Saying no as a dinner guest

kfox15

I just came back from a dinner party where I totally killed my calorie goal and needless to say, I don't feel that great about it. I ate fine with the meal because (thank goodness) they had some delicous veggies so I passed on the cream ladden chicken dish but then dessert came. I didn't really want/need dessert but every other person there asked for it, when it came to me I was just too embarrased to say no because of the following thought progresssion:
"If I say no, everyone will wonder why. They'll probably assume that I'm tyring to lose weight and then they will proceed to evaluate if I do or not in their opinion so I'll spend the rest of the evening feeling like everyone is weighing me with their eyes."

The host offered us pie and ice cream and I asked for just ice cream thinking that I could be okay with that. But....the host gave me literally 1.5 cups of super rich ice cream probably because everyone else had a slice of pie and ice cream. And so, once again not having the confidence to refuse, I just ate it and now I feel terrible.

I'm not necessarily that upset about this one food choice but rather my weakenss in social eating settings. I am super good with food when I am on my own and in control of exactly what I make but when someone else cooks I find myself getting anxious because I don't know exactly what is there and I'm too ashamed to ask. I realize this is coming up more often as I develop my own "eating style". I visited my parents recently and had to explain to them why I don't eat red meat anymore and then listen to them debate over my size for a 1/2 hour. I have to find excuses for my friends as to why I skip a second glass of wine or pass on the cookies they brought to class.

So, my question for you all is, do you ever get embarrased about saying no to food that you can't eat? Do you have the same thought progression I do? If so, how do you deal with it?

breeanreyes

This is a tough one, i was brought up to eat what others feed you and it's rude if you don't. Unfortunately that's really not healthy... Instead of being ashamed of making healthy choices, you should embrace it and be proud of it!! if someone asks you why, just tell them you're trying to cut back on sugar/eat more veggies/etc instead of having to say something about your weight. Or just simply say you're full... I guarantee those people aren't giving nearly as much thought to why you aren't eating something as you think And 9 times out of 10 you won't even offend your hostess! You can also pull the hostess aside before the meal and explain what you're doing so he/she understands, hope this helps! and don't feel guilty about tonight, just view it as a learning experience and jump back on the wagon tomorrow!

rileysowner

No. For that matter I have no issue leaving food on my plate which is the other option if someone serves me too much.

RonSwanson66

Depends on how often you're in this situation.

If it's infrequent, don't worry at all. Just eat whatever is offered. A single high-calorie night won't make a bit of difference overall (and may even be beneficial, both physiologically and psychologically).


If more frequent, just eat less during the day and/or week leading up to the event. This way you can enjoy the social event while still meeting your overall caloric goals.

Natihilator

I visited my parents recently and had to explain to them why I don't eat red meat anymore and then listen to them debate over my size for a 1/2 hour. I have to find excuses for my friends as to why I skip a second glass of wine or pass on the cookies they brought to class.

So, my question for you all is, do you ever get embarrased about saying no to food that you can't eat? Do you have the same thought progression I do? If so, how do you deal with it?

Well, not everyone will react like your parents, for sure. I would say, try to keep it short, casual and honest when refusing food. "Thanks, but I'm trying to cut back on (sweets, alchohol, red meat, etc.)" You don't even have to actually say the word "no". Be prepared that you're going to face these situations, and keep your willpower strong. Eating healthy to lose weight doesn't have to be some big secret, and if anyone reacts negatively it's probably because you've reminded them of their own bad eating habits and they're projecting that guilt back to you.

Don't make a big show of it, and in most cases they won't either

ninerbuff

I'll be flat out honest. I DON'T invite any friends of mine who are "clean only" eaters to any parties or get togethers to save them from embarrassment and because I don't want to have to cater to their needs nor do I want them to bring their own food. If we do want to get together, I'll eat "clean" just so we can hang out on at places they prefer.

A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
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Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

Pandorian

You just say have to say no sometimes. It's not easy the first few times, my gf's parents seem to thrive on feeding everyone that comes to visit, they both have dietary restrictions but keep the junk around to feed to the kids when they come visiting. I took stuff at the start but then I started to decline and they've stopped pushing the stuff so much. They just know unless I come for dinner I don't intend to eat all kinds and I may take a tiny slice of dessert but don't load me up.

pucenavel

As a recovering alcoholic, I often find myself having to turn down offers for drinks.

I have a list of 100 ways to say no.

I can offer about 60 of them before I get to the ones that would offend anyone.

There's no harm in saying, "no thank you". There's no offense in saying, "I'll pass tonight, but thank you for the offer."

Elizabeth_C34

Just eat smaller portions. You don't have to clear your plate every time you eat.

It would be a little rude to no accept the whole meal. Turning down a handful of items is different than not eating anything offered

If it's infrequent that you are in this situation, just eat a bit of everything and don't clear your plate. If it's more often, just be more selective about what you accept and plan for it with your calorie allotment for the day.

leenites

I think the problem with me is twofold:

1. It's hard to say no.
2. It's even harder to leave food unfinished!!!!!

I was brought up to the notion of "Don't waste your food. Eat all of them! Farmers work real hard to produce this one grain." O.o
So if anyone put a lot of food on my plate, it becomes very difficult for me to control the portion. =(

Micheller1210

Refuse with a compliment, Wow dinner was so good I didn't save any room for desert, ...its ok not much of a sweet tooth anyways but thank you for the offer. I cant eat like I use too...then go into some lame story of how when you were a teen you could put it away..

kfox15

Hi again all,
Thanks so much for your comments so far, great suggestions. I don't think I really articulated my concern very well though...What I was trying to get at is trying to understand why I am so embarrassed about my healthy food choices and restrictions. It's not just things like dinner parties, I hide my use of MFP from almost everyone, I literally look over my shoulder if I'm logging on my phone in public. I feel super uncomfortable when someone comments when I refuse something or take extra time to make a choice because I'm trying to do a quick calorie check in my head. I really don't understand this feeling, I mean shouldn't I be excited about making good choices and proud not embarrassed? I've been sucessfull so far (I'm down 32 from my heaviest at 180 (about 5 years ago) and 11 from my 3 year steady of 168, but as I continue to make more and more changes that people notice I just feel more self conscious...
I don't mean to sound whiny but this is something that I'm really internally struggling with.
So, how to you find that confidene to be public about your struggle with weight and your commitment to being healthy? I don't feel the need to be announce to the world that Hey I'm eating clean and you should know! but I need to get over this wierd "secrecy" about trying my best to stay on the right path.

Elizabeth_C34

Hi again all,
Thanks so much for your comments so far, great suggestions. I don't think I really articulated my concern very well though...What I was trying to get at is trying to understand why I am so embarrassed about my healthy food choices and restrictions. It's not just things like dinner parties, I hide my use of MFP from almost everyone, I literally look over my shoulder if I'm logging on my phone in public. I feel super uncomfortable when someone comments when I refuse something or take extra time to make a choice because I'm trying to do a quick calorie check in my head. I really don't understand this feeling, I mean shouldn't I be excited about making good choices and proud not embarrassed? I've been sucessfull so far (I'm down 32 from my heaviest at 180 (about 5 years ago) and 11 from my 3 year steady of 168, but as I continue to make more and more changes that people notice I just feel more self conscious...
I don't mean to sound whiny but this is something that I'm really internally struggling with.
So, how to you find that confidene to be public about your struggle with weight and your commitment to being healthy? I don't feel the need to be announce to the world that Hey I'm eating clean and you should know! but I need to get over this wierd "secrecy" about trying my best to stay on the right path.

There's no reason to be embarassed about it at all, but I think generally, people aren't going to want you lecture about it. If they ask, then say, "I use this app to track my food intake to maintain my weight and health." and leave it be unless they inquire further.

Congrats on your loss!

Natihilator

Hi again all,
Thanks so much for your comments so far, great suggestions. I don't think I really articulated my concern very well though...What I was trying to get at is trying to understand why I am so embarrassed about my healthy food choices and restrictions. It's not just things like dinner parties, I hide my use of MFP from almost everyone, I literally look over my shoulder if I'm logging on my phone in public. I feel super uncomfortable when someone comments when I refuse something or take extra time to make a choice because I'm trying to do a quick calorie check in my head. I really don't understand this feeling, I mean shouldn't I be excited about making good choices and proud not embarrassed? I've been sucessfull so far (I'm down 32 from my heaviest at 180 (about 5 years ago) and 11 from my 3 year steady of 168, but as I continue to make more and more changes that people notice I just feel more self conscious...
I don't mean to sound whiny but this is something that I'm really internally struggling with.
So, how to you find that confidene to be public about your struggle with weight and your commitment to being healthy? I don't feel the need to be announce to the world that Hey I'm eating clean and you should know! but I need to get over this wierd "secrecy" about trying my best to stay on the right path.

Ahh, I get what you're saying now, I used to struggle with the same thing. I lost around 40 lbs as a teenager and it turned from healthy eating and exercise into an eating disorder. I hated whenever anyone would notice and comment that I lost weight, when usually you would assume one would feel proud. I just didn't want anyone noticing, and I think that's because I was sort of in denial about a lot of things - how big I was before I lost the weight, about my eating disorder, etc. I didn't want the attention on me because I didn't know how to deal with it.

Now that was my own experience, your situation could be completely different. I think that actively losing weight means showing the people around you that you are fixing a flaw (for lack of a better word) about yourself, but nevertheless, you are revealing that this flaw exists in the first place, and even though it may be obvious, it can still be hard to be open about. It's hard for everyone to admit their flaws sometimes. Remember that losing weight can also be mental, and not just a physical adjustment too. Now that I've stopped with my disordered eating and thinking, and I've accepted where I'm at with my weight now (I couldn't step on a scale for about 8 months out of fear of that number) and honest with myself, I can't wait for people to notice my weight loss and healthier eating habits.

kalepowered

Either just eat smaller portions, or say any of the multitude of polite "no" responses: I'm full, no thank you, I'm watching ____, etc. Very few people will actually press the matter beyond a "you sure?"

On say, a dessert, if you want to be up front about it it's also simple enough to just say "no thanks, I'm trying to watch my sugar" or "that looks delicious, but I'm cutting down on sweets." If people do press you on that, you can say it's for health rather than shouting "HEY I'M TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT EVERYBODY." You shouldn't feel embarrassed about working to lose weight, and if people give you flak they probably have some major insecurities of their own but won't address them (whereas you are addressing & working on yours!).

kfox15

I think that actively losing weight means showing the people around you that you are fixing a flaw (for lack of a better word) about yourself, but nevertheless, you are revealing that this flaw exists in the first place, and even though it may be obvious, it can still be hard to be open about. It's hard for everyone to admit their flaws sometimes. Remember that losing weight can also be mental, and not just a physical adjustment too.

Wow, that is exactly how I feel!! I never thought of it that way but you're totally right. It really is a feeling of vulnerability rather than embarassment. It Thanks so much for this insight!

Aliciaaah

I JUST had this situation last night. It was one of my best friends birthday. We went to a barbeque place and I was all good with it. I ate light as normal during the day, and exercised so I could eat like 550 more calories if I needed to. I was planning on eating a salad, or a salmon dish (I've been wanting to try salmon, but with dishes like these the temptation is in getting yummy fatty sides). When we got there everyone decided on getting the big family style platter. This was ribs and bbq chicken with mashed potatoes, sweet potato fries (my favorite) and potato salad. So many potatoes!! I tried to do good by ordering a side salad to curb the temptation. Then I ate a biscuit, one beef rib, one baby back rib, and a chicken thigh without the skin. The trouble came when I decided to just try the sides. I had a bit of the mashed potatoes. But the sweet potato fries were the best I ever had and I had two small-medium servings. I was only just over my calories (and I even tried to over estimate some things) but I felt horrible because I haven't really passed a social eating test yet.. I WILL do it next time!

As far as saying no, I've already decided that if dessert is being offered, I will just say that I'm stuffed. That way I'm saving myself the calories, and it doesn't seem like I'm dieting, because I just supposedly stuffed myself. I have no problem cutting portions in most cases (except the sweet potato fries!) and choosing healthier options. I know no one is examining my every bite, but the pressure is still there.

I love this post because I'm hesitant to let anyone know I'm trying at all to lose weight. Over the summer I tried really hard to lose weight, and got almost no results. I'm really sensitive to failure. I don't live near my friends or family (I moved for college) which I see as a HUGE plus, because there is less temptation AND because they don't see me often so if I have results over a month, they'll hopefully be the first to notice the change.

We do have to keep in mind though that one night won't kill us!! I try to reassure myself all the time, and just work out so much harder the next day!

psmd

"Thanks but I'M JUST SO FULL! Everything was sooooo good! How did you make the "xxxx?" (change subject)

Not that hard!!!

Natihilator

I think that actively losing weight means showing the people around you that you are fixing a flaw (for lack of a better word) about yourself, but nevertheless, you are revealing that this flaw exists in the first place, and even though it may be obvious, it can still be hard to be open about. It's hard for everyone to admit their flaws sometimes. Remember that losing weight can also be mental, and not just a physical adjustment too.

Wow, that is exactly how I feel!! I never thought of it that way but you're totally right. It really is a feeling of vulnerability rather than embarassment. It Thanks so much for this insight!

Glad I could help! I've realized I am a perfectionist who is way too hard on myself, and naturally that applied to my weight loss journey, and having people see me 'under construction" not as easy thing. I wish you the best of luck with your weight loss, and overcoming any negative feelings about it!

pucenavel

...and the truth shall set you free....

Why be embarrassed that you want to be healthier, that you want to live longer, that you want to feel good about yourself? Tell 'em what and why you're doing it, and if they don't like it, that's THEIR problem, not yours.