Advice on moving in, marriage, and babies

ghiagirl893

My boyfriend and I are planning on moving in together in January. We have been together just under a year. I spend 5-7 days a week at his apartment, and we both love each other very much and cannot stand not being together. I am not opposed to the idea, but I like the romance of not moving in together until after marriage. Due to his rough childhood and being the child of divorced parents, moving in together is an important step in getting married. I am extremely anxious to get married and have children, though young. We have both agreed to wait until I graduate from college and save a nice nest egg so we don't have to put our kids in a day care.

The question: What do you think is a reasonable amount of time to wait to move in together, get married, and have babies? Also, how much do babies cost on average (I am planning on using cloth diapers and making my own baby food.)

JennieAL

I would advise against moving in with him... can't believe I'm saying that. But, I've done it 3 times. One turned into a very rocky 6 yr relationship I ended. What a waste of 6 yrs of my life, in many ways.

I met my husband last February. He moved in pretty quickly. We were married on 11-11-11 (nice date, huh?). It didn't really help us (and actually HURT us) to live together first. I advise against this... just date the guy until you are truly ready to commit. And there's NO commitment like marriage! Living together just can't compare... Not saying that living with him will hurt your relationship, but it's rife with the potential to do so....

ghiagirl893

We are definitely going to move in together. I know its not the best idea, increases risk for divorce, etc etc. It is happening. I would marry him today if he asked me. The moving in is completely for him. I am 100% on this guy.

I am more looking for advice on how long to wait to get married and have babies

JennieAL

We are definitely going to move in together. I know its not the best idea, increases risk for divorce, etc etc. It is happening. I would marry him today if he asked me. The moving in is completely for him. I am 100% on this guy.

I am more looking for advice on how long to wait to get married and have babies

You would marry him today if he asked? Even MORE reason not to move in with him... Looks like you've already decided to leave that ball in his court, so you're on his marriage time table now... good luck.

dragonbait0126

I think it's different for everyone. My experience with living with my husband before we got married was the exact opposite of JennieAL's. My husband and I moved in together December of 1999 (began dating 8/26/98) and didn't get married until 08/26/10. We lived as a married couple the entire time. We've had a joint checking account, joint bills and had the mentality of "ours" instead of "his and hers" ever since we moved in together. We have now been together for a little over 13 years and married for just over 1 year. I agree with JennieAL's comment that living with someone means that there is potential to cause harm to your relationship. That being said, I think that potential is there whether you are married or not. As far as living with someone before marriage, others can only share their experiences but no one can tell you what is right or wrong because it's your relationship not anyone else's. You have to do what you feel is right for you.

As for having kids, just remember that things don't always go according to plan and for many people, if you wait until you are "financially ready" to have a kid then you will never be ready. Having a savings is great. But just keep in mind that the economy changes, your job situation can change, your income can change. Nothing is a guarantee. My husband and I had the same plan as you. What happened? Yes, I've finished my degree. I'm now a month away from 32, he just turned 37, we have a very small savings, and no kids. Our plan tanked because my husband lost his job and was unemployed for 19 months. While yeah money is an important part of being able to have a child, the more important piece is being emotionally and mentally ready to have child.

HeidiMightyRawr

I moved in with my partner a year and a half ago after 4.5 years together. We probably would have a couple years earlier when I was 18 had money and circumstances allowed though
Personally, unless you have religious or moral (no sex before marriage) type views about moving in together or your relationship is unstable, I don't see any reason to wait if it's what you both would like. If waiting is what you would prefer then that's fine too but you have to realise it's not automatically perfect when your married. There will be all sorts of their character that you don't know about until then, no matter how much time you spend together now. How will chores be split, do they snore? Are they mature enough to handle tough financial decisions, do you both have the same views on marriage/kids?

We're not getting engaged/married yet as we can't afford it and while we talk about kids have agreed not to have them until once we've settled into marriage and are both stable in careers/money. Children cost A LOT and I don't want to be struggling. I want to be able to give them things they deserve (not spoilt) but just occasional treats, holidays, new clothes when they need them, days out, school trips, extra curricular activites/clubs. These things are usually missed out when people think about the cost of raising and can be hard when things pop up unexpected.

I'm 21, he's 25. We'd be quite happy to get engaged now if our financial situation was better (I'm still in uni so not working) but we're not 100% ready for children yet. I want to have them both in my 20's though, that's all I know.

bmqbonnie

Oy, you sound like me a few years ago. I was in college, early 20s, ready to get married and start having kids.

I was with him for five years. Moved in together after a couple years together. Got engaged after about 4, broke up this summer. SO glad I didn't marry him.

My advice is to not take any major steps until you've been together a year at least. It seems the honeymoon period lasts 8 months to a year so it's best not to do anything rash until that new and exciting bit wears off a little.

I do think, however, that you should wait until you're a bit older. I know people get married young, soon, etc and do fine but they aren't the majority. I think it's very important that you are each well established in your own lives before throwing someone else in the mix. Get done with school, get established in your career, then worry about that stuff. Marriage is difficult enough when you aren't each desperately searching for a job, drowning in student debt, etc. My sister went through the same thing- got married right out of college, accidentally got pregnant right away, ended up bankrupt. They are still going strong but it was very hard.

I think it's best to wait at least a year after marriage before having kids.

As for living together, I'm on the fence. I did it last time and it didn't work out. I'm in a new relationship and I would like to move in with him and would prefer it, but I am also questioning if it's the right decision. I know I don't want to deal with the stress of dealing with it and my parents as they are very old fashioned and basically disowned me for just mentioning the idea last time.

Ultimately, he's either the right guy or he's not. I moved in and broke up but he was a douchenugget (and yes, there was a time we loved each other very much, couldn't stand to be apart, etc etc). I like this new guy a lot and I think we'll do well whether we shack up or not but it's too early to tell.

My advice is just to take your time. I am also very eager to get married and have kids, but you have your whole life ahead of you. Get your shiz in order first and the rest will fall into place.

ChrisStoney

You are too young, LOL.

I was married when I was 24 though and we lived together for two years before, and no I wouldn't listen to anyone either.... but next year will be our 20 year anniversary... I would enjoy the marriage for 2 years before you have kids... then it gets real tough.... You should have all your education done first...

Rae6503

I moved in with my now husband at the age of 22 after being together for 8 months. We got engaged after being together for 1.5 years, married at 2.5 years of being together, I was 24. Had a baby after 2 years of being married. I was 26. This January we'll have been together for 10 years. We've been married 7 years and have 3 babies. We've had some rough times, but right now we are getting along great and still very much in love. Worked out for us.

I actually think moving in with someone before marriage is a good idea. How do you expect a marriage to work if you can't even live with someone? I do agree that you should finish school before having babies.

I can't say exactly how much babies cost. Formula can run $30 a week if for whatever reason breast feeding doesn't work out. Diapers are about $45 a month. Clothes can be expensive too but hand-me-downs from friends are great as are consignment shops and thrift stores. Really babies don't eat "baby food" for long before they move on to people food. Daycare here in Colorado is around $30 / day / kid. Preschool is expensive, was $240 a month.

No one can tell you what to do with your lift, but just think things through, communicate well with your partner, babies can wait.

JennieAL

You are too young, LOL.

I was married when I was 24 though and we lived together for two years before, and no I wouldn't listen to anyone either.... but next year will be our 20 year anniversary... I would enjoy the marriage for 2 years before you have kids... then it gets real tough.... You should have all your education done first...

Good advice for the OP! My husband and I are in our 30's and we're STILL waiting a year or two before having kids! Sage advice... and the poster who mentioned the part about not just using your finances as your reason for having kids or not... I hear that all the time, that you'll wait forever if you think you can have your finances in perfect order beforehand... not saying it's impossible, as I do think it's possible to plan ahead, of course. But I think the emotional readiness is most important.

sunkisses

Sadly, the most dysfunctional relationships I ever had involved rushing into moving in together and having children together. My best relationships were the ones where we took it easy and enjoyed each other's company.

I don't know one couple whose relationship wasn't drastically altered by having a child... and not always in a good way, either. So my advice is to cultivate a nice strong, enduring relationship with your partner before moving in together, and before planning children.

If you're good together, then you're good together no matter where you live or how much time has passed.

crzyone

How long to wait to have babies? Till you get married.

krazyforyou

Did you really just ask how much babies cost? More money than you can possibly EVER imagine. My advice to YOU for the whole thing - relationships,moving in with and babies is Dont Do It. Because if you were really ready you would never ask such a stupid question.

sarahliftsUP

My story is pretty unique... I'm 25 now, but I've been with my boyfriend since I was 14. We've been living together for 3 years now and I can't imagine not having it any other way. We're not married, not even engaged yet, but it's not in our plans yet. We both want to finish school first, he's in a two year program, and I'm currently in my first year of vet school. I would definitely like to get married, but can't imagine putting in the time and effort to plan for a wedding, let along afford it! But we know we want to have something small with close friends and family.

As for children, I'm not ready until I'm stable enough financially. I won't be graduating until 2015 and want to have a career going first before having babies. I know from people around me that usually a year after being married (and being together for 5-8 years) had their first child a year or shortly after being married.

For me, I know I want to be able to afford a nice wedding to celebrate, be financially stable to support a child without having to struggle to make ends meet, and be emotionally willing to have a child (definitely not there yet, I still feel too young!) You just have to do what feels right for you and where you are in your life.

ChrisStoney

Did you really just ask how much babies cost? More money than you can possibly EVER imagine. My advice to YOU for the whole thing - relationships,moving in with and babies is Dont Do It. Because if you were really ready you would never ask such a stupid question.

You sound like you want to spank her, hehehe. Do you have a similiar situation in your family? I have a 27 y/o stepson myself, he is very tough to deal with... but he does have a great GF.

christine24t

I hate to say it to, but moving in often kills the idea of him asking you to marry him, since you will be practically be married anyway. My mom even brought this up the other night, saying that if you move in with a guy, he has no reason to ask you to marry him. If I were you, I'd halt on the moving in, but spend more nights over there. But keep separate places until you marry, if the idea of marriage is important to you. Moving in with him complicates the whole thing.

krazyforyou

Did you really just ask how much babies cost? More money than you can possibly EVER imagine. My advice to YOU for the whole thing - relationships,moving in with and babies is Dont Do It. Because if you were really ready you would never ask such a stupid question.

You sound like you want to spank her, hehehe. Do you have a similiar situation in your family? I have a 27 y/o stepson myself, he is very tough to deal with... but he does have a great GF.

krazyforyou

Sorry I just dont have patience with stupid.

ghiagirl893

Thank you all for your replies.<3 As to the poster above me - if I was stupid I wouldn't be thinking about it at all.

I've seen move-ins break up relationships. Nearly all my friends from my little po-dunk high school are married/have babies, and do not have stable relationships, proper degrees, or are financially stable. These people are not me, and are not my boyfriend. If I had already had a baby, I would know how much they cost. I have no idea how often babies get sick, or medical expenses. Feeding them from my breast and using cloth diapers will help I'm sure. I want to enjoy just being married for a while. As another poster said, probably a minimum of 2 years married would be good, to help us get in our own flow, learn to work out our differences, etc.

My BF and I are (unfortunately IMO) planners. I like having as much knowledge in my head, especially stories from other real people, before moving foward with anything.