'x' is downstairs. I've wondered if that is part of this new behavior, but she does NOT discuss anything with me about goings-on in the house.

    I guess I wouldn't be so concerned, except that this is NEW behavior. He used to go places with me a lot, and stayed at my house, and we could go to restaurants and parks and all that.......now? Well, it's just different, and bothersome. I love him SO much, and want to be a part of his life (he's my only grandchild.)

    Many around Dane have tried to convince his mom that he should go to preschool - I am not the only one noticing these things. She procrastinated and didn't get him signed up, and just makes excuses (I don't understand that, either.) He's a bright little boy - very conversational, very fun, really smart for his age (is that a gramma speaking? lol)

    Will try to just let it go, and hope for the best. Thanks for the good words :smile:
  • Pollywog39
    Pollywog39 Posts: 1,730 Member
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    My oldest son is very shy and we went through some times where he was like that. He's almost 7 now.

    For a while, if we were going to a family get together and there was going to be a lot of people there, we would have to get there early before everybody arrived so he would be ok with all of the people being there.

    I think it's a form of social anxiety. It is a very real thing and a very real fear for the child. I used to (and still do) get SO frustrated with him because he wouldn't act NORMAL! He is still very sensitive and shy, but it is getting better.

    Hopefully your grandson will out grow it. He just needs extra TLC. :heart:

    This makes sense........as it seems to be an anxiety thing. And my frustration, too, is that (to me) it's not normal. And I know my daughter has a hard time with it.........but, as her Mom, I think she's contributing to it (but maybe she's NOT??)

    I am just confused, and want to see him be a happy, social, well-balanced kid.
  • carrie_eggo
    carrie_eggo Posts: 1,396 Member
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    My oldest son is very shy and we went through some times where he was like that. He's almost 7 now.

    For a while, if we were going to a family get together and there was going to be a lot of people there, we would have to get there early before everybody arrived so he would be ok with all of the people being there.

    I think it's a form of social anxiety. It is a very real thing and a very real fear for the child. I used to (and still do) get SO frustrated with him because he wouldn't act NORMAL! He is still very sensitive and shy, but it is getting better.

    Hopefully your grandson will out grow it. He just needs extra TLC. :heart:

    This makes sense........as it seems to be an anxiety thing. And my frustration, too, is that (to me) it's not normal. And I know my daughter has a hard time with it.........but, as her Mom, I think she's contributing to it (but maybe she's NOT??)

    I am just confused, and want to see him be a happy, social, well-balanced kid.

    I totally get where you're coming from. With my son, I get so frustrated too. I want the same: for him to be happy, social and well balanced. It's even harder now that his little brother is almost 3 and is the exact opposite.

    I TRY to remember that his feelings are very real to him. I finally came to the conclusion that the only thing I can do (aside from counseling) is love him.
  • AwesomelyAmber
    AwesomelyAmber Posts: 1,617 Member
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    It is so hard to be the 'loved one on the side lines'... We all see things that we would handle differently:ohwell: . Case in point, my niece...the little devil will behave so beautifully and well mannered for all except her mom and dad. They cannot wash her hair or give her a bath because she screams like a maniac, she talks back to them, writes on the walls etc etc:noway: . She doesn't act that like with me or my mom so we really don't get it. But as much as YOU (or I) want to say "Come on people! Do something about this!"...fact of the matter is that you can only do what YOU can do. I agree with a previous poster that you just need to be the best grammy you can be and let the cards fall where they may. After all, lots of kids whine cry and pout when they don't want to do something...but you don't see many full grown adults that act that way! I say MANY only because there are ALWAYS exceptions:laugh: ! He really will be ok, whether it is a phase that he needs to grow out of OR a more serious condition that his mom and dad may see down the road. Either way, I'm glad you are in his corner:flowerforyou:
  • loved11
    loved11 Posts: 92 Member
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    i know you are worried, but just try to be loving and supportive to him and your daughter. I love all the advice here so far but just a zinger if i may, a friends daughter is a outgoing and loving girl, when she was 7 she would cry and panick and run to the toilet and feel like she was going to vomit, she would want to be with her mom always. turned out she was being sexually abused. I am not saying that is happening to your grandson, it is probly just the separation anxiety that kids have at many different ages, all of my kids had it at different times in their lives. Lots of love and communication before the outings and maybe some positive reward for having good manners worked with mine. All kids respond differently to different approaches. But since that happened to my friends daughter i always try to be a little more aware of this when i see out of character behavior. There is a list of the top 10 signs of abuse, just google it and check it out. I am not trying to scare you just something to think about and maybe bring up to your daughter.
  • Regmama
    Regmama Posts: 399 Member
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    Guess what, some kids are like that. I watch a girl with sensory issues and a boy with sensory issues and you wouldn't believe the things that set them off. And, when researching it, I get their little "quirks" If there is something more than a shy child the teachers will let your daughter know that they think he should be evaluated. Just think how hard it is on your daughter having to reassure her son everywhere they go.
  • rachelmorgan77
    rachelmorgan77 Posts: 131 Member
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    My son is a lot like this. Just remember, your daughter probably feels just as bad about it. I call it mommy guilt. I constantly felt guilty, that I had screwed this child up for life. I should have stayed home instead of going back to work, he's the third kid so I didn't give him enough attention, he was a "surprise" so maybe I didn't love him enough in the womb...the mommy guilt is endless. He just needed a lot more attention from me than the others did. He's still a "momma's boy" and is very clingy, but that's okay. They're only little once. And if you're super concerned, maybe suggest having your daughter talk to her pediatrician about it. But bring it up in a way that you're not pointing out a fault of your daughter's, but maybe she needs some support going through this phase. Just remember, the mommmy guilt is overwhelming so try to be as supportive of your daughter as you can be. Good luck!
  • Regmama
    Regmama Posts: 399 Member
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    Many around Dane have tried to convince his mom that he should go to preschool - I am not the only one noticing these things. She procrastinated and didn't get him signed up, and just makes excuses (I don't understand that, either.) He's a bright little boy - very conversational, very fun, really smart for his age (is that a gramma speaking? lol)

    Will try to just let it go, and hope for the best. Thanks for the good words :smile:
    You think preschool is good, your daughter may not. In all actuality, I think preschool is a terrible idea for children with involved parents. At his age, he still needs his parents more than needing a teacher. Then again, we homeschool and our children are plenty social.
  • Pollywog39
    Pollywog39 Posts: 1,730 Member
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    Really good advice here................I needed this.

    I am single, live alone, and so I don't have someone to "bounce" this stuff off of. Having raised daughters (who are in their 30's now), I'm pretty far removed from KID behavior, and never did have much experience with boys.

    Dane is a wonderful child..............but this new behavior has been really, really hard for me. When he tells me he doesn't want to come to my house, that he 'hates' me (which he's said.........but he's said that about everyone, so I try not to take offense), it's very difficult. I know he's only 4, and he's testing his way through life - so I try to shake it off.

    Will take your advice to love him, love my daughter and support her, and try not to interfere - and pray that he outgrows this soon!

    Hugs to all.........you people rock :glasses: :glasses:
  • kkidsmom
    kkidsmom Posts: 2
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    Hello,

    I am a mom of a boy, now 5, who, at 3.5 was diagnosed with (and is not considered a "real" diagnosis in The Diagnostic Manual of Mental Illness, don't let the name of the manual alarm you.) Sensory Processing Disorder and now, a few weeks ago, ADHD. Now, I am not saying your grandson has either. But, I will say a few things to get you thinking. My little guy had problems with transitions. Transition, from activity to activity, going from the house to the car, from the car into a store and similiar things. It was the transition that set him off to be "off". He also did not like close contact after the age of 2. After his Developmental Ped. told me about Sensory Processing Disorder, I read everything I could. Great website, The Out of Sync child, Sensational kids (these are books, too). Also, if you are on facebook, type in sensory, and there are many parent/grandparent pages that will post updates and suggestions on your wall. I love it!
    My son got evaluated at the public school, and is in his last your of preschool, special ed. His teacher and team of specialist there have been amazing, knowing of his sensory issues.
    I have to prepare him for every, every ( and sometimes I forget, get mad or don't do it in time) transition in his life. And even though he has been going to preschool four days a week for a year, he still gives me a "difficult" time from transititoning from lunch to washing up and brushing teeth, and getting dressed....everyday! Once we get past that hump, going out to the bus is almost simple
    I had a very rough time getting to "know" what my son needed. People judged him, me , my husband. We were bad parents, he was a bad kid. I am in therapy to help ME cope with that and all my other stresses in life!!
    Your daughter should seek support, if she has not already. Start with the pediatrician. Bring some info about SPD. ASk for a referral to a Developmental Ped. Go in knowing her son.
    My son has ADHD, too. Very active. But very smart. But hard for him to focus. So, for kindergarten, his plan , Which is a IEP, individual eduaction plan, is being made NOW to set in place the breaks he will need to funcition in a fast pace classroom. KIndergarten is play anymore. I am so worried...but will be there every step of the way.
    I am a stay at home mom. I am a student. Did I mention I have to more kids!!! 10 and 8.5. I won't trade any of it for anything. Some days, I am frustrated, tired, exhausted, pissed, humiliatied, but I also, have come a long way. I don't let others bring me down about my son. He is a love. Please feel free to email me here...I believe in helping as much as I can with the little I know.
    There is so much to sensory, and I think it may be worth looking into. Sincerely, Melanie
    PS he doesn't hate you, he probably is so overstimulated, he cannot cope. He can learn...
  • Pollywog39
    Pollywog39 Posts: 1,730 Member
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    thanks so much for your input, Melanie! I really appreciate the time and explanation you gave........

    Since I wrote that post, I have noticed that Dane has gotten better in dealing with life's situations.........he has spent more time with me, and doesn't appear to have the same anxiety issues as he did last fall. Maybe this was just a short-term adjustment time for him, so we'll see what happens as he approaches "going to school."

    I will certainly keep your advice in mind, and possibly make suggestions to my daughter if need be.

    Again, thank you!

    Polly