The WEIGHT of my sin has been lifted!

mzigrn

I am newer to this program and absolutely LOVE it. My husband did a PRISM program and lost about 40 pounds, but I felt that plan is too restrictive. I have modified my eating habits and try to remember my body is a temple. I believe that my past kept me from my future. After a challenging childhood in an alcoholic, pot dealing, step dad abusing my mom home, I grew to desire NOT to walk in the footsteps of those who were guiding me. Little did I know that just thinking I could be different was not going to make me different. I didn't end up an alcoholic or pot smoker, but I did end up in relationships with alcoholics. I spent 4 years with my first alcoholic. I guess I just knew how to deal with them better than I did anyone else. And I always wanted to save them. My parents were divorced when I was a year old, but were remarried to other people when i was growing up. Both of them involved me in the affairs they had while I was growing up. After my failed relationship with the alcoholic, I married a man who had a childhood very similar to mine as far as having parents who cheated on each other and spent more time drinking than caring about the kids. We swore we would never be those people. I didn't end up cheating on my spouse, although I did catch him cheating on me. More than once. So I got out. Fast forward to next alcoholic relationship. This one was true love, the one I WAS going to save. hahahahahahaha, yeah right. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant, he came after me in a drunken rage and told me he was part of the Las Vegas Mob and I could be killed at any time. He informed me that no one would ever want me now. I was divorced with two kids and pregnant with a *kitten* child. About 5 months later, he went on an all night binge and locked me in a bedroom. I was pregnant and breaking down a door. Then he held a knife to my throat telling me I was going to die. I got away and ran. You would think I would have been done. I was so sure it was just the alcohol making him that way. When he was sober he was great. We stayed together, off and on. Our daughter was stillborn and I fell apart, then I got back up and realized I had to change my life. We clung together for awhile, then he went to prison. I was still feeling inadequate. I was reading my bible and searching for answers. I knew that I had to walk a different path if i wanted to see my daughter in heaven. I was going to church and trying to leave that wide path. I went back to school so i could support my children and myself. I wanted my daughter to look down from heaven and be proud of me. When he got out of prison, we tried again to make it work. He had been working on his relationship with God just as i had, or so I thought. Soon he began drinking again and threatened me. This time I was done, for good. It was the hardest thing ever, but I did it. That was 7 years ago. It has been a rough 7 years for me. On the outside my world seems great. I found a christian man and we got married. He doesn't drink and he doesn't cheat. We are active in our church and have been blessed with a home, jobs, food on the table and clothes on our backs. I should have been happy. I should have been thriving. But all I could think about was how I used to be pretty, now I'm just fat. My ex-husband told me that once to explain his infidelity. I realized that over the years, i had allowed myself to become unattractive because I didn't want to be hurt. I recently started a weight loss challenge with my co-workers. I have put on the brave front, telling everyone I was going to win. blah blah blah I have been trying to lose weight to ward off type 2 diabetes. I have lost 28 pounds in the last 7 months. 8.8 of those pounds in the last three weeks using MFP and exercising. Then I saw something. Someone had posted something on facebook that I had to steal and modify just a bit. It is my new motto: I NO LONGER HAVE TO CARRY THE WEIGHT OF WHO I HAVE BEEN, I AM FORGIVEN! It dawned on me that my past was weighing me down. I know Jesus Christ, Lord of Lords, son of God. I have known Him for a long time. I have known that He has forgiven me, but i forgot to forgive myself. I am a brand new person. My chains are gone. I am free! I am using MFP now in a whole new way. Before it was to police myself. Now, it is to see how I am letting God have control of my choices. Because ultimately, everything is a choice.