at war.... with a mirror
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SerenaFisher
Posts: 2,170 Member
in Chit-Chat
I just recently joined a support group for people who suffer from ED, I was going to post this souly in the group but thought someone here might benefit from it as well. This was a blog I posted on LIVESTRONG.com when I used it as my main calorie tracking website, but I stopped because.. there wasn't much support (hard to believe people online are "as clique orientated as real people) and I didn't have an app for my phone. Like I do for fitnesspal! In any case here it is. It's two parts. The first part was "PAST STRUGGLE: Eating Disorder" and the second part was "At war... with a mirror"
I was born to a loving family, I grew up being told I could do anything I wanted, be anything I wanted, and above all else that I was special and no one should ever tell me otherwise. I was a strong independent young girl, and despite having a few social issues and a feeling of awkwardness in my teen years due to a move in my mid-teens I never once doubted my self worth. I just assumed people didn't understand me, and given the nature of the world and the way of teens that really didn't surpire me. I was fine living in my art, my poetry, and yes admitadly online through role play, or website development. Despite this though I cannot stress enough how much potential I knew I had, and how sure of myself I was. Confidence for me was never an issue.
I always knew I was more mature and more developed than the average girl of my age, but I embraced my hips, my shape, I had curves and I wasn't ashamed of them. In example by the age of 15 I was 5'7" 135lbs. By the age of 17 I was 5'8" 142lbs (the weight I joined the military at.) Though I barely qualified by height/weight charts in the military I never really worried about my weight. I considered myself average, curvacious, beautiful, and unique. I knew a lot of girls weren't as tlal as me, and the few that were tended to weigh less than I did. I just assumed that I was meant to be a little bigger than average and there was nothing wrong with that.
So perhaps this is why it was so shocking for my family, and me when I finally realized it, that I fell victim to anorexia. It was actually a combination of body dysmorphia and anorexia, the dysmorphia is likely what lead to the anorexia but that's despite the fact. At the age of 19 I was in what I thought was the relationship of my life, and we were going to have a baby. I thought that the father of my child was the most amazing being in the world, and I thought I was the luckiest woman on the planet. I was absolutely head over heals in love with this man, and the idea of having a baby with him? Well that only made it that much sweeter. I never imagined that the birth of my son, and the reaction of his father to my post-partum depression mixed with a few diet pills could take me from the strong woman I knew I was growing up, to a woman that would have to spend the rest of her life facing a fun house mirror.
July 2003 my son was born, a healthy, beautiful, baby boy with blue eyes and a heart warming smile. I was amazed in the moment, but the moment quickly faded in the mix of diapers, healing parts I never knew existed, and the sad truth that my body would never ever be the same again. After leaving the hospital I tried on a pair of what once were very loose jeans, and I couldn't zip them up. The disapointment only rose when I stepped on the scale and my 142lbs frame was 170lbs (and remained there a week after my sons birth). I hated myself, I hated my figure, and post partum and realization that life as I knew it had completely ended only added to my anxiety. I can remember laying on the carpet of my living room floor stroking the stretch marks across my stomach and just balling because I was so sad that I would never see the stomach I remember again. I guess in general I was just crying myself to sleep, so I decided to pull out a bottle of Phentermine I had illegally purchased from the 'net a year earlier to lose the weight. To find some order in my now uncontrolable life.
My anxiety, depression, and weight issues built on top of my lack of ability to grasp motherhood - and my fiance's lack of ability to understand why. Not only did he never try to help me through the fact that I realized I may never pursue my dreams of an education or a life, but he knocked me for even debating school with the birth of our son. He wanted me to hurry up and get a job, and just accept that my life was over and I was never going to be anything more. Sadly at that time I didn't realize the man I thought I loved wasn't anything but a negative control freak that didn't want me to do anything besides be a mother to his child. He didn't even consider me sexually much after the birth of our child, he was always busy, or he was watching television and complaining about my inability to clean a house, cook a good dinner, or do much of anything right. But due to my lack of confidence, and my failing judgement I blamed myself and tried to be better at everything, and just impress someone deep down in my subconscience I feel I knew I couldn't thwart, that's likely why my eating disorder grew to such a large proportion.
I found myself taking Phentermine for a month straight, and when I saw the pounds shed off (mostly from skipping meals) I finally found the control factor I needed. I couldn't clean anything right, the guy I had my son with didn't even look at me as a woman any more, my family was out of my life and an hour away, I had no friends since I moved to a new town with him. However when that scale started dropping by the pound daily, and I saw myself just shed the pounds I found a security blanket. The father of my child even made a few compliments, though double edged, at the time. He said "Wow you look great, if only you'd loose a little more off your butt and thighs." I knew it wasn't the best compliment ever, but it was the only one he'd given me in a long time. Due to his actions, my new insecurities, my constant scuritny with the mirror and inability to see anything beautiful about me... I faded into a person that lived by the scale, crawling from one day to the next trying to prove something I never could to someone who could care less.
By the time I finally managed to leave my ex (and the father of my son) I was 5'8" 115lbs, I hadn't weighed 115lbs since I was in 7th grade. When I came home no one recognized me, they said I was nothing but skin and bones, but the most disenheartening thing was that the light I use to have in my eyes had died out. I struggled for a month to just be able to eat (I hadn't been eating more than 200 or 300 calories for six months, without the help of pills... I had mentally just stopped having a desire to eat, or do much of anything.) My family coaxed me back to health over a four month period. Bless them for seeing what I lost, and there is nothing more powerful than the love of your mother and those members close to you to tell you how much you really matter.
However... My struggle went so deep no one expected what would happen after that.
PS: I didn't think this really fit here... But again, hoping to help someone. Part two below.
I was born to a loving family, I grew up being told I could do anything I wanted, be anything I wanted, and above all else that I was special and no one should ever tell me otherwise. I was a strong independent young girl, and despite having a few social issues and a feeling of awkwardness in my teen years due to a move in my mid-teens I never once doubted my self worth. I just assumed people didn't understand me, and given the nature of the world and the way of teens that really didn't surpire me. I was fine living in my art, my poetry, and yes admitadly online through role play, or website development. Despite this though I cannot stress enough how much potential I knew I had, and how sure of myself I was. Confidence for me was never an issue.
I always knew I was more mature and more developed than the average girl of my age, but I embraced my hips, my shape, I had curves and I wasn't ashamed of them. In example by the age of 15 I was 5'7" 135lbs. By the age of 17 I was 5'8" 142lbs (the weight I joined the military at.) Though I barely qualified by height/weight charts in the military I never really worried about my weight. I considered myself average, curvacious, beautiful, and unique. I knew a lot of girls weren't as tlal as me, and the few that were tended to weigh less than I did. I just assumed that I was meant to be a little bigger than average and there was nothing wrong with that.
So perhaps this is why it was so shocking for my family, and me when I finally realized it, that I fell victim to anorexia. It was actually a combination of body dysmorphia and anorexia, the dysmorphia is likely what lead to the anorexia but that's despite the fact. At the age of 19 I was in what I thought was the relationship of my life, and we were going to have a baby. I thought that the father of my child was the most amazing being in the world, and I thought I was the luckiest woman on the planet. I was absolutely head over heals in love with this man, and the idea of having a baby with him? Well that only made it that much sweeter. I never imagined that the birth of my son, and the reaction of his father to my post-partum depression mixed with a few diet pills could take me from the strong woman I knew I was growing up, to a woman that would have to spend the rest of her life facing a fun house mirror.
July 2003 my son was born, a healthy, beautiful, baby boy with blue eyes and a heart warming smile. I was amazed in the moment, but the moment quickly faded in the mix of diapers, healing parts I never knew existed, and the sad truth that my body would never ever be the same again. After leaving the hospital I tried on a pair of what once were very loose jeans, and I couldn't zip them up. The disapointment only rose when I stepped on the scale and my 142lbs frame was 170lbs (and remained there a week after my sons birth). I hated myself, I hated my figure, and post partum and realization that life as I knew it had completely ended only added to my anxiety. I can remember laying on the carpet of my living room floor stroking the stretch marks across my stomach and just balling because I was so sad that I would never see the stomach I remember again. I guess in general I was just crying myself to sleep, so I decided to pull out a bottle of Phentermine I had illegally purchased from the 'net a year earlier to lose the weight. To find some order in my now uncontrolable life.
My anxiety, depression, and weight issues built on top of my lack of ability to grasp motherhood - and my fiance's lack of ability to understand why. Not only did he never try to help me through the fact that I realized I may never pursue my dreams of an education or a life, but he knocked me for even debating school with the birth of our son. He wanted me to hurry up and get a job, and just accept that my life was over and I was never going to be anything more. Sadly at that time I didn't realize the man I thought I loved wasn't anything but a negative control freak that didn't want me to do anything besides be a mother to his child. He didn't even consider me sexually much after the birth of our child, he was always busy, or he was watching television and complaining about my inability to clean a house, cook a good dinner, or do much of anything right. But due to my lack of confidence, and my failing judgement I blamed myself and tried to be better at everything, and just impress someone deep down in my subconscience I feel I knew I couldn't thwart, that's likely why my eating disorder grew to such a large proportion.
I found myself taking Phentermine for a month straight, and when I saw the pounds shed off (mostly from skipping meals) I finally found the control factor I needed. I couldn't clean anything right, the guy I had my son with didn't even look at me as a woman any more, my family was out of my life and an hour away, I had no friends since I moved to a new town with him. However when that scale started dropping by the pound daily, and I saw myself just shed the pounds I found a security blanket. The father of my child even made a few compliments, though double edged, at the time. He said "Wow you look great, if only you'd loose a little more off your butt and thighs." I knew it wasn't the best compliment ever, but it was the only one he'd given me in a long time. Due to his actions, my new insecurities, my constant scuritny with the mirror and inability to see anything beautiful about me... I faded into a person that lived by the scale, crawling from one day to the next trying to prove something I never could to someone who could care less.
By the time I finally managed to leave my ex (and the father of my son) I was 5'8" 115lbs, I hadn't weighed 115lbs since I was in 7th grade. When I came home no one recognized me, they said I was nothing but skin and bones, but the most disenheartening thing was that the light I use to have in my eyes had died out. I struggled for a month to just be able to eat (I hadn't been eating more than 200 or 300 calories for six months, without the help of pills... I had mentally just stopped having a desire to eat, or do much of anything.) My family coaxed me back to health over a four month period. Bless them for seeing what I lost, and there is nothing more powerful than the love of your mother and those members close to you to tell you how much you really matter.
However... My struggle went so deep no one expected what would happen after that.
PS: I didn't think this really fit here... But again, hoping to help someone. Part two below.
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Replies
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---Begins
Something many people do not realize is the fact that when you suffer from an eating disorder, and have such a low view of yourself that it becomes nearly impossible not to see yourself in a negative way. Since my original issue with anorexia I have had the same thing happen twice. Once in 2005, and than again in 2006. Both times I just woke up and hated what I saw, so I basically stopped eating. It wasn't until (both times) the man I am still with and love dearly express that skeletons are not beautiful did I really realize what I was doing. I wasn't making myself look better, and obviously bones sticking out cannot be healthy.
The hardest part though is that not many can understand how it feels to look through the mirror the way I do. The reason I called this blog "reflections" and have an image of myself reflected in a window is because it's a conceptual view behind my persona where my appearence is concerned. When people hear that I've been 10, 15, even 20lbs heavier or hear that I want to lose "vanity pounds" they go off on me about how "People like you are so silly/stupid to want to lose that weight. You look fine." Many people cannot understand how hard it is for me to just get up every day, eat normal, and not worry about the cause and effect of what I'm doing. I still to this day hate myself some times for eating, but I try to be positive. I try to be strong, because LIFE is more important.
Recently I actually was having a conversation with my mother, she is a very hearty woman and has always treated food in a very excessive way. She has never worried about her weight, at least not openly, and embraces the idea that 'bigger is better'. Perhaps her lack of approach to taking care of herself, or conforming to any set goal for height and weight is why I fought so hard, because I saw her let herself go. Plus she blames all of her weight on having babies, and my first issue with my weight was shortly after I had my son. Paranoia, body dysmorphia, lack of self confidence? I'm sure it's a combination of all this. In any case during this conversation wqith my mother I was drinking more than I probably should and the topic of my weight came up, she explained how she didn't understand me because all she saw was a beautiful, slender, well taken care of woman who could do anything.
Naturally when I heard this I started bawling and explained how she WOULD NEVER understand how painful it was for me to look at myself, to face the mirror and not see everything wrong. I still see it. I still see large thighs, fat calves, big arms, big hips, there is nothing small to me, and I often feel like the biggest girl in the room. I cannot see anything sexy or amazing about myself, and though I have gotten better about it I still find myself facing the war with the mirror. An ongoing battle I just hope I'll never lose again.
I wanted to write about my issue because I am hoping if one woman/guy reads this and get's where I am coming from... And perhaps takes something positive home with them from it, or understands themself better because of it. I feel I have accomplished something. Even if this just brings me closer to fellow members at this website, or people that happen to pass by this page. I wanted to let everyone know that what we wear on the outside isn't always a reality of what's inside. Sometimes those of us that are so quiet at face value are screaming for help inwardly, so pay attention... Luckily my family did, and my fiance did, and I can thank them for giving me new life to living... Despite my issues they are always there standing beside me to help me over the hard steps and I love them so much for that.
---End---
I wrote this in 2009, since then I have managed to maintain a healthy weight, but the negative thoughts in my head, yo yo dieting, and desire to starve myself to a much thinner person has not stopped...Below is a link to a picture to what I looked like when I was ACTUALLY 122lbs, and had gained some weight back. (I won't post the actual image because it might be considered racey)
http://images49.fotki.com/v1457/photos/4/490070/3635056/May2004_JackMusgrove10-vi.jpg
And the pic of me to the left is 130lbs to 135lbs. My profile has pics of me at 150lbs before I lost the weight I wanted to.. It doesn't take much to see which is better... those are the one above, but sometimes I still feel bone is beautiful and wish I could see more sticking through... I know it will always be a part of my life. I accept that, it's my addiction.0 -
Wow I get you so much, nobody will ever understand unless they have the same problem. I mean you worded it exactly! No matter how thin we get it will never be good enough and our eyes will always focus on the "problem areas" that we have....mine are thighs and thats the only thing I see is fat thighs:(0
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Its a hard situation... but you work through it. Ironically we never realize how thin we are. One day I saw a girl and told my bro "swish my thighs were that size" and he said "serena... yours are smaller." We just can't see it0
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I get it. I'm just over 200 pounds right now, and every time I step on the scale I remember when I was just over 100 pounds and still thought I was fat. My obsession was also triggered by an abusive relationship, then furthered by yet another abusive relationship. Someone doesn't have to hit you to scar you. Verbal cruelty is sometimes even more effective.
If I can keep losing weight down to a healthy weight, will I stop there this time, or will I keep losing? I honestly don't know. Probably depends on my circumstances at that point. If I'm stressed and miserable, I probably won't stop. Because being stressed and miserable is what triggers that need for control. At least I don't let people walk all over me anymore, though. Not bosses, not boyfriends, not anyone. No one is ever going to mistreat me again.0 -
You need to love yourself. Or no one will love you. That relationship is just bad news. Get out now! I get where you are coming from.0
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