LOVE HIM OR LET HIM LEAVE???

uniquewrapz

My only advice seems to be echoed in the posts above...listen to what your gut is telling you. Do you have a pastor that you and he can talk to together to try to talk out your issues?

His ultimatum sounds to me like a cover for some deeper issues or insecurities that HE is having. I highly recommend, if you choose to stay together, to talk to a pastor or counselor. Someone with perspective that can listen to both sides.

Above all, do what your gut tells you is right to do. It's NEVER wrong.

Keep us posted and stay strong! I can understand what you're going through...your story has similarities to mine.....

mlbazemore

I thank you all for giving me something to think about. He has asked me before "what, you want me out your life" usually after he's done something where I should be saying "I want you out my life" instead I say "is that what you want" and when he says no the knot in my throat softens and I feel relieved. I have told myself that if he asks me again, I'd say yes. I'd like to think that I have the strength to say yes. Often I wonder. His cheating is an issue, eventhough I'd like to believe it's a thing of the past, it's VERY hard for me to trust him and yet I still don't want to be without him. I don't want to sound like a glutton for punishment, and I'm not one who asks for advice after B**ching about her man and then defends him....but he's not a bad man. He's a good man and a good father, he's just more needy than I expect a man to be but I've excused a lot of that because of his abandonment issues. But you, MFP friends, are right I do have to do what's best for me and my family. He's my man not my child.

I have said to myself that I should stop chasing a man who doesn't want to be caught. And it was mentioned on one of the post that you can't keep someone who doesn't wants to be kept. I guess I'll have to face the ugly truth.

Neize

All I can say is you really know what to do but for some reason you don't want to do it! A man only gets away with what a woman allows. Please if you can't find a way to love yourself better than that al least love your children better than that. You are really playing russian roulette because there are too many disease out there and where would that leave your children without their Mother. I'm a single mother and I couldn't imagine putting my children through the stress that this relationship have brought to your home. Believe me the children knows when something isn't right. My prayers are with you.

Dtho5159

You lost me at infidelity... Ive been with my husband since I was 18 years old and if he EVER cheated on me, I would be done.

BlondeLisa1

Words are cheap, actions are what show the character.

I can't give any other advice but to tell you I'll send a good thought your way as you make this decision. Good luck.

2bFitNTrim

You may love him, but it takes more than love to make a relationship work.

That's all I'm saying, others have made great points already, so I don't want to be repetitive.

porcelain_doll

Every woman deserves a man who will be faithful to her. He didn't just cheat once, he cheated "countless" times. You've got all the warning signs in front of you before walking down the aisle. Please do what is best for you and your child in this situation. It is not always in the child's best interest for the parents to stay together. He has a lot to learn about relationships; one of them being respect. You deserve respect. It is just a matter of time before he cheats again. Don't wait until your heart breaks again to make a move.

slimsconie

Talk to the Lord and ask him to give you the guidance to endure this situation. Personally, I believe the relationship should go let go for awhile, You get you together, (mentally & physically) and then maybe you 2 can come back together and discuss resolution. Nobody should come before your own well being.

PanteraGirl

Gonna get back to you on this one. Gonna think about it!

TanyaCurtis

Plain and simple, u are two totally different people, so nothing will ever be perfect! That goes for any relationship, anywhere. Just talk about it and work on it together, u shouldn't be looking for other people's opinions on ur personal relationship. U guys obviously Love each other, and now ur having a child together, so u have no choice but to work it out, whatever problems may arise, u gotta deal with it and just be there for each other, and be supportive!! If he's had abandonment issues growing up, u'll have to be more sensitive towards him. But the same goes to him, he'll have to be understanding of u. Hope u two work it out, and don't let other people or things get in between what u guys have built. U've come to far, no point in throwing in the rag now. U'll just find urself in a different relationship with a whole set of new problems!!!

tenax

You lost me at infidelity... Ive been with my husband since I was 18 years old and if he EVER cheated on me, I would be done.
[/quote

EXACTLY what i was thinking before i even read this.

Jess102979

I think you know what you need to do, but nothing comes easy. You did mention infidelity and from what Im reading, it sounds like hes making excuses to fight /argue. It sounds like this man doesnt care much. I wish you the best of luck with the choices you decide to make.

jazzalea

My advice to you.. you can LOVE him... but you need to LOVE yourself more. I think the fact that youare even asking what you should do, somewhere in your heart you know what you need to do, but you are just looking for outside validation that it is okay to walk away.

Maybe what you're really looking for is validation that it's ok to stick it out......In this day and age there is a stigma in staying with anyone who doesn't treat you like gold. he sounds a lot like my guy... he's a nightmare of insecurities and bad temper and he ain't too bright either ..... But I love him, and I know how much he loves me and needs me and I know how safe I am with him..... Most days I love him more than I want him..... Most days he's more trouble than he's worth and I'm tired of defending it to the world. And some days I need someone to tell me it's ok to stay with this *kitten* because it's not worth throwing everything away over a can of tuna.... ( inside joke)

For whatever reason I'm with this person, and I know that as horrible as he can be, it's usually because he isn't getting enough of me. He's like a small child throwing a tantrum because he can't get the peg in the hole when he's really just overtired and needing a nap. And thats when I know how much I love him, cuz instead of having my own tantrum, I bundle him up, pat him on the back and sing him a lullaby till he is content again.... sometimes it's exhausting..... but I honestly love him, not teenage, love you forever baby kinda love, but adult love.... that means he comes before I do.... and its coming back in spades

mea9

All of it comes down to his control issues. If he's willing to work through it, and you still want to work through it, there is only one issue here that I can see. I would never leave a job for that because it would sure put you in a bad position and he's thrown you under the bus a few times. But, if you want to, AND he's willing to get help, he has some BIG TIME control issues. BTW that is a kind of abuse.

Newlyfe74

Normally I don't get invovled in issues like this, especially when I don't know the person who's asking for advice, but I just have to chime in on this one. Let me start out by saying this....WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES. I don't want to judge your man because of his past, however, Maya Angelou once said...When people show you who they are, BELIEVE THEM. It seems like your man has shown you that he is selfish, inconsiderate, a cheater, and unconcerned with your needs. Of course, I'm on the outside looking in and I can only go off what you have shared with us here, but if all of these things are true, you are NOT in a healthy relationship. I know that love and history is probably what is making you stay. But believe me, it takes more than love to make a relationship work. Yes you have kids together, yes you live together (I assume), yes you have shared expenses together, but NONE of that equates to a healthy relationship. What does equate to a healthy relationship is two people who are committed to achieving common goals and who contribute wholeheartedly to the needs of the relationship. Now on to YOU....You mentioned that you had/have some self-esteem issues. I think the reason that you have allowed this behavior is perhaps because you don't value yourself enough to realize that you deserve and NEED better. At this point, you both need individual counseling to work on your own separate issues and then if the relationship is to survive, maybe you can do couples counseling. Whatever you decide to do, make sure that you put the needs of your children first. They do not need to be in this unhealthy environment. My heart goes out to you and I will keep you in my prayers. I know this is not an easy decision to make, but your life and sanity depends on a quick decision. If you want to talk more, I am willing to inbox you my email address.

fatnomo100

This is JUST my opinion
It sounds to me like you have been there for every turn, and bump in the road for this man, doing WHATEVER it took to make things work. and he can't suck it up and support you for a few weeks to get through this mad rush? Sounds awfully selfish of him.
It sounds to me like you are putting WAY more than your half of work in this relationship.
If you are the only one fighting, you are the only one in the moment who cares enough TO fight.
My advice to you.. you can LOVE him... but you need to LOVE yourself more. I think the fact that youare even asking what you should do, somewhere in your heart you know what you need to do, but you are just looking for outside validation that it is okay to walk away.
Some things are worth fighting over, some things are worth fighting FOR, does he feel like you are worth fighting for? Have you told him that you feel as though he isn't being supportive of you in this time of need? sit down and have a good rational talk.
I understand that it is a GOOD thing he wants you around more, but he has to understand that life gets in the way sometimes, and he has to be there for the ride, or get the hell off the train!

AGREE!!! I Could not have said this better.

Rhea30

Have you guys ever done couple counseling? It might be good to try that and see if it helps and if not then you probably know what's the next step. He seems to have issues as others pointed out, controlling and probably self esteem but those are his problems and they also might have become an escape goat for him just to do bad behavior (since he's cheated more then once) but finding someone who isn't bias towards either of you like a counselor could help open up dialogue and maybe help him learn or even able to get him see the issues he is having and what to do about it.

Mcgrawhaha

sorry, but i too had to stop reading at countless infedalities. thats not love. you may love him, but wheres the love in return? you cant love someone, and betray them with infedalities. hes sounds selfish and ungreatful. its not about letting him leave, its about telling him to. you deserve more, your kids deserve more, they deserve to see thier mother treated like a queen, so they dont grow up and repeat your history. INFEDALITY IS NOT LOVE, NO MATTER WHAT HIS EXCUSE!

giggles1973

I can't remember who said it but it's a quote I LIVE by "Never make someone a priority who considers you their option" I can honestly say everybody I love knows they are my priority. Have I cut people out of my life who treated me differently? Yes. Was it easy? NO!!! But it's important to teach our children to love and respect themselves... We have to be their examples by living it not just saying it. I feel horrible for you and your situation and wish you all the best in whatever you decide

janarebekah1043

Can I just say something here? I mean this with all the kindness and love in my heart. I am an old fashioned girl..I am the daughter of a Baptist preacher and a stay at home mom....My dad at times pastored churches that couldnt afford to pay him a salary..He didnt get into the ministry to make money...However even if it meant working three jobs he took care of the six kids that my parents chose to make. My mother only taught private school from time to time so that we could attend for a discounted price. I am married now with five boys of my own. I am fully aware that the world has changed just as the economy has. My husband works doing whatever he can do to fully support our family and he has a broken hip...At times we barely get by...right now is one of those times. But we are a family...we didnt just become a family when we had kids. He and I alone were and are a family in God's eyes as well as our own. There are times when we get frustrated with each other when bills come in and we dont know how we're going to pay them, but whether we sink or swim we do it together. Of course your husband has the "right" to feel however he feels, but the two of you are working to swim because no one has fun sinking. I would just encourage him and also lovingly remind him that you are trying to help your entire family unit be better off financially.....he's a part of that family. Set aside one day a week that no sleep or no work can interfere with. Support him in your words, actions and mostly in your prayers. He will benefit more from your silent prayers to your maker than he will from anything else you do. No matter how much the world has changed the Word of God has not. Men are the providers of the home and even while you support your family...you are still the heart of your home. He needs that from you just as much as your bills need to be paid. I applaud you for all your hard work and your dedication to your family. God Bless and whatever you choose, you are a good woman!