Wedding Ettiquette Advice Needed

ChunkyFunkyMonkey

It is YOUR WEDDING, if you feel bad not inviting them then invite them, however if you feel like you HAVE to do it because it is the proper ettiquette NOT because you WANT to then don't.
It might be good it might be bad it might cause all kinds of friction in the family, but in the end it is YOUR and YOUR FIANCEE's day.
Have you talked to your fiancee about it?

DBiddle69

Only thing I will say about this situation is remember the kids did not ask for the situation they are in. My opinion is if you invite his kids you need to invite her kids or you could cause issues for the kids.

MochaMixAZ

He thinks I'm nuts for even considering inviting any of them.

It is YOUR WEDDING, if you feel bad not inviting them then invite them, however if you feel like you HAVE to do it because it is the proper ettiquette NOT because you WANT to then don't.
It might be good it might be bad it might cause all kinds of friction in the family, but in the end it is YOUR and YOUR FIANCEE's day.
Have you talked to your fiancee about it?

ahjenny

When is the wedding? Do you have enough time to have a family dinner with your brother's new family and you and your fiance? That could help determine if you want to invite your brother and whether you want to invite his wife and kids. I would say that if you invite one kid (or two, or three), you should invite them all. Don't make the start of your relationship with the others be a bad one. Maybe you'll get lucky and he won't go (and maybe he'll send the kids who want to go, blood or step).

ETA: Good luck and congrats on your upcoming wedding.

mel70

Life's short...too short to surround yourself with people who don't bring joy to your life.

mommyoverboard

Nothing wrong with an adult only wedding - its very common and not only that you can google how to word it correctly - as not to offend. I wouldn't worry too much, from the way it sounds, I'd be surprised if he even shows up... even if he RSVPs.

Erindipitous

If I was in your situation, I would NOT invite your brother.. Not after all of that, and what you haven't even told us. You should have supportive people around who you WANT to have there. Invite the kids if you want them to be present.. But don't feel obligated to shell out the money for your brother and his never-met wife if it's going to negatively affect your day.

Just my thought.

xMedullaOblongatax

I have been planning my own wedding and I have read up on the ettiquette on these situations.

1) Don't invite the asshat, even if he is your brother. If he is present, then he may do something rude. He may be your family, but it's YOUR day. Make it clear to your family that your brother and yourself do not get along, you do not wish to make concessions, it's your decision and you're sticking by it. You wish to have a drama-free wedding, and you have experience in him causing problems for you. You do not have to go into details, but ask that they respect your wishes.
1a) If you do invite him, then hire an usher or ask a very reliable and professional-acting friend to be an usher. The usher will help guide people to their seats, show guests to the restroom, show the guest book and also deal with problem-people. If you ask a friend or family member to be the usher and they have had no experience doing that before, make sure they understand the ettiquette and procedures of that position very well. A desirable usher is polite, knowledgeable, courteous, and if necessary, firm. If a problem develops, the usher should endeavor to keep things low-key.
2) Invite all of the kids or don't invite them. It is rude to invite only some of them. It may seem awkward not to invite kids, but it's okay not to. There actually is an ettiquette about kid-free weddings: have your wedding and reception in the evening and at night, and add on the invitations that the late time of the event may not be appropriate for children, and that it's "grown-ups" only. You can hire someone as a baby-sitter who is on-site in another room if you think there will be a lot of drama over this... if someone RSVP's and decides to "invite" a bunch of kids, have your usher respectfully guide them to the babysitter, who will take the load off of mom and dad's hands!

If you invite your brother and he acts like a gigantic douche-grenade, then know that he will look more embarrassing that you will ever feel.

I'm still siding on keep him out of your perfect day!

agugino

I say, it's your day. Invite who you want. I see nothing wrong with inviting your nieces and nephews, but why should you invite kids that you don't even know their ages. And honestly, the kids have never even met you, why would they be hurt that they weren't included. If I were a kid, I really wouldn't want to go to some ladies wedding that I have never even met.

pretynwite

Include his children in the wedding party itself, then invite the others because you never know you could be establishing a great relationship with them as well. Open your heart to family give the new wife at least one chance.

xMedullaOblongatax

Forgot to add: CONGRATS ON YOUR BIG DAY!

Children 18 years or older should receive their own invitation.

I remember you saying you do not know the name of the children... this is OKAY! You can't keep a track of everybody! There are two ways to address the invitation:

"Mr. John Smith
And
Mrs. Jane Smith
And Family"

or

"The Smith Family"

It is not necessary to include the full names of each child, even on the most formal invitations!

emtastic929

Kudos for taking the high road. Allow me to play devils advocate and promote the low road.
This is YOUR day - f**k him.

Haha. TAwesome.

Anyway, I say it's your day - do what you want. Do what makes you and your fiance happy.

Also, congratulations on your upcoming wedding! When is the big day? I'm getting married May 5th this year. It's coming quick!

AlmstHvn

First, congratulations on your upcoming wedding! And for your weight-loss, that's so inspiring!

Do they live close by, or far away? Any ideas from your parents what his new wife is like? She might be a lot nicer than he is. If they live close enough, maybe invite her to lunch, just the two of you?

My husband has 4 sons from his first marriage. They live 1000 miles away so the first time we met was at our wedding. It was a bit awkward. I wish we'd had the time and money to have some time together beforehand.

alpha2omega

Better yet.. Invite your niece and nephew and no your brother or his wife!

I LOVE this idea. The devil in me actually considered inviting his ex-wife and the kids - and leaving him out. It's the kids I care about.

As for have I attempted a reconcile - yes. On many occassions. Many, many occassions. Even sought out professional help to mediate. I'm by no means an angel, but I don't think I painted the scale of my dislike. If I said he was a known cheater, IRS-evader, suspected abuser, alcoholic - I would be diminishing the situation. Not that it makes a difference. I have zero desire to sustain a relationship with him, except for the sake of my nieces and nephews. It's painful to say suffer the children for the sins of their father, but in the case - it's true.

If your relationship is as non-existant as it appears he is no more a family member than any of us who you've never met. To invite him would be to invite a stranger or, in this case, an adversary. Just invite your nieces and nephews and their mother(ex-wife).

BelleHeart

I am sorry for the trouble you are having! = /

If you have enough space, yes. If you don't no. You don't really know them so it would be weird anyways.

Puffins1958

It's YOUR wedding, you invite whom wver you'd like. And as terrible as this sounds, I would NEVER invite your brother.
Her doesn't NEED to share your joy, on probably the MOST important day of your life, :flowerforyou:

It's JMO.....
I wish you the BEST of luck and years of much happiness!!!!

mcjabber

I'm voting with invite only the kids you like.

I'm dealing with a similar scenario--I'm recently engaged, and while we haven't started the official wedding planning, I know it will be an issue when it comes to my fiance's family. His mother, more specifically. Half of the time I'm of the opinion that I don't want anyone there who doesn't fully support us and want to share our joy that day, but the other half of the time I simply can't imagine not inviting my future mother-in-law to my wedding. So I totally get your dilemma!

I think if you invite just the kids, you can easily explain the snub of the rest of his family to everyone else (and to him) by explaining that you have limited space and would like to have the most important relationships there. It might be a tough conversation, but if you're relationship is as bad as you say, he shouldn't be surprised when you admit that you don't have a good relationship with him, right? Although he might get vindictive and not let his kids come.

But whatever you decide, I hope you have an amazing experience at your wedding and congrats!

jenniferdances1

I think you should just invite your nieces & nephews since they're the ones that you really care about being there but if you do send your brother an invite I think you should invite his wife and her kids too.

kelika71

This sounds like my relationship with two of my brothers since the passing of my mom. Ya know what? I said to hell with them!! I've made attempts to mend fences. I've tried explaining myself. I've learned that it falls on deaf ears or people choose what they want to hear.

In the end, it is YOUR day...not his or anyone else's. Therefore, you don't owe anyone any explanations. You said that you're arming yourself to explain. Honey, don't. If people can't see how he has been throughout the years, why should you have to justify things? Invite only those you want there and enjoy your day.

Best wishes!!

bjfmade

Your wedding,..do what makes you happy. I would not invite her children. You have not even met her, not to mention her children. Your brother has not taken the time to introduce you to her. If he gets butt hurt, that is his problem. Best case scenario....he doesn't show up!!! Win Win

mistresseeyore

To be honest, just be honest. That it is a small place and you can only invite so many. That you would love to get to know his new step children, but the place doesn't permit more than so many people. That your wedding is not the place for your to be introduced to the new kids, because it is a stressful time, and you should be able to focus on them when you meet them not on all the stuff that will be going on during your special day. It's not rude to leave meeting them until later, it may be a wiser move.

ChunkyFunkyMonkey

He thinks I'm nuts for even considering inviting any of them.

It is YOUR WEDDING, if you feel bad not inviting them then invite them, however if you feel like you HAVE to do it because it is the proper ettiquette NOT because you WANT to then don't.
It might be good it might be bad it might cause all kinds of friction in the family, but in the end it is YOUR and YOUR FIANCEE's day.
Have you talked to your fiancee about it?

Well then, he doesn't seem to want them there, (sorry for the presumption) but you don't seem comfortable about the idea of having them there, so why ruin your special day together?
It's already going to be stressful enough.

dovesgate

Include his children in the wedding party itself, then invite the others because you never know you could be establishing a great relationship with them as well. Open your heart to family give the new wife at least one chance.

This.

You don't know the woman nor what your brother has told her about you and your lack of a positive relationship. You never know, she could be an amazing woman who finally gets your brother to see the light - but you'll never know if you go excluding her children while inviting the former wife's children whether you know them or not. That is just like drawing battle lines in the sand. The nicest woman in the world would not look favorably upon you for excluding her children and YOU will look like the asshat instead of your brother.

Good luck and congratulations!

WifeNMama

I think his actiona have clearly stated that he won't be too hurt if you exclude him. I say invite the ex wife and kids, and hire a bouncer to keep out unwanted guests. Other people might react, but family who have been manipulated by his sociopathic tendencies will breathe a sigh of relief when they don 't have to spend the whole day with him. You might even get thank you cards.

ansata

I have one very big question for you.

What is the possibilities of him actually coming?
If yes, make space and build a bridge, be the bigger person. No one says you have to spend all day with them. Just make a cordial hello and off you go with your husband. If you know he will cause a scene then simply have a girlfriend pull you away for something important and have three of the biggest intimidating guys you can find nearby. More than likely he will not cause problems if there is heavys nearby. Have a special place for the kids if they get rowdy to calm down. Have someone that can ask politely to parents if children become disruptive. You can also limit number of guests he brings. If they have one that may be a baby or one that is too old to come that may want to stay home instead of being dragged around by the parents.

IF no well you have nothing to worry about other than making sure your make-up doesn't run for pictures after you have boohooed throughout the vows part!
Congrats and welcome to Marriage!!!!

rebecca_chess

IMHO - Life is too short to be surrounded by people who suck the happiness out of it. Personally, I would invite HIS kids only. Not him, just his kids.

ILiftHeavyAcrylics

I do appreciate all the opinions, so keep them coming!! No matter what I decide, I'm arming myself to explain my decisions!

To me this is the crucial point, because there will be drama no matter what you do. Are you prepared to defend your decision? If so, and if it's important to you, then go for it and forget the etiquette. If the etiquette is important to you, or if you don't want to deal with the aftermath of not inviting them, then follow the etiquette. Weddings have drama no matter what you do-- you can't make everyone happy. You just have to pick your battles.

TriumphNow

I didn't thoroughly read every response so I apologize if this is a repeat. Most importantly, it's your day and you and your fiancee agreed to invite 50 people. You should not feel obligated to take up space with anyone that is going to make you feel uncomfortable or unhappy on your big day. It comes and goes to quickly so you should fully enjoy it. If you have no problem with his ex-wife, I see nothing wrong with inviting her and the 3 children. Clearly you don't want to invite your brother and you don't know his wife or stepchildren.

I also suggest putting specific names on your invitations (not just the mailing envelope) so there is no confusion about who is invited. Unfortunately, I know from experience some people will fill in the number they want to come if you're not specific. I had to make phone calls to clarify who was invited so I didn't end up with extra people.

Anyway, sorry for the long post. Bottom line is you have accomplished fantastic things to get to this point in your life. You deserve for your wedding to be wonderful with no distractions. All the best to you

KimmieBrie

I think you should invite all or none, you shouldn't punish the step children for the actions of your brother...
So IF you invite the brother, his kids and new wife it should be all inclusive. You could invite the ex-wife and her children and exclude your brother.

Ultimately though it's your day, your wedding. Congrats & enjoy YOUR day!

cfergy

Honestly, It's YOUR WEDDING. I would not even invite your brother. I repeat, it's YOUR WEDDING.