Need Help...Don't Laugh...

KarmaxKitty

I think a friend's girlfriend might be abusing him physically. I have no idea what I can do to help or even if I CAN help. It's like every little thing he does sets her off. He doesn't even sound like himself anymore. They used to be so happy, and were thinking of getting married...but he's starting to second guess himself.

What do you all think? :sad:

SueGremlin

Why on earth would anyone laugh at that? There is nothing funny about it.
Can you ask him? Open a dialog that is not judgmental or pushy. Let him know he can talk to you.

kr3851

Well... my aunt is a massive control freak and she has BROKEN her husband over the 20 years that we have known him. There was never anything physically abusive but those little comments day in day out. He's a totally different person now. They have split up and she is getting counselling for her control issues, but the damage is done.

I suggest having a chat with your friend - completely non-judgementally - and letting him know that you'e there if he needs you. It's extremely emasculating for a man to admit that he is a victim of domestic violence, so he may not want to admit it.... Be a good friend, be available, and hopefully he'll open up. Until then, just be there.

Jacquibennett

Tricky situation to be in. I don't think there is going to be any real right way of approaching this type of thing. Whatever you say to your friend they will probably get very defensive about it and either argue or tell you it's none of your business. However, by letting him know that you have noticed he's changed and that you are concerned about him it might at least put the thought into his mind that there is someone he can talk to that cares about him regardless of what is happening and he doesn't have to be alone.

If I were in your position I would risk an argument and allow my friend to have a go at me if it meant he realised I was there for him. You will probably need a lot of patience and put up with a few nasty comments (which is what people do when they are feeling defensive) and try not to take anything to heart. But if he comes to you eventually and talks about it then surely that would be worth it.

Hope that made some kind of sense!! Good luck xx

MaximalLife

I think a friend's girlfriend might be abusing him physically. I have no idea what I can do to help or even if I CAN help. It's like every little thing he does sets her off. He doesn't even sound like himself anymore. They used to be so happy, and were thinking of getting married...but he's starting to second guess himself.

What do you all think? :sad:

He needs to get a set.:mad:
It's pathetic enough that we have coward men on planet earth who hit their women.
I've seen this a few times in public, and my reaction is always the same. I bolt over and jack the guy, then get out of there as fast as I can.
HATE THAT!

But a sissy guy letting some psycho woman hit him?

He just needs to grow some cojones and get out of that relationship FAST.
If not, oh well...
That's his bed, and he will sleep in it.

SueGremlin

I think a friend's girlfriend might be abusing him physically. I have no idea what I can do to help or even if I CAN help. It's like every little thing he does sets her off. He doesn't even sound like himself anymore. They used to be so happy, and were thinking of getting married...but he's starting to second guess himself.

What do you all think? :sad:

He needs to get a set.:mad:
It's pathetic enough that we have coward men on planet earth who hit their women.
I've seen this a few times in public, and my reaction is always the same. I bolt over and jack the guy, then get out of there as fast as I can.
HATE THAT!

But a sissy guy letting some psycho woman hit him?

He just needs to grow some cojones and get out of that relationship FAST.
If not, oh well...
That's his bed, and he will sleep in it.

You should be ashamed of yourself. Calling an abuse victim a "sissy" shows that you have absolutely no understanding of that dynamic. It is the same as saying it's a woman's fault when a man hits her.

Shame on you. Seriously. Shame on you.

sunkisses

I have no idea why people stay in the relationships they do when they're clearly not good anymore. I think everyone (myself included) does this, but most people eventually figure a way out. Unfortunately telling someone to dump someone else sometimes makes them work double-time to stay in the situation just to prove people wrong (including themselves).

That said, I'd privately express my concern to him, and let him know you'll help him get out when he's ready.

icemaiden17_uk

So very not funny. My OH was in an abusive relationship. She attacked him with a knife and broke his nose amoung other things. All I can suggest is talking to your friend. In the end he will figure out that leaving her willo not be the disater he thinks it will be and it will be over. It will not be easy. My OH is still not even divorced after being seperated for 5 years and it is only in the last 2 years that she has left him alone. She rang him up to demand money once so she could rent a flat with her boyfriend! Talk to him and see. As often as you can. I think thats all you can do until he admits something is wrong and then youmust help him leave her.

Wanted to add for those who think abuse victims are sissys that my other half is as manly as they get! He was in the army where he saw action, he fights he loves Motorbikes and all of that stuff. But through it all he could never ever allow himself to strike a wowman. even a crazy one.

theome

i had a male friend who was in an abusive relationship for a year and half. Id bring it up to him all the time and he would deny it all the time. Finally he decided enough was enough and did want he needed to do to end it. A lot of pride at steak for men who are the ones being abused so its a bit more tricky. Just stick around and let him know you ready to help when he needs it, though if he waits too long to address it, it could be too late before something really bad happens.

debloves2ride

i had a male friend who was in an abusive relationship for a year and half. Id bring it up to him all the time and he was deny it all the time. Finally he decided enough was enough and did want he needed to do to end it. A lot of pride at steak for men who are the ones being abused so its a bit more tricky. Just stick around and let me know you ready to help when he needs it, though if he waits too long to address it, it could be too late before something really bad happens.

I think you are absolutely right. All you can do is let him know you are there for him. Maybe even give him some phone numbers that he might need, but just be there for him. He has to decide when enough is enough. I've know several people (both men and women) in abusive relationships and they need to take that first BIG step. good luck

Shawn_Marie

Definitely not funny; you need to talk to your friend without being pushy or sounding like your assuming anything. If this is truly happening, he needs to get away from the negative relationship.

14bound

I was in an abusive relationship for 2.5 years (many years ago). Even though I tried to hide it, some people knew. He is not going to get out of it until he is ready. The only thing you can do is let him know you're there for him and that you love him. When he's ready, he will get out of the relationship.

catfish9

People tend to harbor sexist views and look down on male victims, but domestic violence can and often does go both ways. It is these sorts of attitudes that make men less likely to come forward and admit that they have been victimized, and that perpetuates the stigma. It makes me sick to think of all of the men out there who are being abused and feel that they cannot or should not seek help, because they feel like "real" men don't get pushed around by women.

As the other posters have said, the most important thing is to make sure your friend knows that you're there for him, and try not to judge him. It is terribly difficult for some people to leave an abusive relationship, but knowing that he has a strong support network outside of his relationship may, in time, give him the courage he needs to end this.

Keep in mind that while you can see the signs clear as day, it may take a while for your friend to accept and realize that this is truly happening. There is not much you can do to force him, but to remain patient and open-- a person cannot truly be helped until they are ready to take some of the steps on their own, rather than just being shoved along.

CaptainGordo

I think a friend's girlfriend might be abusing him physically. I have no idea what I can do to help or even if I CAN help. It's like every little thing he does sets her off. He doesn't even sound like himself anymore. They used to be so happy, and were thinking of getting married...but he's starting to second guess himself.

What do you all think? :sad:

He needs to get a set.:mad:
It's pathetic enough that we have coward men on planet earth who hit their women.
I've seen this a few times in public, and my reaction is always the same. I bolt over and jack the guy, then get out of there as fast as I can.
HATE THAT!

But a sissy guy letting some psycho woman hit him?

He just needs to grow some cojones and get out of that relationship FAST.
If not, oh well...
That's his bed, and he will sleep in it.

You should be ashamed of yourself. Calling an abuse victim a "sissy" shows that you have absolutely no understanding of that dynamic. It is the same as saying it's a woman's fault when a man hits her.

Shame on you. Seriously. Shame on you.

Whether male or female, you gotta admit... it comes down to the victim gathering the courage (or cojones) and deciding to stop being a victim by taking some sort of action.

PlanetVelma

I think a friend's girlfriend might be abusing him physically. I have no idea what I can do to help or even if I CAN help. It's like every little thing he does sets her off. He doesn't even sound like himself anymore. They used to be so happy, and were thinking of getting married...but he's starting to second guess himself.

What do you all think? :sad:

He needs to get a set.:mad:
It's pathetic enough that we have coward men on planet earth who hit their women.
I've seen this a few times in public, and my reaction is always the same. I bolt over and jack the guy, then get out of there as fast as I can.
HATE THAT!

But a sissy guy letting some psycho woman hit him?

He just needs to grow some cojones and get out of that relationship FAST.
If not, oh well...
That's his bed, and he will sleep in it.

You should be ashamed of yourself. Calling an abuse victim a "sissy" shows that you have absolutely no understanding of that dynamic. It is the same as saying it's a woman's fault when a man hits her.

Shame on you. Seriously. Shame on you.

Whether male or female, you gotta admit... it comes down to the victim gathering the courage (or cojones) and deciding to stop being a victim by taking some sort of action.

Exactly! For men (generally speaking) it is more difficult to admit they're being abused.

Just be there for your friend and listen, don't judge.

I've been in that situation and it took me a long time to pull my head out and leave. And I'm the type of person that you would never think I'd subject myself to that kind of nonsense. He may have experienced this type of abuse as a child and may not realize this is not normal.

It is up to him to stop the cycle of violence.

MaximalLife

I think a friend's girlfriend might be abusing him physically. I have no idea what I can do to help or even if I CAN help. It's like every little thing he does sets her off. He doesn't even sound like himself anymore. They used to be so happy, and were thinking of getting married...but he's starting to second guess himself.

What do you all think? :sad:

He needs to get a set.:mad:
It's pathetic enough that we have coward men on planet earth who hit their women.
I've seen this a few times in public, and my reaction is always the same. I bolt over and jack the guy, then get out of there as fast as I can.
HATE THAT!

But a sissy guy letting some psycho woman hit him?

He just needs to grow some cojones and get out of that relationship FAST.
If not, oh well...
That's his bed, and he will sleep in it.

You should be ashamed of yourself. Calling an abuse victim a "sissy" shows that you have absolutely no understanding of that dynamic. It is the same as saying it's a woman's fault when a man hits her.

Shame on you. Seriously. Shame on you.

WRONG!

Shame on anybody who allows another person to physically abuse them, especially a man.
Screw me once shame on you; screw me twice and shame on me.

That's reality.

MaximalLife

I think a friend's girlfriend might be abusing him physically. I have no idea what I can do to help or even if I CAN help. It's like every little thing he does sets her off. He doesn't even sound like himself anymore. They used to be so happy, and were thinking of getting married...but he's starting to second guess himself.

What do you all think? :sad:

He needs to get a set.:mad:
It's pathetic enough that we have coward men on planet earth who hit their women.
I've seen this a few times in public, and my reaction is always the same. I bolt over and jack the guy, then get out of there as fast as I can.
HATE THAT!

But a sissy guy letting some psycho woman hit him?

He just needs to grow some cojones and get out of that relationship FAST.
If not, oh well...
That's his bed, and he will sleep in it.

You should be ashamed of yourself. Calling an abuse victim a "sissy" shows that you have absolutely no understanding of that dynamic. It is the same as saying it's a woman's fault when a man hits her.

Shame on you. Seriously. Shame on you.

Whether male or female, you gotta admit... it comes down to the victim gathering the courage (or cojones) and deciding to stop being a victim by taking some sort of action.

Exactly! For men (generally speaking) it is more difficult to admit they're being abused.

Just be there for your friend and listen, don't judge.

I've been in that situation and it took me a long time to pull my head out and leave. And I'm the type of person that you would never think I'd subject myself to that kind of nonsense. He may have experienced this type of abuse as a child and may not realize this is not normal.

It is up to him to stop the cycle of violence.

The last person to put his hands on me went to the emergency room.
And that broke the cycle of violence....along with his index finger, eye socket and nose...lol

And if you can't hit back, LEAVE!
No excuses...

kb455

This reminds me of a friend in my senior year of HS. He was really nice, sweet and attractive yet he must not have had ANY self-confidence because his girlfriend (also went to our school) would flip out on him at the drop of a hat. She'd scream at him in the halls, throw books at him, even slap him across the face in front of his friends/peers. Even teachers had to get involved sometimes. It happened on a nearly daily basis. It was awful to witness. People talked to him about it but he'd always make excuses for her. This was the first and only time I'd ever witness a man being PHYSICALLY abused by his girl. I would talk to him for sure. It may not help but its worth a shot. It won't get any better.

marialynnporter

You should talk to your friend and tell him that you noticed some changes and you want to make sure that he is okay. he might love her but know one should be in that! he is your friend and he should be able to talk to you about it. he might be scared to tell you too. just be nice about it and tell him you care and you really want to know whats going on with him, because it's putting you down.

KarmaxKitty

Thanks everyone...except for that one poster who CLEARLY wasn't being helpful...

I'll see if I can get a hold of him today long enough to ask him what's going on. He really is a great guy, and I don't want him broken to the point of no repair. I know he loves her, and would NEVER hit a woman...but something's gotta give if this is what I think it is...

stormieweather

It's not always as easy as just "leave".

Unfortunately, I have first hand knowledge of why.

I sent the OP a PM with some resources.

KarmaxKitty

It's not always as easy as just "leave".

Unfortunately, I have first hand knowledge of why.

I sent the OP a PM with some resources.

Thanks, Stormie, I got it. I'll see if I can gently squeeze it in there so he can look around. :flowerforyou:

SueGremlin

I think a friend's girlfriend might be abusing him physically. I have no idea what I can do to help or even if I CAN help. It's like every little thing he does sets her off. He doesn't even sound like himself anymore. They used to be so happy, and were thinking of getting married...but he's starting to second guess himself.

What do you all think? :sad:

He needs to get a set.:mad:
It's pathetic enough that we have coward men on planet earth who hit their women.
I've seen this a few times in public, and my reaction is always the same. I bolt over and jack the guy, then get out of there as fast as I can.
HATE THAT!

But a sissy guy letting some psycho woman hit him?

He just needs to grow some cojones and get out of that relationship FAST.
If not, oh well...
That's his bed, and he will sleep in it.

You should be ashamed of yourself. Calling an abuse victim a "sissy" shows that you have absolutely no understanding of that dynamic. It is the same as saying it's a woman's fault when a man hits her.

Shame on you. Seriously. Shame on you.

WRONG!

Shame on anybody who allows another person to physically abuse them, especially a man.
Screw me once shame on you; screw me twice and shame on me.

That's reality.

No. That is victim blaming. There is quite obviously a lot you do not understand about the dynamics of an abusive relationship. Meanwhile saying things like this? Hurts people. It makes people who are being abused feel like nobody will understand or believe them if they can find the strength to get out. And that sucks. The fact that you apparently think it's something people can just snap out of tells me that you know nothing about the subject and need to shut up about it. People like YOU are part of the problem.

I think you need to do some reading before spouting off like this.

And yes, shame on YOU.

onefitdiva

Wow that is a tough spot to be in as a friend. Often when you try to approach difficult subjects with friends they don't want to hear it. And more often domestic abuse victims deny it to themselves and others. I would try to talk to him, good luck.

fit4mom

I think a friend's girlfriend might be abusing him physically. I have no idea what I can do to help or even if I CAN help. It's like every little thing he does sets her off. He doesn't even sound like himself anymore. They used to be so happy, and were thinking of getting married...but he's starting to second guess himself.

What do you all think? :sad:

He needs to get a set.:mad:
It's pathetic enough that we have coward men on planet earth who hit their women.
I've seen this a few times in public, and my reaction is always the same. I bolt over and jack the guy, then get out of there as fast as I can.
HATE THAT!

But a sissy guy letting some psycho woman hit him?

He just needs to grow some cojones and get out of that relationship FAST.
If not, oh well...
That's his bed, and he will sleep in it.

You should be ashamed of yourself. Calling an abuse victim a "sissy" shows that you have absolutely no understanding of that dynamic. It is the same as saying it's a woman's fault when a man hits her.

Shame on you. Seriously. Shame on you.

Whether male or female, you gotta admit... it comes down to the victim gathering the courage (or cojones) and deciding to stop being a victim by taking some sort of action.

Exactly! For men (generally speaking) it is more difficult to admit they're being abused.

Just be there for your friend and listen, don't judge.

I've been in that situation and it took me a long time to pull my head out and leave. And I'm the type of person that you would never think I'd subject myself to that kind of nonsense. He may have experienced this type of abuse as a child and may not realize this is not normal.

It is up to him to stop the cycle of violence.

Actually I've known very few who have ever been able to admit abuse while in a relationship. It's a protective thing. It's how to survive the reality of what's going on. But that's my personal experience with friends and family that I've watched go through it. And my own personal experience. Who want's to believe they are being abused. But then some do admit it and that's a whole other side I'm not prepared to get into. Those I've found are few and far in between.

RobynC79

It's pathetic enough that we have coward men on planet earth who hit their women.
I've seen this a few times in public, and my reaction is always the same. I bolt over and jack the guy, then get out of there as fast as I can.
HATE THAT!

But a sissy guy letting some psycho woman hit him?

He just needs to grow some cojones and get out of that relationship FAST.
If not, oh well...
That's his bed, and he will sleep in it.

Wow, I think you just won the d*****bag of the day award...

I would take your friend out somewhere neutral and be plain about your concerns. Say that you are concerned for them, that you are willing to help, and then see what happens. If there's nothing abusive happening, no one loses. If your friend denies it and isn't ready to talk, at least now he knows you will be when they're ready. And if your friend does confirm your fears, you can do whatever you need to do right away to help him. Good luck.

fiercewarrior1

I don't understand why this topic is called 'need help..don't laugh'. Why would anyone laugh about this?

christine24t

I think a friend's girlfriend might be abusing him physically. I have no idea what I can do to help or even if I CAN help. It's like every little thing he does sets her off. He doesn't even sound like himself anymore. They used to be so happy, and were thinking of getting married...but he's starting to second guess himself.

What do you all think? :sad:

He needs to get a set.:mad:
It's pathetic enough that we have coward men on planet earth who hit their women.
I've seen this a few times in public, and my reaction is always the same. I bolt over and jack the guy, then get out of there as fast as I can.
HATE THAT!

But a sissy guy letting some psycho woman hit him?

He just needs to grow some cojones and get out of that relationship FAST.
If not, oh well...
That's his bed, and he will sleep in it.

You should be ashamed of yourself. Calling an abuse victim a "sissy" shows that you have absolutely no understanding of that dynamic. It is the same as saying it's a woman's fault when a man hits her.

Shame on you. Seriously. Shame on you.

Intimate partner violence against men is not a joke. It's not a case of lacking balls. People can be very strong, emotionally and physically, and still be trapped in violent relationships.

This is a good website for info: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/domestic-violence-against-men/MY00557 You might try calling a hotline and explaining your situation and ask for advice.