I can't believe I'm scared?

cjpg

This is gonna sound nuts. ABSOLUTELY nuts. But I'm scared big time of losing weight.

Don't get me wrong, more than ANYTHING I want to reach my goal weight. I want muscular tone. I want to be that 'trophy boyfriend' to my girl, so to speak.

But I'm scared of the change! I'm terrified that when I reach my goal weight, get those muscles and look in the mirror - I won't be able to recognise myself! And I know it's because all my life I've associated my sense of self with being overweight. Like it or not, it has defined a lot of who I am for a lot of my life.

I'm ready to change it - no, I've already been ready since FOUR MONTHS AGO - I want this. There's no question about it.

But why am I scared of this?!

BrendaLee

It makes sense that there are a lot of emotions attached to this. When you've been one way your whole life, and now you're planning/trying to be something completely different, you have to wonder how you're going to wrap your brain around the changes. I feel ya!

Rayman79

As humans, we are unfortunately pre-programmed to have a fear of the unknown and un-familiar. It is similar to the reason we normally seek partners and friends with whom we share commonalities. It is the reason that not many people make any significant fundamental change throughout their lives.

I completely understand what you are saying, it is something I analyse within myself on a very regular basis. How will my life change when I'm no longer the 'big guy' of the group? Will I be able to maintain this forever or will I (and others) just have an expectation of failure. How will I feel if I get all the praise and admiration for making a change, just to let it slide...

I have always been overweight, as a kid (my parents ignored this often and made no changes to our lifestyle), as a young adult I was always the funny guy - I will admit that served me reasonably well though .

I don't think I had one single moment when I hit the switch and changed my life, but it happened through educating myself etc, and I know this is a change I am going to stick with (I have been here for 155 days and not missed a single meal). This is a part of my life now, and I know I have made the effort to build the knowledge base and support systems around me to make sure I succeed.

I firmly believe that once I get to the destination (physically), that the mental shift will come, and that the new me will actually become the 'norm' in due time. That I have to put down to faith, but regardless of what happens I know that I have at least made healthier lifestyle choices and added a few years to my use-by date, and to me that is the most important thing of all.

MisdemeanorM

fear of failure?

BlaireV

Oh I know the feeling. I was terrified of losing weight even before I lost anything. Now, (after losing 30 pounds), I get emotional when I try on new clothes. I bought jeans the other day that are a size smaller than I ever imagined I could fit into, and I (oddly) felt kind of sad. We just need to remember that even though we've physically changed, we're still the same people. We're not betraying that overweight person that used to look back at us in the mirror, we're just improving them best of luck on your journey x

skyeashlee

hey i thought i was the only one who felt like this !!! lol i was saying to my fiance just the other day actually that is it weird to be scared to lose weight?? he said a little bit.... im interested to see the responses cause i ask the same question..
do you know why your scared? is it just that u wont recognise urself ???? ur not alone bud !!!! lets take on the challenge anyways, and looks like ur already smashing it !! congrats !!!! enjoy getting to know the new u, who has always been there :O)

This is gonna sound nuts. ABSOLUTELY nuts. But I'm scared big time of losing weight.

Don't get me wrong, more than ANYTHING I want to reach my goal weight. I want muscular tone. I want to be that 'trophy boyfriend' to my girl, so to speak.

But I'm scared of the change! I'm terrified that when I reach my goal weight, get those muscles and look in the mirror - I won't be able to recognise myself! And I know it's because all my life I've associated my sense of self with being overweight. Like it or not, it has defined a lot of who I am for a lot of my life.

I'm ready to change it - no, I've already been ready since FOUR MONTHS AGO - I want this. There's no question about it.

But why am I scared of this?!

Kymmu

It's all about or self perception.
But try and think of those nerves as excitement and anticipation of the good times and healthy life ahead.
I am often surprised when I see a post like the one before mine. (Rayman)
I would never have though of him as anything else but a healthy, fit, lean guy, because I didn't see him before - no perception of him except what I see now.
You will gradually stop relating to the old you and embrace the change with relish!
Good Luck!

chelso0o

It is for this very reason that I had a major setback a few months ago. Then, I am not sure what, but I realized that I *deserve* to be healthy. I *deserve* to be able to move my body the way that it is meant to be moved. I *deserve* to not be the biggest person in the room. I *deserve* to be able to shop in normal stores.

I think the scared went away when the confidence started.

Start telling yourself that you deserve these things, and fake it til you make it. It works!!!

JJhoney

took the words right out of my mouth

idahogirl71

I too deal with this very thing. I panic when I begin to notice change in my weight, change in how my clothes fit, and when others notice and compliment or comment. I lost 53 pounds in 6 months last year. I panicked after the first 30 was gone. I sat at a plateau for weeks and I believe it was because stress makes you retain or gain. Then I decided I was worth more than what the scale told me, that I too deserve to lose weight and look good and feel better. I also came to the realization that my weight does not make me who I am....I will still be the same person on the inside when the excess pounds are gone.

Troy67

Hey, that is perfectly normal. I have been heavy since around the age of 11 or 12. Even if it was subconscious, I know I felt the same way. That is why I decided till my 40's to do something about it. I was comfortable being the funny guy, etc. The mind/body image thing is pretty crazy as well. When I was at 336 pounds I could look in the mirror and think I am not that big, I don't look that fat. Just protecting myself, I suppose.
But, you will not believe how much you will be glad you put yourself through all that hard work. Good luck to you and do it for yourself and never look back!

Troy

vestarocks

Thanks so much for you honesty.

Just remember that the essence of "you" will not change. It always upsets me when I see people who have lost a lot of weight look back on their before picture and say, with disgust, how "they will never be that person again." Makes me sad. I love myself fat and I love myself enough to get healthy. I think the scariest part will be when people stop commenting on the loss, like after it's all gone and they get used to you thin. No more attention for being heavy or thin.

I hear you about your identity being wrapped up in being the big guy. I'm used to being the big girl and my hubby the big guy. I'm so ready to be the fit and healthy girl in the group.

Remember to breathe. This will become your lifestyle and part of you. "You" are not going anywhere - just gettin' healthier and hotter.

Hugs.

smantha32

I've been told by some health and fitness people I know.. can't say for sure if it's true,.. that fat holds emotional memories.

That all the feelings you stuffed down when you were overeating, will surface again as you let go of the fat.

Like I said, can't say for sure it's true, but i try to keep that in mind when I feel something that seems out of place to me when I'm working on this.

Pandorian

It can be hard to "take control" and do it, I "let go" in school and ended up filling the "image" I had that others had of me, a really heavy guy... you know the ribbing... oh you're the "first aid dummy to be used for how to wrap something" and 'we need another roll of gauze one's not enough for him.

It was plenty but it sure got under my skin apparently as I did go on to 'fil" that image... I'm doing it for me though, now, and I wouldn't want it any other way. I was NOT all that big in school I used to walk / hike / canoe / bicycle ALL the time and was pretty active including the odd bike ride to school which was about 30km each way.

But getting started... every time I made progress for a while, it was 'ok relax you got this figured out.... eat a bag of chips.... gain 2 pounds because it wasn't just one bag of chips that got allowed... ... oops now you're worse off than when you started. Change that self image. Love yourself.

cjpg

Thanks guys. I knew I wasn't going insane!

I'm going to take from you lovely people a very important lesson - my body is changing, but who I AM is not. I can change the vessel for my soul as much as I can, but my soul can't be changed.

I'm also going to stick to my guns and not falter. What's the point? Just because change is unnerving for me, I'm going to be put my health at risk? Why am I settling for less than I deserve. At some level, somewhere in the past I must have told myself repeatedly that I can't amount to anything more than what I am. I belittled myself. I'm sure as HELL not doing that now.

Change is good and there's insurmountable strength inside us to embrace it with open arms.

vestarocks

Right on!! Go get 'em!

flobeedoodle

I struggle with something similar, and I've thought about it a lot. For me, I think this has two components. One is straight-up fear, and others in this thread have described that well. The other component, though, is harder to define.

I think I would call it "defiance". As a heavy person, I have struggled mightily for dignity and self-respect. I am not, nor have I ever been, a less worthy person because of my size. I think this stems from the "helpful"/hurtful things that "caring" friends and family say to fat people. (I don't know what they say to boys/men, but girls/women get told things like "you have such a pretty face," and "if you just put some effort into your appearance...") The implicit message of these statements is that the potential worth of the target is diminished by being fat, and as a woman, that her only significant source of worth would come from her appearance meeting societal standards.

I refuse to accept that I am less worthy, and feel that I must defend my worth. I am obstinate and contrary by nature, and this has become a... a "thing". I have worked very hard to be smart, strong, and competent. I think I have worked even harder to accomplish these things on my terms, to prove that I am fine the way I am. To prove that those "loving words" full of thorns are not true.

I have gotten to a point in my life where I am ready to try to lose weight for myself. Not to be prettier. Not for the approval of people who ought to love me as I am. Not so boys will like me more (my girlfriend is the jealous type.) Not because I hate fat, or fat people, or myself for being fat.

I think I am ready to lose weight so that I feel better, because I want to. Because it is my body to change by losing weight, the same as it is my body to change by piercing or tattoo. My choice, my terms.

Still, I dread hearing anyone say smugly "See? Aren't you so much happier now?"

StrongGwen

I went thru a mental struggle about it too. I worried that if I got a lot smaller I would not have as much "presence" and might be sort of invisible! But it was just the opposite! I had more confidence and became more outgoing. I realized people ignore or look thru you much more if you are fat. Then I got a little ticked off to realize how I had been marginalized but it was my own fault.

kriskaryl

I do understand your conflict. You are you, large or small. You should never define yourself by your weight. That being said, I should practise what I preach. As with most people on this site, I've been obese (yep-I used the "O" word) most of my life. Now when I find myself in a group of women, I look around and wonder if I still appear to be the largest woman there. I wonder if THEY see me as the biggest person in the circle. I wonder if the chair will hold me or if I'll be able to pull myself up off the sofa without a crane. I was 244 lbs and a tight size 20. Now I'm 155lbs and a size 8-10. Other peolpe say I'm skinny or thin, I still see fat. Working out at the gym tonight, I was face to face with myself in those huge floor to ceiling mirrors they have everywhere. What I saw in the mirror was a reasonably thin woman with curves. I couldn't accept that it was me and kept looking away. Yes, someday I will come to know this new person, but I also don't want to ever forget the person I was before. I never want to be jaded and unkind to other people with weight issues.

Remember who you are in your heart and love yourself whoever that may be. Happy Valentine's Day

flobeedoodle

..I had been marginalized but it was my own fault.

This is actually what I struggle against. A society that normalizes marginalizing any group of people based on superficial characteristics is inherently flawed. "Size-ism" is as broken as sexism or racism. Further, people of the marginalized group in sexist, racist, etc.-ist societies internalize the bigotry, and often think of themselves as less worthy people, accepting the correctness of the dominant opinion, against their own interests and any evidence to the contrary. I refuse to think that I, or anyone else, is any less worthy based on size (or anything else superficial.) I refuse to judge others based on their size, and I struggle to accept myself as I am. (I am not naive enough to pretend that anything other than the blatant size-ism of our society will ever be the norm, but I do not think that it is RIGHT. I am also aware of the public health problems that arise from growing obesity. It still doesn't make it okay to be bigoted.)

The trick here is that, since my body is my own to do with as I please, a choice to lose weight is just as valid as a choice to stay fat. I struggle to remember that losing weight doesn't mean that I accept the prevailing opinion that fat people are less worthy of love, dignity, or respect. And I promise myself I will never blame myself for others' prejudice.

hiker282

I'd just say that change is just something that people don't usually like. Embrace the change instead of fearing it. Think about all the good things that will come with the change instead of focusing on your fear.

raevynn

fear of failure?

Fear of success?

Why is losing weight scary? I've dealt with this, myself -- still do.

It is a major change.

If you are successful, in some way you will have to take responsibility for your previous body size. "I couldn't help it" won't cut it when you've managed to whip it into shape.

Fat is a buffer between us and the world. We are very "unseen" because of it. Are you ready to be "naked" out there?

I don't have easy answers for you. I applaud you that you are asking the question, and that you are ready to start dealing with the fear.

I'm hoping that I'll be able to deal with it in time, myself.

TanyaCurtis

Everyones scared of change And u used ur weight as cushion, or something to hide behind. Now u can't, and life is going to be alot different, it's scary, but exciting, and u have to accept this change and welcome it, otherwise, like most people, u gain all ur weight back

pauljsolie

If one has low self esteem and a low self image, typically when they lose weight they tend to sabotage themselves. If the self image isn't worked on, losing weight takes away an excuse for not liking oneself. In essence, now I'm in shape and healthy so now I will need to find something else to loath about myself. Before anyone (especially me) gets to their goal weight, make sure you love yourself first and like what you see looking back at you in the mirror. It took me a few years to finally learn this.

TruckerChick

I struggle with something similar, and I've thought about it a lot. For me, I think this has two components. One is straight-up fear, and others in this thread have described that well. The other component, though, is harder to define.

I think I would call it "defiance". As a heavy person, I have struggled mightily for dignity and self-respect. I am not, nor have I ever been, a less worthy person because of my size. I think this stems from the "helpful"/hurtful things that "caring" friends and family say to fat people. (I don't know what they say to boys/men, but girls/women get told things like "you have such a pretty face," and "if you just put some effort into your appearance...") The implicit message of these statements is that the potential worth of the target is diminished by being fat, and as a woman, that her only significant source of worth would come from her appearance meeting societal standards.

I refuse to accept that I am less worthy, and feel that I must defend my worth. I am obstinate and contrary by nature, and this has become a... a "thing". I have worked very hard to be smart, strong, and competent. I think I have worked even harder to accomplish these things on my terms, to prove that I am fine the way I am. To prove that those "loving words" full of thorns are not true.

I have gotten to a point in my life where I am ready to try to lose weight for myself. Not to be prettier. Not for the approval of people who ought to love me as I am. Not so boys will like me more (my girlfriend is the jealous type.) Not because I hate fat, or fat people, or myself for being fat.

I think I am ready to lose weight so that I feel better, because I want to. Because it is my body to change by losing weight, the same as it is my body to change by piercing or tattoo. My choice, my terms.

Still, I dread hearing anyone say smugly "See? Aren't you so much happier now?"

Very well said... took the words right out of my mind!!

All my life, I've been told, "You would be so pretty if only you would lose weight." When I look in the mirror, because I am still fat, I see ugly, tho I"m told I'm pretty... beautiful even. But I still see ugly.
And I dread those words... "See? Aren't you happier now?" or something along those lines.

newlife888

Hey me too! I think it all has to do with changing and adjusting self-body image, which can take a while! I've also ALWAYS been overweight, and in a way, the extra weight added a layer of protection, almost. Being a healthy weight comes with vulnerability for sure. I totally feel what you are articulating. You are not alone.