HI! Uhm.. (awkward silence)

MissGatekeeper

So. I'm 27, and the last time I had a normal BMI was when I was 11. Or. I did at one point at age 17, but that was due to some.. issues.. (EDNOS) My first time put on a diet, I think was when I was 10.. (yup, I was healthy, but I was early developing, something my grandma couldn't accept, she saw me as getting fat when my chest and bum grew, and started monitoring my intake extremely the 6 out of 12 months I was at her place. Something I think is fair to say pretty much screwed me up. From that point, I obsessed over food, and saw myself as fat anyway. Food became a taboo, so I'd sneak an extra slize of bread, have an extra serving when people didn't look, spend my money at the kiosk on unhelthy things. Between weeks of having very few calories as a growing child, and days of binge eating, I quickly became what she feared more than anything. And I took the compulsive eating with me when I started living by myself at almost 16. But without having to be too sneaky, it soon became overeating whenever I could afford it, before turning 17 I had gained over 20 pounds. I was shocked. And I wanted to show the world I too could be thin.

I started restricting my food by buying enough rice, bread and veg to last me a month as soon as I got paid, I paid my rent, and spent the rest on CDs, DVDs and clothes, just to be sure I wouldn't HAVE money for a snack. My daily intake would be a slize of toast with unsweetened, homemade raspberry jam, and a bowl of rice with veggies. Sometimes a chicken breast or a piece of fish. I walked for hours every day, and ended the day with atleast two hours of dancing at home. Only reason I had good grades was that I used to be a fast learner and managed to do all my homework while still at school.

Then I got a boyfriend who wasn't the best of men, but good enough not to want this for me. He started making sure I ate, but at the same time, he'd make mean remarks every time I gained a little. So I went back to the emotional binge eating. I could go on, but you get the idea. My relationship with food has always been the love-hate kind. Not anymore, tho. I love it. And I am deadly afraid of starting to put food into the "bad" and "good" groups, to deny myself of things now, as every time I have done so in the past, the bad-group has just grown and grown (really, you can find something bad about almost everything if you just look hard enough). I eat everything, no restrictions there. But I found, with MFP I atleast get help with the portion control. No binges, no undereating (wich I have been for the past 6 months, while my weight's been stuck on "HEAVY"). And since I want my children to have a natural relationship with food, it helps. I relax, since all I have to do is logging. They don't se mommy tense at the table trying to find out if she can have this or not.

So. This has been an introduction.. Of sort. There's much more to me than my relationship with food, but it was this that brought me here.. If anyone want to friend me, I'd like that very much.

hollykan

I totally understand the love hate relationship with food!! Friend request sent!

Gingerlockz

I'm new here and I can relate as well. Sweets are my enemy though...

MissGatekeeper

Thank you, both of you. And yeah, Gingerlockz, sweets can be my enemies as well. But now that I have to budget for them, I find it a lot easier to at least just limit myself to one or two. (Well, not the last couple of days. With a family of three, all having the flu and really stuffed throats, icecream and whatever we like enough to find worth swallowing goes...

kimmie185

I've been overweight my whole life and understand. It's a tough journey but I know you can do it! :flowerforyou:

MissGatekeeper

Thank you cutiekimmie. Yeah, I know I can do it as well, I'm determined to do this for life now, not only to lose weight. And I'm not in it to prove anything for anyone anymore, just to be a little healthier and to hopefully eliminate some of my joint pains.