Advise from overweight parents with young children

Daneece

Really I would love advise from anyone.

Here's my problem. My daughters teacher called me yesterday to talk about something that was going on with my daughter. So today I picked Mallory up from her classroom to talk to her teacher. She told me that this week at school my daughter has been coming back to class from recess crying. She said at first Mallory would say that she missed me. Today Mallory told her that some of the 2nd graders were teasing her telling her that her mom was fat. It doesn't bother me because I know I am working on it and Mallory knows I am but she is young and protective of her mommy's feelings so it hurts her. What can I say to her to help her deal with this. I told her that they just don't know any better and to ignore them. I told her it doesnt hurt my feelings when they say that and told her that i love her and appreciated that she stood up for me. Now her teacher is going to be talking to the duty aid and we told Mallory if it happens again that she needs to tell the duty aid and that she needs to say who was doing it. My daughter is in first grade and gets bullied because she is so caring about everything. Is it just time to move her to a different school? I dont want her to continually be faced with a bully and have it mentally mess her up. So please any advise is appreciated so much! Thank you!

onmyway31

I don't think you should change her school, a new school might just have new bullies. It's so hard when you wear your heart on your sleeve, sounds like your daughter does. I am the same way, I am just too nice and in-turn some people like to take advantage of that until I learned to put my foot down. When something is going on at school tell her to tell the teacher or aid. I think you are doing the right things, Just keep an eye on it. Best Wishes

deniserenee_02

See if she wants to join Martial Arts that teaches them strength not only with the body, but with the mind.

mixedfeelings

I'm afraid I haven't got any advice, although I would suggest keeping her in the school for the time being.

I just felt compelled to comment though, I mean I think it's shocking that this is what we've come to? I'm sure nothing was as nasty as this when I was younger but then maybe I was just in a bubble. It's nasty and I would hope the parents of the children making those comments would explain to their kids what they are saying is unacceptable. Do you know if the parents have been involved?

MissConfidence

I think switching schools can have a negative effect on your daughter, even though your best intentions are there. It may teach her to run away from problems in life. I think you should tell her there's no reason she should be offended by these kids because they don't know you and how hard you're trying to change your lifestyle for the better. Teach your daughter that some kids, and later some adults, are naturally going to tease or dwell on the negativity but that she shouldn't and she should ignore them because they are simply trying to get a reaction out of her - and are succeeding. Tell her it's natural to feel hurt by what they're saying but she shouldn't show it to them, she should just find other friends to play with. In time they will (unfortunately) pick on someone else once they see your daughter doesn't react to them... Hope this helps. No kids for me (yet, pregnant w/ first now!) but studied childhood education and had a lot of in class experience in Chicago public schools.

onmyway31

It's sad because times have changed. Some people are training their kids to do and say whatever they want with no sensor of the mouth. I've seen it first hand. It's like they train these kids for combat and they go to school and are bullies. Parents not involved in the kids life and rather happy that their child isn't the one being bullied...smh Kids these days are mean and cruel. I've had to nip some bullying in the bud a few times.

MotorCityFemmeFatale

I'm shocked to.

I think you are doing the right thing. As an adult I actually confront bullies. When I hear a rude comment I ask them why they would say something so mean to me? Catches them off guard. However, I'm not sure it would work for that age group. She would probably get a "because" as an answer :grumble: Sounds like you are a great Mom, I don't hear parents caring enough to do anything these days.

onmyway31

Sometimes ignoring doesn't work. I always tell my kids if someone hits you then you hit them back, my kids will not be a punching bag for some brat that isn't being parented at home.

melonsss

Hi, I am sorry that your child is being bullied, it is a concern for every parent. Only you can make the choice to change schools. I have two co-workers whose teenage children are badly bullied. One changed schools and it was the best decision, the other has not changed schools, and the despiair and pain of my co-worker is heartbreaking becasue her son is bullied daily but the school does not do anything about it.. The way in which the school handles the situation is vital, my nephew was badly bullied between age of 9/10 when my sister raised concerns the head teacher stated bullying did not exist in her school!!!!. In the end action was taken because he was hospitalised for bowel problems which a doctor regonised as being symptomatic of bullying (the doctor's child also developed bowel problems due to bullying). In the end the school took action by naming and shaming the culprit in assembly.My nephew is now aged 21, and to this day he is still distressed by the experience.
I guess you need to ascertain if another school would be better for your daughter and/or if the school she presently atends is handling the situation appropriately.
Someone suggested martial arts for your daughter, and i think that is a very good idea. I know children vunerable to bullying thought this was effective.
I wish you and espicially your daughter well, and I hope which ever decision you make is the right one.

cabaray

We had a similar situation. My daughter told the girl "Mom's losing weight, but you'll never lose your ugly". The girl took off crying and hasn't bothered her since. As someone else said, switching schools would probably just teach her to run from her problems and you never know what the kids there are like. There's something to be said about dealing with the devil you know.

tataliciousd89

She sounds a lot like me when I was young. I've obviously grown up and gotten over it, but I will say that changing schools isn't a good idea. That sends the message that when stuff sucks you give up and run away. My dad told me to just get over it and not let it bother me granted he was an alcoholic and not the most supportive person in the world, but if he had caved and moved me somewhere else I would never be strong enough to deal with all the **** I have to as an adult. It really is miserable being that vulnerable and I know as her mother you want to keep her as she is, but sheltering and protecting isn't going to prepare her to face life.

onmyway31

We had a similar situation. My daughter told the girl "Mom's losing weight, but you'll never lose your ugly". The girl took off crying and hasn't bothered her since. As someone else said, switching schools would probably just teach her to run from her problems and you never know what the kids there are like. There's something to be said about dealing with the devil you know.

haha "My daughter told the girl "Mom's losing weight, but you'll never lose your ugly". Now that is how you do it! Awesome.

PlanetVelma

Sometimes ignoring doesn't work. I always tell my kids if someone hits you then you hit them back, my kids will not be a punching bag for some brat that isn't being parented at home.

Ignoring rarely, if ever, works.

My daughter is in 4th grade and has struggled w/ bullying issues as well. I have a daily routine where I ask my daughter about her day, blah, blah, blah. I can always tell if someone was picking on her because she's chomping at the bit to talk. We'll discuss whatever the situation was and how it made her feel, etc... We also role play so she can get practice on what she can do next time.

One of the more recent issues was a pair of girls didn't want my daughter and her friend to sit at "their" lunch table. My daughter told them "I don't want to sit her anyways because someone STINKS". These girls have been horrid to her & her friend. Now that my daughter started standing up for herself, they leave her alone. BUT Monday night she did tell me they moved onto another girl, but I guess my daughter invited this other kid to play with them.

My daughter is very caring as well and she doesn't like to get her feelings hurt nor does she like seeing other kids get their feelings hurt. I have an older son (he's 17) and she's VERY bossy to him at home, but she's like a different person at school. So we've had to encourage her to be more assertive with her peers @ school.

I'm not sure about the changing schools because that can be stressful for a kid, but you know the environment your child is in right now. And like the other posters said that's all up to you....

I hope that helps....

PlanetVelma

We had a similar situation. My daughter told the girl "Mom's losing weight, but you'll never lose your ugly". The girl took off crying and hasn't bothered her since. As someone else said, switching schools would probably just teach her to run from her problems and you never know what the kids there are like. There's something to be said about dealing with the devil you know.

Nice!!!!

Sometimes all it takes is for a kid to stand up to the bully for them to back off!

Daneece

I'm afraid I haven't got any advice, although I would suggest keeping her in the school for the time being.

I just felt compelled to comment though, I mean I think it's shocking that this is what we've come to? I'm sure nothing was as nasty as this when I was younger but then maybe I was just in a bubble. It's nasty and I would hope the parents of the children making those comments would explain to their kids what they are saying is unacceptable. Do you know if the parents have been involved?

They have not been involved because my daughter hasn't said who. Her teacher and I told her next time she needs to tell the aid and who was saying it. It doesn't bother me at all because I know when kids bully its because they have a hard home life. So in the end makes me feel lime a good parent lol l. Thank you for your comment :-D

Daneece

I think switching schools can have a negative effect on your daughter, even though your best intentions are there. It may teach her to run away from problems in life. I think you should tell her there's no reason she should be offended by these kids because they don't know you and how hard you're trying to change your lifestyle for the better. Teach your daughter that some kids, and later some adults, are naturally going to tease or dwell on the negativity but that she shouldn't and she should ignore them because they are simply trying to get a reaction out of her - and are succeeding. Tell her it's natural to feel hurt by what they're saying but she shouldn't show it to them, she should just find other friends to play with. In time they will (unfortunately) pick on someone else once they see your daughter doesn't react to them... Hope this helps. No kids for me (yet, pregnant w/ first now!) but studied childhood education and had a lot of in class experience in Chicago public schools.

Thank you for your advise. I didnt look at it like her running away from problems you are right I dont want to teach her that so thank you again

Dragonwolf

I think switching schools can have a negative effect on your daughter, even though your best intentions are there. It may teach her to run away from problems in life. I think you should tell her there's no reason she should be offended by these kids because they don't know you and how hard you're trying to change your lifestyle for the better. Teach your daughter that some kids, and later some adults, are naturally going to tease or dwell on the negativity but that she shouldn't and she should ignore them because they are simply trying to get a reaction out of her - and are succeeding. Tell her it's natural to feel hurt by what they're saying but she shouldn't show it to them, she should just find other friends to play with. In time they will (unfortunately) pick on someone else once they see your daughter doesn't react to them... Hope this helps. No kids for me (yet, pregnant w/ first now!) but studied childhood education and had a lot of in class experience in Chicago public schools.

It's sad because times have changed. Some people are training their kids to do and say whatever they want with no sensor of the mouth. I've seen it first hand. It's like they train these kids for combat and they go to school and are bullies. Parents not involved in the kids life and rather happy that their child isn't the one being bullied...smh Kids these days are mean and cruel. I've had to nip some bullying in the bud a few times.

Hate to break it to you both, but this isn't a new thing. Kids can be downright vicious, especially to those they perceive as weak (and, unfortunately, wearing your heart on your sleeve is considered "weak"). There's a reason the old "stick and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me" exists (which, according to Wikipedia, has been seen as early as 1872). Wish I could have lived in your happy little bubble, though.

My husband and I were both bullied all through school (and my mom had her share of "fair weather friends" who would turn on her as soon as it suited them). We were the outcasts that even the outcasts rejected.

Whoever said that ignoring them will make them stop has never actually been bullied. The same goes for telling on them. In fact, more often than not, it just makes matters worse (especially in more recent times, where teachers are afraid to/can't take any actually effective disciplinary action). Telling on them gets you branded a narc.

There are only three ways I've ever seen have any kind of effect - the principal comes down HARD on the bully (like, nearly expelling them hard), the victim physically lays the bully out after it escalates into physical violence, or the victim has lost enough spirit that they actually no longer care (at which point, they're probably also dealing with the myriad of self-esteem and emotional issues that come with such a state).

Changing schools may or may not help. I went to five different schools growing up, in three of which I was bullied, and by the fifth one (junior year), I no longer really cared and by that point had become "goth" and wore steel-toed boots and a trench coat to school (post-Columbine, no less; got away with it because I was well-known and liked by the faculty), though my last school was a far cry better than the previous ones.

What I'd recommend:

1. Make sure she knows that it doesn't bother you. You've taken ownership of your weight and are working to fix it. You're not hurt or ashamed, so she doesn't need to be either. Your strength will lend her strength.

2. Enroll her in martial arts. Ideally, if you can find one that balances the inner strength building that the traditional ones (Karate, Tae Kwon Do, etc) are known for with the practical use/self-defense ones that more modern forms (Jiu Jitsu, Ninjutsu, Krav Maga, etc) are known for, all the better. This will give her the strength to resist them both mentally/emotionally AND physically, and will give her a safe haven and support network she can count on.

3. Have her back. Teach her that it's not okay to start a fight, but it is okay to end it. If they swing first, it becomes self-defense. If your school punishes both students equally, then a) make it clear that no matter what the school thinks, she was completely in the right to defend herself, and b) go to the principal and/or the school board. Make it known that you won't stand for the stupid rules that keep victims from defending themselves (the only way to change things is to be more vocal than the people who made it that way to begin with). If people can't defend themselves, then they will just continue to be victims.

3a. If you have to, don't be afraid to consider assault charges, because once it gets violent, that's exactly what it is. It may or may not get very far, depending on your state, but assault is assault, and letting kids get away with it just teaches them that it's okay to do it, and they're more likely to do it as adults.

4. Teach her witty comebacks. Verbal self-defense, basically. They don't have to be scathing ones like the bully is using, but enough to throw them off and leave them dumbfounded. (Be careful, though, this one's best coupled with knowledge of physical self-defense, because they may try to respond violently. In which case, see items 2 and 3)

Daneece

I think switching schools can have a negative effect on your daughter, even though your best intentions are there. It may teach her to run away from problems in life. I think you should tell her there's no reason she should be offended by these kids because they don't know you and how hard you're trying to change your lifestyle for the better. Teach your daughter that some kids, and later some adults, are naturally going to tease or dwell on the negativity but that she shouldn't and she should ignore them because they are simply trying to get a reaction out of her - and are succeeding. Tell her it's natural to feel hurt by what they're saying but she shouldn't show it to them, she should just find other friends to play with. In time they will (unfortunately) pick on someone else once they see your daughter doesn't react to them... Hope this helps. No kids for me (yet, pregnant w/ first now!) but studied childhood education and had a lot of in class experience in Chicago public schools.

It's sad because times have changed. Some people are training their kids to do and say whatever they want with no sensor of the mouth. I've seen it first hand. It's like they train these kids for combat and they go to school and are bullies. Parents not involved in the kids life and rather happy that their child isn't the one being bullied...smh Kids these days are mean and cruel. I've had to nip some bullying in the bud a few times.

Hate to break it to you both, but this isn't a new thing. Kids can be downright vicious, especially to those they perceive as weak (and, unfortunately, wearing your heart on your sleeve is considered "weak"). There's a reason the old "stick and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me" exists (which, according to Wikipedia, has been seen as early as 1872). Wish I could have lived in your happy little bubble, though.

My husband and I were both bullied all through school (and my mom had her share of "fair weather friends" who would turn on her as soon as it suited them). We were the outcasts that even the outcasts rejected.

Whoever said that ignoring them will make them stop has never actually been bullied. The same goes for telling on them. In fact, more often than not, it just makes matters worse (especially in more recent times, where teachers are afraid to/can't take any actually effective disciplinary action). Telling on them gets you branded a narc.

There are only three ways I've ever seen have any kind of effect - the principal comes down HARD on the bully (like, nearly expelling them hard), the victim physically lays the bully out after it escalates into physical violence, or the victim has lost enough spirit that they actually no longer care (at which point, they're probably also dealing with the myriad of self-esteem and emotional issues that come with such a state).

Changing schools may or may not help. I went to five different schools growing up, in three of which I was bullied, and by the fifth one (junior year), I no longer really cared and by that point had become "goth" and wore steel-toed boots and a trench coat to school (post-Columbine, no less; got away with it because I was well-known and liked by the faculty), though my last school was a far cry better than the previous ones.

What I'd recommend:

1. Make sure she knows that it doesn't bother you. You've taken ownership of your weight and are working to fix it. You're not hurt or ashamed, so she doesn't need to be either. Your strength will lend her strength.

2. Enroll her in martial arts. Ideally, if you can find one that balances the inner strength building that the traditional ones (Karate, Tae Kwon Do, etc) are known for with the practical use/self-defense ones that more modern forms (Jiu Jitsu, Ninjutsu, Krav Maga, etc) are known for, all the better. This will give her the strength to resist them both mentally/emotionally AND physically, and will give her a safe haven and support network she can count on.

3. Have her back. Teach her that it's not okay to start a fight, but it is okay to end it. If they swing first, it becomes self-defense. If your school punishes both students equally, then a) make it clear that no matter what the school thinks, she was completely in the right to defend herself, and b) go to the principal and/or the school board. Make it known that you won't stand for the stupid rules that keep victims from defending themselves (the only way to change things is to be more vocal than the people who made it that way to begin with). If people can't defend themselves, then they will just continue to be victims.

3a. If you have to, don't be afraid to consider assault charges, because once it gets violent, that's exactly what it is. It may or may not get very far, depending on your state, but assault is assault, and letting kids get away with it just teaches them that it's okay to do it, and they're more likely to do it as adults.

4. Teach her witty comebacks. Verbal self-defense, basically. They don't have to be scathing ones like the bully is using, but enough to throw them off and leave them dumbfounded. (Be careful, though, this one's best coupled with knowledge of physical self-defense, because they may try to respond violently. In which case, see items 2 and 3)

Wow I am so sorry to hear of your school experience. I was bullied too in high school for my weight and I wasn't even that big then. I appreciate the advise very much. This is going to be a hard road for me because I dont do well with confrontation in most cases I tend to cry like a baby when being verbally attacked. But ill be damned if I ever allow another person the power to tear down my daughter and make her think she is anything less then the wonderful beautiful person she is. I have already started looking for a martial arts program for her and we will see how the school handles it from here and i will step in when needed. In kindergarten she was bullied on the bus so I started driving here and that stopped but now this..... Ugh something's need to change and they will. I appreciate everyone for taking the time to respond.

Daneece

We had a similar situation. My daughter told the girl "Mom's losing weight, but you'll never lose your ugly". The girl took off crying and hasn't bothered her since. As someone else said, switching schools would probably just teach her to run from her problems and you never know what the kids there are like. There's something to be said about dealing with the devil you know.

Lol this morning I had another talk with my daughter about this. I told her that the things they say dont bother me and that she doesn't need to let it bother her either. Told her she did nothing wrong and wasn't in trouble and to maybe try ignoring them. She told me that they follow her and say things. So I told her to turn to them and say " my mom is going to lose weight but you'll never lose your ugly" . Her eyes got huge and she gasped and said "mommy I can't say that at school and its a very mean thing to say" I smiled and told her she was right. My baby is such a good little girl.

PlanetVelma

I think switching schools can have a negative effect on your daughter, even though your best intentions are there. It may teach her to run away from problems in life. I think you should tell her there's no reason she should be offended by these kids because they don't know you and how hard you're trying to change your lifestyle for the better. Teach your daughter that some kids, and later some adults, are naturally going to tease or dwell on the negativity but that she shouldn't and she should ignore them because they are simply trying to get a reaction out of her - and are succeeding. Tell her it's natural to feel hurt by what they're saying but she shouldn't show it to them, she should just find other friends to play with. In time they will (unfortunately) pick on someone else once they see your daughter doesn't react to them... Hope this helps. No kids for me (yet, pregnant w/ first now!) but studied childhood education and had a lot of in class experience in Chicago public schools.

It's sad because times have changed. Some people are training their kids to do and say whatever they want with no sensor of the mouth. I've seen it first hand. It's like they train these kids for combat and they go to school and are bullies. Parents not involved in the kids life and rather happy that their child isn't the one being bullied...smh Kids these days are mean and cruel. I've had to nip some bullying in the bud a few times.

Hate to break it to you both, but this isn't a new thing. Kids can be downright vicious, especially to those they perceive as weak (and, unfortunately, wearing your heart on your sleeve is considered "weak"). There's a reason the old "stick and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me" exists (which, according to Wikipedia, has been seen as early as 1872). Wish I could have lived in your happy little bubble, though.

My husband and I were both bullied all through school (and my mom had her share of "fair weather friends" who would turn on her as soon as it suited them). We were the outcasts that even the outcasts rejected.

Whoever said that ignoring them will make them stop has never actually been bullied. The same goes for telling on them. In fact, more often than not, it just makes matters worse (especially in more recent times, where teachers are afraid to/can't take any actually effective disciplinary action). Telling on them gets you branded a narc.

There are only three ways I've ever seen have any kind of effect - the principal comes down HARD on the bully (like, nearly expelling them hard), the victim physically lays the bully out after it escalates into physical violence, or the victim has lost enough spirit that they actually no longer care (at which point, they're probably also dealing with the myriad of self-esteem and emotional issues that come with such a state).

Changing schools may or may not help. I went to five different schools growing up, in three of which I was bullied, and by the fifth one (junior year), I no longer really cared and by that point had become "goth" and wore steel-toed boots and a trench coat to school (post-Columbine, no less; got away with it because I was well-known and liked by the faculty), though my last school was a far cry better than the previous ones.

What I'd recommend:

1. Make sure she knows that it doesn't bother you. You've taken ownership of your weight and are working to fix it. You're not hurt or ashamed, so she doesn't need to be either. Your strength will lend her strength.

2. Enroll her in martial arts. Ideally, if you can find one that balances the inner strength building that the traditional ones (Karate, Tae Kwon Do, etc) are known for with the practical use/self-defense ones that more modern forms (Jiu Jitsu, Ninjutsu, Krav Maga, etc) are known for, all the better. This will give her the strength to resist them both mentally/emotionally AND physically, and will give her a safe haven and support network she can count on.

3. Have her back. Teach her that it's not okay to start a fight, but it is okay to end it. If they swing first, it becomes self-defense. If your school punishes both students equally, then a) make it clear that no matter what the school thinks, she was completely in the right to defend herself, and b) go to the principal and/or the school board. Make it known that you won't stand for the stupid rules that keep victims from defending themselves (the only way to change things is to be more vocal than the people who made it that way to begin with). If people can't defend themselves, then they will just continue to be victims.

3a. If you have to, don't be afraid to consider assault charges, because once it gets violent, that's exactly what it is. It may or may not get very far, depending on your state, but assault is assault, and letting kids get away with it just teaches them that it's okay to do it, and they're more likely to do it as adults.

4. Teach her witty comebacks. Verbal self-defense, basically. They don't have to be scathing ones like the bully is using, but enough to throw them off and leave them dumbfounded. (Be careful, though, this one's best coupled with knowledge of physical self-defense, because they may try to respond violently. In which case, see items 2 and 3)

There's some great advice there!

I was bullied throughout school, but we lived in a pretty rural area so there were no other schools to be transferred to. My biggest struggle was getting conflicting advice from both of my parents....my mom would tell me to ignore them and my dad would tell me to lay them out. LMAO!!!! I tried my mom's advice - didn't work. Tried my dad's advice and they left me alone after that.

I never had these types of issues when my son was younger, I think (generally speaking) that girls can be much more cruel than boys. At my son's HS, they offer rewards (up to $1000) if you notify staff of bullying. I think that is great.

My daughter's school has a peer-to-peer program that encourages citizenship, but the girls that have given her a hard time are on the "Peace Patrol". Gah! Although they've pretty much left her alone after she's stood up to them a couple times. I'm dreading when my daughter starts middle or high school.....

scoobydoojoe

I second he martial arts idea. Not for physical confrontation, but for the mental control and the confidence. My young kids will both be taking martial arts when they are a little older, they are preschool right now.

Lots of good advice here, definitely don't run away from the problem, find a way for her to face it, as issues like this will be there her whole life.

AceyFaceX

Tell your daughter to be strong! It'll get easier as she gets older. I used to get picked on all of the time when I was her age. As the years went by I grew up, and so did my tormentors. They finally left me alone and they have ever since. Let her know that it's okay to be upset, but at the end of the day kids are just mean! I remember that when I was her age, fighting fire with fire never worked. If I simply ignored my tormentors, they would more than likely leave me be. I hope everything works out for you and her! (:

leomom72

bump

NewTeena

Sometimes kids teased my youngest son about the same thing and he used to react violently. When I spoke to him about it I told him I appreciated that he felt the need to protect me, but I really didn't care what his friends thought and that in the future he should just respond with "yes she is". Not only is that the truth, but if the other kids think it doesn't bother you, then they lose their power and will often drop it and move on. It didn't take long for that to stop being an issue.

nubeing

I don't know if anyone else said this, but sometimes it helps to be visible at your child's school and let the kids get to know you, even those mean ones! My issue is that I have a large (and I've heard UGLY) growth in my throat (enlarged thyroid) and my kids (reluctantly) mentioned that other kids at school were asking them about it and bugging them, like "What's WRONG with your mom's neck??"

I used to be more sensitive about it, wear turtlenecks and things. WELL! After I heard about those kids, the next time I went to the school, I marched right in there like "Hello!" I have told kids about my neck -- I mean, it's a valid question. They want information, they better learn to ask for it rather than tease my kids about it. I have even made jokes about it (like "I'm the old lady who swallowed a horse, and if you don't watch it, you'll be next!" (laughing of course) or "My neck is big because I am flexing my neck muscle which just means that I'm super strong so watch out!"

Really I am trying to show them that we are all different and we have issues but we (parents) are also fun and we can laugh at ourselves. Bullies come in all ages and some of them are grownups too who never learned the lesson as kids not to judge others by their appearance and not to be mean when really all we want is more information.