Why I am here: Addiction and recovery, and searching for com

Lyingsage

Hey guys, I am brand new to this site, and I just wanted to give a little introduction just in case anyone has been in the same situation that I have.

Currently I am 180 pounds and it's hands down the heaviest I have ever been. I know it's just a little overweight, but anyone who has put on the extra pounds knows how much that weight impedes doing all the stuff you want to do. Walking up hills, trying to keep up with friends when they walk, or even going to a pool when all you own is bikinis...

As long as I can remember, I have always had problems with my weight. I grew up in a very messed up household, two alcoholic parents that were abusive to each other and verbally abusive to me. I had a brother who was also a severe heroin addict, which caused my parents in their good times to focus on keeping him from dying, and all the attention went to him and none of my other 2 siblings or myself. Considering I had no control over anything in my life from the ages of about 4 to 13, I developed some extremely bad eating habits that have taken a lifetime to over come. I would eat because I was depressed, I would eat because I was happy, I would eat to feel in control, and I would eat for any other reason I could find. Being that my parents were alcoholics, it was the type of household where the only thing we ever ate was packaged food. If there was even that. I ate Kraft Dinner 2-3 times a week, packaged hash browns for lunch on weekends, sugar cereal in the morning, and plain speghettie the rest of the week. I also developed this terrible habit of refusing to eat anything I wasn't used to just to give my parents a big F.U. That went on until I was about 13 as well, and I had ballooned to about 185 pounds or so.

I was constantly made fun of for my weight and height at school, which of course because of the lack of self esteem that followed, I ate more. The lack of nutrition that I consumed led to some serious problems; I would black out constantly, I was in such a severe depression that I had started self mutilating, and when I wasn't at school all I could do was to sleep. I had never realized that it was the food that was causing such an intense emotional distress, since I had never had any real nutrition go into my body.

Everything changed when I was 13. I had tried methamphetamine for the first time and had instantly developed an addiction to it. I had lost almost 50 pounds within 2 or 3 months (of course it was in the most unhealthy way possible), and was on top of the world. As with all addictions, eventually it all crumbles. I couldn't get up in the morning without using, and if I didn't I would sleep for days without anyone being able to wake me up. I had relapsed off and on until I was about 15.

At that age I had decided enough was enough. I quit doing drugs, I quit drinking, and since I had gotten my first dog I had started taking her for walks everyday. No matter how crappy I felt in the morning I wanted to get up and make sure my pup was happy and would take her for walks. The walks led to jogging, and the jogs led to running. For the first time in my life, and without any sort of intoxicants, I was starting to feel normal... I would even go so far as to say I was truly happy! It was such an amazing experience to see how just by starting to exercise, how much my body and emotions changed!

Everything improved. My depression got better on it's own, I pretty much stopped smoking without any sort of effort, and I started craving nutritious, healthy food. I had no craving for drugs and I completely stopped cutting myself. It got to the point for the first time in my life where I could look into the mirror without crying. I started going out more, making friends, and just enjoying life. I absolutely loved myself.

I had never made the connection that why I felt so crappy all the time was because of my diet. It was seriously a life changing experience. Unfortunately, my dog jumped the fence, and got hit by a car. After that I stopped exercising, stopped eating right and started partying again. At 16 I starting using heroin and within a couple of weeks I became addicted. Again I lost a bunch of weight, and barely ate. Luckily around that time I had met my boyfriend as well, unfortunately we both were addicted together, but we also quit together.

I was an addict up until 2 years ago. I had found the methadone program and it saved my life. I got my **** together, started working and within 6 months I was running a multimillion dollar company. The unfortunate thing is that methadone causes serious lethargy, and weight gain. As well gaining weight comes naturally when you quit doing a substance that your body is completely dependent on.

So why I'm here is that I want become completely healthy. The strides I have taken to improve my life are immense. I have overcome stuff at 21 years old that most people will never have to face in a lifetime. I am working super hard to get my life on track and to work on getting my mind healthy. Unfortunately in these situations, with the intense struggle to change every aspect of their lives, too many people forget about their bodies and how much your body and mind are tied together.

I have taught myself how to cook, and have become quite accomplished. I have taught myself about nutrition. I have started growing my own food. I have let go of the past. I have put my body through the ringer more times that once, and have come close to death. But I have rebounded and that's what matters.

As most of you know or are finding out, that you can accomplish anything you put your mind to. Your perspective controls what the future holds for you. You can persevere through the worst that the world throws at you (or the **** you get yourself into), as long as you stay dedicated and strong.

So, after all of this, I know that I will be able to get a healthy body too. I want to be strong, happy and healthy in my mind, body, and soul. That's why I'm here.