Moving on and starting to date?

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farfalledibaciodinotte
farfalledibaciodinotte Posts: 181 Member
in Chit-Chat
Ok. I know this may be a ridiculous question... but after being in a long term relationship.. and having it all crash and burn.... How does one begin to date again?

I've talked to girlfriends and they say that getting over the ex is all about keeping him out of your mind and staying occupied with someone new... is this right?
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  • shovav91
    shovav91 Posts: 2,335 Member
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    There is no universally successful way to get over a relationship. The only thing that truly heals is time. I'm sorry you have to go through this; it's always hard. Focus on bettering yourself for a while. Don't jump into a new relationship out of fear of being alone. Love yourself and eventually you will stumble upon the perfect person to love you.
  • liseyicious
    liseyicious Posts: 29
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    There is no universally successful way to get over a relationship. The only thing that truly heals is time. I'm sorry you have to go through this; it's always hard. Focus on bettering yourself for a while. Don't jump into a new relationship out of fear of being alone. Love yourself and eventually you will stumble upon the perfect person to love you.

    agree
  • mznisaelaine
    mznisaelaine Posts: 2,262 Member
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    I've got out of a long term relationship some months ago and Im having a hard time in that area of bring single etc... But the best thing to do I found out is to heal, work on myself, and someone will come along when he does ...
  • manderson27
    manderson27 Posts: 3,510 Member
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    Making an independent, full and interesting life for yourself is the most important thing. If you feel good about yourself and confident in your life you will find that makes you very attractive and I am sure the dates wil follow. Good luck.:flowerforyou:
  • Eleanorjanethinner
    Eleanorjanethinner Posts: 563 Member
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    Ok. I know this may be a ridiculous question... but after being in a long term relationship.. and having it all crash and burn.... How does one begin to date again?

    I've talked to girlfriends and they say that getting over the ex is all about keeping him out of your mind and staying occupied with someone new... is this right?

    Hmm... I wouldn't say so. I'd say you're dealing with grief and loss and anger and whatever other emotions (relief?) that you might have and trying to bury your emotions isn't helpful in my opinion.

    It depends a lot on you, your situation, how long it's been, how long you were together and how invested you were in him etc. But I'd say, do face your feelings, whatever they are, head on. Journal, talk to friends, cry, scream, whatever but try to add reason into your thoughts as well i.e. not getting bitter and untrusting of men in general.

    Also, beware of trying to use one other human being to meet your emotional needs - that's too heavy a burden for one person. Lean on your friends and family and any other supports you have (pets?). Nurture yourself with good food, exercise, sleep, rest, non-food treats etc. Try to come to a new relationship as a fairly whole and healthy person, not half a person trying to latch onto someone else to survive.

    It's tough. Good luck!
  • LuciaLongIsland
    LuciaLongIsland Posts: 815 Member
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    I've got out of a long term relationship some months ago and Im having a hard time in that area of bring single etc... But the best thing to do I found out is to heal, work on myself, and someone will come along when he does ...

    I am quite a bit older and truly I am done. Well, I was married twice, have 2 sons who are grown. I was involved with someone for 21 years. Yes, 21 years. He was diagnosed with terminal cancer and left me for his family. He had never been close to them, but hey...Long story...

    I was lucky in that I was thin or average weight my entire life. I got heavy a few years ago, due to a serious illness. I am having a really tough time losing. I cant even imagine going out with a man. I feel like a beached whale. I am so self conscious . I refused to be intimate with my ex. I feel so gross!! I applaud you ladies who are overweight and still feel good. I have heard all the cliches, sadly, I cannot believe them. Once again, I applaud you all.
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,365 Member
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    I agree with keeping him out of your mind (by staying busy). But only start with someone new when it actually feels ok to you. I went on dates right away- as soon as I was comfortably numb and could shut up about my ex. But I knew those dates would go nowhere. I just did it for a distraction. They actually made me feel worse sometimes. It took me many months before I was comfortable with the idea of being close to someone else again.

    Go with your gut, not a calendar or your friends advice. Let them take you out so you don't start to sink, but don't do things just to get someone out of your head/heart. Your mind needs to process the change. It'll keep you from making irrational decisions later based on unresolved feelings you may have. Once you're there, you'll know. If you suspect you might be, you probably are. Good luck.
  • JennieAL
    JennieAL Posts: 1,726 Member
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    Making an independent, full and interesting life for yourself is the most important thing. If you feel good about yourself and confident in your life you will find that makes you very attractive and I am sure the dates wil follow. Good luck.:flowerforyou:

    This!
  • JennieAL
    JennieAL Posts: 1,726 Member
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    Ok. I know this may be a ridiculous question... but after being in a long term relationship.. and having it all crash and burn.... How does one begin to date again?

    I've talked to girlfriends and they say that getting over the ex is all about keeping him out of your mind and staying occupied with someone new... is this right?

    I wouldn't rush into dating... do some things just for you. And if someone comes along who's interested and you're interested, well, there you go. Just let it happen.
  • cantjustcant
    cantjustcant Posts: 1,027 Member
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    I got out of a LTR 18 months ago. It ended with him cheating on me. It took 16 months for me to stop blaming myself and take a chance again. People can tell you what worked for them but this is your journey, no one can walk it but you
  • hkulbacki
    hkulbacki Posts: 187 Member
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    Ok. I know this may be a ridiculous question... but after being in a long term relationship.. and having it all crash and burn.... How does one begin to date again?

    I've talked to girlfriends and they say that getting over the ex is all about keeping him out of your mind and staying occupied with someone new... is this right?

    Staying occupied... sure, it helps. But with someone new... not necessarily. Just get out and do things you enjoy doing. You may find someone new there, but if not you'll still have fun doing your own thing. And it's usually the best place to eventually find someone who enjoys the things you enjoy :)
  • LorinaLynn
    LorinaLynn Posts: 13,247 Member
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    Take time for YOU. Don't even think about dating yet. People who hop from relationship to relationship never learn and grow. Be comfortable being by yourself first. Once you reach a place emotionally where you think, "You know what? I'm really happy now and I don't give a damn if I EVER meet someone!"... that's when you'll meet someone.
  • FitJoani
    FitJoani Posts: 2,173 Member
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    Dating is fine. Just do it with NO expectations and have fun with the whole experience. Time does heal all wounds. I won't use the contrived line that 'you will meet the one' because I don't believe it myself. Hang in there hold your head up high and enjoy the single train, cause it is ALOT more fun
  • AnninStPaul
    AnninStPaul Posts: 1,372 Member
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    A month for every year...because that's how long our denomination recommends having an interim pastor serve a congregation after the prior pastor has moved on or retired...
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,063 Member
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    You just have to move on with your life, and you may meet someone there. Don't go looking specifically for it.
  • Harmony14
    Harmony14 Posts: 21
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    This is a tough one - as only you will know when it is right for you to start to date again. However, as some of the other replies have indicated - its probably best not to jump into anything right away to try and fill that gaping hole that can occur when we miss having someone close to us.

    Although my circumstances will be different than yours, I am dealing with similar questions due to a very recent breakup that literally came from nowhere (his grief) - how does one suddenly fill the time that used be spent with that person you were close to, what does it mean about who I am - how do I redefine "me" as a single person rather than the "me" who was part of a couple. While this is my process, I offer it in hopes that something might fit for you: I am trying to be patient with myself and I am working on moving from feeling crappy to feeling just a little bit better - maybe I only cried once today rather than three or four times - but I am focussing on those little steps forward. And I am not letting anyone tell me how I should be feeling or how I should be reacting - but I am working hard to be respectful of my needs and that includes not looking for a quick fix with someone else out of a need to just have another living breathing being next to me.

    I think it is so important to honour who you are - spend a bit of time doing what you need to in order to heal - don't be afraid to reach out to friends who can offer positive support and a listening ear. Focus on taking it one step / one moment / one day at a time and let yourself grieve as you need to. More than anything - keep an open heart - this one situation does not define who you are or who you will be for the rest of your life - only you can do that.

    I wish you well on your journey
  • latinqueencee
    latinqueencee Posts: 120 Member
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    I dont think using people to help you forget about someone is fair to any one involved, more so you. I was dumped 3 years ago by someone I loved more than anything. I've gotten past the hurt, but it's taken me a loooooooong time to even want to date. I really just dont want to put myself in a position where someone can hurt me again, but these are my issues. As for you, take it day by day. Take some time for yourself. You move on in your own time, not when or how your friends suggest you should.
  • wickedcricket
    wickedcricket Posts: 1,246 Member
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    no - rebounding is not the only way and not neccessarily the best way. There are MANY other ways to occupy your mind than to clutter it up with ANOTHER man.
    Bed hopping is not for me and I don't jump from one relationship to another. I've been divorced over a year, been on about 4 or 5 dates.
    I keep busy with 2 dogs, a full time job - 4 kids & 10 grandkids, fitness - bicycling ... you get the idea. Just get your *kitten* out there. You'll see and be seen.
    Life will go on, you develop new interests - grow as an INDIVIDUAL. You MIGHT find out you're not even attracted to that person. or his type.
    who knows?
    Have fun being single. Don't buy the hype. Too many people see it as being 'alone' I see it as being FREE! I can date who ever I want. When ever I want. Dump them when I want. for any reason I want.
    Go where I want, do what I want. I make my own plans. Wear what I like. Get my hair all chopped off if I want to. Last summer I did bold blond highlights. this summer will be choppy & bold blond too.
    There's A LOT to be said for being single. I love it
  • Stephshea77
    Stephshea77 Posts: 3
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    Going thru the exact same thing!! I am working my way through it by focusing on being good to myself first, eating well, exercising & keeping positive people around me. I'm going to actually enjoy being single for a while... ;) I agree with wickedcricket totally!!
  • JustLindaLou
    JustLindaLou Posts: 376 Member
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    Making an independent, full and interesting life for yourself is the most important thing. If you feel good about yourself and confident in your life you will find that makes you very attractive and I am sure the dates wil follow. Good luck.:flowerforyou:

    I absolutely agree with this!! I am arriving at this point, content with my life as it is but eager to work on the areas of me that need to be improved.... just met a man I find incredibly intriguing, I would love to go on a date with him, but if it doesn't happen I am not going to be devastated. A year ago, I would have been crushed if the attraction was not mutual because I was too fragile and insecure from the breakup drama....

    Take time and focus on you!

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