HELP!! This isn't health related but I don't know what to do
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Very good advice0
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This truely is an emotional dilemma! She's your mam but, she's a grown up and at her age she should be able to act responsibly. My advice to you is, talk to your fiance and go with your gut. You could lend it to her, she may pay it back and all is well. Then again, she may not do that and so, you will not be able to get married and move on with your life and get married. Put your needs first, whatever they may be! If you do decide to lend her the cash then get a legal document. I really hope you get this sorted out but at the end of the day, your mam can't keep whirlwinding herself through life expecting other people to foot the bill. It's just wrong. If you lend her the cash I really hope she pays you back.0
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What a horiible situation to be in!
Unfortunately, when you loan someone money, always consider it a gift not a loan, because you usually will not get it back. It sounds like you will not get it back based off your post.
She is the mother, not you....she is an adult. If she can't managed her money properly it is her fault, not yours. If you loan her money now, she will keep asking you for more and more...it is called enabling. She can go to her landlord and explain her situation and ask to make modify rent payments for a time period, she can look for a cheaper place to live, she can bring in a room mate....there are solutions availible to her that does not require her to borrow money from you.
You need to protect yourself and your future...don't put yourself into a situation that will cause more stress...if she gets angry with you over this than she is just usuing you....we can pick our friends, but cannot choose our family, but just because someone is family doesn't give them the right to treat you horribly....
Standing up to a parent is really hard....it is a difficult situation...but stand firm....you won't make her homeless, if she becomes homeless that is all her own doing...
I agree. it's a horrible feeling to deal but I do believe this is the right path to take.0 -
sweet heart you are not the parent and your mum is rotten putting you in this situation, i am sure she is old enought to figure this out bu herself and stop stressing you out. Your fella is right at some point you have to start loving yourself and looking after yourself.
you have to think about yourself this time kiddo and trust your fella is telling you the right thing , if your gonna marry him trust he is telling you no for your own good.
x x good luck try not to stress chicken chops0 -
I think it's time for some tough love. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, but it sounds like your mom could very well cut and run with your $1,000. If you need that money for your wedding, then don't give it to her. It sounds like she really needs a wake up call and if you keep bailing her out, she will never learn to rely on herself. Sending you a huge hug...
Agree. I know it sounds harsh, but one thing I've learned the hard way is people have to learn from themselves and if you continuously bail them out they become dependent.0 -
My advice is "tell your future husband" If your going to marry this man it is important you dont hide anything from him #1.
#2 - Trust is earned, not given....What does she need the money for? Is there anyway you can minimize the amount?
I know how hard it is saving for a wedding so this can be a big deal. But if your just going to hand her the money you will have no way of actually knowing what she is going spend it on. I had a problem with this once with a family member and gambling!
No one can tell you what to do. Family is important no matter the rights or wrongs they have done but it doesnt mean you are obligated to their drama. You have a say so too.
Good luck and praying for you!0 -
I would actually write a note/loan document, with interest, and make her sign if you choose to lend it (you can find them on the internet easily). If you don't choose to lend it I would tell her exactly why, don't lie or that puts you on the same level.
just my 2 cents....
The reason i wouldn't suggest doing this is that it if the relationship isn't already strained enough, turning it into a business proposition will. Not to mention the main point, which is that if she decides not to pay it back, because she obviously can't afford to, no document will be able to drudge up money that she doesn't have. It's essentially the equivalent of suing a person with no money. There's nothing to be gained. Besides that, it's your mother - I can't imagine you would ever take what little money she has left anyway.
My thoughts are like many others, which is that standing up to parents is probably one of the hardest things to do, but it sounds like you need to do just that. Explain to her that you've worked hard for what you have and that you are saving to make a life for yourself. A good mother would put your happiness and success in life above her own. If you feel incredibly guilty, you could do some research for her and give her some options maybe she hadn't thought of or didn't know about. Is there a way she could make money? Does she have any skills? Does she have a retirement account (not that that's a particularly great option either)? The point is that there are many options that aren't always clear or obvious, but you may be able to think of something.
Best of luck to you!0 -
If i were you, i would talk to your husband to be about it, regradless if he trust her or not, you don't want to start your life together with this hanging over you. after talking to him you can discuss the reasoning or stipulation of giving or not giving her the money.
Maybe falling to the homeless standard will make her grow up, usallay when we fall on are face our nature is to pick are self up, we are surviors by nature. I wouldn't worry your self about her she will find her way, especially if she is con artist and deceptive.
good luck to you in your weight lost , marriage and your realtionship with your MUM, God Bless.0 -
Well that is a hard decision to make. If you have had problems in the past and even present trusting your mom that does play a factor in your decision. Would she be able to get a loan from one of those credit loan places where she could make payments to them to pay it back with interest. That way she is kinda held accountable if she doesn't pay it back. Where if you lend her the money if she doesn't pay you back it may not affect her as much as if she didn't pay back a credit loan. I know those aren't the best places but sometimes you have to do what you have to do at the time.
I would really think twice before you lend her money. It could affect not only you but you and your fiance. Good luck though
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Your Mom is a grown up and she will not be homeless. You are enabling her by giving her the money and you will still be the parent. Tell her that unfortunately you can`t access the money for 6 months or more and she will have to figure this one out on her own
It`s called tough love and it is tough to do
This is excellent advice. As difficult as it is with family relationships, it is the best option. It really is.
I could not agree more
THIS...if this was a 'one off' thing where she was normally reliable and she'd just run into a bit of trouble - by all means. But, it sounds like she's a 'user' - I had a mom very similar - but instead of money, she was always guilting me into 'emotional' things - once I put my foot down, however, I felt MUCH better and she had to learn to figure out a few things on her own.
Best of luck - be strong and remember - you wouldn't let a friend treat you this way, why would you let a family member?0 -
What a horiible situation to be in!
Unfortunately, when you loan someone money, always consider it a gift not a loan, because you usually will not get it back. It sounds like you will not get it back based off your post.
She is the mother, not you....she is an adult. If she can't managed her money properly it is her fault, not yours. If you loan her money now, she will keep asking you for more and more...it is called enabling. She can go to her landlord and explain her situation and ask to make modify rent payments for a time period, she can look for a cheaper place to live, she can bring in a room mate....there are solutions availible to her that does not require her to borrow money from you.
You need to protect yourself and your future...don't put yourself into a situation that will cause more stress...if she gets angry with you over this than she is just usuing you....we can pick our friends, but cannot choose our family, but just because someone is family doesn't give them the right to treat you horribly....
Standing up to a parent is really hard....it is a difficult situation...but stand firm....you won't make her homeless, if she becomes homeless that is all her own doing...
^ This ^0 -
Please please please do NOT lend her the money!!! You are saving for something very important in your life, you wedding. The chances are that you mum will not pay this money back and that will only cause a further rift between you. Tell her you have already spent it as a deposit for your wedding and what ever is left is in joint names with your fiancé.
Good luck in dealing with this as family and money do not mix as I know from experience xx0 -
agreed , no way. lie if you have to tell her blew the money and don't have it any more. if shes in another country she won't know. at your stage in life where you are just starting out you don't need set backs, you have all sorts of things you need, education/traiing, house , wedding all those expensive things to set up in your 20's. So you don't end up like your mum!!!!!
Shes being selfish to ask she should know that.0 -
Sounds like you love your mum and don't want to leave her stranded but also you know full well that the chances are she won't pay you the money back.
I'd suggest you use a service like Lendingkarma.com
http://www.lendingkarma.com/product/karma-builder/?source=google&q=Circle lending&gclid=CKLRtdKK7q0CFULd4AodrHbz6g
They will take the legal aspects of the loan out of your hands and handle the interest rate and the repayments. Your mom gets your money, you get the best chance at being legitimately repaid, and you have legal recourse if you don't. If your mum does manage to make her repayments... it's win-win for both of you.0 -
You don'lt have to be active in someone's life to love them, let her live and learn. I did the same with my mother for years only to have her violently attack my family. I no longer speak to or will ever speak to her again.
My best advice, surround yourself with positive and let her go. Family isn't always blood and blood sometimes hurts.0 -
I know you are in between a rock and a hard place, however beware of making excuses to justify giving her something whether its money, jewelry or whatever. The relationship issues that she has were created by her not you or anyone else. These are her problems and she has fueled them continuously putting her in the situation she is in. it sounds like her brother already tried helping her by letting into the place that he owns but he has a business to run and I'm sure his own family to take care of. You may need to cut ties but you can try to talk to her about getting help but that's all you can do.
When she makes the decision to grow up and not rely on others like she has, then she will do it on her own with moral support, not financial. If she pawns off heirlooms then that is something she has to live with.
Also, as stressful as this is, this is bad for your health. Any kind of bad stress is bad. use this an opportunity to make yourself stronger emotionally, medically, and psychologically. You have a great fiance with you that just wants to protect you and y'alls soon to be family. YOu need to care for yourself, your fiance and any children you may have in the future.0 -
You can ask her for your omas' jewelry as collateral for the $1000.00 this way you kind of both win. If she doesn't pay you back at least you have something of value that is also sentimental I'm sure. From the sound of her history, she may have already pawned it to get out of a previous jam. Also you should not feel guilty, she tries to guilt you into getting what she needs by giving you sad stories. Yes she is your mother (and I have a similar one and I too try to give her the benefit of the doubt) but if she hasn't changed her ways by now, she never will. From my experience I doubt she feels guilt for anything she has put you through! In my Mom's world it's always everyone else's fault that she is in whatever situation arises and someone else's fault when she does something that affects me. I am almost 40 so I've grown quite tired of my mother and her lying ways- I suppose if I had money to throw around, I would give my mom what she needed but I don't and it doesn't sound like you do either. Good Luck0
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I am having a destination wedding and no one else is coming so won't be spending a lot as don't have a lot to begin with. I am not really a big wedding type of person anyways.
AHH..A destination wedding. How awesome! Don't risk your $. You would never get over the resentment if your mom blew that for you.0 -
Your best option: "Sorry Mom, but I don't have access to it." and that's it, period.
If you're really worried - corroborate her story with someone else - the brother, perhaps. Is money really the issue, or does he want her out for other reasons? He may be tired of her stuff, too!
Don't lend her ANYthing. If you feel strongly that you should do something to help, wire a couple hundred DIRECTLY to the landlord - but not to your mother. And that's it - tell them the coffer is empty. I would announced it is a gift, so's never to have to speak about it again. If it's a loan, that opens up a whole other can of worms to try to get it back.
Good luck .. and have an AWEsome wedding!0 -
My best advice is, when in doubt...Don't.0
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First, I am so sorry, that totally sucks having a tough relationship with any family member, let alone your mother.
Second, I haven't read all the other posts, but honey, you have to let her bear the weight of her choices. If she is in truly dire circumstances because of something completely outside of her control thats one thing, but if she cant manage her money by now then there is nothing you can do for her. Money isn't the problem, her life decisions are.
Third, if you feel compelled to help her, then do it with an open heart, and expect nothing back from her. Do what you can to forgive her for what she has done, and if you decide to send her some money (however much), forgive her in advance for not repaying you. Plain and simple, just don't expect it to come back. Its the only way to "lend" money to family without straining the relationship.0 -
dont do it keep it for your beautiful wedding!!!0
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Never loan more to a friend or family than you can afford not to get back. You are going to have to say no or it's never going to end. Tell her you won't loan the 1,000.00 to her because if for any reason she wasn't able to pay it back (not that she wouldn't want to) it would put you in a bind too. Tell her having to pay you back that big of an amount is going to be a burden on her later because her bills won't stop and it'll just add to her debt and hurt your relationship. Offer to give her a little as a gift if you feel guilty (and actually can) but leave it up to her to find a way to make the rest. Is there any way you can help her that isn't giving her money? Could you help her find a financial counselor, a second job, or a cheaper apartment? Offer and if she turns you down, she's only wanting your money, not your help.0
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I have a mother much like that! I completely understand your frustration. Just think of it this way... you're used to being the parent in the relationship, right? Well sometimes parents need to practice tough love. It sucks whether you're a child doing it to the parent or a parent doing it to a child, but sometimes you just need to let them fall down so they can learn.
Your wedding money is not money you "have" since it's already allocated. Unless you can just pull the cash out of your budget, you don't have any money.
As similar as your mother sounds to mine, I highly doubt she'll be homeless... I'm sure she will be able to talk her way into staying with someone. Mine would whine about it, make snide comments about how she hopes I enjoy my wedding since it's more important than family, and gain all kinds of sympathy from poor souls who have yet to meet the side of her I know all too well.
My advice is not to give it to her.
Good luck!0 -
I wouldnt loan it. 9 times out of 10 it goes bad when you "loan" money to friends or family. sure you can write out a contract but then YOU end up being the bad guy when you take them to court to get them to follow through with the contract. I would be straight with her. She wont be homeless. There are programs out there.. and you are not the only person she knows. and even churches help out if asked :-) good luck! i know how horrible it can be (we are in similar circumstances with my mother in law)0
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Been there, done that. Read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-No--Inspirio-Zondervan-Miniature/dp/0762421029/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1327682901&sr=1-1. Then read it again. You don't have the gift of a mother who taught you boundaries. You have to learn them on your own. She'll keep reaching into your life, your bank account, your marriage, etc. until you're able to draw the line. Good luck, Sweetie.0
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Kerce wrote earlier:
"I wouldnt lie to her, that makes you no better than her! Be straight with her and tell her you love her but you arent going to loan her the money because she needs to help herself for a change. I wouldnt even bring up the fact that you need it for your wedding. That isnt the issue, she needs to take care of herself and not depend on you all the time. You are just enabling her. Be honest and straight forward! Make sure that you tell her how much you love her and that is why you will not lend or give her the money! Here's hoping everything works out well for you both! Big hugs!"
You have been put into such a tough place - and there is lots of advice out there. I agree with Kerce that it is time to teach her some honesty, so you need to be honest about why you cannot give her this money. However, if this decision is going to hang over you, and wind you up with guilt, so that it spoils your wedding plans, you might need to agree with your fiance that you GIVE her $250 to help her out this time, but tell her never again. And others have suggested that you give it direct to your uncle for her rent, not to her, which makes a lot of sense.
At the end of the day, you have to evaluate your relationship with your mother, and you do need to emphasise that you love her, and will always love her, but your focus is now on making a new life with your fiance.
Good luck, and God bless!0
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