hi guys can I vent and get your advice? LENGTH warning

LuckyLeprechaun

kiddo situation: he is my stepson, 17years old. very good kid, very respectful, excellent grades, trustworthy. a little spoiled (monetarily) by (absentee)Mom, and a little bit of entitlement. (I want it, so I deserve it) impressed by material things (courtesy of Mom the gold-digger)

DH: recently found a job after 14 mos of unemployment (he was in the mortgage industry). great guy, a bit "tra-la-la" about finances. because of his influences, we tend to live beyond our means, which really put us in a HUGE hole while he was unemployed. he found his new job in November, and we have been struggling to dig our way out (cars almost got repo'd, several payday loans still outstanding, we owe my parents thousands, etc.)

cut to now: we have caught up on the cars and most of the utilities, but still have payday loans that are hanging over us, we are kinda better but by no means are we "out of the hole" kiddo doesn't have details, but definitely knows things are tight.

Monday, kiddo comes home with a piece of paper and drops it in Dad's lap. it is a form from the school saying that all attendees of the junior prom need to consent to a possible breathalyzer, etc. that's how he brings up the subject. doesn't ask "hey I'd like to go to the prom", just brings this paper and wants Dad to sign it.
upon further questioning, turns out that he has already accepted an invitation from a girl (who we have never heard of) to go, and his basic attitude is assuming that 1. of course he can go, and 2. of course we will pay for it.

prom tickets are $95 each, he (of course) has agreed to go in on a limo ($50), he needs to rent a tux ($50), he needs to buy her flowers ($25?), and oh yeah by the way there is an after party at some kid's house we have never met nor heard of, where all the kids, boys and girls, will be staying the night. (supposedly girls upstairs and boys downstairs (YA ).

I'm pretty frustrated at this. I am irritated & insulted that he didn't ask, he just assumed. So I tell this to DH. I say "I'd like to discuss this with you before we talk to kiddo." He says of course. He goes to bed early every night so we don't get a chance to talk that night. the next night, DH comes home feeling bad, had a rough day, tired, etc, so I don't bring it up, b/c I know a productive conversation will not be had while he is feeling rotten. the following night (tonight), kiddo brings it up again to DH, who proceeds to tell him that of course he can go, we just need to meet the other parents (the after-party house parents). I am in the other room and I get super insulted that now he is just going right ahead and blessing this whole thing while we never have discussed it.

My entire plan for the discussion we were supposed to have was based on one concept: yeah, he should go, but it is inappropriate for him to assume that we will pay for all of this. since he is about to get a license anyway, and increase the car insurance, we should (just like we did with his older bro) tell him it is time to get a job and start contributing to these luxuries he wants to enjoy. learn that you need to earn the things you want in this world. not as a punishment, but it's time to learn these things about life: just cause you wan t something, doesn't mean you get it, unless you earn it. wanting something doesn't obligate anybody else to provide it for you.

Now that DH has already told him he can go, if I bring up that he needs to get a job, I am suddenly the wicked stepmother and his dad is the hero.


GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR:explode: :grumble: :mad:


Please tell me: am I nuts? What should I do? I don't take frustration easily, as you all know I cannot keep my mouth shut.

I appreciate any feedback, and thanks for reading this novel:happy:

LuckyLeprechaun

kiddo situation: he is my stepson, 17years old. very good kid, very respectful, excellent grades, trustworthy. a little spoiled (monetarily) by (absentee)Mom, and a little bit of entitlement. (I want it, so I deserve it) impressed by material things (courtesy of Mom the gold-digger)

DH: recently found a job after 14 mos of unemployment (he was in the mortgage industry). great guy, a bit "tra-la-la" about finances. because of his influences, we tend to live beyond our means, which really put us in a HUGE hole while he was unemployed. he found his new job in November, and we have been struggling to dig our way out (cars almost got repo'd, several payday loans still outstanding, we owe my parents thousands, etc.)

cut to now: we have caught up on the cars and most of the utilities, but still have payday loans that are hanging over us, we are kinda better but by no means are we "out of the hole" kiddo doesn't have details, but definitely knows things are tight.

Monday, kiddo comes home with a piece of paper and drops it in Dad's lap. it is a form from the school saying that all attendees of the junior prom need to consent to a possible breathalyzer, etc. that's how he brings up the subject. doesn't ask "hey I'd like to go to the prom", just brings this paper and wants Dad to sign it.
upon further questioning, turns out that he has already accepted an invitation from a girl (who we have never heard of) to go, and his basic attitude is assuming that 1. of course he can go, and 2. of course we will pay for it.

prom tickets are $95 each, he (of course) has agreed to go in on a limo ($50), he needs to rent a tux ($50), he needs to buy her flowers ($25?), and oh yeah by the way there is an after party at some kid's house we have never met nor heard of, where all the kids, boys and girls, will be staying the night. (supposedly girls upstairs and boys downstairs (YA ).

I'm pretty frustrated at this. I am irritated & insulted that he didn't ask, he just assumed. So I tell this to DH. I say "I'd like to discuss this with you before we talk to kiddo." He says of course. He goes to bed early every night so we don't get a chance to talk that night. the next night, DH comes home feeling bad, had a rough day, tired, etc, so I don't bring it up, b/c I know a productive conversation will not be had while he is feeling rotten. the following night (tonight), kiddo brings it up again to DH, who proceeds to tell him that of course he can go, we just need to meet the other parents (the after-party house parents). I am in the other room and I get super insulted that now he is just going right ahead and blessing this whole thing while we never have discussed it.

My entire plan for the discussion we were supposed to have was based on one concept: yeah, he should go, but it is inappropriate for him to assume that we will pay for all of this. since he is about to get a license anyway, and increase the car insurance, we should (just like we did with his older bro) tell him it is time to get a job and start contributing to these luxuries he wants to enjoy. learn that you need to earn the things you want in this world. not as a punishment, but it's time to learn these things about life: just cause you wan t something, doesn't mean you get it, unless you earn it. wanting something doesn't obligate anybody else to provide it for you.

Now that DH has already told him he can go, if I bring up that he needs to get a job, I am suddenly the wicked stepmother and his dad is the hero.


GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR:explode: :grumble: :mad:


Please tell me: am I nuts? What should I do? I don't take frustration easily, as you all know I cannot keep my mouth shut.

I appreciate any feedback, and thanks for reading this novel:happy:

Iceprincessk25

Is he a senior or a junior? If he's a senior then I think that he should ABSOLUTELY go.

I teach high school and I have a new respect for teachers and parents a like since all I have are 90 17-18 year olds and no kids of my own.

I remember just assuming things were going to happen in high school and prom is just one of those life rights of a teen.

Of course we want our kids to be respectful and know that money doesn't grow on trees, etc. but they just don't have that mentality and won't have it for a while.

LuckyLeprechaun

he's a junior. i think he should go too, I just don't like the way he went about it. and the "after-party" really sticks in my craw.

LuckyLeprechaun

Of course we want our kids to be respectful and know that money doesn't grow on trees, etc. but they just don't have that mentality and won't have it for a while.

this is the part I am agonizing over. isn't it my job to teach him this stuff? my parents made me earn things, and I learned important lessons from that experience. we did the same with big bro, and he is extremely financially sound, completely independent, taking care of himself (he is 20) and has since the day he moved to college.

Iceprincessk25

Hmmmm, a junior.......and with some random girl......probably would've said no unless he found some way to work off some of the money by doing extra chores around the house etc.

Perhaps that is something that you can suggest. Yes, we said that you can go but you're getting to the age where you are able to learn some financial responsibiltiy now. (???)

I refuse to believe I was that bad when I was in high school but I'm pretty sure my mom would tell you something different. :noway:

wilted6orchid

You know, what I got from this...is mostly that his Dad is not being firm enough. Especially if you're the Step-Mom. I think that's also what really bothered you is that he said yes before ya'll got to discuss the whole thing. Sons, in particular, and especially at that age should really be playing by Dad's rules and not fighting things out with Step-Mom. And no, I don't think going to Prom is a right at all. It's a privilege. And if it's going to cost more than you as the parents can afford than it's Dad's responsibility to teach his son to work for what he wants. I'd tell that Daddy to step up. Putting yourself in the whole for the Prom is not going to prepare that young man for his own independant future at all.

lulubar

Having raised two (one just graduated last year, the other 4 years ago) I can tell you your kiddo is absolutely no different than any other teen when it comes to having expectations. If Dad lives beyond his means and sets the example - there can really be no expectation that the son would have a clue that he shouldn't just get what he wants - afterall, that's what dad does (even when unemployed, according to you.)

I would never have assumed my kids wouldn't go to prom. I always assumed they would definately go to prom - and every other school function, dance, ballgame, whatever. And as a parent I wanted to make every activity as enjoyable and memorable for them as possible.

I can certainly understand your frustration over hubby not talking to you about it before hand~ but I think your frustration shouldn't be toward the kid - he only knows what he is taught - the frustration should be with hubby. The real problem is money management and not that the kid wants to go to prom. And hey, please know I am only speaking from experience here - I am NOT judging you or hubby! But I know too, that my kids were both required to start working during the summer between Jr. and Sr. year and that 10% of their pay went into an account that helped pay for activities like sr. trip, prom, graduation, etc. and we paid part too.

For what it's worth - that's my two cents. Good luck ~ I feel for ya~

wilted6orchid

Hmmmm, a junior.......and with some random girl......probably would've said no unless he found some way to work off some of the money by doing extra chores around the house etc.

Perhaps that is something that you can suggest. Yes, we said that you can go but you're getting to the age where you are able to learn some financial responsibiltiy now. (???)

I refuse to believe I was that bad when I was in high school but I'm pretty sure my mom would tell you something different. :noway:

If the parents can't afford it...if it's a financial strain, then chores around the house won't cut it. I would have him find odd jobs for the neighbors. Shoveling snow, mowing lawns...that type of thing.

Iceprincessk25

I would never have assumed my kids wouldn't go to prom. I always assumed they would definately go to prom - and every other school function, dance, ballgame, whatever. And as a parent I wanted to make every activity as enjoyable and memorable for them as possible.

I can certainly understand your frustration over hubby not talking to you about it before hand~ but I think your frustration shouldn't be toward the kid - he only knows what he is taught - the frustration should be with hubby. The real problem is money management and not that the kid wants to go to prom. And hey, please know I am only speaking from experience here - I am NOT judging you or hubby! But I know too, that my kids were both required to start working during the summer between Jr. and Sr. year and that 10% of their pay went into an account that helped pay for activities like sr. trip, prom, graduation, etc. and we paid part too.

For what it's worth - that's my two cents. Good luck ~ I feel for ya~

Totally agree with you!

Robin_

Pick your battles carefully...kiddo will be on his own soon, and you will be glad if he still finds you likeable! Just consider the $$$ spent an investment towards kiddo's independence! Your almost there! Hang in there!:flowerforyou:

LuckyLeprechaun

wilted, you hit on it just right-

I DO think he should go, I just felt disrespected that he kind of "told" us instead of "asked" us. I know it's a minor thing, but to me, it is not showing the respect that parents have the decision making authority, not the kids. My parents ALWAYS expected stuff like this to come in the form of a request.

I just wanted to have the "kiddo needs a job" discussion with hubby first, so it could then come from him. I've learned over time that if it comes out of dad's mouth it is easier for kiddo to handle than if I say the exact same thing. I get that, it's part of the territory as step-parent.

I am frustrated at the whole thing, both at DH and at kiddo. But now I feel trapped like if I say anything I get cast as the bad guy.

I hope you guys aren't getting the wrong idea of DH. He likes nice things, and doesn't like to settle for less than he can afford. (god that sounds like he is a snob- he's not)That was fine while he was pulling in 6 figures. When the bubble popped, we didn't change our lifestyle much, in part b/c if we moved to another cheaper city, kiddo has to change schools. and we never expected the job search to take as long as it did. we always figured we would find a way to pull through. And we did, it just took a big bite out of our financial stability. Junior knows this, he had to request a scholarship in order to keep playing football, and all his friends have letterman jackets while he is still waiting. So I guess I think this super smart kid should've known that committing to a multiple hundred cost event should be discussed first.

Am I off base with that? Am I placing unrealistic expectations on this teenager? I's possible. Tell me what you guys think-

angelinaz

So glad you can get it all out of you. I bet the old me would have eaten it "away", only to make the situation and how I feel worse. I am happy your stepson gets to go to the prom. I think that proms are one of "America's" traditions that we can hand our kids! I remember back to my prom. I didn't get to sleep over anyone's house, that's 4shure!!!!! Yet, I had lots of fun!
So, you and hubby didn't get to discuss who does what to pay for prom ahead of time. And if he gets to spend the night, etc. Too late for this one except making sure, if he spends the night that supervision is in place, etc. I would just let it all go. Know when to pick your battles. After it all through, it would be nice for you and hubby to sit down with your son and ask him what he could see doing now that he will be driving, having responsibility with the car, etc. Seems like driving and getting a part-time job go hand in hand. Does he have special interests (cars?maybe? a valet? a car washer on a car lot? mechanic helper? animals? a vet clean-up person, a dog groomer's assistant? likes money and accounting? a clerk in a store? etc). A first job can really help him design his future! Ask him lots of questions and watch him get excited about what he can do. In this way, you are once again the loving stepmother and the supportive wife....

It is easy to look at how much we don't have. I am focusing on the 1/2 full instead of empty. I am the sole provider for my family and my work has been 1/10 of what it was last year. Prom is expensive yet in the grand scheme of things, everything will work out. You all have him for such a short period of time before he is out on his own. Enjoy him. Celebrate him. Celebrate him and this girl going to prom. At least he won't be one of the kids wishing he would be going and having no one to go with...loving you!

LuckyLeprechaun

Thanks angelinaz- I will think long on your encouraging words-

it is true, the old me would've eaten this frustration away too! I'm glad my first thought was to come talk to you guys-


Thanks:flowerforyou:

cloverluv

I can't say I understand completely your position...I am only 27 so no older kiddos. Yet I do remember my dad giving me whatever I wanted especially when my parents got divorced (age 16). Then I moved in with my mom at age 17 and the first thing she told me was that if I wanted anything I had to ask and I had to put in half otherwise I could do without. At the time I thought my mom was being the biggest b***** but I woulsn't have made it at all without that push. It's easy to play off each parent.


Maybe he just needs that extra push so to say.

lulubar

aw - angelinaz has a great answer!

And lucky - I don't think you are off base with what you expect of said kiddo - what I do know is this: they (especially the boy ones) have to be told again and again and again and again just what our expectations are - VERY short term memory in those teenage male genes!! Or at least in my boy. And the thing is that those expectations change frequently during highschool especially - every year brings more challenge, more opportunity, more responsiblity - that's why it's called maturing.

I'm with the others here on picking your battle - Just use this opportunity to talk to hubby and the two of you come to an agreement on how kiddo should handle future "requests" and then teach the kid what he needs to do. I'll bet hubby and kid will be ameniable if you wait til you're not mad and approach it as a teachable moment.
:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

Iceprincessk25

Respecting parents/adults usually doesn't go with being a teen. It's not cool! DUH!

LuckyLeprechaun

Thanks you guys.

I feel less angry after talking it all out with you.

I'm still not peachy about all of it, but less combustible, you could say.

And I didn't go stuff myself, which is an amazing wonderful thing.

I am so glad to have this resource- My mom is super great but she is SO much on my side sometimes she just fuels my fire, stirs me up even further.

I'm gonna go sleep on it, and think about all you guys have said-:flowerforyou:

Nighty-Night!

sassiebritches

Hmmmm, a junior.......and with some random girl......probably would've said no unless he found some way to work off some of the money by doing extra chores around the house etc.

Perhaps that is something that you can suggest. Yes, we said that you can go but you're getting to the age where you are able to learn some financial responsibiltiy now. (???)

I refuse to believe I was that bad when I was in high school but I'm pretty sure my mom would tell you something different. :noway:

If the parents can't afford it...if it's a financial strain, then chores around the house won't cut it. I would have him find odd jobs for the neighbors. Shoveling snow, mowing lawns...that type of thing.

I with you here.....I grew up a very poor kid, and if I wanted to go I had to figure out a way to earn the cash to go.....wash cars, keep horses...whatever I could to earn the cash. My mom would do her best to match what I earned to go, often times I met with a girlfriend and wore a dress she wore to homecoming last year for mine this year rather then buying a new dress. I would never have assumed that my strapped for cash parent would pay for it and never even asked beyond "Mom I would like to go, if I can earn the $ may I go?"

My opinion, he sounds spoiled.....kids who act this way bother me.....my mother died when I was 15, leaving me orphaned to family members...talk about learning the hard way. I would tell him he needs to get a job to help pay his way. You and his dad will pay for the ticket but it is up to him to rent his tux, buy her flower, pay the limo and any extras he would like....pics, dinner...etc. He needs to learn to be a man....my fiance was a farm boy.....he was earning his keep at 11...many of the problems I see with teens these days....having it too easy.

And also, I wouldn't worry about being the wicked step mom, he will get over that. Be strong, gotta teach him to be a man....being spoiled won't do that.


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mnichol

:noway: I hate to tell you but this is only the beginning. Living with somone else's kids is very tough. I've got a lot of experience with this. At this age the best thing to do is let it go. lf the boy was 25 and was still receiving a lot of money from day you'd have a reason to get irked about it, but for this trust me let it go.

Fitness_Chick

Hmmmm, a junior.......and with some random girl......probably would've said no unless he found some way to work off some of the money by doing extra chores around the house etc.

Perhaps that is something that you can suggest. Yes, we said that you can go but you're getting to the age where you are able to learn some financial responsibiltiy now. (???)

I refuse to believe I was that bad when I was in high school but I'm pretty sure my mom would tell you something different. :noway:

If the parents can't afford it...if it's a financial strain, then chores around the house won't cut it. I would have him find odd jobs for the neighbors. Shoveling snow, mowing lawns...that type of thing.

I with you here.....I grew up a very poor kid, and if I wanted to go I had to figure out a way to earn the cash to go.....wash cars, keep horses...whatever I could to earn the cash. My mom would do her best to match what I earned to go, often times I met with a girlfriend and wore a dress she wore to homecoming last year for mine this year rather then buying a new dress. I would never have assumed that my strapped for cash parent would pay for it and never even asked beyond "Mom I would like to go, if I can earn the $ may I go?"

My opinion, he sounds spoiled.....kids who act this way bother me.....my mother died when I was 15, leaving me orphaned to family members...talk about learning the hard way. I would tell him he needs to get a job to help pay his way. You and his dad will pay for the ticket but it is up to him to rent his tux, buy her flower, pay the limo and any extras he would like....pics, dinner...etc. He needs to learn to be a man....my fiance was a farm boy.....he was earning his keep at 11...many of the problems I see with teens these days....having it too easy.

And also, I wouldn't worry about being the wicked step mom, he will get over that. Be strong, gotta teach him to be a man....being spoiled won't do that.


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What a great response Britches!:drinker: I'm so sorry your Momma died so early, I can only imagine how difficult that must have been for you Hon.:brokenheart: :flowerforyou: I lost my Mum to Breast Cancer just days before I turned 25 and that was far to early to lose her.:brokenheart:

You've grown up to be a beautiful woman with such a kind heart with a good head on your shoulders ..your Momma did good while she was with you Hon:flowerforyou:

FC

Fitness_Chick

Lucky,
Whatever you and your Hubby decide to do I wish you the best and will be thinking about you Hon:flowerforyou: I'm sorry you got caught in the middle that's a tough spot to be in.:ohwell:

FC

singfree

Don't get me started! The younger generation has a sense of entitlement and it is perpetuated and reinforced by what they see on TV. In today's society, everyone has their hand out, looking for a freebie. Being a stepmom, you are in a no-win situation. I agree that he should wake up and get a job to learn the meaning of a dollar. Dad needs to stop being a "best friend" and start making tough decisions as his father. Husbands and wifes need to be united in the raising of their children. Sorry for the rant!

SHBoss1673

Well, LL. I have no children, so you can imagine I don't have the experience to deal with a teen; BUT, I can tell you this, when I was 14 (far too long ago) my dad told me "You want a car, you want tapes (back when tapes were popular, and CD's were sci-fi), you want those "cool" air jordan sneakers? You get yourself a job. Cuz my job isn't to be your friend, it's to feed you, give you a place to live, keep you out of trouble, and make sure you know the difference between right and wrong!" I didn't particularly enjoy that conversation, but you know he was absolutely right.

And I DID get a job, and I DID pay for most of my own stuff, and I was proud of that stuff (even though my car was a crappy Chevy Malibu classic circa 1979! We called it the PIG.). I know now how hard it was my parents, even if I didn't realize it then. And I appreciate them more for it now.

So I think first, your husband was wrong, not only telling him to go without talking to you, but in telling you that you would discuss it, and not doing so. Being tired and grumpy is no excuse. We're ALL tired and grumpy when we get out of a long day at work. I think your beef is valid, and I think you should revisit it with him, and maybe set some more strict ground rules for the boy. He'll get over it, we all did!

Just my humble opinion.

-Banks

Carl01

No kids either and also grew up poor here on the farm having very little of the expensive and "cool" things most of the other kids had.
It sort of sounds like what`s done is done and to revisit the issue will leave you losing no matter how it is approached.

I think it might be a good educational moment though to help him understand exactly what the bottom line figure is by letting him know he is expected to pay back at least a part of it.
Chores can be assigned and valued as in the real world for a person his age.
In other words,mowing the lawn is x/per hour minus the normal withholding that would occur.
That way he can grasp that 50.00 equals a set number of hours contributing something to society.