Relationship advice... is it just me?!

mooreheat16

Honestly hon, I would feel the exact same way and I would definately be hurt by what he's said! It sounds like he is only calling because he doesn't want you to make a fuss over it. If he came out and said he didn't feel like talking but does it anyway, then his heart obviously isn't in it. Someone you're in a relationship with should "want" to hear your voice and "want" to know how your day is going. It shouldn't be a chore to make conversation with someone you care about.

I my honest opinion, it sounds like he can't handle a long distance relationship and quite frankly may not want to be in the relationship anymore. Why else would you tell someone, "I need my space". Really, you're in New Zealand and he's in the UK, how much more space does he need. It sounds like you've got a lot going for you. Working on your PhD and all. Perhaps he is jealous that you are furthering your education and becoming more independent. Also, the large age difference could play a factor. He could be feeling insecure that you're away and more than likely conversing with a younger crowd and he's feeling intimidated and old.

You have to consider your future and if this is the type of relationship you want to be in. If he already "needs space" and you're away, then what will it be like when you've completed your schooling and move back...food for thought! My idea is...you're young, you've got a nice career ahead of you and it's going to be a long journey...is he the one you want to spend each and every day with? Does he make you feel special, like you're the only woman in the world that matters? If not, may want to take some time to your self to think about what you really want...GOOD LUCK in whatever you decide! I hope it all works out for you!

aippolito1

DUMP the sh|t out of him. I had the same problem with a boyfriend a few years ago. He started off texting me good morning everyday, and he would call on my lunch break to see how my day was going. Then he just quit. I didn't text or call him FIRST to test him and see if he ever would ... A MONTH went by without hearing from him aside from our usual weekly college group "dates" (they were already planned). I dumped him. The last straw was we had basketball games after my college group at church and they picked him as a captain and he didn't even pick me for his team. You deserve WAY better.

Kattaway

End it, and once you reach your fitness goals, start dating guys closer to your age.

You need the excitement, passion and romance that only youth can provide.

I have to disagree on this for 2 reasons:

1) She doesn't have to wait until she reaches her fitness goals to start dating guys closer to her age. There is nothing wrong with her now! She is beautiful just the way she is. and 2) I am 40 and I can attest that I am not too old to enjoy passion, excitement and romance!! I am 40 and will have my first wedding in May. I am wearing the dress, veila and all!! I do not let age dictate how I feel. Isnt the saying you are only as old as you feel?? I feel young, definitely don't feel 40!!

But as far as the original post. It sounds like you need to move on. First thing, why hide the relationship, was/he married?
I have been involved in a long distance relationship for 3 years (and not just stateside distance, we live in different countries). Communication is vital, it's your lifeline to a successful relationship, in ALL relationships, not just where distance plays a part. My fiance' and I speak daily, several times daily. We text, skype and make frequent visits (well until now, everything's been approved for him to move to the US) and we have done this from day one. There hasn't been ONE day in 3 yrs that we haven't spoken in one fashion or another. If he were to tell me that he needed space or didnt need me to return a text, I would be devastated and would definitely think the worse.

I would just move on. Take time for you, focus on YOUR needs in a relationship, date, enjoy the single life!! You are too beautiful to worry about someone who clearly doesn't deserve you!

grobbygru

He sounds married to me!!!! Why would you have to keep it quiet over age??

smplycomplicated

OK, you don't see each other. You don't spend time together. Yet he "needs space". I think that says it all right there. You are beautiful and obviously intelligent. Find someone who wants to be with you instead of someone who feels smothered because you dare to text him to say "Good morning".

^^
that.
*hugs*

grobbygru

OK, you don't see each other. You don't spend time together. Yet he "needs space". I think that says it all right there. You are beautiful and obviously intelligent. Find someone who wants to be with you instead of someone who feels smothered because you dare to text him to say "Good morning".

^^^^^^^^ RIGHT ON!!!!!

hbunting86

Nope he's not married - he got divorced about 15 years ago so that's not the issue. I think he was scared of my/his familys reaction..

lilyflor

it sounds to me like he's done, he may even be seeing someone else (he is a guy, no surprise there) I would talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel (write it on a piece of paper so you won't forget) and see his reaction. Normally when things change, there is no more interest on their part it just means it's over. Sadly to say. Take the initiative to put an end to it now, maybe when you go back if you still have feelings for him, you guys can give it a go, but for now it sounds you're better off focusing on your self. Good luck!

BandedTriaRN

Hey, I'm 52 and happily married to my husband since 1994, he's 12.5 years my jr. He was made for me. I truly think it is perfectly fine for you to have needs and seek a person who can fulfill your needs, who likes you for you, etc. I don't think you are being unrealistic. My husband calls me every day from work and we text back and forth all day long because we love one another and we like to talk to one another. We are very happy. He's my very best friend on Earth. If you want someone that "wants" to call you every day, you have to find someone who likes doing that. Don't try to change someone into what you want them to be but just "be you" and you will find someone who loves you for the person you are, who fulfills your needs and who doesn't make you question yourself and your needs. That is my honest opinion. Everyone, when I was younger and dating, always tried to "make" me play games. My friends would tell me to "act" this way or "act" that way to "get a man", now they are all unhappy and I am truly happy with my husband. I let him see the REAL me and he let me see the REAL him. Honestly really is the best policy unless you want a man who doesn't make you feel loved and missed while you are away for 2 years... even if he does love you, is that what you really want in a relationship? It's up to you to decide what you want tho. Best of luck to you.

natalieg0307

OK, you don't see each other. You don't spend time together. Yet he "needs space". I think that says it all right there. You are beautiful and obviously intelligent. Find someone who wants to be with you instead of someone who feels smothered because you dare to text him to say "Good morning".

I agree with this! ^^^^^^^^

I've been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend.....for most of the 5 years before we got married.....23 years ago. He works nights, so it still feels like a long distance relationship sometimes. He LOVES to get texts from me.....even the silly "Good night" ones.

Be happy. Find someone that makes you happy. When two people that care about each other, aren't together......they WANT that communication....a text.....a phone call. You are better off without him. Hang in there.

deniserenee_02

Long distance relationships are extreamly hard. I hope he isn't seeing someone else.

amykathleen2005

This probably won't sound very nice, but how did he feel about you leaving him to "clear your head". Isn't that what a boyfriend is supposed to help with?

You need to see each other personally if this is going to work out. Surely one of you can go to the other for at least a short trip.

hbunting86

I think he understood me leaving - but he never tried to stop me. After spending so long nursing my dad through terminal cancer, my initial plan was to have a working holiday visa for a year then come back - but I was offered a fully funded PhD scholarship with international level researchers so I just couldn't turn that down for my future.

I am planning to head back to the UK for a break soon, now that my finances are sorted.

The way I look at it is that he has had more than twenty years more life experience than me, and I can't deprive myself of seeing some of the world. I love him dearly, but I can't make him feel any different about me. It's just so confusing as he SAYS he loves me and he misses me, but then things like this happens and I wouldn't even think about what he said to me, let alone say it... it just doesn't seem right.

I'm not a run-around-giddy-party animal 26 year old.. I have an old head on young shoulders and sometimes this is to my detriment, as I click so much better with people older than myself, both in friendships and relationships. I just don't want to feel bad about wanting someone to be excited to talk to me or see me.

grobbygru

Just enjoy your awesome opportunities in life mate. If he were 'that into you' - you'd know it. Don't waste your precious time on this bloke. There are plenty of hot kiwis over there!!!
Good on you for taking the time to 'find yourself' after your dad's illness and death too. I have done the same thing in the last 8 months or so after losing my dad. It can be a risk - but so many people don't recognise when they need to 'regroup' after these major life incidences.
You go girl!!!!

buckystars

Sorry to be blunt but when they start making reference to their own space it's a pretty good sign they're just not into it anymore.

This. Sorry.

MaggiePuccini

Thanks for the advice/comments - I kind of figured that would be the direction, and you're right I'd sort of got the answer in my head but sometimes weirdly it's easier and clearer hearing it from others.

Yes, I guess the parameters have changed. The plan was I finish my PhD then go back home and live with him and work there but more and more I'm seeing that that is not going to be fair on either of us. I could understand if I text him multiple times per day, or long messages but it's genuinely not - and constantly re-iterate that if he's busy or out or doesn't want to talk that's fine... I don't get upset about it - I'm not emotionally needy in that respect. What winds me up is being MADE to look needy just by expecting the very basic things in a relationship. What kind of put the nail in harder was that I've had two birthdays here and never even had a card from him. I think I'm flogging a dead horse and going to have to be the more mature one in this, ironically.

Wow. Think about that, if you got a text from a friend and you felt irritated or crowded rather than any other emotion. I have done the long term relationship thing. I'm Irish and at one point I had an English bf. We didn't have the issue of time differences. But I know I just drifted away from the whole idea and to be brutally honest I began to find keeping in touch a chore. I no longer looked forward to hearing from him. It was something I had to do. Like ringing into work to catch up on something while on holiday!! A tiresome but necessary interruption to my real life! AS they say, men tell you what you need to know IF you listen.

TwinkieDong

WOW! I didnt read all of the responses too many to read. However the first few all from women seem absolutely off base from reality. I think this is part of the problem with relationships these days, people quit them at the slight of any problem. It is simply to easy to walk away, then they state they cant find anyone,etc. However with that stated, I am 36 and can relate to the text thing. I would much rather talk on the phone or email than text. However even talking to me feels like I am talking to a wall. So I would much rather have meaningful conversations less frequently over less idea conversations more frequently. Quality over quantity.

Being in your 20's these are the best times of your life. Do what you ultimately need to do for yourself. As long as you continue to grow, improve yourself, your situation, do what you need to do.

BTW my post wasnt to bash anyone, I am sorry I somewhat made assumptions, that is just my feeling.

EmCarroll1990

It's definitely not you. My fiancé is 25 years my senior and I would kick his *kitten* if he made a comment like that. That's not fair for you as he's being totally rude. I'd say tell him how you're feeling and figure some stuff out.

bikermike5094

You bf is my age.
Forget it.
I would be much too crotchety for any 26 year old, young woman.
Your needs would bore me; it'd be like trying to relate to one of my kids or something.
Gut reaction?
End it, and once you reach your fitness goals, start dating guys closer to your age.

You need the excitement, passion and romance that only youth can provide.
Just an opinion.

I totally second this... your young and beautiful with a great career and life ahead of you. Dump the geezer and start living life!!!

KariQuiteContrary

I completely echo the advice given so far. While age isn't always a factor and doesn't necessarily mean issues for the relationship, some of what you've mentioned in your posts definitely does.

The fact that while you were there he felt the need to hide it based on age says to me that he's embarrassed by the age difference.
It also screams "warning sign" that, while you don't obsessively or excessively contact him especially if he's busy and it seems haven't expressed that he "needs" to do so............he apparently feels that way.

You are young and if this is your first "real" relationship, my advice, as hard as it may be, would be to move on and live a little. You deserve someone who wants to be with you 100%. It shouldn't feel like an obligation or chore to contact and interact with you especially since you're so far away. It doesn't mean you have to date someone your own age necessarily but (as you sort of mentioned) you have the desire and right to have some of those "life experiences" that his 20 plus years have afforded him. Relationships with age differences can't really work if the older party let's their so called maturity weigh the younger one down.

(For reference, this is just my opinion and you do need to do what's right for you. Just though you might appreciate the perspective of a younger woman also in a relationship with an older man (I am 27, my bf is 40))

Best of luck to you in life and love!