I feel shallow for this question but....

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kk0223
kk0223 Posts: 179
in Chit-Chat
If a person is falling for another person and it feels like the friendship could possibly turn into more but you feel like the person you're falling for has nothing to offer, how do you handle that?

He's sweet, loving, attractive and all of the above. Takes care of his mom. She lives with him. He's only 28 and I'm 25. Has a crappy job without the intent of changing that and doesn't make very good money at all but he is happy in that situation.

I am beginning to love him. I know he likes me. I'm scared of falling for somoene that his Mom lives with him and doesn't care about making decent money to take care of self or girlfriend/wife one day.

I have goals and plans. I want to move out of town in a couple years and buy a condo and go to cosmetology school. How am I suppose to be with someone that is content sitting at home all of the time and not bettering himself financially, especially in this world today.

I guess what I'm trying to say is we have different goals in life but we like each other. How do you handle that or do you??
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Replies

  • RobinLoren
    RobinLoren Posts: 34
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    I don't think you are shallow, this is a very valid feeling. A relationship can not only be based off of attraction. If you really like him, try going out with him for a little while and see how it feels. If you really start connecting, maybe it will wake him up to wanting to better himself to be with you. If after a while you find that he is still the same and you cannot deal with it, then it may be time to part. You are not planning on moving tomorrow so I don't see anything wrong with just trying it out. He is content with where he is now but, in my experience, he may change his mind if you really have something together.
    Also, the major thing I can stress is communication! Talk to him about this stuff! It is the key to resolving differences,
  • silvergurl518
    silvergurl518 Posts: 4,123 Member
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    hi there! thanks for your honesty....and it's not shallow at all. this is your life.

    i'm going to play devil's advocate and offer up my experience. i dated a wonderful guy for a few months--felt like almost a year though, because we spent nearly every day together. i have a good paying job, live on my own, and have been sober over 4 years. he was still in his first year of sobriety, living in a group house, with a minimum wage job and wouldn't drive for another 2 years. i didn't care because i thought he was AMAZING. and he was. and is. however, i realized he wasn't the right guy for me (all those other factors notwithstanding) and then the "little" things such as his life factors started to become bigger things. and i realized that he is on one journey and i'm on another. i wish him the best and i still miss him sometimes but our paths were only meant to cross for a short while. you have to really ask yourself some honest questions. would you be happy with him no matter what, or would you start resenting him for "holding you back"? sometimes the only answer is experience. i wish you luck, since i know this is a toughie. i wrestled with a very similar situation, as you can tell, and in the end decided i would be better off on my own.

    xoxoxo
  • Carl01
    Carl01 Posts: 9,370 Member
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    I suspect you know the answer to this and are hoping someone will tell you different or just "follow your heart and it will work".
    Sadly that is probably not the case and unless he is willing to do the things needed to make a life long relationship work it will be likely nothing but heart ache for you.

    Sorry. :flowerforyou:
  • dissonancesquared
    dissonancesquared Posts: 17
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    on the one hand i am tempted to say that if you love him all that other stuff shouldn't matter... but of course thats not true. you guys would probably have a great time at first, and then as your divergent goals began to take on more importance in your lives, you would have to deal with that conflict. i wouldn't go into the relationship planning on being able to change him, but if you think you might eventually be able to accept his more laid back attitude and that he might be able to help support you to reach your goals then it would probably be worth a shot...
  • SeaSiren1
    SeaSiren1 Posts: 242 Member
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    I suspect you know the answer to this and are hoping someone will tell you different or just "follow your heart and it will work".
    Sadly that is probably not the case and unless he is willing to do the things needed to make a life long relationship work it will be likely nothing but heart ache for you.

    Sorry. :flowerforyou:

    this
  • CurlyQTee
    CurlyQTee Posts: 62
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    You can't help who your heart falls for. I would say don't act on anything for a long, long time. Your heart may change or may not. The things that are important to you now will be even more important later. I have kept a list of men I thought I would have dated along my path and they all turned out to be DB's. The one I said I would not ever be with. I married. LOL I've been with him for 20 now.
  • Sublimely_Self_Righteousreused
    Sublimely_Self_Righteousreused Posts: 935 Member
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    Well hmm. He's a genuinely nice guy but doesn't make much money but is happy doing what he is doing, perhaps he loves doing what he's doing. His mom lives with him so he can take care of her, not he living with his mom to be supported.

    You should just forget him and find someone who is miserable doing what they are doing, making a lot of money, and puts their mom in a home to take care of her :flowerforyou:
  • RicSnyder
    RicSnyder Posts: 129 Member
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    Having similar values is one of the most important parts of making a relationship work. Move on before it gets harder to do so.
  • lakersfan4life
    lakersfan4life Posts: 322 Member
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    my advice would be to knock it out a few times and move on
  • cobracars
    cobracars Posts: 949 Member
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    Why is it a 'crappy job' but yet he is happy?

    To him it may be an ideal job, but not your cup of tea. Why does he have to conform to your ideas of the best way for him to live his life? Many people in need of care would consider him a saint for taking care of his mother instead of shipping her off to a nursing home while he chases the ideal job and lifestyle.

    Accept him for who he is, support him if he wants to change, leave him alone if you can't accept it.
  • laneybird
    laneybird Posts: 532 Member
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    You aren't shallow at all for asking. I think you really know the answer to your question. If you think he is "the one" then I say go for it. If he is content with his life, then he isn't going to change. I am the type that thinks I can change the person if they only saw what a good relationship was and how good it felt to be loved, that they would want to do better for themselves. But, that has yet to work. Usually you just take a few years of your life being held back. Follow your heart AND your head :)
    Best of luck in your decision!
  • thor1god1of1awesome
    thor1god1of1awesome Posts: 481 Member
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    I suspect you know the answer to this and are hoping someone will tell you different or just "follow your heart and it will work".
    Sadly that is probably not the case and unless he is willing to do the things needed to make a life long relationship work it will be likely nothing but heart ache for you.

    Sorry. :flowerforyou:
    I was going to say this but carl put it in better words.
  • Sh1tsRainbows
    Sh1tsRainbows Posts: 1,227 Member
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    Well hmm. He's a genuinely nice guy but doesn't make much money but is happy doing what he is doing, perhaps he loves doing what he's doing. His mom lives with him so he can take care of her, not he living with his mom to be supported.

    You should just forget him and find someone who is miserable doing what they are doing, making a lot of money, and puts their mom in a home to take care of her :flowerforyou:

    ^THIS
  • skinnywithin
    skinnywithin Posts: 1,392 Member
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    YOU ARE YOUNG..DO NOT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • oberon0124
    oberon0124 Posts: 10,527 Member
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    You have plans and asperations for your life, he has none. Different paths different lifes. The key word here is different. His goals in life and passion for it are DIFFERENT than yours!!!!!!

    Nuff said, move on my friend!!!
  • moodymarble
    moodymarble Posts: 182 Member
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    YOU ARE YOUNG..DO NOT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



    Definitely ^^this^^
  • bflicker11
    bflicker11 Posts: 296
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    I suspect you know the answer to this and are hoping someone will tell you different or just "follow your heart and it will work".
    Sadly that is probably not the case and unless he is willing to do the things needed to make a life long relationship work it will be likely nothing but heart ache for you.

    Sorry. :flowerforyou:

    THIS
  • Hambone23
    Hambone23 Posts: 486 Member
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    Ask yourself this: If you give up your goals and aspirations, will you regret it? If you will, you'll end up resenting him.
  • CaptainGordo
    CaptainGordo Posts: 4,437 Member
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    FOLLOW THE MONEY, SISTA!
  • goldfinger88
    goldfinger88 Posts: 686 Member
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    You don't sound like you love him. It's not likely you'll be happy with this type of person. Wait awhile and find the person who more closely fits your needs. You'll never but never find a perfect person. But you'll probably find someone you can love and enjoy being with and be proud of. You can't be proud of this guy no matter how good he may be. Let someone else love him. He deserves someone who can love him just as he is.

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