Very frustrated and angry ...
pixiesx3
Posts: 172 Member
None of you know me. And you don't have to read this. I just have to type it because I am about to blow a flipping gasket.
I'm a single mom of 3 girls. Twins are 11 and in 6th grade. Little is 8 and in 2nd grade (late birthday). My ex does not live around here but is finally paying child support again. My mom moved down here about 18 months ago to help. She is 69 and a type 2 diabetic... insulin 2x per day. She has gained a lot of weight since she has been here because she basically sits on her *kitten* in her recliner and reads, sleeps, or watches TV. That was all she did in NJ at her place but still. She does pick the kids up at school if I have to work over pick-up times. She watches them if I have to work nights or weekends. This is helpful, too. She also helps with some of the bills. Things were rough after my ex left us and until she moved here we were in a downward spiral.
Anyway, I appreciate her help. I appreciate her moving down here. I appreciate everything she has done and does for us. But it is not a one-way street here. I have to make sure she goes to the doctor. I have to take her places because she doesn't know how to get there. I have to put up with her talking with her mouth full ALL THE TIME. Her hiding cookies and other sweets because she knows she is not supposed to eat them but she does anyway. Her blood sugar not being under control because she does this and does not eat right OR follow the doctor's orders. I have to deal with her memory not being what it should be because she doesn't manage her sugar. Then when I remind her nicely about something or ask if she remembers... and I only do this occasionally, she flies off the handle. Conversely, when she forgets something or mixes it up, she asks why I don't remind her or she uses the excuse that she is old. I make ALL of the calls for doctors, specialists, etc. I make all of the calls for utilities, bill questions, etc. I am solely responsible for planning and making dinners. No problem, I'd have to do that if I was alone but then it wouldn't be coupled with the fact that she SITS AND DOES NOTHING most of the day on most days.
Now I am on my journey to get healthy. I eat differently. I work out. I take walks. I thought she was going to be supportive of this. But she has flipped on me... again! She is suggesting constantly that I am working out too often and I'm going to burn out. I work out 5 mornings a week and walk 3-5 times per week. Each activity is approximately 30-40 minutes. She speaks so negatively that it is frustrating. I've prayed and been trying to be more positive in my interactions with others and my own self-talk and what I allow my brain to hear. This is just so frustrating.
I am just so frustrated. When my children misbehave, as children do, not only do I have to deal with their misbehavior but if she is here, I have to hear her yelling at them or making fun of them, or whatever. And then other times she tells me how good they really are. UGH. It's like Sybil sometimes! Oh and it is even better if something happens when I'm not here because I have to hear it and she puts on the silent treatment first. So I come home from work (sometimes 12 hour day) and I ask how things went. I look at her face and if she doesn't say anything, I know it was bad... at least to her. She brought this on herself with not following through on punishments and not being consistent in her rules and requirements of them. I suggested a book when she first moved down so that we would both be on the same page with the girls. She told me that it was ridiculous and that she wasn't going to do it. NOW she says to me the other day... what happened to the book we were going to do with the girls. WHAT?!?!?! I said, YOU told me you thought it wasn't worth it and wouldn't do any good.
So... before people start bashing me because I am not GRATEFUL for my mom's help... I am. But anyone that has met my mom and knows me, wonders how I am making it because we are polar opposites when it comes to the girls. I don't often vent and maybe that is because I don't feel like I have someone to vent to... but I try not to complain. I bite my tongue a lot. I compromise before things get to the point of an argument more times than I can count.
There is so much more that I cannot even get into at the moment because I might break the server with rantings.
I'm a single mom of 3 girls. Twins are 11 and in 6th grade. Little is 8 and in 2nd grade (late birthday). My ex does not live around here but is finally paying child support again. My mom moved down here about 18 months ago to help. She is 69 and a type 2 diabetic... insulin 2x per day. She has gained a lot of weight since she has been here because she basically sits on her *kitten* in her recliner and reads, sleeps, or watches TV. That was all she did in NJ at her place but still. She does pick the kids up at school if I have to work over pick-up times. She watches them if I have to work nights or weekends. This is helpful, too. She also helps with some of the bills. Things were rough after my ex left us and until she moved here we were in a downward spiral.
Anyway, I appreciate her help. I appreciate her moving down here. I appreciate everything she has done and does for us. But it is not a one-way street here. I have to make sure she goes to the doctor. I have to take her places because she doesn't know how to get there. I have to put up with her talking with her mouth full ALL THE TIME. Her hiding cookies and other sweets because she knows she is not supposed to eat them but she does anyway. Her blood sugar not being under control because she does this and does not eat right OR follow the doctor's orders. I have to deal with her memory not being what it should be because she doesn't manage her sugar. Then when I remind her nicely about something or ask if she remembers... and I only do this occasionally, she flies off the handle. Conversely, when she forgets something or mixes it up, she asks why I don't remind her or she uses the excuse that she is old. I make ALL of the calls for doctors, specialists, etc. I make all of the calls for utilities, bill questions, etc. I am solely responsible for planning and making dinners. No problem, I'd have to do that if I was alone but then it wouldn't be coupled with the fact that she SITS AND DOES NOTHING most of the day on most days.
Now I am on my journey to get healthy. I eat differently. I work out. I take walks. I thought she was going to be supportive of this. But she has flipped on me... again! She is suggesting constantly that I am working out too often and I'm going to burn out. I work out 5 mornings a week and walk 3-5 times per week. Each activity is approximately 30-40 minutes. She speaks so negatively that it is frustrating. I've prayed and been trying to be more positive in my interactions with others and my own self-talk and what I allow my brain to hear. This is just so frustrating.
I am just so frustrated. When my children misbehave, as children do, not only do I have to deal with their misbehavior but if she is here, I have to hear her yelling at them or making fun of them, or whatever. And then other times she tells me how good they really are. UGH. It's like Sybil sometimes! Oh and it is even better if something happens when I'm not here because I have to hear it and she puts on the silent treatment first. So I come home from work (sometimes 12 hour day) and I ask how things went. I look at her face and if she doesn't say anything, I know it was bad... at least to her. She brought this on herself with not following through on punishments and not being consistent in her rules and requirements of them. I suggested a book when she first moved down so that we would both be on the same page with the girls. She told me that it was ridiculous and that she wasn't going to do it. NOW she says to me the other day... what happened to the book we were going to do with the girls. WHAT?!?!?! I said, YOU told me you thought it wasn't worth it and wouldn't do any good.
So... before people start bashing me because I am not GRATEFUL for my mom's help... I am. But anyone that has met my mom and knows me, wonders how I am making it because we are polar opposites when it comes to the girls. I don't often vent and maybe that is because I don't feel like I have someone to vent to... but I try not to complain. I bite my tongue a lot. I compromise before things get to the point of an argument more times than I can count.
There is so much more that I cannot even get into at the moment because I might break the server with rantings.
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Replies
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okay i do not know if this doesn'goes lost in translation vause i am from germany
this is your mom and you are a mom. so just check your feelings about your children,is there any possibilty that you would say okay this is not my little child that i have to protect and guide? no way . It isno good hat she is there, because it is your life . you ca do it evenwithout of the help of your mom0 -
That sucks. Mom's can be such byatches! (I include myself in that observation :grumble: )0
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I am a firm believer of tough love, so I think that it is time to tell your mom that she either shapes up or shapes out, back to NJ with a bag full of your love. Do you have siblings that can help? Maybe your mom can go to live in an over 55 community that offer cares and where she can sit all day long without worries.
It seems that you life is too stressful already and you don't need to add anymore wood to a fire that is burning out of control. In my opinion, your mother's behavior and demeanor is not good for your children either. If on the other hand, you really want her around so she can watch your kids when you are working, then you will have to learn how to live with her and her problems, or find a friend, doctor, priest, or psychologist as a mediator.
Sorry of being so blunt, but you posted your rant so you will get a lot of different responses and opinions. I think that is great that you are exercising and eating healthy. It will help you to "live" with this situation better if you can't or don't want to change it. I wish you the best, and congratulations for taking charge of your health.
Lots of luck to you.0 -
*hugs* from one caretaker of Mom to another.
It's ok to be upset and I have felt the same many times. It's overwhelming.0 -
So sorry that you have to deal with a person that is causing you such frustration. But look at her and know that you're looking at your future if you don't keep doing what you're doing to get healthy. Stay strong and know that you do have people out there that support you.0
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your Mom sounds a lot like my Dad, look a bit into age dementia.0
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Keep your eyes on the prize. You are taking steps to get healthy, which is probably a bit threatening to your mom. It is making her face the reality that she is not taking care of herself. I don't know your situation, but you need to focus on you and your children. If it becomes too difficult, then she needs to go. My mom lived with my sister for about 3 years, and they both came to realize that it just wasn't working for them. Their relationship seems much healthier now. BTW - It doesn't sound like you are working out too much; in fact, it looks like you are doing a great job! :drinker:0
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Hi, first off, I'm worried that I acidentally first hit "report post" instead of "reply", so I hope nothing comes of that. I'm super sorry.
You are in a tough situation. I don't know if you and your mom can afford it, but my friend and her mom built an add-on with a small kitchette to her home so the mom has her own space. My friend's mom is like yours in that she is unhealthy and doesn't want to change. She comes over to watch the kids when needed, but my friend has her own life with her kids and her mom has her own space to cook, eat, watch on TV, and do whatever she pleases. My friend is available to take her to the doctor, when needed. The mom has more time to make her own calls and appointments because she doesn't have the kids around.
The mom was willing to help my friend financially to build the addition so that she had her own space. If you live in an apartment, maybe she could get a separate one in the same hall or nearby.
You mentioned you pray about it, so you must be a Christian. I will pray for you as well.0 -
This sounds like a really hard situation. But I think it's great that you're committed to improving your health and taking care of yourself. I agree with the earlier post suggesting age dementia, or possibly something else is going on related to your Mom's other health issues. It doesn't sound like she's thinking or remembering well. But try not to let that drag you down. You need to take care of yourself for your kids' sake, and in the long run that will probably also be better for your mom. Good luck!0
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Maybe its time for Mama to move. My mom lived with me for 6 years before her death 3 years ago and I would not take any thing for that time. However its difficult to have too many chief and not enough indians. sit her down and make rules you both must follow or may she should go.0
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Thanks for all of the great comments, support, and suggestions!
Mom sold her house in NJ and moved down here to help me. My job is funky on the hours because it is driven by public need. So she helps me with caring for the kids or I wouldn't be able to work the job I love!
She used the money that she got from her house to build an addition. It is so close to done, we can taste it! Thankfully she is sleeping out there now because it is just finish work left to go.
We don't often hit brick walls but when we do, this is the result. I am a communicator and she is not. She waits until everything piles up and then reacts. I'm sure she is not changing any time soon! So I have to live with this situation.
ARGH! This will not sabotage my road to health!!!0 -
She will not sabotage your road to health, unless you let her. It is up to you to be strong, determined, and focused. If you have the will (and I know you do), you will find the way.
We are here for you, you can do it!!:flowerforyou:0 -
I totally see where you're coming from. If it were me I'd totally blow a gasket on her and tell her to quit being such a fat lazy *****, or to get in her annexe and stay there.
There's nothing wrong with what you're doing; you're just trying to carry on your life with someone trying to sabotage it all the time.
Perhaps buy some books and leave them hanging around. Do some print outs from MFP threads talking about exercise and diet that can be casually left by the fridge or next to where she sits on her backside all day long. You could even ask someone who has had success with HUGE weight loss if you could print out their pictures and leave them lying around. If you pass your message subliminaly, perhaps she'll take the hint. I would imagine that a "let's sit down and talk" will only result in her being defensive and blowing up on you, which in turn will lead to you saying things you don't really want to say. It's a tough one.
One thing's for sure though; she's jealous of you and ashamed of herself!
**big hugs**
Alex0
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