Should I offer weight advice to someone I haven't seen in 10

kwehkweh

In 8th grade I had to switch schools. The only person I knew was the most popular girl in that class and we only knew each other through our dads. She made a point to invite me to sit with her and her friends at lunch, invited me to social things, and tried to help me fit in. Because I didn't like my body image and hated myself I tried to push her away and refused to open myself up to her friends, instead claiming I hated "the populars". She still tried to be my friends.
Now that I'm an adult I look back and wish I had accepted her friendship instead of assuming she just felt bad for me.
My dad told me about a month ago that she had moved to Fort Worth when I did and that she was struggling with weight. I immediately friended her on facebook because he said she had wanted to get together with me since I've lost 90 lbs and she wants to lose weight. When I messaged her about it she didn't reply.
Today she had a post up about her paintings that are going to be in a gallery this weekend. Each on represents her struggle with weight. In her interview she refers to herself as the 50 ft woman who is awkward and huge and that she's always afraid she's so big she'll knock things over. I'm concerned because she used to be so confident and I don't want this weight gain to make her feel like less of a person.
How do I try to talk with her about still loving herself without overstepping boundaries between us that I created myself in high school? Or is it even my place to say anything to her? So far she's only really said thank you to me for saying happy birthday last week and other than that doesn't talk to me.

MinnieInMaine

You didn't elaborate much on what you said when you replied to her initial contact when she mentioned your weight loss. Did you tell her how you did it and that you were open to helping her and supporting her when she's ready?

If so, I'd say you already gave it a try and since you're not close and only barely talk on FB, it might come across wrong - it's hard to talk to some people about personal things over email or FB because tone isn't easily conveyed. The only exception to that would be if you started seeing her face to face (maybe invite her to join you for lunch somewhere healthy or invite her over for coffee?) where you can offer again if she brings it up. Could also be that she's one of those people that complain a lot about their weight problems and say they want to change but they really aren't ready. I've run across this several times both in real life and here...you can offer all the advice in the world but there's no guarrantee she'll take you up on it.

If you didn't offer assitance before then go ahead and bring it back up that she mentioned your weight loss before and you're willing to help if she's open to it.

rainbowbow

In my opinion you should never, EVER, EVER, talk to someone about their weight unless you are their physician. That is their business and even constructive criticism can completed destroy a relationship. (It's like sex... you just dont go there man)

If you want to give her a friendly "Hey you should join this community with me! its fun!" but even still that can be offensive. Kind of like a "hey, youre fat, maybe you need this".

I think you should maybe post about it on facebook and if she's interested she'll check it out. If not. Dont worry, her lifestyle is none of your business.

kwehkweh

maybe invite her to join you for lunch somewhere healthy or invite her over for coffee?)

I'm gonna do this and if the convo comes up it does, if not, I still get the chance to say thank you for being so nice to me when I was the new kid.

stubbysticks

Agree with the lunch/coffee idea, & not bringing up weight at all. Even though she mentioned to your dad she wanted to talk weight loss with you, now that she has the chance, she may not be ready. I've had a few people who were casual acquaintances message me on FB asking me what I've done & stuff, but most of them haven't really done much about it.

In general I don't bring it up, but if someone asks me about my weight loss, I'm happy to share what I've done, with a huge emphasis on the fact that I've worked my *kitten* off to make it happen. Beyond that, I don't want someone to feel awkward around me just because they're not doing what they should be to lose their excess weight, so I try to behave in a way that lets them know I'm not judging them for it. Like I said, I don't even bring it up.

Yet very often people who have broached the subject in the past & not taken action feel the need to explain themselves to me when they see me next, lol.

Lesa_Sass

I work with people that suffer from addiction, this is how I would do it.

I would message her and tell her that you read her interview and about her struggles with weight. You too had the exact same issues with weight and have managed to lose 90 lbs, if she would like to know how you did it, you would be happy to share that with her.

Then go on to tell her how what she did when you were young means so much to you and you will never forget it, and you wanted to thank her for being so nice to you, especially at an age where kids are not exactly nice to each other.

End the message with offering to get together over coffee (she may have fear over a request for a meal) and catch up.

Leave it there. You may not hear back from her, but please do not take it personal. She may not be ready to give up what she know she will have to in order to be healthy. Its sort of like an alcoholic, they do not want hangovers but do not want to stop drinking.haha

Good luck and I hope you get to share your experience with her. The thing I have found is that if I do not say something and that person dies, then I feel guilty the rest of my life. If I do say something and they are offended, then all they are is mad, not dead. And I have found that 99% of the time, they come back asking for help.