Zero Self-Esteem

Fayve

Hoping for some words of encouragement or advice... I apologize in advance if this just comes across as a giant "boo hoo, woe is me" kind of post.

For the last while, my self esteem has been non-existent. I keep wondering why that is. I know I'm not overweight (well, BMI argues with me there, but that's a non-issue), I exercise and eat healthy at least 80% of the time. Am I depressed over not losing more than a pound or two in 300 days of MFP? Hell yes I am! Is that a reason to have no self-esteem, considering I'm in the best shape of my life, no.

The fact is, I started out around a year ago and felt great! I was exercising (probably the only person in my family who was), and taking great steps towards eating better. Almost every day, my mother would express how proud she was of me. She still does! Yet even now that I do all the same things I started out doing, I don't get nearly the same amount of self-satisfaction as I would on day one.

I struggle with the same thing that most of us do on this website. I have a bad day, which escalates into a binge, making it an even worse day. Now, it doesn't matter that I have a good day or not, because it's always overshadowed by the terrible day I had before, or after. I feel like my expectations and goals have totally shifted from something healthy and motivational, into something much more unhealthy (and very lose-lose for me). I almost feel sick to my stomach when my mom tells me how proud she is now, because I never feel like I deserve to be told that.

I made a comment tonight to my boyfriend that I wished I had the self-discipline to not eat for a couple days. In my head, it seemed rational, and almost half joking, considering that I have binged almost all week. He freaked out at me, and I did realize how unhealthy that mindset was. I've never battled with any eating disorders in the past, and I wouldn't consider what I have now to be one either. That just made me realize how negative all my thoughts had become.

I don't really know what advice I'm asking for to be honest, but it just feels like no matter what I achieve, how many good days I have, it will never be enough. I remember feeling attractive and comfortable when I weighed 145, and now suddenly I feel disgusting at 138. I've also been at this long enough to realize that this is more than just a numbers game. Measurements, clothing fit, whatever - What I need is to feel happy in my own skin, and something tells me that whether I want to believe it or not, losing weight is not something that would fix the problem.

Would love to hear some feedback or advice, or stories from anyone who's had similar battles. Thanks everyone

Fayve

Bump

DulceDollie

I've felt the same way for the past few months, for a number of reasons. I myself am at my heaviest weight and I'm sure that contributes to how I feel about myself. I found that I didn't care about myself at all. I don't take pride in my appearance, and talked to myself negatively all day. I've had to give a lot of thought into the matter, it's a difficult subject. I've been at the worst low in my entire life. How do you save yourself when you don't feel like you're worth saving? How do you do anything positive when you don't feel like you deserve it? Low self-esteem can be a very serious problem. However, I've gotten a lot better recently. I read somewhere that someone suggested wearing a rubber band around your wrist and snapping yourself every time you start to think negatively about yourself. I did this for a few days and then thought, well this feels even more self-destructive. So instead, I looked on ebay for an inexpensive bracelet that wouldn't be flashy or over the top or anything. I ended up picking a red Kabbalah bracelet and use it to remind myself that I'm worth something every time I look at it. I also went through a bunch of old pictures and journals of mine, and it helped to remind me that I am a real person that is very unique and valuable. I've realized that I thought I loved myself just because I have a pretty face and am a good singer. But that doesn't make a person. And deep down I needed to do some serious work on myself because I truly hated who I was. Heck, I'm still working on it. My advice would be to spend a lot of time thinking about why you feel the way you do, and put a positive reminder somewhere that tells you that you are special, even if you don't believe it at first. Look back on times when you've felt good about yourself, and try to carry some of that through to your present self. It will get better if you genuinely put effort into it. It helps to tell people around you that you're struggling with self-esteem issues so they can help lift you up. You are beautiful, unique and important! Don't give up on yourself. It's a tricky problem so I don't know if I was of any help but I wish you love and the best of luck.

melaniecheeks

Have another look at your goals.

On your profile, you said you wanted to do this to be able to manage without meds - how's that going?

Your diary seems pretty good, and you dont have a lot of weight to lose, so its important to take a long term view.

Have you tried any sort of meditation or yoga? Or even just going for a walk somewhere peaceful live by a river or in a forest? And find 3 positive things to say about yourself.

Showgirlbody

Self esteem is tricky. Sometimes you can have everything going for you and still not be satisfied. If you think you are depressed, that is a different story and you should consult a doctor. No amount of outside things can help if you need help inside your brain.
Ruling general depression out, it sounds like you are missing the validation of your efforts. You liked to see a tangible result to your work and therefore felt worthy of praise. You want the praise as validation, too but you want to feel like you deserve it. Now it is a way of life which is how it should be, so you aren't feeling satisfied as much because before it was new and different from your previous routines or efforts. But it's like wanting to be proud of yourself for washing your hands, it's just something you do because it's healthy. If food becomes an obsession to either extreme it is not good. Unfortunately, unlike an addict to something you don't need, you can't quit food cold turkey. We have to eat to live. Just don't let your days be ruled by what you ate or what the scale or BMI chart says. Easier said than done, I know. Most diet experts say that you can't fix the outside if you don't fix the inside. You need to take care of what triggers you to use food for comfort (or punishment). It seems easier to blame the self esteem problem on the food problem but it could be the other way around--meaning maybe your self esteem problem has nothing to do with your diet and exercise at all. Most of us probably got to an overweight state in the first place because of other issues, not just because we liked potato chips as Oprah would say. If you think there are issues to work out, there is no shame in therapy. It's just a shame to base your self worth on what you ate, whether it was good or bad. I think you just need better coping mechanisms for bad days or find solutions to what makes them bad so you don't need your security blanket binge.

sloanie1

Hey sweetie! Yep you got it in one.....losing weight doesn't solve underlying issues....YES it does help to be fit and healthy and don't get me wrong I am happier now that I have lost weight but every day is still a struggle....I have suffered from low self esteem my whole life, don't even know why to this day....I was diagnosed with OCD a few years ago and have been on medication since then which saved my life (literally) I have always suffered depression and never felt good enough....I have had therapy in the form of psychotherapist (amazing help) and a psychiatrist....this helped me immensely to understand the reasons behind it and how to start getting happy....talking to a professional can change your life, if you don't find the right one straight away keep looking! My advice is do something now, don't wait to get happy at 40 like me.....I never thought I could overcome it, but I mostly have, I still have my moments but I use the tools I have learned....one thing is for sure that I know is that things won't just change, dont' wait for them to, go out there and research and ask for help, read books etc...its about training your mind, it's tough and you have to be consistent BUT it can happen, only YOU can change it.....xxx

Fayve

Thanks so much everyone. A lot of what you've all said resonated a lot in me. I always see people posting and talking about how they're beginning to love themselves so much more as they become healthier and start to lose weight, and for me it feels almost completely opposite. I'm tempted to find out if my medical plan covers any sort of general therapy. I hope people don't read this and assume I'm just unhappy for not losing weight. I honestly don't think it's weight related, but since this is a major facet of my life, I feel like it relates to what I'm feeling most of all.

I feel like I'm dying to be an inspiration to those around me, but day after day, I'm the one who needs inspiring or a pep talk. That in itself is a little depressing. I've always had such a high self-esteem, so I don't know when it flipped like this either :P

Again, thank you

yogibella

So sorry to hear that you are going through a rough patch. I think you are right in saying that it is not all weight-related. There are definitely other things going on and the weight is probably another reason that you use to be down or hard on yourself. You may quite well be experiencing depression. Talk to your doctor. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health:)

In the meanwhile, keep up with the exercising as it generally boosts endorphins and makes you feel good. Don't worry too much about what the scale says or give your self a hard time over every single calorie. The numbers don't make or break who you are!

If you're struggling with negative thoughts or bad thinking patterns, I highly recommend the book: Feeling Good by David D. Burns, MD. It is a very logical, straight-forward, science-based book, and none of the quick-fix self-help sound bites.

Many of us struggle to feel comfortable in our own skin and sometimes it is a life-long journey. But don't despair! We can learn so much about ourselves and the world in a better way. Best of luck to you:)

meagalayne

The fact is, I started out around a year ago and felt great! I was exercising (probably the only person in my family who was), and taking great steps towards eating better. Almost every day, my mother would express how proud she was of me. She still does! Yet even now that I do all the same things I started out doing, I don't get nearly the same amount of self-satisfaction as I would on day one.

I just have a moment to reply to this, and there are definitely some bigger issues at play here, but this struck a chord with me.

You've been at this a year - A YEAR! - which is fabulous, but naturally the same things you started doing that felt great became habit and no longer seem like steps in the right direction. They are just lifestyle choices now. It sounds to me like you need to revisit your goals - See how you're doing on your progress and instead of focusing on weight loss goals which are very difficult to control when you are already within a healthy weight range, focus on what kind of behaviours or habits you can work at to make yourself feel proud of your progress.

What sort of habits, behaviours, routines, etc do you find really admirable in others that are making progress on this site, throughout maintenance?
What nutritional or fitness goals can you set to push yourself and really feel GOOD about your progress?
What personal growth goals can you set to start feeling better about you, as a whole?

I try to set at least 1 of 2 personal goals every month on top of my health and fitness goals. Something like getting more sleep, taking 15 minutes a day to just breathe and be quiet, read a novel or two this month, make time once a week to be social and spontaneous, etc.

We need to find balance in our lives to be find happiness. Maybe that's what you are missing, my dear :flowerforyou:

isabelk

When I read your post I was reminded of how I felt when I was depressed. One problem with depressive thoughts is that we assume we can just thing different thoughts and the depressed feeling will go away. It's not like that. It takes a long time and some work.

If you can't get talk therapy of some sort, you can still make progress away from depressive thinking.

You can focus on getting some physical activity each day, even it it's only walking.
You can spend a few minutes each day thinking of things you enjoy and how to incorporate them into your day (play your favorite music as you get ready in the morning, for example).
Try to connect with people and friends: make an effort to be social a few times a week.
Put some time into a favorite activity or hobby.
Volunteer for something you believe in. What you think matters and you can make a difference.
When you find yourself thinking about you in a negative way, turn it around. You feel bad about your progress? Review it: you have made some amazing changes over time. If you had done nothing, where would you be now? Your changes are good ones, and they are important ones. Look for the silver lining or an alternate narrative.

Depression takes away our ability to take action. Is there someone you can be accountable to as you keep making positive changes? Is there an MFP group you can join or start for this?

Good luck, and I wish you all the best. If you have any religious faith, I hope that you can find comfort and meaning through it.

KarensCanDoIt

I was teary-eyed all day yesterday, and I take comfort in reading these posts. I'm glad I'm not alone, and wish I had the funds to get some professional help. I've been trying to find a support group, but no luck yet. I'm tired of feeling low. I know it's irrational but just can't seem to stop.