2 steps forward, 3 steps back

yellow_pepper

Last week, my boyfriend started a Biggest Loser challenge at work... He's super committed. So into it that he came over faint from not eating enough on Saturday night. We went out to eat at a restaurant under my apartment building. I ordered my favorite: a lobster club sandwich, which comes with fries. I ate half and took the rest to go. He ordered grilled salmon with mashed potatoes and bok choy, and he only ate the salmon. I felt like a total hog.

He also brought over a box of my favorite cookies in the world, that his mother had brought for me from her trip to Paris (can't get them here). We each had one before bed. There were 22 more in the box.

The next day, I finished up the club sandwich and fries for my "brunch." It was salty, so I drank a ton of water. Then, foolishly, I decided to weigh myself. 140.5. I was devastated... 140 is my trigger number for the beginnings of self-disgust. I entered college at 140 and ballooned to 155 in a year. The next year, I was back down to 135 and I have hovered in the 130s ever since, with brief forays under 130, but never, NEVER hitting 140 since I was 20. And now, 7 years later, here I am again. :frown:

So I told myself I wasn't going to eat anything else for the rest of the day. But who was I kidding? I threw out half of the remaining cookies. The rest, I took a bite out of each one before throwing those away. I just don't have the self-control to keep them around, or even wait a day to bring them to work.

I was thinking to myself... Is it just a matter of luck that I weigh 138 and not 338 - as I feel the same pressures, the same lack of resistance to food in my house. I know that I've taken a hard line with a lot of members who complain of these same feelings. And I know, it's f*ing hard to learn self-control when your natural inclination is to eat the whole box of cookies. I can't even keep sweets in my house because I know I'll finish off the whole amount available in less than a day.

Anyway, in the hopes that sharing my struggle and progress (or lack thereof) with the group may lead to better results, I want to start. After all, I log in several times a day, usually to comment on other people's threads. Why not channel my obsession into something that could actually help me to start succeeding?

So here I go: First thing this morning I weighed in at 138, where I've been since last Friday (with the exception of my post-brunch weigh in yesterday - I have got to stop that). I gained weight over V-Day weekend - the Friday before, 2/13, I weighed 135. I had a doctor's appointment at 8:45, so I had a Slim Fast Low Carb shake for breakfast at 8:00. Sure enough, by 9:15, I was hungry. I stopped into one of my favorite bakeries, but they didn't have what I was craving (thank heaven), so I left empty-handed. When I got to work, I bought a small banana and a cup of coffee with about 1 tbsp of whole milk. So far, I've had 300 calories.

I've already walked about 30 minutes today, which is 15 more than I typically do in the morning (going to the doctor is what doubled it). I think I'll walk home during my lunch break to get in another 30 min (home and back). Or maybe I'll just walk outside for a whole hour during my lunch break... But I know I'm going to have to eat something. At home, I only have nonfat Greek yogurt (100 cal per cup) and 7 more Low Carb Slim Fast shakes (190 cal). If I do go home, I'll probably have one of each for lunch - with a packet of splenda and a tsp of cinnamon mixed into the yogurt. So, 300 calories for lunch. Or I might stop at the grocery store and buy a can of soup - I like Progresso reduced sodium zesty gumbo. That and my yogurt would be 330 - and probably more satisfying than the Slim Fast (which I won't buy again, I don't think).

yellow_pepper

Last week, my boyfriend started a Biggest Loser challenge at work... He's super committed. So into it that he came over faint from not eating enough on Saturday night. We went out to eat at a restaurant under my apartment building. I ordered my favorite: a lobster club sandwich, which comes with fries. I ate half and took the rest to go. He ordered grilled salmon with mashed potatoes and bok choy, and he only ate the salmon. I felt like a total hog.

He also brought over a box of my favorite cookies in the world, that his mother had brought for me from her trip to Paris (can't get them here). We each had one before bed. There were 22 more in the box.

The next day, I finished up the club sandwich and fries for my "brunch." It was salty, so I drank a ton of water. Then, foolishly, I decided to weigh myself. 140.5. I was devastated... 140 is my trigger number for the beginnings of self-disgust. I entered college at 140 and ballooned to 155 in a year. The next year, I was back down to 135 and I have hovered in the 130s ever since, with brief forays under 130, but never, NEVER hitting 140 since I was 20. And now, 7 years later, here I am again. :frown:

So I told myself I wasn't going to eat anything else for the rest of the day. But who was I kidding? I threw out half of the remaining cookies. The rest, I took a bite out of each one before throwing those away. I just don't have the self-control to keep them around, or even wait a day to bring them to work.

I was thinking to myself... Is it just a matter of luck that I weigh 138 and not 338 - as I feel the same pressures, the same lack of resistance to food in my house. I know that I've taken a hard line with a lot of members who complain of these same feelings. And I know, it's f*ing hard to learn self-control when your natural inclination is to eat the whole box of cookies. I can't even keep sweets in my house because I know I'll finish off the whole amount available in less than a day.

Anyway, in the hopes that sharing my struggle and progress (or lack thereof) with the group may lead to better results, I want to start. After all, I log in several times a day, usually to comment on other people's threads. Why not channel my obsession into something that could actually help me to start succeeding?

So here I go: First thing this morning I weighed in at 138, where I've been since last Friday (with the exception of my post-brunch weigh in yesterday - I have got to stop that). I gained weight over V-Day weekend - the Friday before, 2/13, I weighed 135. I had a doctor's appointment at 8:45, so I had a Slim Fast Low Carb shake for breakfast at 8:00. Sure enough, by 9:15, I was hungry. I stopped into one of my favorite bakeries, but they didn't have what I was craving (thank heaven), so I left empty-handed. When I got to work, I bought a small banana and a cup of coffee with about 1 tbsp of whole milk. So far, I've had 300 calories.

I've already walked about 30 minutes today, which is 15 more than I typically do in the morning (going to the doctor is what doubled it). I think I'll walk home during my lunch break to get in another 30 min (home and back). Or maybe I'll just walk outside for a whole hour during my lunch break... But I know I'm going to have to eat something. At home, I only have nonfat Greek yogurt (100 cal per cup) and 7 more Low Carb Slim Fast shakes (190 cal). If I do go home, I'll probably have one of each for lunch - with a packet of splenda and a tsp of cinnamon mixed into the yogurt. So, 300 calories for lunch. Or I might stop at the grocery store and buy a can of soup - I like Progresso reduced sodium zesty gumbo. That and my yogurt would be 330 - and probably more satisfying than the Slim Fast (which I won't buy again, I don't think).

12by311

I can't even keep sweets in my house because I know I'll finish off the whole amount available in less than a day.

You are so not alone with this. I wish I didn't have this unnatural (natural?) inclination towards sweets. I would be FINE if I didn't. I don't pig out on chips. I can totally go without fries. I never go overboard with big huge meals. But desserts....chocolate...sweets...cookies...whatever....it's SO hard for me to say no.

Yesterday I went to my grandparents house and ate some soul food for Sunday lunch. It was delicious. I stayed within my calories, even having a piece of angel good cake. Then my aunt brought a tin of assorted chocolate dipped cookies. They were so good. Then, I went over my calories for the day. I would have been fine had I just not ate those cookies!

Anyway, I understand your struggle. This is probably weird, but one of the things I pray about for my unborn future children is that they will not inherit my sweet tooth.

yellow_pepper

I just wanted to add...

I know that not everyone will sympathize with the struggle of a woman who has trouble staying in her preferred weight range. But it really isn't much easier once you are "healthy" or even "thin" if you still feel petrified by the thought of gaining a few pounds, and re-entering a phase of your life when you bought new, larger pants every few months.

It's improvement that makes all of us feel good. Being in a phase when you feel like your condition is getting worse feels terrible... and no one really suspects anything is wrong because they can't see it until you have a lot of weight gain (or some other problem) to undo.

Whatever I may have said in the past, and whether or not I've horribly irritated people when I respond to their posts about bingeing - it's actually these members with whom I identify most. The ones who feel out of control, be it from social pressure or internal stimuli that say "eat, eat, eat."

I want to get past that. And that's why I've taken this deeply personal approach today.

adopt4

I dont' mean to be harsh here, but you are NOT eating healthy. It has nothing to do with the snacks, but has everything to do with the shakes. If you starve your body of the fuel it needs, it WILL add fat. Throw out the Slimfast shakes. Unless you plan on never eating real food again, it does you no good except for maybe a short time success which can easily turn into a long term failure.

So what SHOULD you do? Eat foods that your body needs. Eat all the raw carrots and celery you want and don't even log it. For breakfast eat a serving of Rice Chex and milk (roughly 180 cals altogether). If you're still hungry, eat a banana. For lunch take a baked chicken breast - 100 calories. And baked veggies, again, they're what your body needs.

Eat 5-7 times a day, smaller amounts to up your metabolism. Don't obsess over the calories and if you go over 1 calorie feel like a failure. Focus on eating healthy amounts of healthy things. Yes the calorie tracker is nice and is very helpful for some people, like me, who's "eyeball" idea of things is WAAY off... but for some people, it creates failure. It's a tool, works for some, not for others.

There are lots of recipes that are low cal, VERY tasty, and very healthy. I've gotten quite a few of them off MFP.

I would measure yourself rather than weigh yourself, again, a scale is a tool, which can help some and make others fail. The end-all of-all is not the numbers, but how are you eating, exercising, and how you feel.

gilly88

i agree with adopt4 - slim fast shakes are just sugar and water! buy some high quality protein if you like shakes (like optimum nutrition) and mix with water/oats/soy milk/banana for a really filling snack.
i would advocate more protein, too - this will help fill you up. so for example instead of Greek Yoghurt (dont get me wrong its not bad) maybe buy some pre-cooked chicken and wrap it in lettuce leaves with hummus (thats what ihad for lunch today, YUM and kept me full for a good three hours)
hope this helps - DON'T give up you'll get there! i am same as you, just wanting to stay within preferred range so i hear yoU!:flowerforyou:

yellow_pepper

The Slim Fast shakes I have are the low carb ones. They don't have any sugar. But they're really not a satisfying lunch - only work as a breakfast, as far as I'm concerned. I can't keep cereal in my kitchen. I will eat the whole box. Nutritionally, the Slim Fast is no worse than a serving of cereal with skim milk.

To the point about protein, I am always "over" on protein. I easily eat at least 60 grams by the time I have lunch - probably closer to 100 after dinner. Take today. I opted for poached salmon on a bed of greens, tomatoes and a few olives with lemon vinaigrette for lunch. I'll have to estimate calories. But better than the plan I had earlier on. For dessert, I'll just have the can of diet coke in my desk.

And I'll skip the gelato that I was having every day last week. At about 210 cal per serving, it could only really be responsible for about 0.3 pounds. But it was hardly the only dessert I had on those days. On one day last week, I had gelato and a pint of Breyer's ice cream - which is much lower in calories than say, a pint of Haagen-Daz, but still, a pint is a pint!