Can he love me again

jameslucy

My husband and myself have been having problems for a while now. I have been questioning if i love him like I should for the past two years now. He now is saying he loves me but not in the way he should . He moved out of the family home so that we could have space to think. I have know realised that I do love him and do want it to work but I think it might be to late on his part. Is it possible for him to get those feelings back even after I have pushed him away for the past two years.

Carl01

The first thing you need to do is be honest about your feelings,is it really love on your part now?
Are you sure you are not just missing having a person around,the comfort and security of his presence as it relates to household matters etc.

Secondly as far as he goes,no guess without knowing all the details but by what it sounds like I would give it a 50/50 (sorry).

Take some time to be 100% sure you do love him and are not just feeling lonely,then arrange a meeting to talk it out,what went wrong,what your feelings were and why,what they are now and how to move forward.
Professional counseling if both are willing as well.

If he is not interested then again I am sorry but acceptance and moving forward is the next step as the legalities are sorted out.
Not trying to sound cold and suspect you desire an arm around the shoulder as much as opinions,I understand that too and am in a way trying to do that as well as answer.

ComeAroundSundown

I think the best thing to do is to just give it a try. You'll never know if you don't. Tell him how you honestly feel and work your way through it from there. He may want to make things work, or he may not - but if you don't tell him how you feel, you'll never know and could let a great thing get away. He may just need some confirmation of your feelings, especially if you've been pushing him away as you've said. Don't just tell him you love him, show him. Good luck

Jeneba

I honestly don't know the answers, but want to support you for feeling safe and trusting enough to invite your MFP Community to share in your life.:flowerforyou:

havingitall

The first thing you need to do is be honest about your feelings,is it really love on your part now?
Are you sure you are not just missing having a person around,the comfort and security of his presence as it relates to household matters etc.

Secondly as far as he goes,no guess without knowing all the details but by what it sounds like I would give it a 50/50 (sorry).

Take some time to be 100% sure you do love him and are not just feeling lonely,then arrange a meeting to talk it out,what went wrong,what your feelings were and why,what they are now and how to move forward.
Professional counseling if both are willing as well.

If he is not interested then again I am sorry but acceptance and moving forward is the next step as the legalities are sorted out.
Not trying to sound cold and suspect you desire an arm around the shoulder as much as opinions,I understand that too and am in a way trying to do that as well as answer.

Carl... that was a great answer. I agree with you 100%.

Jameslucy.... you need to figure out what you really want. If you have been pushing him away for 2 years, there is a reason. To finally want him after he has moved out isn't fair to either of you. Speak to a professional counselor or a minister if you belong to a church.

sunkisses

Just because someone's a good person, doesn't mean they're good for you. I learned that after having to end a 7 year-long relationship that just was dying over the years as well. He was a good guy, a good person, and he deserved a woman who could appreciate that, share his dreams, and give him everything else he needed. I knew I was not that woman. He was not cut out to be the partner I needed in life as well, and I knew it.

Breaking up is difficult, even when it's amicable. Take the time to mourn the loss of your relationship. Then, spend some quality time with yourself. Dedicating yourself to a failing relationship can strip you of your personal dreams and desires - even of yourself entirely. Let go and see what happens. Holding on doesn't keep him with you anyway.

songbyrdsweet

Love is a verb, not a noun. The chemicals that made you feel dizzy and passionate in the beginning of your relationship have died down, and now, during the maintenance phase of your relationship, is when you need to actively love the person. Create romance. Love with your actions. Rely on your friendship to get you through. Just my .02. :flowerforyou:

ChrisStoney

Not enough info to have an opinion. Do you have kids? Are you both dating/seeing other people? Do you still talk everyday or date each other? Usually if it is that bad that you have to live in seperate houses, it is not a good sign. But I have seen people do this and get back together, usually they have kids. Anyway good luck, hope you can be happy with whatever outcome you choose!

jameslucy

Yea we have 2 kids aged 9 & 4. The oldest is taking it quite bad. There is no-one else involved we have just drifted apart over the last few years with busy work schedules, kids and other stuff. I admit i just started taking him for granted and not puttung any effort into the marriage. I think he basically gave up trying and decided we should take time apart so that he can work out how he feels now.He said he cares a lot about me but he is not sure if its love for a friend of love for a wife.

Johnnyswife

Tell him how your feeling...see if the two of you could have a couple of dates (like when you were single), and get to know each other again. Maybe you can rediscover each other...if he's already moved out though, are you sure he hasn't moved on with someone else?

songbyrdsweet

Yea we have 2 kids aged 9 & 4. The oldest is taking it quite bad. There is no-one else involved we have just drifted apart over the last few years with busy work schedules, kids and other stuff. I admit i just started taking him for granted and not puttung any effort into the marriage. I think he basically gave up trying and decided we should take time apart so that he can work out how he feels now.He said he cares a lot about me but he is not sure if its love for a friend of love for a wife.

There should always be love for a friend there. You two should be BEST friends. If you know you weren't putting in the effort, now is the time to start.

jameslucy

I think it is to late. I have told him how I feel but he cant understand why I am showing him now, he thinks it is because I dont want to be on my own.

songbyrdsweet

I think it is to late. I have told him how I feel but he cant understand why I am showing him now, he thinks it is because I dont want to be on my own.

Are you telling him, or *showing* him? Those are two very different things. Get a sitter, go on a date, start romancing each other again. That goes a lot farther than just telling him.

jameslucy

I have suggested that but he doesnt want to go on a date yet. He says maybe in a while. I think I know in my heart its over. Its just accepting it and learning to stop torturing myself cause its my fault the marriage got to were it is now. Im just frightened of living a life full of regrets.

onecrazyredhead

Let him go.........if he loves you he will return.

jen0731

As long as you both give it an honest effort, then there shouldn't be any regrets. I was married for 12 years and the last 4 were pretty rough. I knew for me, I had to try to make it work. We do have a 13 year old and that's why I had to try to make it work. Don't confuse the "need" for someone in your life as love. If he is willing, try to do things together to have the chance to fall back in love again. When my ex and I realized it was really over, we kept our son's best interest through the whole thing and still do. The rest is material things and the only thing we wanted to do was make it was easy as possible for him. We had made a deal that there was no bashing in front of our son so it didn't tarnish any relationship for him. I wish you the best of luck!

KimmieBrie

I have suggested that but he doesnt want to go on a date yet. He says maybe in a while. I think I know in my heart its over. Its just accepting it and learning to stop torturing myself cause its my fault the marriage got to were it is now. Im just frightened of living a life full of regrets.

It takes 2 people to make or break a relationship. Stop blaming yourself and focus on what you really want while you have this alone time. You have 2 kids. You committed to your husband. Marriage is full of ups and downs. It's a process of constant love but falling in love again and again as well. I believe all married couples have those times when they feel maybe not so "in love" and other days when they are head over heels. He's not so "in love" right now. You've been there. Give him a break and a chance. Don't give up so easily - this is your family - and don't forget how not so long ago you were in his shoes - questioning your commitment.

songbyrdsweet

Have you considered couples' therapy? And I second KimmieBrie...I don't know any married couple who is always 'in love' with butterflies and fireworks. That doesn't mean they are wrong for each other or their relationship is hopeless.

ChrisStoney

I have suggested that but he doesnt want to go on a date yet. He says maybe in a while. I think I know in my heart its over. Its just accepting it and learning to stop torturing myself cause its my fault the marriage got to were it is now. Im just frightened of living a life full of regrets.

It takes 2 people to make or break a relationship. Stop blaming yourself and focus on what you really want while you have this alone time. You have 2 kids. You committed to your husband. Marriage is full of ups and downs. It's a process of constant love but falling in love again and again as well. I believe all married couples have those times when they feel maybe not so "in love" and other days when they are head over heels. He's not so "in love" right now. You've been there. Give him a break and a chance. Don't give up so easily - this is your family - and don't forget how not so long ago you were in his shoes - questioning your commitment.

marriage is alot of work, takes constant effort, I agree! You should find a way to flirt with him, show him you are still in love. send positive texts, be upbeat, move it foreward!

jameslucy

Thank you everyone for your advice. Does anyone ever believe it is too late.

ChrisStoney

Thank you everyone for your advice. Does anyone ever believe it is too late.

Yes, especially if lawyers become involved (or police).

ahinescapron

I believe in marriage and that you should give it every chance to work, but I also believe that there comes a point that it is totally over and time to move on. I don't think you have reached that point. Since there are kids involved and you still love him, you gotta do everything you can to make it work before moving on, lest you have regrets later. Marriage is hard and it is easy to lose the affection in the day to day of working and raising kids. If there are things that you know in your heart that you can change and make things better, I would do them and let him see that you really are trying and that you want to make a new start. Give him some time, though. He may be hurt from being pushed away and be afraid to reallly trust the situation again. Give it a concerted effort from your end, keep the lines of communication open, be honest about how you feel and give him some time to decide what he wants. If he is still not open to another try several months from now, it may be time to let him go. Please, don't give up until you are absolutely sure it is over...that way you will always know that you fought for the things that you love!

RaeLB

Love is a verb, not a noun. The chemicals that made you feel dizzy and passionate in the beginning of your relationship have died down, and now, during the maintenance phase of your relationship, is when you need to actively love the person. Create romance. Love with your actions. Rely on your friendship to get you through. Just my .02. :flowerforyou:

^ Agreed.

it is easy to fall in love and just as easy to fall out of love. Love is a choice you have to make. Every couple will go through seasons where it will be easy to love and when it will be difficult to do so.
I feel so many couples call it quits because they come out of the honeymoon phase and think that they the love is gone and it's over. But love takes work.
Perhaps some outside help could do you guys some good. Seek some couples counseling... that would be my advice.
It is a shame that only one part of the "for better or for worse" part of the vows is taken seriously by many couples. And if the "worse" is doing some work to get back to being madly in love consider yourself lucky.

deeharley

Love is a verb, not a noun. The chemicals that made you feel dizzy and passionate in the beginning of your relationship have died down, and now, during the maintenance phase of your relationship, is when you need to actively love the person. Create romance. Love with your actions. Rely on your friendship to get you through. Just my .02. :flowerforyou:

^ Agreed.

it is easy to fall in love and just as easy to fall out of love. Love is a choice you have to make. Every couple will go through seasons where it will be easy to love and when it will be difficult to do so.
I feel so many couples call it quits because they come out of the honeymoon phase and think that they the love is gone and it's over. But love takes work.
Perhaps some outside help could do you guys some good. Seek some couples counseling... that would be my advice.
It is a shame that only one part of the "for better or for worse" part of the vows is taken seriously by many couples. And if the "worse" is doing some work to get back to being madly in love consider yourself lucky.

^^^ These. At this point, it sounds like the ball is in his court, but that doesn't mean you have to stand by and wait. You said he has moved out. Invite him over for dinner a few nights a week. If you have to, tell him the kids would love to see him. Then, start showing him that it is HIM you love, not just the idea of being in love. Be kind, set the table nice, flirt with him, whatever. Feelings wax and wane - that's why you made a commitment. Okay, so you messed up, you slipped on your way to wedded bliss (whatever that is). Fix it. Yes, it's gonna be hard, yes, it may seem to take more work on your part than his, yes, it will get discouraging, and yes, people will tell you you're crazy for trying to win him back. But it is worth it. There are few things in life more satisfying than standing on the other side of a hard time with a spouse and being able to say, "Look what we came through together. We are awesome."

sherrirb

Love is a verb, not a noun. The chemicals that made you feel dizzy and passionate in the beginning of your relationship have died down, and now, during the maintenance phase of your relationship, is when you need to actively love the person. Create romance. Love with your actions. Rely on your friendship to get you through. Just my .02. :flowerforyou:

^THIS!!!!!!!!!!!

This hits the nail squarely on the head. Love is an action. Love is making a conscious effort to appreciate your spouse for who he is; father to your children, main supporter of the family, head of the househould, decision maker, etc.

The question isn't IF you love him, the real question is WILL you love him. Your vows said "Til DEATH do you part". Did you really mean this? If you didn't then you never should have gotten married in the first place. If you did then you need to go to him and tell him you realize that you've been pushing him away and ask him for forgiveness and ask him to come home. Do NOT wait. The longer you wait the more likely he will be to move on.