Am I jealous or is she?

rickyd88

Over the past few years I've piled on the weight and since joining MFP 2 months ago I've managed to lose 21lbs. I made a point of letting everyone know about my 'diet' and how I was doing it (not exactly a diet, but more watching what I was eating and how much). I told everyone this because I wanted them to understand why I'd refuse to eat dinner with them, why I couldn't have extra helpings of food etc and also for them to support me in doing it.

My mother has always been large, ever since I could remember. She eats junk all day, sits around doing nothing and despite me trying to help her make sensible choices (as shes always moaning about her weight and swollen feet) she continues on a downward spiral. Anyway, she's going into hospital for a gastric band on Thursday and since she got her operation date and it was all confirmed she's been very nitpicky over what I'M eating.

As an example, I ate a biscuit with my cup of tea and she sarcastically said 'you can't even have that in your DIET' can you!'. I replied that I could eat whatever I liked as long as it fitted in with my MFP targets. Every thing that I eat that isn't a celery stick she's got something to say. I feel like being a right b**** and telling her she's the last person to be telling me about whats healthy and the only reason she will be thin is because she was too lazy to lose the weight herself and had to resort to surgery. I know thats a horrible thing to say but I'm dreading her losing all the weight in a way, because I know this is only the start of her patronising me about my eating and my size. To begin with, I was SO happy that she'd finally lose the weight, gain some confidence and start taking more care of herself but now I'm worried about how she's going to treat me.

Is she jealous that I'm losing weight the sensible way and she can't? Am I jealous that for once in our lives she will be thinner than me? I so desperately want to be happy for her but she's becoming horrible to me about it and making me feel like rubbish. I feel like she's been lazy and unhealthy her whole life and now she's getting a nice present because of it and she's taking the easy way out.

hsh0927

I don't think you sound jealous at all! You sad angry, just as I would. You have every right to be mad at her and, if I were you, I'd tell her so. I know it's your mom and all but if she's making you feel bad about what you eat, maybe she needs a reminder that she isn't working towards her goals like you are. She's taking the easy way out instead of working off the weight that SHE pilied on.
I hate gastric bands anyway and can't believe their really an option for people so, I suppose, I'm a tad biased on the subject anway.

Hope things get better for you!

chic_mama_25

Your mum probably feels ashamed that she couldn't lose weight just through diet and exercise and the fact that you *have* been able to do that probably makes her feel worse about herself, so she is taking it out on you but being b*tchy?

I would talk to her and say you are both in different situations and just say firmly that you don't think it is helpful for her to comment on your diet. If you tell her it is upsetting you and reassure her that you are totally supportive of her operation and don't look down on her because of it, she might come round.

Hope that helps x

LolaGotThin

I don't know what's motivating her but you will be able to indulge if or when the desire strikes you. She will not. My stepfather had gastric bypass and if he eats sweets or too much, he is in agony as he is unable to vomit. (Poor guy, he's so nice!)
I just feel that by doing it your way (OUR way!) you get to keep that pleasure in eating! And wow, 21 pounds? That's amazing. Don't let her get you down. I think in the end you'll be happier and more satisfied. You will have worked really hard to get to where you are and where you will be!

maryjay51

misery loves company and sounds like your mom wants some company .. i am the only one who eats healthy in my world but i really dont have those problems. for me its hard to see my very overweight friends live in the world i once lived in because i know the pain they are going through. your mom sounds like she is just sitting there waiting to bring you back to her side . dont do it. continue to be on the right track and vow never to be that miserable again

alishuman

I'm sorry - that's rough to deal with. You're doing an amazing thing, a hard thing, and you should be supported. I guess it's good you have MFP!

I don't know her or you, so I can't say whether I think her actions are motivated by jealousy or not... But a few things to remind yourself:

You said she can't lose weight sensibly - She can. She chooses not to. Don't let her destructive choices make you feel responsible.

Second: While gastric bypass may seem like the easy way out - it really isn't. There is considerable risk during the surgery. And afterwards, there can be complications. Not to mention, if you eat the wrong food, you vomit. You eat an ounce too much, you vomit. And I'm not sure where you are from, but where I live, generally before surgery, there is counseling and nutrition classes you have to take before the surgery is gone through with. Also - I know several people who have had gastric bypass that didn't change their lifestyle. And guess what? They have started gaining the weight back. Gastric bypass isn't foolproof. You have to be committed to a lifestyle change.

I'll be sending positive thoughts your way, while you deal with this. Just hold your head high, know that you are doing the best that you can, and that there are lots of people cheering you, on here!

JazzBar9363

I'm so sorry your mom is being like that to you. Trying to lose weight is HARD and if you don't have the support from the one person who should be supporting you, your mom, then it makes it twice as hard! I don't think you are jealous of her at all. I think you are just tired, and disappointed. Having the surgery does not mean she will be skinny. I have heard of plenty of people who have had that done and because of their habits, they don't really lose. Having the surgery doesn't automatically make them skinny. They still need to work for it.

You're doing awesome! Losing 21 pounds in two months is fantastic! Keep it up, and try to stop worrying about what other people think. You are doing this for you and no one else! You are doing it the right way! Good for you!

grrrlface

Hope things sort out for you because it sounds a horrible situation to be in.

You should be proud of yourself for doing MFP and changing your lifestyle to make yourself healthier.

If I were you I would say something. My mum and my boyfriend's mum have both said similar things about what food I'm eating on my 'diet' that I shouldn't and often say I'm 'too thin now' even though I am still overweight. I have to turn round and say I am changing my life for the better, I'm becoming healthier and fitter while they just sit around and pick at me.
I've said before to my mum that she could spend less time criticizing me and spend that time going for a walk or something and do the same with her life.

It may seem nasty for you to say something like that but she may realise then how she is treating you and change her attitude. You show her how good MFP and your new lifestyle is working for you and it might catch on! It did with me and my mum (after a few *****y arguements!.. lol).

TimWilkinson101

Parents can be quite nasty to their offspring sadly and some seem to need to put down their children whenever they look like they will in some way better them.

Sounds (and I dont know as I'm only going by what you said), that she is jealous of you and resentful that at a time when she wants to be the center of attention for having surgery and then hopefully losing weight, you're doign the same thing without doing the cop out of surgery. So it makes her look weaker willed than you are (which she is or she'd have lost weight ages ago) and it detracts from what she thinks should be her moment.

Try to ignore her and dont take it to heart. Remember your goal and just learn from how she is treating you so you dont do the same yourself one day. Maybe ask her about how much she is looking forwards to losing the weight or get her to use MFP now (before the surgery) and compare it to how she is after the band is in place. Might make her more understanding of what you are doing.

But do not own it. Its her problem, not yours.

Di3012

Over the past few years I've piled on the weight and since joining MFP 2 months ago I've managed to lose 21lbs. I made a point of letting everyone know about my 'diet' and how I was doing it (not exactly a diet, but more watching what I was eating and how much). I told everyone this because I wanted them to understand why I'd refuse to eat dinner with them, why I couldn't have extra helpings of food etc and also for them to support me in doing it.

My mother has always been large, ever since I could remember. She eats junk all day, sits around doing nothing and despite me trying to help her make sensible choices (as shes always moaning about her weight and swollen feet) she continues on a downward spiral. Anyway, she's going into hospital for a gastric band on Thursday and since she got her operation date and it was all confirmed she's been very nitpicky over what I'M eating.

As an example, I ate a biscuit with my cup of tea and she sarcastically said 'you can't even have that in your DIET' can you!'. I replied that I could eat whatever I liked as long as it fitted in with my MFP targets. Every thing that I eat that isn't a celery stick she's got something to say. I feel like being a right b**** and telling her she's the last person to be telling me about whats healthy and the only reason she will be thin is because she was too lazy to lose the weight herself and had to resort to surgery. I know thats a horrible thing to say but I'm dreading her losing all the weight in a way, because I know this is only the start of her patronising me about my eating and my size. To begin with, I was SO happy that she'd finally lose the weight, gain some confidence and start taking more care of herself but now I'm worried about how she's going to treat me.

Is she jealous that I'm losing weight the sensible way and she can't? Am I jealous that for once in our lives she will be thinner than me? I so desperately want to be happy for her but she's becoming horrible to me about it and making me feel like rubbish. I feel like she's been lazy and unhealthy her whole life and now she's getting a nice present because of it and she's taking the easy way out.

Why should she be thinner than you? You have already lost 21lbs in two months - TWENTY ONE POUNDS!!!! That is a lot of weight and you did that, YOU!

Rather than dread what she will end up like, I would continue as you are doing, you seem to know exactly how to go about losing your weight, you've done a great job so far, why would you suddenly stop. I firmly believe you will reach your goal.

I suspect your mother is very worried about her operation actually, hence her being tetchy and picking on you. It is said that people will pick on those closest to them, in her case, that person, is you.

I got tetchy the night before I was due for my first weigh-in last Sunday lol, I dread to think how unbearable I would have been if I had been going into hospital to have a big op like your mother has to have. In fact, hubby might have ended up with no head or sommat!

I also do not think your mother will nitpick on you once she loses her own weight, she will be too busy revelling in her weightloss and most likely having more energy and doing more things and I don't mean that nastily either.

Continue as you are doing, you are doing one hell of a terrific job and don't, for one minute, let anybody tell you any different!

:flowerforyou:

TimWilkinson101

Oh and my folks have criticised my size for years. I've always been my ideal weight for my height but as they are overweight, they have called me skinny and criticised my healthy(ish ) diet while lauding my (probably) obese brother. That's their problem and not mine and I'm not going to change what I want to be and am happy being just to fit in with their ideas. Obviously its knocked my confidence, but thats something I've recently come to understand and deal with. Dont make my mistake and think your parents are right because they are older. I know I'm "older" now and I sure as hell am not always - or hardly ever - right.

rickyd88

I feel so much better now after reading all those replies. You are a great bunch of people Thanks so much.

I've never really had a good relationship with her & I feel like it's just another reason for her to have a dig at me. I know she's dealing with her own demons and probably is worried about her surgery so I'll wait until she's out of hospital and mention it to her once she's not feeling as nervous.

I'd like to think that any weightloss she has would be a bonding opportunity for us and that maybe I can take her clothes shopping and we can buy smaller clothes together.

Thanks again everyone. I really appreciate it.

hellokathy

I think she knows that you've actually "earned" it and she hasn't. It shouldn't make a difference because in the end, it's the weight you've lost that counts, but it does. I know this because I know both sides. I lost over 100 lb before I was diagnosed with diabetes. It felt good but I couldn't truly enjoy it. When people told me I looked great, I replied with something along the lines of "I didn't even do anything!". Now I've regained a lot of weight and am trying to lose it again the healthy way and I'm proud of every little pound. I'm pretty sure your mom is aware of this and seeing your success makes her a little bitter about it.

But please don't let her drag you down. Your weight loss is fantastic and you can be proud of yourself!

FatFreeLea

The problem with the diet surgery is it doesn't change a thing about her. It's a quick, easy fix. I have TWO relatives (hey, I live in a fat state. Seriously) that had it. They actually gained their weight back or made themselves sick from eating too much.

You're learning new habits. You're reprogramming yourself. You'll be able to SAY no to a food you know isn't good for you. She won't. Nothing in her thought patterns will change. She won't have the willpower and control YOU do. I think that means she is jealous of you.

;]

MaximalLife

Over the past few years I've piled on the weight and since joining MFP 2 months ago I've managed to lose 21lbs. I made a point of letting everyone know about my 'diet' and how I was doing it (not exactly a diet, but more watching what I was eating and how much). I told everyone this because I wanted them to understand why I'd refuse to eat dinner with them, why I couldn't have extra helpings of food etc and also for them to support me in doing it.

My mother has always been large, ever since I could remember. She eats junk all day, sits around doing nothing and despite me trying to help her make sensible choices (as shes always moaning about her weight and swollen feet) she continues on a downward spiral. Anyway, she's going into hospital for a gastric band on Thursday and since she got her operation date and it was all confirmed she's been very nitpicky over what I'M eating.

As an example, I ate a biscuit with my cup of tea and she sarcastically said 'you can't even have that in your DIET' can you!'. I replied that I could eat whatever I liked as long as it fitted in with my MFP targets. Every thing that I eat that isn't a celery stick she's got something to say. I feel like being a right b**** and telling her she's the last person to be telling me about whats healthy and the only reason she will be thin is because she was too lazy to lose the weight herself and had to resort to surgery. I know thats a horrible thing to say but I'm dreading her losing all the weight in a way, because I know this is only the start of her patronising me about my eating and my size. To begin with, I was SO happy that she'd finally lose the weight, gain some confidence and start taking more care of herself but now I'm worried about how she's going to treat me.

Is she jealous that I'm losing weight the sensible way and she can't? Am I jealous that for once in our lives she will be thinner than me? I so desperately want to be happy for her but she's becoming horrible to me about it and making me feel like rubbish. I feel like she's been lazy and unhealthy her whole life and now she's getting a nice present because of it and she's taking the easy way out.

You need to get real about the fact that your mother and probably your whole family will never be a support for you in any way.

Your mother is part of the problem - not the solution.

tammy510

I think it is wonderful you are doing it on your own, I lost my 80 lbs so far on my own and I feel wonderful. I have a daughter in law and her family has had gastric bypass and the band. They have nothing but trouble!!! And I mean serious health problems related to these surgeries. Not one of them is healthy, and when they eat certain foods that don't agree with the surgeries, they pay for it! It has also taken her father just as long to lose his 80 lbs with surgery as it did me without the surgery!!! You are doing awesome and please, be proud of yourself for doing this on your own, get in there and show your mother that you can do this, you are on the right track!

jennieh1980

Your Mum sounds like mine!!!

If she's miserable she wants me to be miserable and tries to make me feel guilty if I'm happy about anything or trying to suceed at anything. Everything is always about her

AlmstHvn

My mom was one of the last to learn I was newly committed to a healthier lifestyle for EXACTly this reason. She's really good at pushing my buttons and speaking without thinking - so I delayed giving her any ammo for as long as I could.

I let her know that I'm measuring and tracking and it will guide me in what I'm eating - no comments from the peanut gallery! Now she won't say anything at all, not even "congratulations" when it's obvious I'm doing well. *shrug. That says a lot more about her than me, right?

It's hard to slough it off - it's Mom, you know - but I reckon that's part of it - learning to block out the critics and be happy with your own progress.

sunkisses

I don't think jealousy is actually the issue. I think you said it all when you said you never had a good relationship with her. It's disappointing to accept that your relationship with her might never be good either. Don't expect unrealistic things from her. Continue to make yourself healthy, and don't forget to work out your inside as well as your outside. Most people gain the weight back because they're not dealing with the underlying issues that caused them to turn to food in the first place. Once you're in a healthier place emotionally and physically, working out these issues with other people becomes more logical, less emotionally charged, etc.

Your mom has her own issues to deal with. She became overweight for her own separate reasons. Just model the behavior you wish your mom would have with you, but don't do it with the expectation that she'll pick it up or even notice it. Just do it because it's the right thing to do. If the relationship is too toxic to you, step away for a while and come back when you think it's safer or you can handle it better. Good luck.

ratherbeskiing

lifestyle change vs. quick fix....who do you think is healthier? She might be proud of every lb lost.... but you will be proud of the extra mile you can not run... the extra 5 min on the elliptical that you could do that you could not do before.... the muscle tone that you are going to have because you are working for you.... honestly I like the NSV's more then the SV and those are something that a healthy lifestyle can give you that a quick fix can't.

be happy for both of you but this is YOUR time too... :drinker:

koko65

Its going to take your mother a while to drop the weight after she has surgery. Took one of my ex SIL’s about 6 mths to drop 80 lbs. and as others have already mentioned, her surgery will not be a quick and forever after fix either. They can and will regain the weight after its off if they do not take care of themselves better than they did prior to the surgery.

And you’ve been on your own path to eating more healthy and getting fit and have lost 21 lbs in 2 mths?! That is fabulous!!!!!

BUT I understand your concern, cause the worst and or best preachers--depending on your point of view of course, do seem to be those that are reformed sinners.

I do hope that you are your mother can find a way to come to terms so you can in the end of it all just be each others best support.