I need help.

theoriginaljayne

I've attempted to write this about six times already, so this time, I'm actually going to do it. Apologies if it's too long.

The basic information that everybody always wants to know:
I am female, 17 years old, 5'3, and 106(ish) pounds.
Oh, and I am a recovered anorexic.

Actually, you may need the backstory. I developed the illness in 2007, was sent to a residential treatment facility at a very low weight in 2008, was released in 2009 at a healthy weight, hit my highest weight of 115 pounds earlier this year, and now I'm in a state of semi-relapse.

I say semi-relapse, because a) I'm still at a healthy weight for my height, b) my eating habits are no longer exclusively anorexic, but just completely screwed up, and c) I want to change, and now.

Back in the day, I used restrict whenever I could, and I would eat regular meals only when forced. However, since October of this year, I've gotten sucked into a cycle of starving and bingeing. I'll eat 700 calories a day for a week, and then 1600 in a single day. Or, my most recent example: 500 calories a day for several days... and then 2100 in a single day (today). Actually, that was really 2100 calories in a few hours...
In general, though, anything over 800 calories feels like overeating to me, and I know that that's not right.
I typically eat the same things, regardless of whether I'm restricting or bingeing: milk and yogurt, fresh fruit and vegetables, oatmeal, breads and crackers, yams, and dinners that my mother prepares (sometimes).
I'm perpetually tired while starving, I feel huge and absolutely horrible after bingeing, and I don't want to go down the eating-disordered road again.

Anyway, the point of this post: I need to change my eating habits. Ever since I quit ballet, I've been a terrifically lazy person, and that combined with a stressful school year means that I don't really exercise anymore. I know that I need to change this, too. But my BMR, at the moment, is around 1200 calories.

I guess I'm really looking for advice. I've sort of forgotten what it's like to eat normally. I've been eating breakfast for the past couple of days, which is a step in the right direction, but that's not all that needs to change.
So here's what I need to know:
What would be an appropriate schedule for meals?
What size meals should I be eating?
Should I start off with a daily calorie goal of 1200, or should I start lower and work up to that?
How much should I be exercising?
And finally, what foods should I be eating? A typical day for me might consist of plain oatmeal, a satsuma, a Greek yogurt, and a candy cane... not much nutrition there.

I should clarify: I do want to have a healthy relationship with food, but I do not want to gain weight. At all.

If anyone has any insight, it would be much appreciated.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know it was very long.

GeneaCindy

Just read your post. Is it possible for you to see a dietician or nutritionist? I suggest this because of your history with anorexia and because you will get all sorts of answers from the great people on this site - some of it helpful, some of it contradictory and confusing.

We are here to help, support and motivate you! And as different as we are, a lot of us are working on the same thing -- a healthy relationship with food. If you can get some exercise back into your routine, even a brisk 20 minute walk, it may help with your stress levels.

Great job taking that first step and asking for help. :flowerforyou:

Pebble321

Is there anyone is real life you can ask for help? We can give ideas but most people here aren't going to be experts on eating disorders and even if they are, they don't know you personally or your particular situation.

If that's not an option, here's my (completely non-expert) comments:

- Well done for trying to work towards a healthy relationship with food, I think most of us here struggle with that, just in different ways.
- don't beat yourself up for what happened yesterday (or even earlier today). That's already gone and you can't change it.
- If you can find a 1200 cal eating plan that you like the look of, why not give this a try. Plan out the meals, eat as much of them as you can and make a goal to work towards eating 1200 cals a day every day. It probably won't happen - some days will be under and some will be over and that's OK. As long as you have a goal and are working towards it, that's a postive step. I did a quick search and found this meal plan, but there will be millions of them out there. http://www.brighamandwomens.org/Patients_Visitors/pcs/nutrition/services/healtheweightforwomen/eating/mealPlans/1200_calorie.aspx
- find some support - preferably in real life, but online if that's what you have. I think there is a group on MFP for people who are recovering from eating disorders, have a look under the groups tab and see what you can find.
- my personal opinion is that having a meal schedule is good. Set yourself a plan like breakfast: between 8 -9, lunch between 12 -1, snack between 3-4, dinner between 7 - 8. Or whatever fits into your lifestyle. Set an alarm to remind yourself if that would be useful.
- I wouldn't focus on high intenstity exercise at this stage - you don't need to be burning lots of calories, but it would be helpful to find something physical that makes you feel good - dancing for example. Don't go overboard with it, remember that if you are exercising more you need to eat more!
- once you can get into healthy eating patterns you will probably find that you aren't tired any more and have so much more energy to enjoy your life. It's hard to see this long term outcome when the short term urge to control or be controlled by food is there, but if you can remember this it might help.

Again, I really suggest you try to find some real life help, you are only young and damaging your body now will have long term consequences, so please take care.

theoriginaljayne

Thank you both for your replies!

My options for outside help are kind of limited. I can't ask my parents to pay for any more therapy (residential was VERY expensive). However, I do have some friends that I could open up to, and then I have a teacher, everyone on MFP, and I've even joined a recovery website, so we'll see how that goes.

I woke up this morning and decided that it was going to be a good day, and it was! I got up to 1164 calories today, and while it's kind of uncomfortable, I can handle it. I really like the idea of setting an alarm to remind me to eat; I think I'll try that.

I really hope that I can make every day as good as today, but it's going to take some effort on my part. That's okay, though; I'm willing to work for it.

Again, thank you very much for your comments.