Mental Improvement Suggestions... I'm Desperate!!!!!

stacyann1001

Hey everyone, so I need some help and I figured this site has so many wonderful people on it that it would be a good place to start....

I'll give a little background to why I need help/suggestions so maybe it narrows down some suggestions and maybe there is someone out there on this site who has gone through something like this before....

I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years and we have lived together for 2 years, I work full time and go to graduate school part time... he had been working 2 part time jobs which had him at work 7 days a week up until Christmas when he got laid off from one of them... When we first started dating it was perfect, we were so happy, we were this magical couple, I've never felt so connected to anyone else in the world.

Now here is the dilemma, sorry if this is long, I just really want to vent and get my story out...
Recently there has been a distance between us and I could sense it so this weekend I wrote him a letter asking him what was going on... I asked if there was someone else or if he just did not love me anymore... he wrote back to me this week a long letter saying he wanted to break up and he couldn't do it anymore... His reasoning behind this was because he says I am unapproachable and unpleasant to be around 6 out of 7 days a week, I turn down all of his affectionate advances, I never appreciate anything he does around the house, I harp on him about money all the time and overall I have just am not the happy person that he fell in love with and this has caused him to slip into his own deep depression.... Now, this is not the first time I have heard these things... I was in a 7 year relationship prior to this where my ex would tell me the same things but i dismissed it because he was verbally and abusive and i thought that he was just saying those things to hurt me but now I am seeing a pattern I am seeing that when I love someone I push them away and I do all of these mean and horrible things. I know that I am hard to be around and I know I have become someone that I do not want to be. I know there is a happy person inside of me that wants to live and I need help finding her again. I love this guy more then anything in the world and want to work on myself so that we can in time hopefully be together again and be happy. He has some flaws too such as his inability to communicate with me and that is why we had the letter exchange in the first place. He is willing to see a therapist to help him through some of his own struggles but the hard thing is he doesn't have health insurance so there isn't really a way for him to get help. (if someone knows a way to get free help somehow please share!!!!!) I am already seeing a therapist and have been since October and each day I am improving a little and coming out of my own depression but I am hoping there is something more I can do. Right now we are in limbo on what to do, whether we should stay living together to work on this or if we should take a break and he move back to his parents for awhile.

I want to know if anyone out there has been through something like this before? Or do you act like this too? Does anyone know any books, blogs, websites, audio CD's (ANYTHING!!!) they can suggest that would help me to focus on myself and getting back to being happy? Anyone have any suggestion on how I can get rid of this negative energy that I hold or have a suggestion that works for them? Any ideas on how him and I can work together and get through this?

Please help me!!!!

I really am so open to hearing anything people have to say.

chelseafxx

I think you should take a break from each other and both "find yourselves." I was in a 2 year relationship and a similar thing happened and when we finally decided to take a break I focused on myself and my diet and exercise and really just did everything I could to make me love myself because I knew I really didn't. Ever since I lost all this weight it has changed my outlook on everything and now I can truly say I love myself. I don't think that anyone is really capable of loving someone else if they don't even love themselves...just my situation though I hope it helps! Take a vacation alone or do something crazy and spontaneous!

h0m36r0wn

Hope these are helpful - some may be a little off topic, but the NF blog in general has been a huge inspiration to me in 'fixing' my own problems and dealing with personal shortcomings:
http://nerdfitness.com/blog/2010/03/08/how-to-deal-with-life-when-sh-happens/
http://nerdfitness.com/blog/2010/11/15/how-to-live-a-life-worth-living/

If you'd like an f**king AWESOME book to read, try the Greatest Salesman in the World by Og Mandino... it is what started me on the path to where I am today and remains my go to when I need a kick. http://www.amazon.com/Greatest-Salesman-World-Og-Mandino/dp/055327757X
Don't let the title mislead you, it is not just for people interested in honing their sales techniques. Best $8 you'll ever spend in my humble opinion - and you can probably read the entire book in 2-3 hours... plus a few minutes a day for 10 months of scrolls if you are motivated to follow the book's instructions.

christinezappella

What about couples therapy and billing it to your insurace? You should talk to the therapist you're already seeing about it.

kd_mazur

The five love languages : how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate
Gary Chapman

This book talks about how everyone loves a little differrently.

lizard053

Things you need to ask yourself - Is the relationship worth it? Is he a person that makes you a better person? Can you be friends?

It's a tough situation. If you're working on yourself, and he's trying for himself, and you're both willing to put in the effort of staying together, go for it. You both need to really consider all the options to figure this one out.

This is all about knowing yourself, and loving yourself. You can't really be with anyone if you don't care about yourself. (In my opinion!)

Cookie_4

I used to push people who love me away, too!! I think what you have to figure out is why are you unhappy... For me, it was a lot of deep rooted things that made me not love myself even though I thought I did. It's great that you are talking to a professional. Maybe it might be a good idea to take a break from each other and find out what makes you happy independently of another person. It's true what they all say, you can't love another person if you're unhappy with yourself. Good luck!

ashreynolds09

The five love languages : how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate
Gary Chapman

This book talks about how everyone loves a little differrently.

yes! This book! Also, why not have him come in on a few sessions with you? Maybe your therapist can help you two communicate better? (which by the way, good for you for going in the first place)

Personally, I have been there and still get in that place too. I am married too. My husband says many of the same things as your boyfriend (except for the whole money thing..he gets on to me about the money thing) I have noticed with me that this usually gets bad when I'm feeling particularly bad about myself. Its usually a self confidence issue for me. Add me if you want and we can talk more!

JoyfullMovement

Sounds like you have taken the first step by seeing the pattern and being able to look at your part. We all have areas to work on and taking a hard look at ourselves is not easy. I believe we are here to learn lessons and the lessons will keep presenting themselves in our lives until we get it.

I suggest talking to your partner, make it clear that you heard the issues and are willing to take responsibility for your part, work on your individual problems and your couple issues also. Make sure he is willing to do the same. If so, try to find a way to couples counseling. If he isn't willing, continue on to counseling yourself. You deserve happiness and to heal the issues keeping you from it. I don't have answers to the specific questions about free services.

Are you a spiritual person? Finding your way to connect to inner peace and gratitude can be such a source of happiness even when going through trying times. Just don't give up on yourself and know you deserve to be happy. It is good you are reaching out for help but also trust what your heart tells you when making your decisions because deep down you have all the answers. Health, help, peace and happiness to you!

stacyann1001

Thanks so much everyone for the suggestions!

I went last night to the local library and picked up a few books, I got "The Five Love Languages" as a few of you recommended and then grabbed one about Appreciating the Man you are with and one for him about how to communicate... i told him there was no pressure for him to read the book but he said he would be happy to browse through it... we've have been talking a lot each night and his parents are coming to take us to dinner tonight so we can talk with them about things... we are also going to ask if they would be willing to help us pay for him to go to a therapist, he said he would be willing to do couples therapy but would really like to see his own therapist first so he can work on some of this issues too... i feel like we have had the chance to open up together for the first time in 3 years...we haven't decided yet if we are going to take a break yet or try working together on everything first but we are hoping the guidance from my parents and his parents will help....

if anyone thinks of anything else please feel free to share!

i know this is going to be a journey not only for him and i but myself... i am going to be trying to work on myself every day and look for that inner piece and happiness i know is possible...

i really appreciate all those that shared with me ideas and some of their own stories. he is the most amazing man i've ever met in my life and i know the relationship and our love is worth it. i know that the effort, tears and hard work that we each are willing to put into is a reminder of how much we both feel for each other and how strong our love really is, part of me is so upset that it took this long for me to see it and to see how much i need to change and work on myself but on the other hand i'm so grateful it happened because i know whatever happens, we both will have changed for the better, even if, in the end, its not us being together.

Brooklynn206

Hi,
I read this post and I do have some thoughts. For one, it sounds like you are doing a lot to better yourself and take responsibility for your actions and emotions. You are on this website, you are seeing a therapist and these signs of reaching out are very good. Without any understanding of who you are and who your boyfriend is, solutions can be difficult. I can say that change and improvement takes time. There is no magic button.

I read tarot. I find that looking at a bigger picture can be very helpful. I would give you a reading if you want. What are your personal goals? Sounds like you are doing many, many things. Maybe he feels inferior since he is unable to provide you with stable income and help as you work and study so hard. Just be true to who you are- you can't go wrong that way even if you guys end up splitting.

Best to you.