I broke up with my girlfriend of 12 years....

Dauntlessness

Okay, there is no way for any of us to give you a straight answer because I am sure there is more to this story but I will give my opinion based on what you have told us.

I'm going to talk about your relationship because I truly feel understanding will help you grow and not make the same mistakes whether you stay or go.

Freedom is something everyone should have. Boxing you into a corner may be initiated by her but you have to participate to let it happen. I have problems with my husband about this. Ever since I can remember he has been the unsocial one and I am always wanting to get out of the house and do something. I have all these plans to go kayak, go swimming, hiking, dinner with friends and most of the time he doesn't want to.
After talking to someone about this I was told the best thing I can do is develop relationships with people who like doing those things. Have one friend that likes to kayak, another one who likes to hike, etc etc. Just because you want to do something does not mean you can bully your spouse into doing something they don't like to do. Saying that, she has to make an effort to do something you both like and should not fault you for living your life. It is not fair for her to be uncompromising. This is a two way street and if she cant give you an inch, she is the one at fault. All you can do is make sure your doing your part, now the problem lays on her. Don't blame her for not living your life though.

I have been with my husband 12 years, 11 of them married. Something that I have personally found is that after that much time sometimes couples start becoming complacent, taking each other for granted, and even blaming the other person for their own mistakes. It is much easier to say "This person is not supporting me" then to be persistent and work on changing habits. I sometimes do that to my husband, even now. The reality is, I make my own choices and if he does bring something home that I shouldn't eat, yes, sometimes I do eat it but I also let him know that it needs to be limited. This is a relationship and denying the other person food choices just as unfair as them asking you to eat high calorie dinners. There needs to find a happy medium.

The reason why both of you are doing so well without each other is because you don't have that sort of guilt about asking each other to compromise and resentment when you do it for the other person. You get guilted into it, instead of WANTING to do it for the other person.

As far as going into a shell, again this is you. You participation is necessary to let this happen. Setting boundaries and saying "This is who I want to be" is so important. If she doesn't support that, again, that's her problem, not yours. Live the life you want. As long as your not disrespecting her or your son, there is nothing wrong with that.

Attractive...what a loaded word. It means so many different things to people. To me, (Gosh, this is embarrassing) but my spouse must be the man of the house and fairly dominate. Its one of those things, I need to feel taken care of and that he has things in control. I must be a primal instinct of mine, but its an alpha thing. Saying that, I totally make my own choices and are free to do whatever I want.
I guess what I'm saying is just maybe(and I might be totally wrong because I have limited info), because you let her box you in, then you become quiet and distant, she may feel like she is alone. Trust me, these kind of things play into the sex you have. Yes, we all have the kinky stuff but when that's over, feeling content, loved, supported and secure is on of the most attractive things for us.

Okay...after all that...and sorry if I am seeming like "I'm a know it all". I have been though therapy about these very same things and I am just relaying what I was told. It helped me sooo much!

Saying all that, If you feel this good without her, Is it because its simply a change and its exciting or is it because you really grew apart and need a fresh start? What i was asked by my therapist about this is "If you had millions of dollars and would suffer no guilt, would you stay with him"? My answer was yes, but if its no...well. there it is.

Your son. Hrmm. I hate to admit it but I watch Dr Phil every once in a while. Something he said keeps popping out at me. He said to these parent "If you haven't exhausted every single avenue to fix this relationship then you are cheating your children" "You need to be able to tell them, we did everything we possibly could to save it". I am probably going to catch so much crap for this post but I really don't care. LOL

I really hope this helps. I sympathize sooo much because I have had the same issues. Its so easy to say a simple, yes- stay, no- leave. Its much more complicated then that.

Take care, and add me if you want

giggles1973

I always tell everybody, be with the one you can't live without not the one you can just live with. It puts things in perspective Good luck and do what makes you happy whatever your decision may be. Kids bounce back and as long as they have happy loving parents they will be fine :flowerforyou:

bankjm

I always tell everybody, be with the one you can't live without not the one you can just live with. It puts things in perspective Good luck and do what makes you happy whatever your decision may be. Kids bounce back and as long as they have happy loving parents they will be fine :flowerforyou:

Very good advice giggles1973. It's really hard when someone doesn't know what they want and it's hard on the other person as well. Sometimes, things just don't work out. I'm not sure why but sometimes there is nothing to understand. Good luck in finding what you want and I wish the same for her too!

Roni_M

My hubby and I have been together for 23 years, married for almost 19. This may not be a favorable opinion but I think that unless there was abuse (of any sort) or cheating that divorce is not an option and people don't put enough effort into making relationships work. There have been ups and downs, he annoys me and I annoy him at various times.

We have unspoken rules on how we treat each other when these situations arise. For one we are able to agree to disagree (this is huge). We don't feel the need to be "right" at the expense of the others feelings. We never ever do the "name calling" thing (some things just can't be taken back once they've been said). If a disagreement is going south... we both walk away from it. However "50s" this may sound...my domain is the house and kids...his is his company. We both are willing to help out in each others domain but decisions are ultimately made by the domain owner. We never show division in front of the kids (who are 18 & 21 now). If there were teams...it's us against them (they will move out eventually leaving us behind). Ultimately we put each others happiness before our own. We encourage and support each other to have our own individual lives. We do not try to control the other and most importantly we respect each other. We also have enough space to get away from each other when we need to!

These things have helped us get through life. I hope you can work on your relationship and bring out the best in each other rather than the worst. Most importantly you need to fix the relationship before she moves back in because bouncing in and out would be very hard on your son. Good luck!

SweetProgression

I had no clue they were married I thought they were just bf and gf different rules apply if they seen't married much easier to split

My hubby and I have been together for 23 years, married for almost 19. This may not be a favorable opinion but I think that unless there was abuse (of any sort) or cheating that divorce is not an option and people don't put enough effort into making relationships work. There have been ups and downs, he annoys me and I annoy him at various times.

We have unspoken rules on how we treat each other when these situations arise. For one we are able to agree to disagree (this is huge). We don't feel the need to be "right" at the expense of the others feelings. We never ever do the "name calling" thing (some things just can't be taken back once they've been said). If a disagreement is going south... we both walk away from it. However "50s" this may sound...my domain is the house and kids...his is his company. We both are willing to help out in each others domain but decisions are ultimately made by the domain owner. We never show division in front of the kids (who are 18 & 21 now). If there were teams...it's us against them (they will move out eventually leaving us behind). Ultimately we put each others happiness before our own. We encourage and support each other to have our own individual lives. We do not try to control the other and most importantly we respect each other. We also have enough space to get away from each other when we need to!

These things have helped us get through life. I hope you can work on your relationship and bring out the best in each other rather than the worst. Most importantly you need to fix the relationship before she moves back in because bouncing in and out would be very hard on your son. Good luck!

lovinmysoldier

I think scenarios like these are why the divorce rate is so high in this country. Don't mean to be harsh but everyone seems to think relationships are always perfect and wonderful. They aren't, even with the best suited person for you there will be times you want your own space and to be away from them. In those moments I truly look at the person I chose to be with. Although we often seem like completely opposite people, deep down our morals and foundations are the same. Neither of us have any significant isses (ie: drug abuse, emotional or physical abuse) we are good people, with good intentions that aren't perfect.
Yes, the times you are together now are great but that isn't the same. HENCE why when people cheat on their spouse and think that life will be better with that person are sadly mistaken. They get all the fun without the real day to day challenges of having a relationship. If no one did anything wrong and you still truly deep down care about her AND in the long term you want to be in a relationship than you need to figure out how to make it work. Whether that's counseling or whatever.
My husband and I have been married 10 years, we've made MANY mistakes. When I don't like the relationship I see in front of me I do something about it. Talk about how you feel, talk about solutions, go on a date, read a book together, ultimately do everything you can to make it work. I refuse to turn away from this relationship without going to every counselor, investing everything I can give into making it work. Read the book or watch the movie "Fireproof". I'm not super religious but the point is to invest as much energy into your relationship as you did when you were dating and you might be surprised at how it'll turn it around.
I'm stopping myself now, I could go on and on.....

lovinmysoldier

My hubby and I have been together for 23 years, married for almost 19. This may not be a favorable opinion but I think that unless there was abuse (of any sort) or cheating that divorce is not an option and people don't put enough effort into making relationships work. There have been ups and downs, he annoys me and I annoy him at various times.

We have unspoken rules on how we treat each other when these situations arise. For one we are able to agree to disagree (this is huge). We don't feel the need to be "right" at the expense of the others feelings. We never ever do the "name calling" thing (some things just can't be taken back once they've been said). If a disagreement is going south... we both walk away from it. However "50s" this may sound...my domain is the house and kids...his is his company. We both are willing to help out in each others domain but decisions are ultimately made by the domain owner. We never show division in front of the kids (who are 18 & 21 now). If there were teams...it's us against them (they will move out eventually leaving us behind). Ultimately we put each others happiness before our own. We encourage and support each other to have our own individual lives. We do not try to control the other and most importantly we respect each other. We also have enough space to get away from each other when we need to!

These things have helped us get through life. I hope you can work on your relationship and bring out the best in each other rather than the worst. Most importantly you need to fix the relationship before she moves back in because bouncing in and out would be very hard on your son. Good luck!

DITTO!! We actually do the same "domain" thing. Careers and cars for us! LOL. I don't want to feel held back in my career or him held back in his and later resent the other for not reaching their goal. And cars, he thinks every vehicle needs to be a 4x4, lol.

lovinmysoldier

My hubby and I have been together for 23 years, married for almost 19. This may not be a favorable opinion but I think that unless there was abuse (of any sort) or cheating that divorce is not an option and people don't put enough effort into making relationships work. There have been ups and downs, he annoys me and I annoy him at various times.

We have unspoken rules on how we treat each other when these situations arise. For one we are able to agree to disagree (this is huge). We don't feel the need to be "right" at the expense of the others feelings. We never ever do the "name calling" thing (some things just can't be taken back once they've been said). If a disagreement is going south... we both walk away from it. However "50s" this may sound...my domain is the house and kids...his is his company. We both are willing to help out in each others domain but decisions are ultimately made by the domain owner. We never show division in front of the kids (who are 18 & 21 now). If there were teams...it's us against them (they will move out eventually leaving us behind). Ultimately we put each others happiness before our own. We encourage and support each other to have our own individual lives. We do not try to control the other and most importantly we respect each other. We also have enough space to get away from each other when we need to!

These things have helped us get through life. I hope you can work on your relationship and bring out the best in each other rather than the worst. Most importantly you need to fix the relationship before she moves back in because bouncing in and out would be very hard on your son. Good luck!

DITTO!! We actually do the same "domain" thing. Careers and cars for us! LOL. I don't want to feel held back in my career or him held back in his and later resent the other for not reaching their goal. And cars, he thinks every vehicle needs to be a 4x4, lol.

Another one, we have the same "rules" for fighting (or discussing as he likes to call it) but the "D" word (divorce) is NEVER to be mentioned. We made that deal when we were engaged and have stuck to it. We both made it very clear that this was a one time deal and we both would do whatever we needed to make it work. Plus we are both stubborn and refuse to be the first to "give up". JUST TEASING!!!

lovinmysoldier

Totally agree with Lect.

There are many times one of us wants to do something the other doesn't. I can't expect him to always want to do what I want or vice versa. So the deal is, if you truly want to do it, then go do it. If repeatedly I'm wanting to go do something he doesn't, well then I need to find a way that I can do what I want. Find a friend who likes to go. For example: hubby loves to lift weights and play basketball, me not so much. There are time I will go with him but typically he has a couple guy friends he goes and does that with. You still need to meet your needs and desires and she needs to meet hers, with or without the other person. You need to own that and not expect the other person to go with you or feel held back by their disinterest.

Okay, I'm truly done now. :blushing:

kit_katty

My two cents. Don't worry about your son, as long as he knows he's loved, he should be fine. In fact, it was a relief when my parents divorced, there was a whole heck of a lot less fighting!

That being said, I agree with other posters, take time to figure out if you want to try again, if so, make sure you find yourself again and I would definitely recommend counseling. Oh and the first person you go and see wont necessarily be the right one for you, different counselors have different styles and techniques, so don't give up if you don't find a good fit.

I think it was a good idea to at least take a break considering you two weren't bringing out the best in each other.

Good luck!

SGartz

Just an update for all those who took the time to comment on my thread...

Well, the more time I am away from her, the harder it seems. If I'm perfectly honest, I feel like I could take her back tomorrow. I knew I would go through these emotions, but I didn't realise how much of an impact they would have. I miss everything about her right now, I can't imagine my life withough her. I feel a fool, like I didn't see what was right in front of me.

Why are we so blumming complicated!!

HeidiMightyRawr

Just an update for all those who took the time to comment on my thread...

Well, the more time I am away from her, the harder it seems. If I'm perfectly honest, I feel like I could take her back tomorrow. I knew I would go through these emotions, but I didn't realise how much of an impact they would have. I miss everything about her right now, I can't imagine my life withough her. I feel a fool, like I didn't see what was right in front of me.

Why are we so blumming complicated!!

I would suggest counselling as a few other people have mentioned.

Being with somebody for so long is bound to make you feel all these emotions, even if the person just isn't right for you. It's up to you at the end of the day whether you think you can make this work again, but if you don't do "something" differently, it will most likely just end up in the same way again - and going round in circles.

Counselling should help you both to communicate better, discuss what's good, what needs change etc etc and if you do decide to give it another go, then you have that supporting you. If it doesn't work out then, at least you gave it your all, and you'll know for sure

Good luck!

SGartz

See I'm not sure about councelling, I think this is more of an American thing, I wouldn't know where to start looking for one in the UK. Besides, I can imagine them being very expensive!

HeidiMightyRawr

See I'm not sure about councelling, I think this is more of an American thing, I wouldn't know where to start looking for one in the UK. Besides, I can imagine them being very expensive!

It's not just American. I'm from the UK too!

I've heard "Relate" is good. http://www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html It's probably the most well known one. I think they have local relate counselling places all over the country.
I found through a quick google search: £40 an hour for a trained relate counsellor. So yes, expensive. It depends though on what you need / want.

If you decided to get back with her, but no counselling, you would probably have to have a serious long talk about all the issues you've had over the years.. what you love about each other.. what you're missing (is it just the being with somebody, and security, or actually her) .. what gets on your nerves..what you argue about most.. what can you change to make it better. You can't just sweep all the issues under the carpet or they'll arise sometime in the future again and the situation won't be any better.
Communication is key, as so many people say Without it, most people don't get very far.