Need some advice about my mum

freeloaves

Hi guys.

My mum is very overweight. Has been whole life pretty much. Is the reason I have been my whole life too.

I'd say she's about 140kgs (300+lb).

She has a very stuffed up ankle - so there's the excuse for no exercise. She recently (past few months) got diagnosed with diabetes. Is she doing anything about it? No. Last time I went around, chocolate, sweets. Her blood sugar was at 12 on boxing day. Yet she says she eats well. No, no she doesn't. Whenever we go out, I encourage her to chose healthier option. But I'm afraid she'll get mad.

In Jan 09 she started Weight Watchers with me. I lost 20+kgs (40+lbs). She lost 10kgs. And didn't continue. And just put it all back on.

She's always like "I'm not in the right mindframe".

She's going to get very sick and die too young. She's 54.



My thoughts are to stage a huge intervention. My dad doesn't help at all. I think he doesn't want to hurt her feelings.
I want to go around, have some harsh but loving words, say "I'm clearing out your cupboards. Use these recipe books. Buy these foods. Go for a walk for 10mins every night."

I live a diabetic lifestyle and I'm not even diabetic myself! She can LEARN off me. But I just don't know if doing this will help. I've tried to say things in the past. And she gets upset and doesn't take it on

kit_katty

She's a grown woman, you can't force her to do something she doesn't want or isn't ready to do.

My Dad has been kind of the same way, he's a diabetic and even after being diagnosed, never did anything about it until recently, until after it's already done damage to his legs and hearing. He wasn't ready to do something about it. Stupid, annoying, but ultimately his decision. Pushing will only push her away. She knows what she has to do. Lead by example.

missikay1970

i'm very sorry for your struggle as i have a similar issue. from my personal experience, someone has to "get it" themselves and no one (no matter what!) can make them get into a healthy lifestyle until THEY ARE READY. we have tried several approaches with my mom, including my brother berating her, throwing out all her food, etc. she even had a heart attack & stroke. upon her recovery, she still doesn't lead a healthy lifestyle. as hard and sad as it is, you just have to leave her alone. continue to make healthy choices when she is around, and encourage her as best you can, but there is no way to "make" someone change their life. :frown:

iKapuniai

You can't help someone who doesn't want the help. She pretty much needs to help herself.

Maybe just educate her a bit more about her health, help her be more aware of her choices, and express your worries and frustrations and let her know that you're scared for her. That's pretty much all you can do, until she's ready.

Good luck.

Love and Alohas,
Ihilani Kapuniai

myopus

[...] Pushing will only push her away. She knows what she has to do. Lead by example.

Lead by example. Maybe for this you could spend some time in the kitchen (hers or yours) and try cooking new recipes together, with the emphasis being on the recipe seeming similar to what she would normally enjoy (less emphasis on the interesting 'healthicized' components). Don't talk about caloric content or how the cheese (that you purchased for it) is part-skim or has less calories; though that will be in your mind, you don't want that to be in hers. For her, you're enjoying quality time together and working towards a meal that will taste great. Sometimes people believe in their heart-of-hearts that they honestly just won't enjoy the food very much if it's a little healthier. It's a real conflict because it's a suspicion that the decision to eat healthier is to let go of something that is very much a pleasure in a life not necessarily overflowing with them.

And congratulations on your own success. Your becoming healthier has continuing impact on her, even if you can't find any evidence of it right now. Through decisive actions, you are healthier and happier, and that can't be 100% filtered away. I believe it's a blessing to help others find their way to their fullest potential. But I also fully believe that strengthening oneself is the absolute foundation to helping others. You can help more and in far more ways, and then enjoy the full cycle that is empowering her is empowering you is empowering her..

Try for recipe-nights, no health talk (for now), and hang in there, inspiring her in that invisible way you do.

[One more thing: make sure you have (or provide) all the ingredients beforehand!]

hooligansmom

My dad is in a similar situation. When he came to visit, I mentioned that I was eating healthy and had lost a few pounds. He claimed he was eating healthy too, as we sat at breakfast. Me...egg whites, whole grain toast, tomatoes, a bit of cheese. Dad...pecan roll! I have always respected his choice to live as he sees fit, but I just don't like to hear him blaming the doctor, the exercise equipment, and the food. I have decided to just brush it off, but I wish he would DO SOMETHING SERIOUS about the weight.

girlholiday

You can't force someone to change. I know it's hard to watch. Just let her know you want to help her when she's ready. Try coming over and cooking for her, or with her. Bring over healthy options that you enjoy. Tell her about your own success. Hopefully she'll want to follow suit and want to be apart of your new life style.

Aerohead21

I agree it is hard to watch. My mom keeps saying she wants to lose weight but she never does. She also doesn't listen to me when I try to introduce her to healthier food choices. She has been diabetic since she was 16 and over 250 pounds for the past seven years. I don't know how to reach her either.

I learned all my eating habits from her which explains why I have always been fat, but I refuse to teach my son those same habits.

Good luck with your mom. I hope she comes around soon.

bouquet77

Well although I agree with everyone on here that it is her decision I think you need to interveine tell her that your scared and worried and tell her you will do it together. and if your that worried get some infrmation leaflets and choose your time and sit down with her she may get upset but is because she knows your right. I lost my mum to Cancer when I was 20 and she was 50 and i tell you what I wish her only issue had been her weight. I think you need to be cruel to be kind and maybe say to her "how would you feel if you was me and I was killing myself for some nice food?" suggest meeting up every day for that walk motivation is what has kept me going recently and I only get that from those around me and you guys ! Tell her how much you love her every day and remind her that in 20 years you still want to be able to say that to her,

Good Luck I feel your pain I really do x x x x x

thea724

Hi guys.

My mum is very overweight. Has been whole life pretty much. Is the reason I have been my whole life too.

I'd say she's about 140kgs (300+lb).

She has a very stuffed up ankle - so there's the excuse for no exercise. She recently (past few months) got diagnosed with diabetes. Is she doing anything about it? No. Last time I went around, chocolate, sweets. Her blood sugar was at 12 on boxing day. Yet she says she eats well. No, no she doesn't. Whenever we go out, I encourage her to chose healthier option. But I'm afraid she'll get mad.

In Jan 09 she started Weight Watchers with me. I lost 20+kgs (40+lbs). She lost 10kgs. And didn't continue. And just put it all back on.

She's always like "I'm not in the right mindframe".

She's going to get very sick and die too young. She's 54.



My thoughts are to stage a huge intervention. My dad doesn't help at all. I think he doesn't want to hurt her feelings.
I want to go around, have some harsh but loving words, say "I'm clearing out your cupboards. Use these recipe books. Buy these foods. Go for a walk for 10mins every night."

I live a diabetic lifestyle and I'm not even diabetic myself! She can LEARN off me. But I just don't know if doing this will help. I've tried to say things in the past. And she gets upset and doesn't take it on

TOUGH LOVE!!
SPELL IT OUT FOR HER....
IF NOTHING CHANGES = N O T H I N G C H A N G E S!!!
summon the courage and tell her flat out, how you feel and what the result of this lifestyle will lead to...
offer help, but don't do it for her, because it won't last...
She won't stay mad forever....people are scared of change or just plain don't want to do the work....
If she refuses, at least you know you did what you could....the rest is up to her.
Good Luck!

freeloaves

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I have taken all your words in and I'm going to talk to my bf about what he thinks about it too, tonight.

So far, going with the plan of talking to her, saying worried etc and here to help - can take her shopping, give her cook books, come over and cook once a night etc.

Hope she won't be too upset

Sorry to all who are also/have also gone through this