When friends drift apart... and you're fine with it

bluemist248

Just had this facebook message from an old friend: "I miss you I keep having dreams about you at the moment. What happened to our friendship? xxx"

I literally have no idea how to respond to that!? Firstly, the dream part seemed kinda creepy from someone I haven't spoke to in a year. My honest answer is that we're very different people now, we went our separate ways when she went to a uni across the country and and I stayed in my hometown. I'm fine with that, people do move on and change, that part of the variety of life. I just hate when people try and bring the past back.

Trouble is, whilst I embrace moving on and change, many people don't and want things to go back the way they were.

I'm not sure if I should respond honestly, or just ignore it, or worse for me, respond by lying and saying I've missed her too , shall we catch up over the holidays blah blah blah.. (despite being too busy meeting new people, getting new jobs, changing myself)

I'm aware this sounds cold and childish, really I am. Surely there are other people that go to university and experience this with childhood friends who they were kinda relieved to move away from?

Iamfit4life

I've been the friend people drifted from, and it hurts.
When you are friends with somebody for 10+ years is it really that hard to keep in some kind of contact?

I guess having moved around a lot I realize how important the people I truly care about are.

I've got a friend and we have 0 in common. Nothing. In fact she drives me bonkers. But after 15 years I cannot cut off communication. It doesn't seem right.

i_love_vinegar

I can totally relate, but it doesnt sound like she was much of a friend to you if you feel this way. ^^

I do not develop close bonds with most people, so it is common for me to lie and act an equal way...because I still appreciate their friendship and it makes me feel really nice to know that someone cares for me like that. >.<

I think we are all different people. I have a friend (still on Facebook at least), and we have drifted apart from each other although I still miss our times we spent together. I went to college, she didn't. She moved out of state, I moved out of the country. I still think she is amazing, but our lives do seem to have taken different paths.

I have friends who tell me, "I miss you!" but I do not miss them...some I have not seen for years...but while I do not miss them, I say I do because I still enjoy their company and I do not think there is anything wrong with reciprocating the feeling of being wanted

I think if you do not want to be friends with this person anymore, maybe send a short reply such as, "Thank you. I hope you are doing well!" Remember this person's feelings are good ones...so I think it is cruel to give an honest response as well as to ignore it...

Good luck

rosebarnalice

Respond with this:

It's so nice to hear from you--brings back some good memories from before we went our separate ways. Best to you!

Sublimely_Self_Righteousreused

I don't think there is anything creepy about it. You two drifted apart, no biggie. She probably realized she valued the friendship and wanted to reconnect with you because it meant something to her, even if it doesn't mean anything to you. No need to be worked up

xsmilexforxmex

I don't think there is anything creepy about it. You two drifted apart, no biggie. She probably realized she valued the friendship and wanted to reconnect with you because it meant something to her, even if it doesn't mean anything to you. No need to be worked up

and this

Respond with this:

It's so nice to hear from you--brings back some good memories from before we went our separate ways. Best to you!

I randomy message ppl all the time with that but no real intention of actually getting back to chilling.. I just realize I miss how fun things used to be and every now and then I like to keep in touch and see how people are doing. If I dontg et a message back, no big... I wouldn't lie to her but I would be mean either.. just say it's been awhile and brough back some memories.. or dont respond.. I doubt she'll even remember in a few weeks and if she does she'll get it.

juliecat1

I can relate. Ive lived in 4 states in 5 years. Made it hard to get close to anyone new. Ive sort of moved on from my "original" hometown friends too. I didnt want to - infact, whenever I would go home I would call them and we would hang out. All we did was talk about 'the good ol days'. They all worked at the same place we worked at before with the same people and doing the same things. I was the one out of the loop. I enjoy their company but cant relate to them quite the same now. Its not a bad thing - just life. Theres nothing wrong with catching up casually and reflecting but that doesnt mean you have to be close friends again if you dont want to.

SuperCork

Respond with this:

It's so nice to hear from you--brings back some good memories from before we went our separate ways. Best to you!

I think this is a great suggestion. In the past, I have resurrected friendships that had waned (mostly out of current loneliness, which can really rewrite the past), and discovered they would have best been left alone. Just do what feels right to you read: what lets you sleep at night and face yourself in the mirror. The advice of others can be helpful, but inviting that also opens you up to judgement and unwanted opinions. Fact of life.

bluemist248

I can totally relate, but it doesnt sound like she was much of a friend to you if you feel this way. ^^

...

I think if you do not want to be friends with this person anymore, maybe send a short reply such as, "Thank you. I hope you are doing well!" Remember this person's feelings are good ones...so I think it is cruel to give an honest response as well as to ignore it...

Good luck

You raise two very good points.

Admittedly, She wasn't a great friend to me back in school, she was always the first to turn her back if I had problems, no matter how small or literally life threatening the problem was, for example, I didn't get so much as a 'Are you ok?' after being hospitalised from a motorbike accident earlier this year, though I know she knew about it. So for this reason I don't feel I can be truly false (i.e. arrange to meet up and act like nothing's changed).

But you're right, it does seem cruel to ignore her or be totally honest. It's a brave move of her and makes her kinda vulnerable too so I certainly wouldn't want to hurt her.

writtenINthestars

I don't think there is anything creepy about it. You two drifted apart, no biggie. She probably realized she valued the friendship and wanted to reconnect with you because it meant something to her, even if it doesn't mean anything to you. No need to be worked up

Agreed.

bluemist248

Respond with this:

It's so nice to hear from you--brings back some good memories from before we went our separate ways. Best to you!

I think this is a great suggestion. In the past, I have resurrected friendships that had waned (mostly out of current loneliness, which can really rewrite the past), and discovered they would have best been left alone. Just do what feels right to you read: what lets you sleep at night and face yourself in the mirror. The advice of others can be helpful, but inviting that also opens you up to judgement and unwanted opinions. Fact of life.

I hadn't even thought of it that way, excellent point, thank you

atsteele

If you have no desire to continue to befriend this person, be honest. Don't say something that you don't mean, ie, you miss her and want to catch up when you really don't. Sounds like this person still holds you in her heart. Just remember, this person could be you someday.

JNettie73

I completely understand where you are coming from. I have someone who I used to be good friends with but eventually we went our own ways. (She moved away to college.) After college she moved back home but our friendship was not the same. I saw her once in a while but started realizing how completely different we were. She did not share the same interests as I did. Not to mention she lived in the past, high school past. I can understand reminiscing about the past from time to time but when you still act like you are in HS when you are in your mid 20's it is a little much. I matured and she didn't. It was frustrating to hang out with her because she could not move on from our HS days. Fast forward to years later, both of us approaching our 40's and she is still the same, living in her HS days. It is sad and I feel bad for her that she cannot move on. But at the same time, the fact of the matter is I have, I am not that same person I used to be. Our lives have taken two completely different paths and I am ok with that. I see nothing wrong with the occasional contact of "Hi how are you? Glad to hear things are going well." on FB but that is it.

I agree with what others said. I would respond but keep it simple. "Nice to hear from you. Things are going well. Hope all is well with you. Wishing you and your family a happy holiday." and move on. Best of luck to you!

atsteele

I completely understand where you are coming from. I have someone who I used to be good friends with but eventually we went our own ways. (She moved away to college.) After college she moved back home but our friendship was not the same. I saw her once in a while but started realizing how completely different we were. She did not share the same interests as I did. Not to mention she lived in the past, high school past. I can understand reminiscing about the past from time to time but when you still act like you are in HS when you are in your mid 20's it is a little much. I matured and she didn't. It was frustrating to hang out with her because she could not move on from our HS days. Fast forward to years later, both of us approaching our 40's and she is still the same, living in her HS days. It is sad and I feel bad for her that she cannot move on. But at the same time, the fact of the matter is I have, I am not that same person I used to be. Our lives have taken two completely different paths and I am ok with that. I see nothing wrong with the occasional contact of "Hi how are you? Glad to hear things are going well." on FB but that is it.

I agree with what others said. I would respond but keep it simple. "Nice to hear from you. Things are going well. Hope all is well with you. Wishing you and your family a happy holiday." and move on. Best of luck to you!

Nicely said. Kind, considerate and honest.