Sociological discussion on remaining single for a long time

Neize

I have been single for several years mostly by choice. I am happy being with me which I think is healthier than just settling for whoever (or whatever) comes along. I often wonder how others view that, although I usually don't care. I would rather be content alone than miserable with someone else. I see others in unhappy relationships but put up with it just so they aren't alone. If the right person comes along then I will explore that route but until then I am happy being me!

I could have wrote this myself! This have been my life for the last 7+ years.

MomsTooBig

I'm single, and have been for a while, but I don't view myself as defective. I don't really like being single. I'm a quiet guy and have a hard time meeting people, but that is a personality trait and not a defect.

This is one of the issues I find myself in, and I feel the same way.

It's too bad you're so far away!

Tracy

elysecea

There is nothing wrong with being single! It just means you are comfortable enough with yourself and you dont need someone all the time to help define you! Being single is a sign of strength in my eyes! I was single for a loooong time. Also being with someone is supposed to compliment you not make you...you should be with someone that adds to who are! Not your total existence!

Okieace

I was single most of my life. I went on the rare date from time to time but I just could never find anyone I could connect with. I wasn't looking for dates, I was looking for my mate. I went as long as two years without even go on as much as a date. Last year I finally met her, I found my first girlfriend and married her six months later.

I had friends who thought I was way crazy. But I'm crazy blessed, I truly found my perfect match. I don't think it would of been possible without taking my time and being picky.

I see friends who bounce around from one relationship to the next just looking for someone to be with so they don't have to be alone. Time and again they find themselves in a messy and bad relationship, their world falls apart, they pick up the pieces, spend a month single, then run out and repeat the process again.

If you are happy being single, stay single. If you aren't happy being single, I think it is best you learn. Wait for the right one, the person truly worth your time and attention.

raiderrodney

I'm in the same boat as I've been single for the most part since my divorce six years ago. I'm just a LOT pickier than I've ever been. I know what I want and don't want any less. After being married to someone and being in a bad situation with the wrong person it pays to be I see so many people come out of marriages and then jump right back in with the first person they date....not me lol

wickedcricket

hello! I thought I was the only one. I was 12 years between 2 BAD marriages. I don't even know the answer to that, something I will NEVER attempt again while there is breath in my body. I've lived alone since 2009 and plan to for life.
While that might not work for everyone, it does for me. Is there something wrong with me? not from MY perspective. I agree, being with just ANYONE to avoid being alone is wrong.
I don't care what ANYONE thinks of my lifestyle- THEY don't live in my skin, I DO

friend me if you like - I'm getting into this fitness thing

dlw28

I've been single since my divorce 9 years too and I don't consider myself defective in any way, shape form! I have dated sporadically and had a few short term relationships (less than 6 months) throughout those years but once I realize that he isn't the one I want to move forward with, then I move on. I'd rather be single than be with the wrong person. I know people who cannot be alone and always seem to have a new "flavor of the week" and that's just not how I work.

I have a very fulfililng life with my friends, my work, my god children, and just doing the things in life that I want to do. In the past I have tried dating websites when I get the urge to start dating and then I would get so busy, I would forget to check my messages for a week! So I've just decided that I will meet the right person when the time is right and if I don't... my life is pretty awesome just the way it is.

savlyon

Dating sucks.

I could go pick someone up this weekend if I wanted just to not be alone, but I think that sucks. Also I think that people who are afraid of being alone more easily end up in bad relationships because they flock to whoever wants to give them attention and then end up with a person who is abusive and they can't get out (and then they rant that there are no good guys/women). In my 20s I did this. I don't want this now.

I get lonely. Sometimes it gets pretty bad, but I think when I compare being lonely but not stuck with being in a relationship with someone I don't want to be with... I realize that lonely wins.

I just resent people assuming that there is something wrong with me as a person because I'm not hooked up and go long stretches of time between dates.

Note: I'm not saying that my goal is to die alone, I'm saying that if I don't really connect with a woman, that I don't want to waste my time just so I'm getting some and not alone until someone better comes along. I see that happen to people all the time and I kind of feel that that is a shade evil.

I'm not sure what you mean by "single" ("I don't date"? Or "I haven't met that someone special yet but I date"?), but let's put it this way the odds of meeting someone "special" with who you connect are higher if you actually attempt to connect with more people.

However, I agree with the initial quote: "dating sucks", so it's such a drag that being single/not dating is easier...

Sorry for the miscommunication. From where I come from people intermingle "in a relationship" with "dating" so it has unfortunately blended in my lexicon as well.

By single I mean I'm not in a committed relationship with anyone. However, I don't "date" often either. Last year I saw two people for a short period of time.

You are right, connecting with people is key, and that's something in my own life I have to figure out since most of my activities, work, etc... are 95% male driven and women in general are a very rare thing in my life (the majority of my interaction with women comes from places like this online)

I would echo these definitions of single and dating. Dating kind of has a double meaning. If I am in a serious, committed relationship with someone I would call that "dating." However I also call the process of going out on multiple dates with different people dating...two very different things.

I also agree that the "man" world and the "woman" world seem to be separate. My job has a larger percentage of women than men. When I go to the gym, there tends to be more women than men, all other groups or associations I have SEEM to have more women than men. Where are the men? What do they do? Sit at home and play video games all day? Because they don't seem to EXIST??!???!?!!!

MsTanya77

I have been single by choice for four years because after I rededicated my life to God, I chose to remain single until He sends my husband. In the time I have been single, I have had to opportunity to work on alot of qualities that would prob be detrimental to a relationship. It has helped me to get to know me better. It has helped me to really take to time to examine myself and see what not only what I want in a mate, but what I NEED in a mate. Many people don't stay single long enough to know what they want and need in a relationship and they keep moving from one disaster to the next. What people don't realize is, when they move from one realtionship to the next, they actually end up more and more empty, than if they were just alone. There are SOOOOO many perks to being single:

1. I live an unscheduled life. I can come and go as much as I want, without having to check in w/ anyone or leave a note, or get approval.

2. I don't have to cook if I don't want to! I can eat a bowl cereal and crash at 7pm if I want.

3. When I want quiet time I can have QUIET TIME. On my couch, in PEACE AND QUIET.

4. I can have all the guy friends I want without someone getting upset.

5. I can wear my hair, clothes and make up the way I want without making sure it's pleasing to someone else.

6. I don't have to argue and get mad w/ someone and still live in the same house w/ with them.

7. I can go out to eat wherever I want, and go watch whatever movies I want without having to agree w/ someone on where to go and what to watch.

I think the reason most ppl are so uncomfortable being single is because they allow the media to make the believe that unless they are with someone they are not complete or fulfilled. Fulfillment doesn't come from relationships as many married people are lonely and unfulfilled WITH someone.

MsTanya77

I have been single by choice for four years because after I rededicated my life to God, I chose to remain single until He sends my husband. In the time I have been single, I have had to opportunity to work on alot of qualities that would prob be detrimental to a relationship. It has helped me to get to know me better. It has helped me to really take to time to examine myself and see what not only what I want in a mate, but what I NEED in a mate. Many people don't stay single long enough to know what they want and need in a relationship and they keep moving from one disaster to the next. What people don't realize is, when they move from one realtionship to the next, they actually end up more and more empty, than if they were just alone. There are SOOOOO many perks to being single:

1. I live an unscheduled life. I can come and go as much as I want, without having to check in w/ anyone or leave a note, or get approval.

2. I don't have to cook if I don't want to! I can eat a bowl cereal and crash at 7pm if I want.

3. When I want quiet time I can have QUIET TIME. On my couch, in PEACE AND QUIET.

4. I can have all the guy friends I want without someone getting upset.

5. I can wear my hair, clothes and make up the way I want without making sure it's pleasing to someone else.

6. I don't have to argue and get mad w/ someone and still live in the same house w/ with them.

7. I can go out to eat wherever I want, and go watch whatever movies I want without having to agree w/ someone on where to go and what to watch.

I think the reason most ppl are so uncomfortable being single is because they allow the media to make the believe that unless they are with someone they are not complete or fulfilled. Fulfillment doesn't come from relationships as many married people are lonely and unfulfilled WITH someone.

Also, with V-day coming up, I don't have to expect a gift from someone and then not receive anything and be disappointed!!!

felice03

<----defective

there is nothing wrong with being single and not settling for anything less than what you want. I settled when i married my ex and WILL NEVER do that again. It made me a miserable, unhappy, depressed person. In the months that that relationship has been over I have found happiness again, and that has nothing to do with being with or with out someone. Now, with that being said, do I hope to find someone? absolutely! But do not need that to fulfill or define me.

azlady7

nope....never defective. I see someone who doesnt run around from relationship to relationship as someone with higher self esteem, committed to oneself (as in being ok with being alone and enriching themselves in other ways), if they have kids then they are making sure their kids hearts are protected from potential heart break.

In todays society people push so hard to find 'the one' and feel incomplete without a significant other, and while I understand how that feels and dont blame them, they rush into so many meaningless relationships and give yet another piece of themselves away. There is nothing wrong with choosing to be single, even for long periods. It just means that you value yourself and others since you wont put yourself or others through pointless relationships just because your lonely.

Speaking from a womans point of view I am more concerned with a man who changes wives or long-term girlfriends like underwear, not someone who is single because they want to wait for the right woman. That shows substance

pattiwaterbury

Defective? Not at all. You have standards and morals and there is nothing wrong with that. I've been married twice and single for over 10 years now. I was miserable and lonely being married to the wrong guy. I'm taking this time to get to know who I really am and what really matters to me. I've gone back to school, advanced in my career and have done anything and everything I have wanted (except race car driving!). You can't love someone until you love yourself. Sure I'm lonely sometimes but I don't feel alone. I have friends and family and hobbies to occupy me. Yes there are days I'm sad that I didn't get to have the American dream of the hubby, house and 2.2 kids. But since there is no guarantee I'd be happy if I did have all that, I chose to be happy with what I do have.

Keep your chin up. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about your life and choices.

kaikoi47

I just got out of a 3 year relationship. And let me tell you, i LOVED him. Oh my Goddess whom i am devoted to, i wanted to marry that boy, but when it was over i found my health at stake. in this stance, i took a step back and decided NO DATING! I will go out, I will Hang out. i will mingle and be kind, but i will NEVER be in a serious, intimate, committed, relationship with another human being, until i have obtained all my degrees, and i'm in the position i wish to be in within my career. Yes i am young, and i have heard plenty of times "you will find someone", and the saying "oh you can't help the way you feel". May i say these statements are an epic fail?

first of all, you can avoid someone. by doing so, you can diminish any feelings you have for them. Also, if you feel anything, you can cut that person off quickly. Another thing, if you want to keep away from relationship, just don't want one. People can push and push but as long as your strong and you know what you do not want, and will not put up with until you feel it's right, then you won't' be forced into it.

I also decided not to be in a relationship because...males around my age group are looking to have fun, while when i am ready to date, i'm looking for a mate; a commitment. There are few males that are ready for it. Those that are, and for the women who found them CONGRATS! but for the rest of us that watch our friends jump from guy to guy because they guy screwed up and now the girl is insecure, is...disheartening. Hm, i am ranting, sorry.

But all in all, i decided it's best to be single. I decided this because i learn from others mistakes. I will not do what others have done, and one of those being jumping into meaningless relationships when i know i am not ready. I also will give my body to no one because it is my temple. it is mine to take care of for no one else will. Because i am doing this, i am disrespected by many males because, as stated, they are out for fun. so if they can make you feel bad and get what they want and leave, they are (some/most of the time, alright with it) i am not saying this is all guys. but just the ones i have seen. so yeah ether way, being single is fine. as long as it's your choice and not because your being forced to be. it's all about CHOICE!

cds2001

I've had one boyfriend from senior year through college (5 years). We broke up and I haven't dated since. I'm now about to turn 36. I wouldn't say that I was defective. But, that's a long time. So maybe I am.:ohwell: Personally I would say that I'm smart. Ever so often I'll get lonely, but the days I love to be alone rather than having a house full of people to come home to greatly outweighs the lonely days.

You'd have to ask the people around me what the problem is. I just know that I haven't been asked out since I became single and I would NEVER ask a guy out. That would be embarrassing.

theome

iv been single for over 4 years and do not see it changing any time soon, and maybe avg 1 date a year if that over that amount of time. I find it harder and harder to date people the longer i am single- i find i put up with less. On the other hand- i do get very lonely. People have often comment that i no longer know how to connect with others on a more personal level because of this. So yea, people see me as defective i guess.

LaDiablesse

I know a lot of people that just need to be with someone to feel complete regardless of how functional or dysfunctional the relationship. My feelings on it are that it's more responsible to be single & not settle than to compromise yourself & your feelings simply to avoid being alone. It avoids that drama that happens during the relationship & when that "something better" comes along & you have to go through the break-up, and everything that's involved.

Poetic_

I've been single forever, but I've never really cared. Been living in my own little world doing my own thing and never really thought about it. I'd probably have zero idea what to do in a relationship, but I'm sure I'll find someone eventually down the road. No rush.

whitetiger011680

I've been divorced for 4 years and have only dated one guy for a few months during that time. I don't think I'm defective. Most of the time I really like being single just because my schedule is crazy and I don't have to worry about adding anyone other than me and my kids. But then there are times that I'm lonely and long for a companion. I wan to have a long commited relationship but have not found the right one and will not rush into anything just say I'm not single. I'm sure it will happen one day, but in the mean time I'm just going to keep taking care my own life and be happy with it the way it is.

:drinker: Cheers to being happy...single or not

Shrinking_Xtina

Being single used to bother me a lot when I was bigger because I always felt I couldn't find anyone because of my weight (got some male attention but not much or long lasting haha) also others questioned my sexual orientation often which was annoying. Now that I've lost weight and am just focusing on myself, I find I get more attention from men but it doesn't even give me the "happiness" I thought it would because so far the guys I've come across just annoy/bore me.

I'm not saying that I think all men are the same and that I don't ever want a relationship, however, I've come to realize that finding someone right for you depends on more than just your looks so even though I can have someone if I wanted, I want to make sure I'm with someone I can actually connect with. That said, I'd rather be alone than be with someone who I don't connect with, that would just make me feel even more alone.

Roshams

Not at all!!

I was single most of my life. Had many interests, however, I wasn;t interested in someone fake, or someone who would hold me back.
Finally met someone 3 years ago this month that blew me away...Real from day one, no BS, and funny as all heck!
Glad I waited and wasn;t stuck in a crappy relationship when I met her.

I will never understand people that are chronic daters and are terrified to be alone, jumping from one bad relationship to the next. To me, they are the ones that clearly have something wrong with them, and should really work on their insecurities

kaikoi47

I know a lot of people that just need to be with someone to feel complete regardless of how functional or dysfunctional the relationship. My feelings on it are that it's more responsible to be single & not settle than to compromise yourself & your feelings simply to avoid being alone. It avoids that drama that happens during the relationship & when that "something better" comes along & you have to go through the break-up, and everything that's involved.

THANK YOU! i completely agree. i tell the girls at my college this all the time, but who am i but a SINGLE woman, who wants success over fake feelings, and intentions that are not on my TO DO list.

kaikoi47

Not at all!!

I was single most of my life. Had many interests, however, I wasn;t interested in someone fake, or someone who would hold me back.
Finally met someone 3 years ago this month that blew me away...Real from day one, no BS, and funny as all heck!
Glad I waited and wasn;t stuck in a crappy relationship when I met her.

I will never understand people that are chronic daters and are terrified to be alone, jumping from one bad relationship to the next. To me, they are the ones that clearly have something wrong with them, and should really work on their insecurities

>_< THANK YOU! there are intelligent individuals in this world that realize there is something WRONG if you are insecure and need someone to make you secure within yourself and then badmouth those that want to be single to fix themselves and understand what they need and therefore will not accept from people.

MinnieInMaine

I've been on both ends of the spectrum... When I was a teenager, I was a serial dater. Boyfriend after boyfriend that I thought I "loved" but pretty much was just infatuated with for a few months then I moved on to someone new who gave me that thrill all over again. After too much of that (especially once sex was part of the picture), I realized it really wasn't for me. I wanted someone in my life who would keep me interested and to be that best friend/partner for life. So I took a couple years off from the whole dating scene and just as the statistics will tell you, when I was ready to start getting out there again, that's when my hubby popped into the picture. Strange but true!

The only problem I think I'd have with being single again would be living alone. At least before I met hubby I had roommates and plenty of single friends/co-workers to hang out with. I'd probably move south to be closer to my besties at least.

i_love_vinegar

I've been single for around 1 year...while i dream of true love, I don't really care whether I'm single or in a relationship...both have pros and cons...I'm not trying to sound arrogant, but in comparison to my younger self, I think it takes a more mature person to be able to see life from a perspective where there is nothing wrong with being single and being in a relationship isn't the be-all end-all.

I was going to date this guy from my school because he is gorgeous, but realized there isn't much else there. I feel it is better now, keeping my options open. When the right guy comes around, I'll know. And if he doesn't, so be it! :glasses:

JamieSK

I was 41 when I got married for the 1st time...there certainly is/was nothing wrong with me; I wanted to find the right person and I certainly didn't settle. My husband and our relationship was worth the wait; it's better than I could have ever imagined.

Like I read from someone else's post...lowering your standards doesn't make you happy or make your problems go away. My husband and I were both happy people and brought that to our relationship. Some people are so desperate to have a relationship they'll compromise their integrity just to have one which ends up making them miserable in the long run.

Some people just use other people until someone else comes along which I believe is pathetic...