Playing Mind Games..

MisMissey

I have been a lurker on these boards for months now. I obsessively troll the boards for motivation, support, recipe ideas, good music ect and everyone is so nice and have such amazing opinions that I have to share my situation in the hopes that one of you brilliant minds can help me see this clearly.

I committed to losing weight, working out, getting healthier October 01 of last year. My mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and she told me that she couldn't face that battle while worrying about me and my health at the same time, so that was it, the straw that broke the 'I'll start tomorrow' game I was playing with myself (for about 15 years).

It's now 4 months and 1 week later, and I have lost 90 pounds, I'm in the red zone to hitting the 100lb mark for weeks now, and I have to tell you, it's a total mind screw to me. For the first probably 50-60lbs no one really noticed, or commented to me about seeing any changes happening with my appearance. When i hit 75-80 the comments started to come at me, and in the past week it's pretty much every single day that I receive a comment or a compliment and I'm frankly speechless and stumped how to respond to people, does thank you work? What I really want to say is ... it's frigging hard, everything hurts, I'm hungry. So whereas you would think the comments would be motivating, they are doing the exact opposite. Now I feel pressure, overwhelming pressure to keep succeeding, pressure that if I don't see someone for a few days, a week, the next time I run into them they will expect to see more changes, more weight loss, and what if they don't?

All of the sudden I am on the self sabotage mode, little stupid things, I'm forgetting my HRM when heading to the gym, I forgot my running shoes one day, I left my lunch on the counter today. So when I get on the scale and there is no progress, no loss, gains even, I say, well, I didn't have everything I need, and I might as well stop and get a sub on my way home for dinner since I already screwed today up.

I only know how to be who I am, I have no idea who I will become if I continue to lose weight, I don't know how to be that girl, and it's scary.

Sorry this was so very long winded, have any of you MFP friends had this happen? Where you head stands firmly in the way of your progress? I don't know how to get past this, I don't know if my heart and will are strong enough to fight my mind and win.

myopus

[...]What I really want to say is ... it's frigging hard, everything hurts, I'm hungry.[...]

Bumping for you...
The body image in your mind might just take time and some self-love, but if you are really uncomfortable and hungry that could be what's keeping you from enjoying the incredible things you achieved. Is it possible that you are at a point where you can lift the restriction just a bit, maybe increase your daily caloric intake a small amount so that you don't feel so miserable? You've achieved so much and came such a long way; there has got to be some way of being able to enjoy the health you've given yourself. We all deserve to be happy, not afraid.

yesthistime

Bump

Harlin12

I finally had to decide that what I am doing is for ME. It does'nt matter if anyone notices or approves, or even what their expectations are. Keeping the expectations that I place on myself are what matters. That is the only way I will succeed and achieve the level of fitness that I desire.

Good job for getting as far as you have and good luck dealing with life.

p0stdramatic

I can't relate directly to what you are describing, but I can say I have felt something similar in several different situations. It has held me back my entire life until recently. You ARE that girl. Don't be afraid to be the thinner you. It's still you, just physically less of you. Own it all. The eating right, the working out. You've been doing it all this time, your size is just a side-effect. It's really you, or you wouldn't have kept at it for so long. Don't ever second-guess yourself. Your weight doesn't determine who you are. YOU do.

cpiton

So whereas you would think the comments would be motivating, they are doing the exact opposite. Now I feel pressure, overwhelming pressure to keep succeeding, pressure that if I don't see someone for a few days, a week, the next time I run into them they will expect to see more changes, more weight loss, and what if they don't?



You sound exactly like me!
I actually owned a women's gym and I would get these awful sort of panic attacks about whether or not anyone noticed that my tummy was a little bigger, that I was stalled on my weight loss, etc. etc.
Thank everyone for their support and kind comments and just be honest. Tell them some days it's really freaking hard to do and you want to give up and eat the house down. I finally told my ladies what I was going through and it actually made it easier for them to talk to me because they felt like we were in it together. Which, of course, we were. And I'm in it with you. I "cracked" and ate two fast food bkfst sandwiches (yes, TWO) this morning.
I did not, however, let that slip dictate the rest of my day and I won't let it ruin my week. :happy: It didn't make me feel all that great at the time, though. Best to you. You are already an amazing success. Embrace that and pat yourself on the back! :flowerforyou:

shanahan_09

I have a "mom friend' at our children's school...would see her everyday when dropping the kids off, picking them up..we'd chat over coffee in the playground waiting for the kids. She started her weight loss journey last April...by the end of last year she had a whole different body--Looks FANTASTIC. We would all say how great she looked and each time she simply said 'thank you'. That's all you need to say when receiving a compliment...flourish in them, you deserve each and every one of those compliments.

Don't feel embarrassed or stressed that you have to do more thinking that they will notice if changes have slowed down or diminished. And you know what...not one of us thought any different of our friend who lost the weight...we didn't expect more and more from her. We were just incredibly happy for her because she was happier. If they expect more from you, to hell with 'em. You're the one doing the hard work, you're the one who is succeeding to make yourself better. My God, that is such a gift you have given to yourself...Hold your head up high girl!

Take it day by day. These are changes that you have to let sink in slowly to allow your mind to 'see' your body for how it HAS changed. Be kind to yourself, you deserve the rewards for all your hard work...and the best reward you can give yourself is being true to yourself. :flowerforyou:

MisMissey

Thank you all so very much for your insights. As I hoped would happen, you made me realize that I was overlooking the simplest fact of them all, I truly NEED to do this for ME. My friends and family will benefit from a healthier and happier me, and they won't judge me for lack of progress, in fact, they would probably be floored that I am putting that on them in my head.

The other day my trainer asked me to give her a picture from when I started and one today, I did it and then stared at it for a few minutes in shock. I am succeeding, I look REALLY different, it's amazing that when I look in the mirror I still see who I was. Maybe it's because always before a 'diet' was temporary and I was afraid to be proud of myself because I knew I was going to regress back into old habits. I don't see that happening this time, and maybe when that switch flips in my head I'll be able to be proud and hold my head high for what I've accomplished so far, instead of being ashamed of what I perceive to be failures in my journey.

Some say that the hardest part of losing weight is the exercise, some say it's the changes that you make to your eating habits, for me, it's the mental aspect, these pounds were my safety blanket for many years and it's equally terrifying and exhilarating to shed them. My new goal is to find a way to use this fear to fuel me instead of using it as an excuse for failure.

I appreciate all of you, thank you again, my head and heart are lighter tonight than they have been in a long time.

TheMystonique

I know exactly what you are talking about. My Doctor and my Mother are the worst. My Doctor will comment on how I'm losing weight and all of a sudden I'll be afraid to eat anything lest it spoils the weight loss ... silly but true.


My Mother, who is fat phobic however is the worst. Whenever I lose a little and she sees me even so much as snacking on a piece of fruit she'll say something like "do you really need that? You were doing so well" and it just makes me want to eat everything in site.

Comments are right, you have to do it for yourself, at your own speed and enjoy feeling lighter, better and generally not worry about anything else.

rjt1000

You've lost 90 pounds in 4 months? Be proud and happy. And keep up with what you're doing. You'll figure out who you are and that you're not much different than you were 4 months ago, just smaller and in better health. It's not like you're now some kind of monster. You're just healthier and (hopefully) happier.