irrational fears?

missbethea

My whole life I've been overweight. By the end of middle school I weighed almost 200lbs. I've fluctuated my entire adult life between a size 16 and a size 22.

I've always been "The Fat Girl". That fat & sassy friend. "I'm fat and I don't care because I love myself" kind of girl. And you know- even though I'm over weight, I do love myself. I think that I am a beautiful woman and I love who I am. So starting this journey to weight loss and healthy living is hard for me.

I don't know how to separate my identity from my weight. I've been overweight for so long it's like a large part of who I am centers around my size. I almost feel like it is going to make me a hypocrite for losing weight. Last time I tried this (about 2 years ago) I started changing as a person when I was getting thinner (I got down to a size 12 which was amazing) and I realized... maybe I can't be thin without being *****y.

I quit.

And I went from a comfortable 190lbs back up to 225lbs in the last two and a half years.

I want to be healthy and fit. I want to be thinner. Yes, I do want to look great in jeans. Yes, I do want to be able to go into a department store and buy clothes without having to head to the "Women's" section. And yes- I do have a wedding to be in, where my dress is going to be custom sewn, and I want to look amazing for that entire experience. (How often do you get a tailor made dress?)

But I am afraid. I don't know if I can do this without losing touch with who I am. Last time when I got thinner I got a lot of attention from guys I didn't get before, I got lots of compliments, I was soon "the skinny one" among my friends, and suddenly that actually mattered to me, and it made me into what I felt like was a terrible person.

Right now I feel good about things. I don't want to be a stick insect. I have no intentions of trying to be a size five or a size six. I want to lose enough weight to be happy and healthy, and my goal size is a size 10 because that's about half of what I am now. (I keep saying to my friends, though, that I will be a single digit size if it kills me.)

I don't know how to be myself in a different body. How do you learn that? I mean, in high school I got picked on for being fat. As an adult I've been picked on for being fat. It's just always been there. I don't know how to function without it.

What do you do when your body becomes something totally foreign? How do you not lose touch with who you are and stay the same person?

Has anyone else ever felt this way? Or am I all alone?