HELP (step duaghter is over weight)

Workin4it

Please help me, I dont know how to bring up to my "step daughter" (my boyfriends daughter) that she needs to stop eating the way she does or she is going to be in trouble when she gets older. Right now she is 12 yrs old 5'6" and i'm guessing about 180 (pretty sure cause she is out "grown" my old clothes from I was that weight). When she is here she can get like...well her father (a grown man) not kidding she has 2-3 helpings at dinner and she makes sure and eats everything. I have started "rationing" our food by putting it away before anyone can have seconds. But I know that my bf needs to eat more so this can be hard cause he'll go back to the fridge for more and she'll just be right there with him eating along. She is somewhat active, but I am affraid that she is headed for problems. I know what you are thinking I'm over reacting, it's not my problem, why don't her parents bring this up. Well we have talked about it but I don't think that any of us want to "scar" her. It is a touchy subject and I'm not sure what we need to do.

AnninStPaul

YOU shouldn't do anything -- but keep healthy food available and limit the amount of junk/calorie dense food that you make available.

She isn't your daughter and it isn't your place to put her on a diet. Her parents need to talk with her about the implications for her health, and you should support the, but unless she asked you for help I would stay out of it.

hope25

At her age I would think rather then a conversation that may give her self esteem issues I would focus on making healthy choices for the meals she will be eating with you- up the veggies ans fruit, also maybe make a two helping limit on the meat and carbs and unlimited refills on the veggies.
Get the family up and more active. Take her grocery shopping or make it a family event and talk about making healthier choices. Are you calculating you calories on here? If you are trying to be healthier in your food choices it would be very natural to be feeding the family healthy foods.
Also think about packing her lunch for schools, cafe. lunches are not always the healthiest.

zeeeb

it's funny that we can't just say what we think straight out anymore isn't it?

but yeah, i would be eating healthy and talking about healthy choices, leading by example. going out for exercise and offering for her to come with you (walking, bike riding, jogging, whatever).

i would be pro-actively talking about healthy food in realtion to yourself and your own choices and talking pro-actively about exercise without mentioning the "F" word (fat, overweight, obese, chubby) but definitely include words like, keeping fit.

Too many people think the moment you try and talk about healthy choices and keeping fit that you will scar your child or give them an eating disorder.

but will it REALLY scar them more than being obese, never having a girl/boyfriend, never looking good in the clothes they like to wear, acne etc. etc. There has to be a balance, and the whole family should be aware of healthy choices and keeping active, fit and healthy. it's not something we should shy away from with our kids, because it's not ok to be fat, and it does scar kids, it is just as much of an eating disorder as annorexia and bulemia.

Dzuniga87

I agree- It is a touchy subject, but at that age there is no way to have that conversation without making her feel awful. My mom would always try to put me on "diets" when I was growing up and I've have food/ self image issues my whole life. If there are major health issues then her parents need to make the decision that that conversation is necessary.

In the meantime- just keep the food options in your house healthy. Don't make a big deal about it or seem like it's all about her. I think that's the reason eating healthy is so difficult, we make it a special situation instead of having it as a normal part of our lives.

melelana

I agree with the above. Let her parents deal with it, and just have healthy options available for her when she is around you. However, it all depends on your step-daughter. If she shows interest in losing weight or frustration with her current weight, by all means, offer support and advice.

If she doesn't, but you are still concerned for her health, there are ways that you can offer a healthy lifestyle without forcing it on her.

Maybe:
-find something healthy she likes and always make it available... incorporate it into dishes (For example, when I grocery shop with my boyfriend, I ask him to choose his favorite fruit. Last time he chose dried mango and we put it in a salad.)
-Offer FUN fitness activities... (Play a sport she enjoys after dinner or go shopping in a mall or outlet store to get plenty of walking in.)

Generally, if you pull her into your lifestyle, it might be too much. But if you merge things you both enjoy, it might make her more comfortable accepting your healthier habits.

sweet110

I agree with everyone else. Make your house supportive of health, nutrition, and physical activity. Suggest family walks. Do active things as a family (you may not have the power to get her from couch potato to roller-blading, but you can at least not spend whole afternoons in the house watching TV).

Because even a non-stepmother would have to tread lightly on a teenage girl's weight. As a step-mother, I don't think you can do much but to set a good example in your house.

And trust me...she knows she's fat. Naming it will not help!

zeeeb

it's funny that we can't just say what we think straight out anymore isn't it?

but yeah, i would be eating healthy and talking about healthy choices, leading by example. going out for exercise and offering for her to come with you (walking, bike riding, jogging, whatever).

i would be pro-actively talking about healthy food in realtion to yourself and your own choices and talking pro-actively about exercise without mentioning the "F" word (fat, overweight, obese, chubby) but definitely include words like, keeping fit.

Too many people think the moment you try and talk about healthy choices and keeping fit that you will scar your child or give them an eating disorder.

but will it REALLY scar them more than being obese, never having a girl/boyfriend, never looking good in the clothes they like to wear, acne etc. etc. There has to be a balance, and the whole family should be aware of healthy choices and keeping active, fit and healthy. it's not something we should shy away from with our kids, because it's not ok to be fat, and it does scar kids, it is just as much of an eating disorder as annorexia and bulemia.

Unknown

This content has been removed.

Workin4it

Well WOW is all I can say to these reply's!
First off I do not keep unhealthy foods in my house I am working to keep healthy myself and all those around me INCLUDING my son, boyfriend and step daughter. Let me make on thing clear here I am NOT and Have NEVER called her fat, but i believe she is headed in the wrong direction with the quantity of her food consumption. All I was hoping here was for some FRIENDLY advise on how to maybe if at all bring it up to her (for the benefit of all of the adults in her life). All I'm trying to do for her is help.

KenziesMomma11

Well WOW is all I can say to these reply's!
First off I do not keep unhealthy foods in my house I am working to keep healthy myself and all those around me INCLUDING my son, boyfriend and step daughter. Let me make on thing clear here I am NOT and Have NEVER called her fat, but i believe she is headed in the wrong direction with the quantity of her food consumption. All I was hoping here was for some FRIENDLY advise on how to maybe if at all bring it up to her (for the benefit of all of the adults in her life). All I'm trying to do for her is help.

I think you are wonderful for worrying about her. I think saying something to her might be tough, maybe ask her to go on walks with you after dinner, and talk to bf about your concerns.

shabounds

YOU shouldn't do anything -- but keep healthy food available and limit the amount of junk/calorie dense food that you make available.

She isn't your daughter and it isn't your place to put her on a diet. Her parents need to talk with her about the implications for her health, and you should support the, but unless she asked you for help I would stay out of it.

I COMPLETELY agree with this poster. I am married with 2 step kids, but it is NEVER my place to say somethng like that and I am MARRIED. You aren't even married to the girls father and I suspect it would harm your relationship if you were to get involved with he issue of her weight.

whoiskat23

Workin4it.... I don't think anyone said anything bad to you, just offering the advice you asked for. I didn't read any tone or any ill will towards you. I think everyone is really just thinking of your step daughter who you obviously care for.

I have an overweight 13 year old daughter (was 5'4", 190lbs) and it broke my heart to see her that way. She was very sensitive about her weight and her self esteem suffered. I get where you are coming from. But trust me, it will do more harm than good if you have that convo with her.

I did what people above me posted and kept encouraging her, telling her she was pretty and smart. This is a tough age for girls. She looks at her friends and knows. I put her in sports and once she started to see the changes in her body, she felt good and made more changes for herself. Seeing me trying, she just asked when she had questions and then I would elaborate more. Just stay supportive and encourage her on her pace.

fiberartist219

It takes a village to raise a child, and it is very sweet that you want to help. You will need her parents' cooperation though. Have you talked to them about it?

Also, I think her doctor needs to be involved. I don't know what they can or can't do, but you should have a conversation with her physician if you are authorized to do so.

I agree that packing her lunches, setting a good example and trying to be active with her are great places to start. Would she be interested in learning a sport, martial art, or dance? I absolutely hated gym class when I was a kid, but I liked learning new dances and I had a good time swimming. Try to find something active that she likes to do and see to it that she has the opportunity to do it.

She is at an age where she can start making decisions on how to care for herself. Maybe you can talk to her about nutrition. I wouldn't necessarily bring up calories, but you can talk to her about balancing fruit, veggies, meat and carbs. When I was a kid, we learned about the four food groups. Then, it was the food pyramid, and now I think it is "my plate" but regardless, using a visual aid to talk about nutrition is a great place to start.

Also, see if you can find examples of what portion sizes should look like. For example, a serving size of meat should be the same size as a deck of cards. A serving of cheese looks like a few dice. You get the idea. I wouldn't attack her and show her how much food she is eating. Just show her what a normal, healthy amount looks like and let her decide for herself if she's really hungry or just eating for fun.

You can pack her lunches until you are blue in the face, but when she gets to school there are plenty of opportunities to trade or smuggle food around without your knowledge or cooperation. She really needs to get the info to make her own decisions about how to take care of herself. Deciding what to eat should go right along with deciding to take a shower or wear deodorant.