Doing this for someone else...

XxJessdNxX

OK, so I am overweight. I know this, and occasionally I get my bum into gear and do something about it, lose a bit then get stuck again. I never tend to put it back on again, so have stayed the same / got slightly smaller over the past few years. But ultimately, I know I want to be smaller, and more importantly fitter as I hit the big 30 (I am 27 at the moment) as I don't want to be a fat old lazy person. I am about 11 stone 7 at the moment (161lbs)

So anyway, I am seeing this guy and am madly crazy in love with him, and he seems to feel the same way. The other day he just started moaning about how all my friends were big and he hated the laziness of it (he has an active job and is pretty fit, used to be into proper training etc...). I am about the same size as my friends so took offence to this. He admitted that it was a problem for him. He found me sexy, fancied me etc, but it did bother him, especially thinking about the future and me becoming fat and old as 'people don't tend to change'.

Well I want to change. Always have done, but never quite got there. If it meant making our relationship work I would do it for him. He has said he would help me if I wanted him to. Part of me is telling me to run screaming from the situation, as I shouldn't be doing it for him and that's dangerous ground, but it's something I want to do anyway. Worst case, I do it, get fit and lose weight and we break up, I am still better off than I was. If it was a friend of mine saying this, then I would be worried, but I think I can handle it (I mean I'm not going to get obsessed with it, and obsessed with doing it for him, I'm just not that sort of person).

He didn't say it in a horrible way, like he didn't say you are fat, lose weight or I won't love you, but he did explain that he is really concerned about it for the long term, he would be worried about not fancying me / cheating if I got fatter. I am glad he said something, at least it gives me the chance to try and do something about it. And he was more worried about me being fit and active rather than necessarily my weight as such.

What does anyone think about this?

kit_katty

Two thoughts:

1) He may cheat if you/ his future SO was overweight? Um, that's not ok in any way, and him saying that shows that maybe he's not a good person if he thinks he may cheat. WTF?

2) However, I don't think it's unreasonable to want to be compatible in terms of activity, being healthy etc. That's what I want in a relationship now that I'm turning myself around.

First and foremost, this should be about you and the person you want to be. Not a guy.

Good luck!

HSheets1

Only do it for you, because you are worth it....not him. If he truley loves you then size doesn't matter. Be strong and live wise. Good luck.

KMSForLife

I think it's awesome that he was honest with you AND that he offered to help you. You do have to make the decision because it is what is best for you but if he is the motivation that pushes you in that direction, then go for it. If he is a good man than he will be proud of you for wanting to take control of your weight and you will ultimately be much happier with yourself!

princessjarvis

One way this may just be the kick up the bum you needed but if he's shallow enough to have a problem with your weight now then I wouldn't give him a chance to appreciate your weight loss later down the line.

But the bottom line is you should only ever do something for YOURSELF. :flowerforyou:

RhonndaJ

I think it's commendable that he was honest when you talked to him about it. Better to know now than to find out down the road.

But, I think it's a mistake in trying to lose weight for someone else. It's something you have to do for yourself... but... he might be the motivation you need to do it for yourself.

It's hard really.

TheCats_Meow

1) You should never do something so personal as lose weight for anyone other than yourself.

2) When someone REALLY loves you, they love you for who you are as a human being, not what your body does/doesn't look like. They don't try to change you under the guise of "wanting what's best for you." You and only you can know and want what's best for you.

Good luck, hun!

darlilama

My first instinct is to call him a real a-hole for tying his love for you to physical beauty… but realistically… I think guys are very much hard-wired that way. And, honestly, women can be, too. But, men are very visual creatures. Of course, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. In the end, if he knows this is something that would bother him in the future, then I applaud him for his honesty (assuming the conversation was "kind" in nature) and it's better to know now rather than later. I have loved ones that I worry very much about because they are very overweight. I don't worry about how they look, but I very much worry about their health.

I do agree though that it has to be about you, really, not him. If he's a "tool" to your goal, well that seems okay to me. Just be sure you're doing it for the right reasons… to be a better you, not to keep him.

Best of luck!!

Beeazlebub

I'm doing this for my boss. It's been a while since I was his favorite. Hoping if I lean up again we can start over.

TigersFanIndy34

I see two sides of this coin.

I was very thin when I met my husband. I have gained almost 100 lbs. He tells me he doesn't care and that he loves me anyway.

He's lieing.
I know he less attractive to me. It's obvious. However he doesn't admit it because he knows it would sound like a jerky thing to say. The thing is I get it. I mean I love him to pieces. I've been with him my entire adult life. He's one of the very best men I know - a great husband, father and provider and I think he's damn sexy. He's put on a few pounds and I still think he's sexy. However, I have to think - if he was 100 lbs heavier what would I think? I mean - ewwwwwwwwwwww. I'm sorry but being a little chunky or a few pounds is one thing but severe obesity just isn't sexy in my eyes. I wouldn't leave him. I wouldn't cheat on him. I would be worried about his health and to be honest I would be less attractive to him.

In my mind I see taking care of my body as a way to respect him. To care enough to want to look better for him. IF it were the SOLE reason to lose all this weight I don't think that'd do me a bunch of good. If he were threatening me or forcing me I know I'd fail as I am a rebel at heart. However, as part of the reason - it's motivating. I do want to turn my husband on, I do want to be my best for him. But it's part of it - I also want to be healthier for myself, for my kids etc...

warmachinejt

uumm...from a guy's POV at least he was honest before doing any wrong to you.
You need to ask yourself, if you break up tomorrow, will you still keep losing weight?

pmjsmom

This truly IS something to do for yourself! Please believe me, this guy will find something else to be 'concerned' about when the weight comes off.

Also, I dislike the fact that he considers overweight people "lazy"! I am the LEAST lazy person I know and I also work a VERY physically demanding job most of the year!

Fat DOES NOT equal lazy!

TigersFanIndy34

ugh sorry - my auto correct kept changing less attracted to less attractive - hopefully my point isn't missed!

yoshi91610

Well I want to change. Always have done, but never quite got there. If it meant making our relationship work I would do it for him. He has said he would help me if I wanted him to. Part of me is telling me to run screaming from the situation, as I shouldn't be doing it for him and that's dangerous ground, but it's something I want to do anyway. Worst case, I do it, get fit and lose weight and we break up, I am still better off than I was. If it was a friend of mine saying this, then I would be worried, but I think I can handle it (I mean I'm not going to get obsessed with it, and obsessed with doing it for him, I'm just not that sort of person).


What does anyone think about this?

Ok a lot of people say "he should love you for you" and "don't do this for anyone but yourself" But from what you have explained here, you want to change, but needed a push, and yes it does hurt sometimes when people say you shouldn't be overweight, but the cold hard truth is none of us should be overweight. But he was being honest and you say that he didn't say it in a mean way. I think it would just be a starting movitation, not the whole reason why you are losing weight. If everyone took some time to REALLY think why they are losing weight in the first place I am sure a lot of people will have something like "to be sexier for my S/O, to keep up with my kids, etc...that is all just one part of a big picture--to lose weight.

2bFitNTrim

..."explain that he is really concerned about it for the long term, he would be worried about not fancying me / cheating if I got fatter."


How will he be if you get wrinkles as you grow older? Would he love you if you were to become disabled? What if you were to be disfigured in an accident? Taking care of yourself and looking your best is one thing, but some things in life are out of our control. Then what?

zariana88

Hi there,

Just thought id let you in on something that I have found useful for people in this type of situation; 'have a think about why you would like to loose weight.' If you rely on your own efforts there is no cheating, as your only cheating yourself, and bad days wont be much of an issue as you are less likely to see it as 'letting someone else down'. Bringing another into your equation of reasons for loosing weight is all about motivation, you just need to imagine that your life can be different and it will be. No one needs to have someone change you, if they dont already want you the way that you are, because they love you for who you are. I would say that realtionships that are built on a misguided rule such as' she would be lovely if she was X weight'. Really needs to look closely at what they want, and not seek to change others.
I used to be someone who constantly saught aproval of others, and kidded myself into thinking that doing something because someone asked me to was because they had better perception of my situation than I did. But when my life hit rock bottom and I lost a business and befel other personal losses, but the point is that through all this I was listening to other people, and hadn't really decided what I wanted to do for myself. Luckilly I made progress before I found MFP, and I am glad I did as I have a better sense of what it is that I want, and not what others want for me. I hope that you make the right decisions for yourself, good luck on your journey. xx

Dawners98

The truth is, you will never change until you hit your wall. Until you reach that point where YOU can't stand YOURSELF anymore, you will remain complacent with your life. While I agree with some, that his honesty is commendable, he sure does have an odd way of showing his support and love for you. In my book, saying "if you stay the way you are, I will cheat on you" is NOT ok. (Yes, I realize he probably didn't say it this way, but if that's what he meant, it's as good as saying it outright!)

If YOU want to change, and the time is right for you, then do it! And you can even take the help he's offered! With his background, it seems he's definitely qualified to help! But the only way you're going to change your life is if you do it for you.

Good luck!

Martucha123

I see two sides of this coin.

I was very thin when I met my husband. I have gained almost 100 lbs. He tells me he doesn't care and that he loves me anyway.

He's lieing.
I know he less attractive to me. It's obvious. However he doesn't admit it because he knows it would sound like a jerky thing to say. The thing is I get it. I mean I love him to pieces. I've been with him my entire adult life. He's one of the very best men I know - a great husband, father and provider and I think he's damn sexy. He's put on a few pounds and I still think he's sexy. However, I have to think - if he was 100 lbs heavier what would I think? I mean - ewwwwwwwwwwww. I'm sorry but being a little chunky or a few pounds is one thing but severe obesity just isn't sexy in my eyes. I wouldn't leave him. I wouldn't cheat on him. I would be worried about his health and to be honest I would be less attractive to him.

In my mind I see taking care of my body as a way to respect him. To care enough to want to look better for him. IF it were the SOLE reason to lose all this weight I don't think that'd do me a bunch of good. If he were threatening me or forcing me I know I'd fail as I am a rebel at heart. However, as part of the reason - it's motivating. I do want to turn my husband on, I do want to be my best for him. But it's part of it - I also want to be healthier for myself, for my kids etc...

100% agree
i think its not fair to your partner if you get really fat
maintaining your body is showing respect.
i wouldnt like my bf go fat
i would kick his butt untill he starts loosing weight...

if i understand well the guy said that he loves her and find her atractive now but is afraid that she can gain much more weight in the future as she is not active. i think that is ok. you met someone and you fall in love withe them the way they are. you don't have to promiss to love whatever future version of themselves... yes we will all get older, bolder fattier, but we still should try to stay atractive to other s/o

i say
go for it, let him help you,
hopefully you will like to get more active and you will find some activity you can share

XxJessdNxX

Thank you for all your comments, and I am surprised how positive you all are and how well thought out your replies are, thank you very much.

I don't think the 'he should love you the way you are whatever' argument washes, other than maybe right at the start, and he obviously fancies me now, even if he might prefer there to be a little less of me. I have to say that I think people who say that are a tad delusional, it depends on your relationship but personally, I need to fancy someone for a relationship to work, and if he doesn't fancy fatter people and he sees me going that way, then he's being honest.

It's like when people say to me, you are gorgeous as you are, you don't need to worry about it. That's nice, but it is a fact that I could do with losing at least a stone, if not two, my BMI (which I know not 100% but is an indication) suggests I am obese, I have flabby bits I hate and most importantly I am ridiculously unfit. I don't want to live my life like that even if I do look OK to other people.

And I am also petrified of being overweight when I am older, my Mum is, and I really don't want to be. I want exercise to be something I enjoy rather than dread, and want to be fit and healthy in my future. So I do want to do it as a whole lifestyle thing, rather than just 'let's get to 10 stone by x date', which I have done before but isn't going to get me to where I want to be this time.

I also qualify as a solicitor in September next year (all being well), and that is a brilliant incentive for me. Be nice to be able to buy a load of lovely new suits to last my career (or at least a few years), rather than until I next decide to lose a few pounds. So I am going for it.

OK, so not all fat people are lazy and there are some health reasons for it. But he was talking about my friends who are 18-21, otherwise healthy, the easy answer to them losing weight is to eat less and exercise more, so I guess not doing that is lazy. His point was that we all spent a lot of time and money on looking gorgeous in every other way, but were missing the main point of being healthy, which is true.

And if I lose all the weight and we end up breaking up for whatever reason, at least I will be in good shape for the next fish in the sea

Martucha123

looks like you made your mind
sooooo
welcom to mfp and to yuor new life

btw I`m also trying to change my lifestyle more then do diet, so feel free to add me as a friend if you look for extra support

JeSuisPrest

Yuck...he give me the creeps. I don't like that attitude. I say this from much experience, you will not succeed at this until you do this for yourself and only for yourself!!!