Them Vs. Us

Nos150

This is just a rant.

I know that this is not the most appropriate place to put it but I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone else.

so on Friday night husband and I got into a small fight and I went for a walk while he tended our small child (I figured that it would be better then screaming in front of Baby) so while on my walk I decided that I wanted a night to myself (I am a stay at home mom while he is only home on weekends due to work) so I do a lot of this by myself (not complaining just explaining) so anyway I head into near by city and catch a movie then come right home. And in the morning we talk it all out and everything is hunky dory. But then I get a text message from my sister who starts going off on me about how we fight so much and that it’s not healthy.

I then found out that Husband had texted Sister and my best friend (who talked to him and clamed him down) the night before because he was confused and upset and very insecure. (side note sister and I don’t get along to good) so then I get defensive because she is attaching us as a couple and not just that I went out and had some fun. A whole bunch of other stuff comes out and we have not talked sense.

Anyway about an hour later my mother phones and wants to know what is going on. So I tell her the story and get rid of her quickly as possible.

Husband and I have a long (over due) talk and things are getting better. We are working on things, and communication is a huge one. But I don’t thing that it’s the end of the world that we have to work at our marriage. And I know that there will be more fights because not everyone gets along 100% of the time. And I also know that we may be louder then some and act out a bit more but that is just because we BOTH have very explosive and pig headed personalities. Its gonna happen. But that doesn’t mean that I love my husband any less. I am happy. And I want to be with him.

So anyway over with the sappy stuff. This morning I get a phone call from my mother again and she wants to know what went on and why I am mad at Sister. I am not btw we just don’t really get along so there is not much more to say. Anyway she goes on to tell me that I am not happy. And that I should leave my husband. And she insinuating that I am a bad mother (she didn’t 'say' it) because I wanted a night to myself (she seems to think that Husband is not capable of looking after Baby)

I have always known that my Family didn’t like Husband. And with good reason he acts weird when he is with new people and frankly they scared the poo poo right out of him. Even to this day. So there has always been tension there. I thought that it would get better over time but it has been 3 years. And now everything has come to a head. I have told my mother that if tit came for tat that I would choose Husband. (Mother and I have rocky relationship too) it’s funny how they think that I don’t see what he does. I am not stupid. And normally what is why we get into fights. But once again every one thinks that I am some dumb teenager and have no idea what I am doing.

I am just so annoyed because they are not around and only hear/see the bad stuff about our relationship. But they are never going to change their minds about him. And there is always going to be tension between us and them (especially now)

Just annoyed.

Carl01

It sounds like you have pretty much reached your conclusion so I would just say be yourself,be civil and go on with life.
Keep the lines of communication open with your husband and work at that...let the rest just be for now.

vinylscratch

Life is so full of chaos and people that want us to make them happy and pull us in eighty million directions and you will NEVER win them all...

Sit from your heart and listen to yourself and act on what brings you and your baby bliss...

Envision their negativity like something yucky, like flies, and picture yourself batting them away while surrounded by a warm golden glow... that golden glow is your truth & love.. and you will NEVER go wrong when speaking with truth and love

Take a big breath and smile -- you have a beautiful family and their negativity does not belong.

Rock your goddess!

xoxo

Nos150

I just don’t think that it’s fair to be judged like that when they have no idea what they are talking about. And I don’t WANT to cut them out of mine or my Daughters life. But unfortunately we both come in a packaged deal. And they will not except half of it.

They just don’t see that the more they try and 'help' me the more it turns me off of them.

I fully expect an intervention soon so like always they can show me the errors of my life.

They even did this when we were considering buying a NEW vehicle and not a used one.

i am so sick of them telling me how wrong i live my life.

TimWilkinson101

I'm 45 and have had the same issue with my folks who seem to think I am in short trousers and that no one I end up with will be good enough for me (or them more to the point).

I recently decided that enough was enough and I stood up to their interfering and told them that they were not right and that if my fiancee isnt perfect, that is fine because - as they've pointed out to me in the past - I am not either. As a consequence they ignored my fiancee and I's birthday and Christmas.

So it appears that my parents are having a major sulk and I am not about to go grovelling back to them and say I'm sorry for their prejudices and problems. Its all part of growing up and something I should have done a long time ago.

Some parents are just control freaks I think and like us, they aint perfect. As for my brother... that waste of space is a whole different story. Suffice to say I'll not be speaking to him as long as I live.

Dont you just love families?

La_Amazona

This is your husbands fault. Why would he call YOUR sister to talk about YOUR problems??? He let them all into YOUR personal problems and now they feel this concerns them.

I'd be pissed if my SO called my sister or family or what not to vent about our problems. Actually my ex would do that quite frequently and it made me lose respect for him. I'm all about having someone to talk to about problems but keep my family out of your damn venting. Find yourself a friend, relative, whatever but don't involve my family, ESPECIALLY the women in my family! We all know how to talk and give opinions on things that don't concern us.

rossi02

I agree with the poster above.. why in the world would he reach out to your sister.. who you already have a tense relationship with? Fights need to stay between you two. Bringing outsiders into the fight, will cause them to form their own opinions of the relationship. Pretty much, he gave them ammo to use against him and you.

NiciS72

You didn't say how long you've been married? I've been with my husband for almost 15 years. We'll be married 14 years in September. That said, I've had this sort of thing happen to us. I used to tell my family everything. THEN my mother told me not once, not twice, but SEVERAL times I should divorce him. I was so hurt by this. I mean WTF I was just venting. I told my Dad about it and he set her straight and I've not heard that again. I also made the decision at that point to not tell them anything of the bad as they just use it against him/us. Funny thing was his parents used to come over to have "the talk" with him all the time as he's a mood SOB and he always thought I'd put them up to it. Ironically I never had. I had to ask them to butt out of our relationship, that they were making it worse.

I suggest that you have a frank discussion with your husband bring up not discussing these issues with family. They don't need to know your dirty laundry and clearly they are using it as a lever to pressure you into something you don't want. On the flip side, have a frank discussion with your Mother and sister telling them ALL the GOOD things about your husband and your relationship and let them know that you will NO LONGER tolerate them speaking to you or him in a negative manner and that you don't EVER want to hear the words DIVORCE or YOU SHOULD LEAVE HIM from them again.

Best of luck!

TimWilkinson101

This is your husbands fault. Why would he call YOUR sister to talk about YOUR problems??? He let them all into YOUR personal problems and now they feel this concerns them.

I'd be pissed if my SO called my sister or family or what not to vent about our problems. Actually my ex would do that quite frequently and it made me lose respect for him. I'm all about having someone to talk to about problems but keep my family out of your damn venting. Find yourself a friend, relative, whatever but don't involve my family, ESPECIALLY the women in my family! We all know how to talk and give opinions on things that don't concern us.

Good point actually, I hadnt thought of that angle. It is a bit odd that your husband rang your sister when he knew you two didnt get on.

Ephena

I think you are doing the right thing by talking to your husband and the fact that the two of your communicate and try to work thru your issues is great. It wasn't a good move on your husband's side to involve your family, especially since your family is already out for his blood. But if you guys have discussed that action then no more needs to be said about it.

I'm sorry your family can't be more supportive. I can totally relate. Any time I bring a guy around my family tells me he isn't good enough and he's not going to be able to support me and my children they way we deserve. WTF? :explode: I support me and my children, that's my job, not the job of a guy I choose to date. The most aggravating part is that my brother brings home girlfriends and my parents love them, my brother has great taste in women who will make great future daughter-in-laws and be great mothers to their future babies. He isn't serious with any of these women but I'm expected to welcome them into the family, let them into my kids' lives and hearts because they are good girls, while any guy (just friends or somebody I'm dating) I introduce my children to is bad news and I'm not being a good mom. :mad: I'm actually getting ready to move into an apartment farther away from my family so I can distance my kids from that mentality.

Good luck with your family, and keep the lines of communication open with your husband.

kennethmgreen

First of all, thank you for making this easy to read (paragraphs, capitalization, etc.) It really does make a difference, especially to those of us who are old, crotchety, or former copy editors.

In the first response here, Carl already made the most important point. Keep talking this through - with honesty, open-mindedness and willingness - with your husband. Your family will be there. Or not. But the relationship that really matters is the one with your husband, assuming you want to continue that relationship.

Everyone's family is bat guano crazy. It's just a matter of degrees. And everyone's family makes us crazy like no one else can. Do you know why our parents can push our buttons better than anyone else? Because they installed those buttons.

I suspect that if you focus too much on your energy on your family you may miss the important conversation(s) that need to happen with you husband. You are correct that it is not the end of the world that you have to work on your marriage. Anything worth having requires some effort to nurture. But make that work count. Follow through. Have the conversations that feel scary or awkward or inconvenient. Keep communicating. Focus on you and him. Work that out first and foremost. Everything else is mostly a distraction (baby excluded) to focus on because it's easier to point out how crazy our families are than it is to honestly look at ourselves and evaluate our own behavior and choices.

Let go of being annoyed. Practice acceptance and humility.

knittnponder

I suggest that you have a frank discussion with your husband bring up not discussing these issues with family. They don't need to know your dirty laundry and clearly they are using it as a lever to pressure you into something you don't want. On the flip side, have a frank discussion with your Mother and sister telling them ALL the GOOD things about your husband and your relationship and let them know that you will NO LONGER tolerate them speaking to you or him in a negative manner and that you don't EVER want to hear the words DIVORCE or YOU SHOULD LEAVE HIM from them again.

This. We've been married for more than 20 years and had to get to the point where we kept our business our business. Family doesn't get to weigh in, make comments, choose sides or even get to know what the heck is going on. Once we cut everyone else out of our business and made it a point to communicate with each other instead of venting to family or friends we were able to work through things much faster. He is my best friend and I love him more than I ever thought I could love someone...now. Now we joke that we've had a great marriage (except for that year where we just wanted to kill each other.) Fighting while you work through stuff is normal but you work through it and you end up stronger for it. I really wouldn't trade all the difficulty we've been through because working through those things has made our marriage deeper and stronger than it would have been if we'd just skated along. I know he's in it for the long haul and I know I can trust him. He's seen me at my ugliest and he still loves me and he's still here. Hang in there, when you are committed to working through it together it usually gets better after awhile.

Nos150

I did give my husband *kitten* for texting my sister (and bff) but he didn’t really mean to harm anyone/thing. He told me the reason that he texted those two was because they are the only ones that are married that are closer to our age. He now knows not to do this, but he had never been told not to before so he didn’t know. And we have had talks (yes talks) of not fighting in front of anyone anymore. But I guess that it didn’t click that this falls under that category. He has apologized to all three of us.

He also takes full blame for this uproar. I try and tell him that this one may have started because of him, but it’s not his fault what they are saying.

He didn't know that my sister and I where on the off again part of our 'on again/off again' relationship. I also had to explain that even if we where not that he still shouldn’t be talking to her.

He is one of those people that if he doesn't know what to do he asks around with out really thinking what he is asking. He is not a tattletale but he asks questions if he doesn’t understand something.

We have only been married a year in October.

kennethmgreen

I did give my husband *kitten* for texting my sister (and bff) but he didn’t really mean to harm anyone/thing. He told me the reason that he texted those two was because they are the only ones that are married that are closer to our age. He now knows not to do this, but he had never been told not to before so he didn’t know. And we have had talks (yes talks) of not fighting in front of anyone anymore. But I guess that it didn’t click that this falls under that category. He has apologized to all three of us.

He also takes full blame for this uproar. I try and tell him that this one may have started because of him, but it’s not his fault what they are saying.

He didn't know that my sister and I where on the off again part of our 'on again/off again' relationship. I also had to explain that even if we where not that he still shouldn’t be talking to her.

He is one of those people that if he doesn't know what to do he asks around with out really thinking what he is asking. He is not a tattletale but he asks questions if he doesn’t understand something.

We have only been married a year in October.

He takes responsibility for mistakes. He is willing to apologize. He asks questions when he doesn't understand something. He takes direction well.

As long as you don't walk all over him, I think you guys will be fine. Seriously, ignore your family's issues - for now, at least. They aren't going away. It sounds like you have a pretty great guy. Go talk to him more.

Nos150

I did give my husband *kitten* for texting my sister (and bff) but he didn’t really mean to harm anyone/thing. He told me the reason that he texted those two was because they are the only ones that are married that are closer to our age. He now knows not to do this, but he had never been told not to before so he didn’t know. And we have had talks (yes talks) of not fighting in front of anyone anymore. But I guess that it didn’t click that this falls under that category. He has apologized to all three of us.

He also takes full blame for this uproar. I try and tell him that this one may have started because of him, but it’s not his fault they are saying.

He didn't know that my sister and I where on the off again part of our 'on again/off again' relationship. I also had to explain that even if we where not that he still shouldn’t be talking to her.

He is one of those people that if he doesn't know what to do he asks around with out really thinking what he is asking. He is not a tattletale but he asks questions if he doesn’t understand something.

We have only been married a year in October.

He takes responsibility for mistakes. He is willing to apologize. He asks questions when he doesn't understand something. He takes direction well.

As long as you don't walk all over him, I think you guys will be fine. Seriously, ignore your family's issues - for now, at least. They aren't going away. It sounds like you have a pretty great guy. Go talk to him more.

Thank you! this made me feel much better. (and i didnt even know that i was looking to feel better!)