All time High... not again!

ellelit

ugggggggg. so, i'm at my all time high. 330 pounds. i feel gross, disgusting, terrible and just plain awful. i know exactly how i got here, as i have been in a downward spiral for nearly 3 weeks. i ate and ate and ate, bingeing liek a fool and not worrying about what i was putting into my mouth.

so, what is REALLY frustrating, is that i have been very happy over the last few weeks. work is going awesome, it has been gorgeous and sunny here for weeks, i'm getting alot of writing work an i'm up for a position as an associate editor at a local newspaper.

i'm happy, joyful, bounding up and down the sidewalks bursting with sunshine, rainbows and fuzzy bunnies, so what do i do to complement my fantastic moods? i gorge myself until i barf. ugggggggggg.

i eat all the time. alllllllllll the time. doesn't matter what emotion i'm feeling, if i'm feeling anything, i'm eating it.

so, this weekend i'm going to try to figure out how i can maintain my emotional happiness and work steadily on my physical happiness...

if i can just stop bingeing, the weight would fall off me. i know, it has before. so i'm going to set up a daily mini goal for myself not to binge, and if i can do that, i can start tackling some of the bigger goals.

:explode:

ellelit

ugggggggg. so, i'm at my all time high. 330 pounds. i feel gross, disgusting, terrible and just plain awful. i know exactly how i got here, as i have been in a downward spiral for nearly 3 weeks. i ate and ate and ate, bingeing liek a fool and not worrying about what i was putting into my mouth.

so, what is REALLY frustrating, is that i have been very happy over the last few weeks. work is going awesome, it has been gorgeous and sunny here for weeks, i'm getting alot of writing work an i'm up for a position as an associate editor at a local newspaper.

i'm happy, joyful, bounding up and down the sidewalks bursting with sunshine, rainbows and fuzzy bunnies, so what do i do to complement my fantastic moods? i gorge myself until i barf. ugggggggggg.

i eat all the time. alllllllllll the time. doesn't matter what emotion i'm feeling, if i'm feeling anything, i'm eating it.

so, this weekend i'm going to try to figure out how i can maintain my emotional happiness and work steadily on my physical happiness...

if i can just stop bingeing, the weight would fall off me. i know, it has before. so i'm going to set up a daily mini goal for myself not to binge, and if i can do that, i can start tackling some of the bigger goals.

:explode:

jennib06

Goodluck to you! I know how difficult it can be especially when you feel like you are emotionally in a better place than you have been in a long time! Keep posting and don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it! This community is one of the greatest advantages to the goals we set for ourselves!

I wish you the very best!
Jen

kbirky73

I think you may find that if you are logging everything you put into your mouth, that you may resist it more.
I log my food in the morning for the entire day now but in the beginning, I just logged it ALL. When I saw I was reaching my allowed calories, I would ask myself if it was worth it.
I quit all fast foods and junk but allow myself a slice of pizza or two a week for what i call a "cheat day" but not too much!!!
Try to set up a reward day. Tell yourself you are going to be good from today, until next Friday .. and then next Friday night, treat yourself. I'm willing to bet once you get there, you'll find it will not be worth it because like you pointed out .. 1 week of really paying attention, and you should see a pretty good jump start result!!

GOOD LUCK!!!! Remember .. you are SO not alone .. we're all here doing it with ya!!!


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havingitall

Purge your kitchen. Get rid of the junk and only buy healthy food. Get lots of fruits and veggies and some of your favourite low calorie snacks. Ditch the ice cream, cookies and chips.

If there is nothing to gorge on but healthy things, you can only be successful

ellelit

that sounds good, in theory... but there are grocerie store, fast food places, restaurants and conveneicne stores on every corner. i have no bad food in my house. i am a compulsive overeater. if there is bad food out there, no matter where it is... i will find it. thanks for the tips though

TamTastic

Honestly, I think you need to get to the point where enough is enough. Where food just isn't worth it anymore. (Because it's really not).

Until you get to that point in your head, I don't think it will happen for you.

I know food brings you happiness and comfort. All I can say is being thin and healthy and having energy and confidence is SUCH a high. To know that food is no longer controlling me and that I can be out enjoying life with my family makes me so much happier and comforts me more than food ever has or ever will.

I truly hope you can get to that point too! Sometimes I wish I could somehow bottle it up for people because it took so much wasted time on my part to figure out how to do this right. I wish I could save everyone that time.

Good luck! :flowerforyou:
-Tami

MTGirl

Ellelit - I know this is hard for you and I think you are doing wonderful! Facing why we overeat is probably the hardest thing. Sometimes we hide those "demons" so much from ourselves that it takes a lot to get to the root! We're rootin' for ya girlie!! There is nothing more important to a compulsive overeater than answering the Why? It is impossible to lose the weight and keep it off until you start understanding that. I wish you success and happiness!

Blue50

My heart goes out to you.

You might try getting a little spiral note book( Fit in pocket) or even your cell phone(most take voice notes) and start telling yourself how you feel emotionally and physically before and after every time you eat for a week.

Mirrors are hard and painful but they don't lie. The cell notes will get you to the root of it all very quickly.

I hope this helps and best of luck!

margz85

This may help you because it has helped me. My friend and I in college gained a lot of weight our sophomore year. Like about 30lbs within a semester. We kept the extra weight on for about 2 years. Finally our senior year of college we couldn't take it anymore. We both cut out sugar foods and low carbs but mostly we stayed away from sugar. We dropped weight very fast. But we still had ice-cream (sugar free fat free panda paws from Edy's...still tastes the same ..LOL I like to eat the Murrarys sugar free chocolate 70 calorie packs. It helps with the cravings.

Also....if you just show up to the gym...u will loose calories....i know planet fitness has TV's and you can plug your head set in. Give yourself a goal....Tuesdays the biggest loser is on. I LOVE THAT SHOW...it always gives me hope. Go to the gym for those 2 hours while watching the show....you will be so motivated you won't even realize you are doing work. Just walking on the treadmill is good. Any type of movement is...LOL It is really hard to get the motivation sometimes. And if you cheat...OH WELL don't beat yourself up over it....because then you will eat more. I am sure everyone thinks...damn i cheated...well let me eat some more and i will start again tom....that's bad LOL i did that a lot

GOOD LUCK....also...try and find a buddy and tell each other what you ate throughout the day. My friend and i did that...and it kept us on track. It makes you realize what you are doing by saying it out loud!

Just changing a little thing will go a long way ...baby steps and it will come off!!

briblue72

Honestly, I think you need to get to the point where enough is enough. Where food just isn't worth it anymore. (Because it's really not).

Until you get to that point in your head, I don't think it will happen for you.

I know food brings you happiness and comfort. All I can say is being thin and healthy and having energy and confidence is SUCH a high. To know that food is no longer controlling me and that I can be out enjoying life with my family makes me so much happier and comforts me more than food ever has or ever will.

I truly hope you can get to that point too! Sometimes I wish I could somehow bottle it up for people because it took so much wasted time on my part to figure out how to do this right. I wish I could save everyone that time.

Good luck! :flowerforyou:
-Tami

I think Tam's right on this. It was the same for me with weight loss AND quitting smoking. I "quit" 5 or 6 times for different reasons (the cost, the smell, someone wanted me to, blah blah blah) but I quit FOR GOOD when I made the choice MYSELF. When I told myself "enough is enough."

I went on several diets in college, but they'd last for 3-5 days and then I'd give up - because I was miserable. I finally started losing the weight when I wanted to do it for ME. when I knew it was best. You won't be successful if your brain isn't ready.

As far as "everything else" going well in your life when you eat when and what you want, maybe that's just your perception. When you're eating less and feeling hungry, it can make you feel grumpy, grouchy, cranky, irritable (and when I say "you" I mean all of mankind...). Just like when we have other personal issues (death, divorce, fights, etc), it weighs heavily on our minds and hearts, making everything else in our lives much harder. Since the healthier lifestyle hasn't been easy for you, it's probably causing unwelcome stress in all the other areas of your life.

I hope you work things out. and I hope you continue coming here for support. we're all here to watch out for each other!

pettmybunny

So very off topic, but I love your new pic Ellelit! It's so pretty!

MyaPapaya75

ugggggggg. so, i'm at my all time high. 330 pounds. i feel gross, disgusting, terrible and just plain awful. i know exactly how i got here, as i have been in a downward spiral for nearly 3 weeks. i ate and ate and ate, bingeing liek a fool and not worrying about what i was putting into my mouth.

so, what is REALLY frustrating, is that i have been very happy over the last few weeks. work is going awesome, it has been gorgeous and sunny here for weeks, i'm getting alot of writing work an i'm up for a position as an associate editor at a local newspaper.

i'm happy, joyful, bounding up and down the sidewalks bursting with sunshine, rainbows and fuzzy bunnies, so what do i do to complement my fantastic moods? i gorge myself until i barf. ugggggggggg.

i eat all the time. alllllllllll the time. doesn't matter what emotion i'm feeling, if i'm feeling anything, i'm eating it.

so, this weekend i'm going to try to figure out how i can maintain my emotional happiness and work steadily on my physical happiness...

if i can just stop bingeing, the weight would fall off me. i know, it has before. so i'm going to set up a daily mini goal for myself not to binge, and if i can do that, i can start tackling some of the bigger goals.

:explode:

Could possibly be time to reflect and make a plan...nothing gets done properly without a good set of blueprints....You could possibly be doing to much at once and its overwhelming...I suggest buying a notepad carry it with you and log everything you eat and what you feel when you are "finished" eating it. Then you have to ask yourself was it worth it...if so then thats probably something your not willing to give up...so you will have to budget for it within your calories...everything has limits and so do our bodies...consider your daily calories your limit and every day try better to get closer to it....slow steps but consistent ones...Once you have mastered that you could throw in 30minutes here and there of fitness...If your not totally committed to making the changes perhaps just hang on the boards and read and stick with MFP just to gain insight and tips ...you dont have to have a ticker and go all out just relax and join the fitness bus when your ready...Good Luck........

kristineh86

Elleit-
I am soo sorry to hear about this. You were doing so well when you were blogging. I really enjoyed reading your blog, too! Do you think maybe you can start a new one and make it private so your boss can't read it? Just a suggestion. I wish you all the best!! Hang in there! You can conquer this!

keiko

Lindsay, I've been wondering where you were. I'm with Kristineh86, you were doing good when you were blogging. If my memory is right you must have started your binging soon after you had to take it down.
Please keep posting here or maybe even blogging. It does seem to help you.

I hope you get the new job!

ellelit

it's one of those weird situations... i believe it's called insanity... where you do the same thing over and over xpecting different results.

i am totally ready for weightloss, but it never seems to work. i've never tried to lose weight for anyone else, and i'm never had any sucess other than about 40 pounds down... i always go back to bingeing and gain back the weight and thensome.

i'm sorry that it seems like i am just repeating all the same stuff from 2 years ago, 1 year ago, 6 months ago and a month ago, but i too feel like i'm banging my head against the wall. how is it possible, after being on this site for nearly 2 years can i still have no fricken idea how to lose weigh. lol. it's not funny, i'm just incredulous.

tomorrow i'm taking a me day and spending the weekend detoxing (should be interesting) and exploring why i REALLY eat. i now it's all emotional but i have no idea where that stems from or what triggers it. i cannot afford therapy, and it's not covered by my heathplan, so self-healp it is!

thank you all for listening...:flowerforyou:

wow, bad spelling, but i've written 4 editorials and a feature article this week, so i dont feel like changing it :P

AmyNVegas

elle, I found a turn around in the book "8 Minutes in the Morning for Real Shapes Real Sizes by Jorge Cruz. I didn't get much from the exercise part but going through the soul searching part in the first half of the book really changed my way of thinking and made me realize some things I had never realized. I got it from my local library. Good luck and I'm here if you need me!:flowerforyou:

Amy:bigsmile:

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My favorite post for answers:
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/23912-links-in-mfp-you-want-to-read-again-and-again

Shannon023

after being on this site for nearly 2 years can i still have no fricken idea how to lose weigh. lol. it's not funny, i'm just incredulous.

That's not true, Lindsey, you do know how to lose weight, but for whatever reason, you won't let yourself. :flowerforyou: You've lost weight and have had many successes, but for whatever reason you sabotage yourself at ever turn.

I read on your blog how proud of yourself you were when you stayed within your calories or didn't give into the "binge monster" but for some reason that euphoria isn't enough to motivate you.

You have so many people here that are cheering for your success (I'm one of them) that I hope you finally do what needs to be done, for your health & happiness.

Good luck!

heal4444

Love yourself no matter what.

cmriverside

ellelit,

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling, I too have been rooting for you and want you to succeed.

Only you know what you need to do. No one else can do it for you. But the good news is, YOU will be the one who reaps the rewards.

You've probably seen this post by FC, but it is really a good one, worth re-reading. Maybe even worht buying Geneen Roth's book.

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/31501-why-am-i-eating-this-by-geneen-roth

Good luck.

~cmr

TamTastic

Lindsay, trust me....I know what a struggle this is. I know how comforting food can be. It is always there for you and does make you feel good even if it's for a minute.

And, like I said..I am turning 35 in August and have struggled with my weight pretty much since I hit puberty. I am more confident than ever before, mostly because I figured out for me that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. I still enjoy food and flavors and the whole dining experience. I just do it in a different way now and don't "splurge" all the time. And I make healthy eating interesting. My mom was an excellent cook and I grew up appreciating a huge variety of flavors. So, I can't be bored or eat disgusting foods.

There has got to be a trigger or something inside you that will allow you to have that light bulb moment as I did.

And you can ease into this as well. Maybe make it a goal to not eat at a certain place more than a specified time. Instead of eating there, make it a ritual to try a new healthier food instead. Someone else said that every time they go to the grocery store, they make it a point to try a new fruit or veggie. I myself tried that "lemon plum" this last week. (interesting!! LOL!)

Baby steps can help make this transition easier for you. Cold turkey isn't going to cut it, I don't think.

You know you have the knowledge to lose weight. You have done it. It's more about being able to stick to this. What will it take for you to stick to this. That is what you need to ask yourself.

Take care!!! :flowerforyou:

jhacker

Why am I crying while I read this post? Probably because I feel your struggle. I was the same way. I love food and enjoy eating everything. If something sounded good I would have it. That was until I went to the doctor and I had high blood pressure. This really scared me because I know the effects it can have. He put me on medication and that made me feel terrible! I don't want to be on medication!! :grumble: This had totally changed my life because now I know that I HAVE to do this for my health! It was a real kick in the butt for me and now I am trying to get off the meds!
Being overweight is so unhealthy! YOU CAN DO THIS! You said you lost 40 lbs. before! Holy Crap! I would love to lose 40lbs.!
Anyway, I wish you the best ,and know that we are all in this together! Keep plugging and trying. Never give up!!!:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

SGFlyinHi

I agreee with Tami.

It took me 9 years to finally get to the point where I said enough is enough and finally embraced my new lifestyle. It took me baby steps. Even though I had been going to the gym all that time, I was not putting all of my effort into it. I was only going 2 times a week and I never did cardio. Now I go to the gym 6 days a week and do at least 30min of cardio 5 days a week.

As for food, I also started slow in that area. I had been eating 2 times a day, which was not near enough. I was aIso eating out a lot. I started eating more times a day and started counting my calories. Once I had that in control I started eating healthier foods and not just watching the calories, but also what made up those calories. I stopped drinking soda and alcohol, though I do still have a drink once in a while. I also started drinking a lot of water, which is one thing I had trouble with in the beginning. Now I drink over 100 ounces a day.

Do I watch my food closely all of the time, no. I do splurge once in a while, but I don't go overboard like I used to. I can no longer eat as much at one seating as I used to, though I do eat a lot more throughout the day. I was amazed at how I no longer crave the things I used to like chips, instead I reach for a few almonds, or an apple.

Like Tami said, try easing into it. Try limiting one thing at a time. Before you know it, you will be craving the healthier things instead of the frys, etc.

Good luck!!!
:drinker: :flowerforyou:

briblue72

i cannot afford therapy, and it's not covered by my heathplan, so self-healp it is!

Have you ever sat down and dissected the numbers to see how much money you're spending on binge eating? or just over-eating in general? An extra $100 a week should pay for a weekly session with a therapist...

ellelit

even with binges, i spend 60-100 per week on food... i absolutely can not find an extra $100 a week for therapy. my take home wage is 1600 a month, and i'm not willing to spend a quarter of that on therapy. lol thanks, though Bri!~

adopt4

BTDT.... you're certainly not alone. But if you normally binge with a whole package of Oreos, then only eating 1/2 the package is a step in the right direction! It's not all or nothing. Yeah you have to figure out the emotional parts too, look at things in your past that make you feel like maybe you don't deserve to be thinner and healthier?

Take baby steps. Just keep taking those baby steps.

For me, the yo yo dieting was always making me put on more and more. I realized dieting doesn't work for me. So I joined a gym and got on this site with the goal of "becoming healthier". My goal wasn't weight loss in the beginning. I set goals I could achieve - 30 min workout 3x/wk. But then I ended up doing 45 mins of cardio 5-7 wk and ENJOYED it. What? Me? Enjoy the gym? But because I had set reasonable goals, I could achieve them, once I had success, I could up my goals. I reset my focus and could be successful. So far so good. The pounds are melting off (I have a lot to lose altogether) and it will get harder for me, but I will be able to work against the plateaus later because I have success and tools that I never had before to get thru them.

It seems like you were successful when you blogged, so you needed to put yourself out there and then you could eat healthier... so do it again. And keep doing. Who cares if someone thinks you're a little nuts to blog every bite you eat - it's for YOU.