am I moving on too quickly

Grimmerick

My fiance of 3 years and I broke up less than 2 weeks ago after he decided he didn't want anymore children (he is 41 and I am 28) In the beginning I told him that I wanted kids and if he didn't he should let me know right then. Well he said yes he wanted them and then fast forward 3 years and all of a sudden he decides he doesn't want them. So we break up, we still live together for right now and we are and I can tell we will remain good friends. Well it's been roughly two weeks and my friends had me sign up for a dating website. He asked if I was on one and I don't lie so I told him yes, he said he was surprised that I was looking so soon. We would still be together if he wanted kids, so I know this will be hard on him because he is still in love with me. Did I do this too soon? How long should I have waited. I feel like I could get out and start seeing people again, I mean I am not an emotional wreck or anything and I don't have to miss him because we still live together and hang out. Am I wrong to want to go out and meet people so soon?

Iamfit4life

Honestly I don't think it's too soon.
Do you?


This is something only you can determine. Personally I don't believe in there being a set "mourning period" in which you are required to mope around wearing black eating ice cream and listening to Tori Amos.

If you are ready you are ready.

Marig0ld

Umm...no! Having an online dating profile =/= getting into a new relationship or getting married to someone. There's nothing wrong with putting yourself out there!

scapez

IMO it would be best to wait until you're living on your own and get accustomed to being single before actively trying to meet new men. You're still in a comfort zone right now, as you're not on your own yet and probably haven't faced the emotional realization of the 'breakup' (right now, I'm using that word rather lightly).

Additionally, I can't imagine many guys would be comfortable dating someone while they're living and hanging out with their ex!

bigdawg025

I would take the opposite stance here... as from several different sources I've read in the past... the general concensus is to wait a year if you've been in a relationship (long-term) of 2 years or more. Do I necessarily agree with this? No... of course not... however, I don't think it's wise to jump right back "into the fire" so to speak.

The reason for the waiting has nothing to do with mourning or moping around sad and eating ice cream. It's more of a time for YOU to rediscover who you are outside of that relationship, and it will also help you to not bring any underlying issues or baggage into a new relationship.

My 2 cents...

UponThisRock

Sounds like you still care what he thinks. So it's probably too early for a serious relationship with somebody, but I don't see the harm in looking.

Sounds like there's at least a 50-50 chance you're gonna end up back with him

lottycat

There is no right or wrong way to behave here. You just need to do what feels right and natural to you. Plus as someone above said it's only dating, you're not about to rush into marriage or anything.

Just go out and have some fun lady! x

lessac

Do you think you are? Because I think that's what matters. As long as you aren't looking for a rebound (they work only momentarily) and you're sure about your feelings for your ex, I don't think you're moving on too quickly.

macpatti

I don't think it's too soon to start meeting people, but possibly a little awkward to start dating someone regularly while you're still living together.

La_Amazona

Sounds like you still care what he thinks. So it's probably too early for a serious relationship with somebody, but I don't see the harm in looking.

This...
I also think it "complicates" things further by still living together. Maybe not for you necessarily but maybe for him.

I don't think there's a problem with what you're doing, as long as YOU feel ready. I have an account that I opened up when I filed because I was curious. I get messages all the time and get asked out and although the idea was entertaining, once it was in front of me, I couldn't. I did make a friend there who is a cool dude (no attraction from my part) so that's good but other than that, I keep having to explain to these guys that I'm just not ready.

I don't know.. maybe you're different than me. It's just different once reality hits.

MaraDiaz

Honestly I don't think it's too soon.
Do you?


This is something only you can determine. Personally I don't believe in there being a set "mourning period" in which you are required to mope around wearing black eating ice cream and listening to Tori Amos.

If you are ready you are ready.

I agree, although Tori Amos is good listening just about any time.

Also, if he gives you any crap about it down the road, it just means he either hopes to talk you out of having kids and staying with him anyway or wants to keep you around and available in case he changes his mind. I don't know the guy, so that's a generalization, of course.

Oh, and if I were you, I'd move out or get him to move out ASAP, it seems the best way to preserve your friendship.

Edit yet again for one more thought: A lot of men will truly be ready to let a woman go, right up until the day someone else wants her, then they get all misty eyed and show up with flowers and declarations of undying love. So be prepared, just in case, with how you're going to react if he pulls a last minute romeo on you.

AtticusFinch

It’s not too soon, and perhaps your ex finding out like that may just have the effect of making him reconsider things.

A dating agency may be a bit much though, isn’t there a good chance you’ll meet a string of dates who have emotional problems or are lying a*holes? I don’t have personal experience of them but I’ve heard this from several female friends who have.

amelia_atlantic

Chances are, you are not searching for your "next great love", you're subconsciously searching for a distraction. You're probably not even ready for a serious relationship right now. That wouldn't be fair to any new guy.

Like others said, living with the ex, he is still physically in your life which is giving you a little false sense of security. Once you're living single without him, you may feel differently about the dating scene.

With all that being said (sorry, if I'm tough loving you too much!), flirting via dating sites is no different than flirting with a guy in a bar! You deserve some new positive male attention at this time. If you actually do click with a new guy, just take it slow.

Munque

I think it's all about what you're comfortable with. Before I met my husband, I tended to "jump right back in the saddle" after breakups, and it worked for me, no matter how long the lost relationship was. It may be a little uncomfortable for the ex, the date and yourself if the date wants to pick you up or go back to your place though.

I wouldn't jump into a serious relationship, but if you're ok with it, I see no problem with dating.

KimmieBrie

Everyone has a different timeline for healing and moving on.
If you feel you are ready - then go for it.

Meeting up with someone new for coffee or dinner isn't jumping into a new relationship, it's testing out your new found freedom and having fun.

I left my x after 10 years together for the same reason as you - plus he was an alcoholic, so we wouldn't have stayed together, we stayed under the same roof for 5 mos after the split. While living there I went out on dates, but nothing serious, and no one came by our house out of respect for my x and vice versa. I was ready. It was over before it was over for us and it was just casual dinner dates - no one I was really interested in beyond that. Once I was out on my own I was elated, happy and more open to something serious. A few mos later I met my now husband.

I second getting out from under the same roof asap. It will help you move on to your new wonderful life.

This should be all about you - your feelings, your happiness, your life. Not your ex. Do what's right for you.