I am completely burnt out.

BioShocked89

I haven't been following my program for several weeks now. I would log, work out, keep under my calories. And then two hours after I finished my online day, I'd gorge anyway. There was a three day stretch where I tried eating just above 1200 calories a day and that got me no where.

My grandparents have been on my back constantly questioning my way of taking care of Scarlett, my daughter (4 months old). It doesn't matter that I am always ready with her bottle at all hours, and will bring her out of her room to sleep next to me because she's too cold because she kicks off her blankets. It doesn't matter how warmly I dress her, or how often I worry about her and whether or not I'm doing it right. It's NEVER good enough and I am going to, quote, "Make that baby sick or get her hurt." They are constantly giving me advice I don't ask for or want, and when I try to politely change the subject they continue on and on about how I'm not doing it right and I need to do this their way. I know my daughter, I know when she'll be fine with a layer less because like me and her father, she gets so warm she'll sweat which is also not good for her in cold weather. I know how much she needs to eat to prevent acid reflux. I know when she cries, when she's going to cry, and why, 9 times out of 10.

I have been consumed by my dirty, smelly, disgusting apartment which I am going to have to move from because I have cats and cats are not allowed at these apartments. For those of you who are sure to say, "Oh they're just cats, get rid of them." Please just stop right there, I have had them in my life for 10 years and they are my family. Second of all, no one has asked to take them. Third, I refuse to let some stranger I don't trust take them to find they've been tortured to death in the news the next day, or send them to a shelter where no one will take them because they are so old.

I've been going to work at a job where I help elderly clients which I love them to death, but I usually feel pretty useless because aside from helping them move to and from, all the chores and tasks are done by my fellow caregivers before I arrive. I just found out I'm working on Valentines Day, my daughter's first V-Day, and one I had planned on spending with my family. The days drag on and on and I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything or earning my paycheck.

I've been focused on school. I'm only taking one course, but it's a 4 credit hour course, German 150. I've been to every class this semester-which before my daughter was born this would have never happened.

The most important parts of all of this are: I feel like I'm losing my connection with my 4 month old daughter and her father, who is my boyfriend and our anniversary is coming up on 2 years on March 9th. I miss her so much and I thought this was a light load, having a part time job and going to one class. But between class, work, studying, cleaning, errands, taking care of my daughter (not bonding, just feeding with a bottle and changing her diaper), and taking care of bills I just don't have time. With my boyfriend, I am angry at him every other day for stupid things. I try so hard to get perspective and think of how he feels but I cannot because I am so burned out on it.

Then there's me. I have no time to do what I want anymore, between taking care of everything else and trying to get enough sleep.The only reason I can type this long is because it's now 5:21 am and I can't sleep, which I will pay for dearly later. I don't get to sit down and watch tv shows or play video games with Nich. Hell, I'm lucky if I have the time/energy to have bath time with my baby girl. I want to lose weight desperately and I am terrified to hop on the scale this morning and see what damage I've caused myself. I don't have time to exercise without sacrificing something else important. I tried so hard to stick on task, but I kept getting hungry for no reason (I made sure to eat filling meals), which looking back we can easily assume it's stress related.

I'm wide freaking awake (and have been since 4 am EST) and have taken out 30 lbs of garbage. (Consider that all of that is plastic, cardboard, and diapers. Then tell me it's not a lot) Here I was hoping that my professor would have SURELY posted the study guide to the test on Wednesday by now, but NO. I am ready to murder the next stupid driver who almost kills me and my family and then gives us snide looks for the red light THEY ran. I swear I am ready to DESTROY the next person who crosses me.

I feel like I'm a giant wrecking ball (on purpose fat self reference) trying to take down buildings one story at a time. By the time I get down to the last story that needs to be demolished, three new 10 story buildings have popped up in its place. And as I go to work on the others, the land developers have hired lousy construction workers to do a horrible job of rebuilding, and I know they're going to call me back to demolish that nightmare when they're done.

I am completely burnt out on everything and I just have no idea where to go at this point. Thanks to anyone who reads all of this by the way, I know it's a lot.

Bottom line is, I want help. I want advice. Give me inspiration. Tell me how hard you guys have it and tell me how you get through it.

econut2000

It certainly sounds like you have a lot going on in your life right now and you are trying to be perfect and please everyone. You aren't going to be perfect. You will never please everyone. Your obligation right now is to take care of you and your child - nothing else matters. It sounds like you are an emotional eater (like me) and I wish I could give you some sage advice, but honestly I have the same problem. I get stressed out, can't sleep, end up eating, get stressed out, can't sleep, end up eating.....and we start all over again and again and again. The best thing is to reduce the stressors in your life. If your grandparents are what seems to stress you out the most then limit time spent with them, or re-think your relationship to them - at the very least talk to them in all seriousness and tell them exactly how you feel. That might help with the binging. Another thing is eat more! Twelve-hundred calories is not a lot. You might be hungrier than you think - readjust your settings so you are losing a pound a week instead of 2. I also try distracting myself from wanting to eat with other activities. It works sometimes, but not others. You DO need to give in once in a while. Last week, I was craving Taco Bell every single night. I avoided going, every night but binged on something else. I finally went, settled my craving, and I'm back to behaving myself for the last few days again. Sometimes you just have to say screw it! :drinker:

Remember, we're all human. We can only do so much. It sounds like you are trying to better your life, but that road isn't always an easy one! You will stumble, we all do, but what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger! You can do it, just don't put so much pressure on yourself and you will be fine

gemiwing

Wow- you are in a rough patch all right. People all over you telling you what to do when you already are trying to do it, feeling like you are letting your baby down- letting yourself down through your diet/exercise. In the end- finding comfort in food you don't really want... we want the comfort not the food.

I got a long sob story- thing is it doesn't mean anything anymore. It's what happened not what is going to happen from now on.

I have absolute faith you have the ability to clean the apartment, bond with your baby, find peace AND workout and eat right.

Cleaning counts as exercise- log it. Carrying a crying baby around the bedroom counts as walking- log it. Even simply standing to read a book is better than sitting on the bed and secretly eating our shame. Eat your exercise calories- they're better than starving and then cramming to comfort our now painful bellies.

I'm not a Mommie but I am a daughter of a single parent and our bonding took place plenty of times just a few hours a day. I have great memories of Mom coming home late at night from her second shift job (first shift was going back to college). She would sneak in my room and for five minutes she would hold me. Just five minutes and the quality of that made the whole day.

Reality seldom looks like the tv- y'know? All those perfect families with the perfect house and perfect jobs, perfect teeth and perfect emotions- just lies to sell us ads. Reality is messy and I fully believe you can deal AND rise above it.

Don't give up

trinitymel1982

hun it sounds like you need to go see a DR, as that looks just like a list I would have written when I had postnatal Depression. Have you tryed explaning how your feeling to someone who you trust ? I dont know where in the world you are but hear is a link that could maby help a little www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and.../post-natal_depression

gemiwing

hun it sounds like you need to go see a DR, as that looks just like a list I would have written when I had postnatal Depression. Have you tryed explaning how your feeling to someone who you trust ? I dont know where in the world you are but hear is a link that could maby help a little www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and.../post-natal_depression

Excellent point- so glad you brought that up.

chooklady

Well not knowing you but I read: you have a healthy baby, you have a job, you are passing a course, you have a boyfriend , you lost at least some still of 19 lbs, you love animals and keep them alive, you take out garbage, you have painful parents who show their love through worry ... And you show your love for everything around you by worrying to death. Like, it might run in the family that bit.
So you care.
The baby will be fine, it gets warmth, food, clean nappy and a hug in bed. It's probably giving you a nine out of ten at least.
Just go a little easier on yourself. I can tell you are a wonderful caring person and you can drop something if you are too tired or work smarter in the way you organize things. Be your own best friend , kind and firm. I am sure there will be a session break sooner or later from studies and you can sleep more. You are kind of taking 2 courses you know: child care and German. The child care one is worth heaps of credit points and just try to see all those comments as badly expressed love and deep care.

neo200120018

Hiya sounds like your going through alot!

tip one tell your grandparents how you feel
feeding baby is bonding talk to her as you do it! read her your textbook while cuddling!
only have ok snacks in the house, rice crackers, carrots and yummy salsa or hummus
take baby and bf for a walk increases ur cals and time together
buy a sleep sack, stops baby from kicking blankets off with room to move
Record a book to be played to baby if you have to work/study

Hope this helps and remember to breath! Google progressive muscle relaxation to help you sleep when you cant

neo200120018

hun it sounds like you need to go see a DR, as that looks just like a list I would have written when I had postnatal Depression. Have you tryed explaning how your feeling to someone who you trust ? I dont know where in the world you are but hear is a link that could maby help a little www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and.../post-natal_depression

Excellent point- so glad you brought that up.

are you under your midwife/baby nurse still? talk to them about how your feeling. As a psych nurse I wouldn't reccomend self diagnosing leads to worse but talk to a proffesional!

monkeymouse74

Hi, I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time. :flowerforyou: Firstly EVERYONE seems to think they know better when it comes to raising a child!!!:explode: Trust your instincts thats how mothers have done it over thousands of years. You might need to tell your grandparents to back off because they're not helping with the comments.

Your baby is only four months old, so surely your hormones are off kilter still?(I cannot have children, so I might be way off on this). And it sounds like you have too much going on in your life that you feel YOU have to be responsable for. Have you told your boyfriend how you feel? maybe he can step in and help with some things to free you up a bit? you cant do much about work and study, but maybe tell your doctor how you're feeling? A friend of mine was having a really hard time coping with all the extras after having her little girl, the doctor told her it was post partum depression, she said to me she felt nothing like what others had described. She loved her baby and wanted her with her all the time, she just could'nt cope with all the other expectations. The doctor gave her some very mild anti depressants, and it was like a light switched on for her.

Dont put so much pressure on yourself, do what you can and the rest will follow. Your diet and exercise will be tough even without all the rest of your problems, but once you find your own routine, it should all fall into place again. It might also be a good idea to draw up a weekly planner to help you get the most out of your days without burning out and feeling frustrated,upset etc.

I hope I've helped a bit, I also hope you find the balance and feel happier soon...:flowerforyou:

Sixalicious

Welcome to Motherhood, hun. It's a never ending ball of sacrifice that never ends, but is greatly rewarded in the end. I just wanted to point out a couple of things because it sounds like you are stressed and sleep deprived. For your grandparents, stop masking your feelings and changing the subject. I know you want to respect them, but respect goes two ways. You have to be confident when you address them and let them know that while you had great examples of what being a mother is supposed to be, it's your baby and you know how to take care of her. Let them know that the comments and unsolicited advice is stressing you out and that it's something you don't have time to deal with as a new mother. The key words here are new mother. Let them know that as a new mother you are trying to find your own rhythm just like she did when she became a new mother. Communication is key.
When I first became a mother I wanted to spend every waking moment with my baby so I understand what you mean about bonding. Feedings and diaper changings are great waya to bond. You have to stop looking at the quantity of time you spend with her and start appreciating the quality of time you spend with her. Sing to her, talk to her, and engage her when h,you feed her or change her diaper. Sit her in your lap when you study and read yoir lesson aloud to her. She's four months old and will enjoy what ever moments you have even if its time listening to your school lesson.
Bottomline is that you have to take control of your situation and try not to let it get the best of you. Don't be afraid to ask your friends for help with the apartment either. A true friend will understand your situation and be happy to lend a helping hand. Oj, and I wouldnt get rid of the cats either. I have one and she is like one of my kids.
I hope that you are able to find some balance soon. I know you are disappointed about V-Day, but a day of love can come anyday of the week or year. :-) Good luck to you. Maybe a cup of tea will help you relax or writing in a journal. Hopefully, the weather will get warm soon and you will be able to take your little one out for walks together. Hope you can get some rest soon.

Emilia6909

You have taken the time to write this long post for no other reason other than that things are not right in your life. I commend you for putting pen to paper - that is often the hardest thing to do.
It would be hard to advice you on your matters, but you are right about NEEDING help. Would you have access to a counsellor so that you can air your problems? I hope so, because that is the next step you need to take. Just someone to help you put things in perspective and who would understand your scenario so much better when face to face.

I have suffered from BurnOut too and it was a devastating experience. You are probably suffering from a little bit of post natal depression without knowing it. No shame in that. A lot of woman do, but suffer in silence to avoid being judged!

Only you can get your life in order, but with small steps at a time. You seem committed to making the effort but put everything you want to change in an order of importance and work from that. Rather make one good change then stress about all the changes you have to make.

Your grandparents have experience you don't have yet and probably means well. Don't resent them for that. They can see that you are self destructing, hence the nagging. Perhaps acknowledge them for the effort they're making to care. Sit them down and tell them exactly how you're feeling. They love you no doubt! Reassure them that you're doing your absolute best for your little one. That is the best any mother can do.

Sounds like you're doing extremely well with school. Well done! You're a pretty pretty girl who could have the world at your feet. Value yourself for the benefit of yourself and your daughter.

I wish you well on this journey. Right now it seems you have too many mountains to climb and life is not easy and having extra heavy baggage makes it so much harder.

Hugs & stuff
xxx

Jennieam

You asked us to comment, and make suggestions, so I'll do my best. You sound to me as though you are over-tired - when this happens, everything seems worse than it is.

For example, don't stress about your job. If they are happy with the work you are doing, and the paycheck is OK, then don't worry about it. If you feel that others are accomplishing more than you, then that's OK. It will be your turn some other time.

It sounds to me as though your grandparents are concerned about your baby. Well its possible that they are picking up on the fact that you are stressed/tired, and are anxious about her. It is good that they care, however they need to be aware that its your baby.

Do you have a friend you could leave the baby with for an hour or two, so you can just catch up on some sleep or do you have a friend you can visit for a coffee and chat?

Are you eating enough? Are you eating healthy foods? You need to take care of yourself too. I suspect that if you get enough sleep, and eat healthy you will be able to cope with your grandparents, and boyfriend easier. Don't be too hard on yourself. You don't have to be perfect, or accomplish everything overnight.

Take care.

tinacc1

Aw, Hunny, take a deep breath. You have so much positive going on in your life too. One of the others who posted also said what I feel...TV 'Reality' shows don't have anything to do with real Reality! What you're going through is real life, and it seems like you have a good head on your shoulders. You're going to get through all this just fine. It seems really tough right now, but it'll pass. The baby is getting older every day, you're getting one day closer to the end of school, every day. Don't be afraid to ask for help. You DO NOT have to be resposible for everyone. It's really important that you put yourself on the list of people to care for. I went through something like you're going through. Living in a new city ( several times) with nobody to help out, my husband worked out of town for weeks at a time, and I had to be the 'perfect ' caregiver for the house, pets and kids. It's tough, but it gets better. Please tell your doc how you're feeling, also your boyfriend. Let him take some of the responsiblity, you didn't get pregnant alone, so you don't have to go through this alone.
I also have been eating my feelings for years, it doesn't help. Now, I am trying to exercise every day, and I don't care if that means the dishes don't get washed until 8 pm, or if we have to eat tinned soup and grilled cheese for supper. I can't afford a gym membership every month, so I go snow showing and take my youngest (she's 10 now) with me. Or we do stretches and floor exercises together. Stick with us here at MFP, and you'll get through this. It's tough being a new Mom, and you're working and a student as well. You seem to be heading in the right direction, so stop with the nightly self-sabotage, and realize that it's all about the attitude that you have. If you are putting out negative thoughts and feelings, that's what's going to come back to you. When you put out positive feelings , only positive will come back. It'll take some getting used to, but try to put a positive spin on everything. This is just making you stronger. Sometimes a good rant helps. Write it down, and get it out. We're here for you. God Bless!

liog

I agree that you should talk with your doctor about postpartum depression. I had it after the birth of my first daughter. It was a combination of hormones and all of the stresses in my life - husband in Iraq throughout my whole pregnancy, him coming home and us being out of sync, trying to go to school, sleep deprivation, my mother-in-law constantly giving me parenting advice (finally I had to tell her to quit harping on me), feeling isolated, etc. I talked with my OB who suggested I go to a talk counselor. It was the best thing ever. I saw her for over a year, through my second pregnancy. You have a lot going on. Don't be so hard on yourself.

As for the calories, for me, when I'm sleep deprived I am starving most of the day. Maybe up your calories a bit with healthy foods and see if that helps. Starving yourself on top of everything else isn't going to make you feel good.

(((hugs)))

Oh, and with kids, it is the quality of the time you spend with them, not the quantity.

jrsey86

Welcome to Motherhood, hun. It's a never ending ball of sacrifice that never ends, but is greatly rewarded in the end. I just wanted to point out a couple of things because it sounds like you are stressed and sleep deprived. For your grandparents, stop masking your feelings and changing the subject. I know you want to respect them, but respect goes two ways. You have to be confident when you address them and let them know that while you had great examples of what being a mother is supposed to be, it's your baby and you know how to take care of her. Let them know that the comments and unsolicited advice is stressing you out and that it's something you don't have time to deal with as a new mother. The key words here are new mother. Let them know that as a new mother you are trying to find your own rhythm just like she did when she became a new mother. Communication is key.
When I first became a mother I wanted to spend every waking moment with my baby so I understand what you mean about bonding. Feedings and diaper changings are great waya to bond. You have to stop looking at the quantity of time you spend with her and start appreciating the quality of time you spend with her. Sing to her, talk to her, and engage her when h,you feed her or change her diaper. Sit her in your lap when you study and read yoir lesson aloud to her. She's four months old and will enjoy what ever moments you have even if its time listening to your school lesson.
Bottomline is that you have to take control of your situation and try not to let it get the best of you. Don't be afraid to ask your friends for help with the apartment either. A true friend will understand your situation and be happy to lend a helping hand. Oj, and I wouldnt get rid of the cats either. I have one and she is like one of my kids.
I hope that you are able to find some balance soon. I know you are disappointed about V-Day, but a day of love can come anyday of the week or year. :-) Good luck to you. Maybe a cup of tea will help you relax or writing in a journal. Hopefully, the weather will get warm soon and you will be able to take your little one out for walks together. Hope you can get some rest soon.

^ This!!! All of this is excellent advice.

Also, as a fellow gamer, I can understand the frustration of not having time for fun. I used to get aggravated with my fiance because he worked less, made more money, and had more time to game than I did. Although...if you're running around like crazy sacrificing for your present and future, why is your boyfriend gaming? I don't know your situation and I'm not judging, but it seems to me that he needs to take you into consideration. Maybe he could pick up more hours at work so you could stop working, which would free you up a little extra time to be with your daughter. Or, if possible, take a break from school after this semester. When things calm down, then you can go to school. Share your frustrations with your grandparents...they may not know how much this affects you.

Trust your instincts. They are rarely wrong. You WILL get through this and be stronger for it. Take care, dear!