So my wife & I got in a dispute last night...

lovinbeinold

It's not genetics (or maybe it is a little) but is more likely gender. Men seem to lose faster and shape up quicker than women do. Men and women are just different in that way. Maybe recognizing and acknowledging that, while mentioning your hard work, is in order.

my husband and I have experienced that phenomenon too, where I'd work so hard at it, but he'd be the one to lose more. And I swear, my first husband only had to *think* hard about buffing up and his muscles grew. LOL He was a physical powerhouse at that time. He NEVER worked out just to work out, but he would work hard on the house, moving rocks, splitting logs for winter, etc., and he'd get so lean and muscular. Me? I'd actually work out and got thin, but it took me many more months than it did him.

Robin1117

Wow, yeah, she is jealous and it's sad because you seem like you are doing great things!

It's funny, I was on MFP for a year and a half and kind of hinted around to my husband for a long time about how he should start. When he finally did, last January, he was able to lose 15-20 lbs in a matter of just a few months. It's so much quicker for men I think, but that doesn't mean they sacrifice any less. Maybe if you can get her to do a food diary on here for a week, she'll understand the give and take you deal with on a day to day basis. And maybe after that week, she'll realize she doesn't need to do slim fast, eat rice cakes, etc......you can learn so much about what you can eat, I found it kind of liberating, and started adding so many additional things to my diet I previously thought I couldn't eat.

The other thing I have found is that I can't really talk about my fitness journey will real-life friends, or my husband for that fact, because once he lost the weight, he signed off (and gained some back since then, of course.....). Thankfully MFP has some great listeners where we can vent about stuff and be heard as opposed to having people glaze over in boredom, or give you excuses as to why they can't do the same...

Anyway, don't get discouraged!

NatalieWinning

Yeah, 6 months after I started MFP my husband did. He just quit drinking coke, stop snacking at bedtime, and lost 50lbs in a matter of months. Thats my side of the story. I'm an older lady and short, which meant eating like a bird and exercising hard an hour a day to lose 50lbs in a year. So it really looks like I had to work twice as hard, eat twice as little, and still not lose sometimes. It especially grated at me that he had to eat more meals than he wanted to.

So his side of the story is that he actually had to turn his eating around 365 degrees, cut out crap, eat real food in more than one meal, and eat more meals. Learn how to eat from knowing nothing about nutrition onward. And he did exercise much more than before. He even hopped on the treadmill after working a long day (something I can't do).

It did look easy from my side. He built muscles much faster. He lost weight every single day. He actually had to be promted to eat???? Ladies hold onto weight a lot harder. It's a good thing if we were in a famine country and having babies. Not so good a thing if we are trying to dump fat. I'm peri-menapausal and really holding onto weight. Again, good if you live in a famine country and are too old to get or gather food. Yet I know he had to work at it, too. Still... I wanted to beat him with a stick about the head and shoulders when he got skinny so fast! I was so frustrated with my body being so calorie sparing and his being so willing to give it up!

Pamela259

i think shes jealous too i am sooo jealous of my oh we eat the same but he snacks at night and he has lost a stone ive only lost 8lbs and the other night i was thinking to myself this is soo unfair i do more exercise eat less and he gets to eat whenever and loses weight lol very sad of me but i wouldnt say it to him as i know he is putting alot of effort into it.

1WorkoutAtATime

100 million %, your wife's jealous! I promise!

She doesn't want to use MFP because she is stubborn and doesn't want to admit that you have worked really hard to lose the weight you have lost. If she uses MFP, she will have to admit to you that it takes work to control what you eat and to lose weight

^^this

cekeys

She's jealous....:laugh:

No biggie, so you have 2 ways to proceed, depending on your relationship with her.

1. You can be sensative to her insecurity and be supportive and forgiving:flowerforyou:

2. You can torture her with it daily - reminding her of your progress and her lack of results as you eat something right in front of her you know is off her diet.:devil:

Sometimes you need the carrot and the stick.

I don't think it's in me to use #2. I can picture her crying now.

HauteP1nk

My fiance and I argue about things...but he is already skinny and when I complain about my weight all he says is that if I want to lose weight to starve myself....hahahaha He is so uneducated when it comes to fitness and health because he has never had to struggle with it. It bothers me to no end....

However, i think your wife is just frustrated and a little bit jealous... It can be frustrating for a woman sometimes because men (on average) do naturally burn more calories easier and faster than us women. It sucks that we do the same workouts and eat the same thing and still end up losing less weight then the man....lol That being said, just be supportive...

Mikesrobin

Let me tell you me and my husband have been losing weight together and it is very hard for me to not be jealous. He can eat about 1000 calories more than me a day and that does bug me. I know at times I have mentioned that he can eat alot more than me and still lose the weight and that has hurt his feelings. I am sorry when this happens but you have to relize that she is struggling just like you and maybe yesterday was a tough day for her. I am not justifying her attitude just understanding it. So now when I get in one of those moods I try not to say anything about how easy it is for my husband to lose the weight because I truly do know that he is struggling as much as me but that little green jealousy tries to creep in. Let me say for myself sorry about thinking it is easier for men to lose the weight.

Great job losing the weight!!

therealangd

I didn't get "jealousy" out of that conversation. It sounds like she's been sucked in by all the fitness myths and gurus. That eat less, exercise more, is just ludicrous, and since you are not doing anything that the myths and gurus proclaim, the only thing that is possible in your case, is good genes. If you had bad eating habits before last year, that's too long ago for her to remember. In her mind now, you have always had healthy habits.

In the end, if she has a weight problem, she's the only one that's going to be able to fix it. You'll just have to lead by example. And when she's ready, be there for her.

Bikini27

Honestly, when my ex would workout, it was *so* annoying that he lost weight so fast while never actually changing his diet.
Most women (and some men, too) have been conditioned to think they have to be on a "diet" (South Beach, SlimFast, etc) to lose weight. It's a big step to say, "Yes, I can have chocolate and bread but in moderation." She's just not ready to make that step.

Good on you, and just keep making your lifestyle changes and let her see what you're doing. When she's ready, she'll start.
:flowerforyou:

bugnbeansmom

I am sure she is happy for you but it is tough when you work your butt off (literally) and your spouce is surpassing you. Not to take away from what you have done by any means but your wife does have to work harder to lose the same amount and as a woman, it really sucks sometimes! My hubs has lost 20 lbs since the beginning of the year and all he did was go back to work and started drinking zero/diet type pops. ARGH! It has taken me a year to lose a little more than the same amount! Granted, he has more to lose than I do and his job is more physically demanding than mine but it is still hard to swallow.

Also, it is tough when you work so hard and someone notices your spouce and not you. Had she said, you both look like you have lost, no dispute. Her ego is a bit bruised and the easiest way to make ourselves feel better is to diminish the situation. No worries, she will come around but you might want to tread lightly in the future until people start to notice her work as well.

Good luck!

kittenmitton

Ugh yeah, people tell me all the time "you're skinny, you can eat whatever you want."

Grr

1. I wouldn't consider myself skinny. Average weight? Yes. Skinny? No. To me, skinny is a bmi under 20, and I'm at 20.4

2. Hell no, I can't eat whatever I want and not gain weight. I just don't deny myself the foods I crave. If I want ice cream, I'll have fat-free frozen yogurt. I'm constantly aware of every little thing I eat.

It's just frustrating, but I don't let it get to me. They're just jelly because they don't know how to properly lose weight. Mer mer mer

slim422

I too agree with the other posters, there is some sort of jealousy going on or perhaps your wife is feeling the tug of making these changes too and just not quite there yet.

I can tell you as the wife of a partnership this is tough! My husband and I are doing every step of this process together and some days when he is able to eat many more calories, his clothes get lose each week and the scale is so kind to him, it can be hard to watch. But, I know he's working just as hard as I am and he too want to see his success.

Here's what I would say to your wife: your husband is working very hard at becoming more healthy, which will improve your lives together, he'll live longer and be healthier for years to come. In part you are correct, his body is very different from yours and when men watch what they eat and exercise, the results are often seen much quicker for them.

However, this doesn't mean that he isn't having to motivate himself to get to the gym or be disciplined throughout the day not to eat all those things he'd like to and stay on his plan. Support him and love him through this, it is important. Better yet, do it together and you'll become closer and a more bonded couple, you can support each other instead of down-playing his hard work. I've seen so many couples go down this road when one is on a weight-loss/healthy program and the other isn't - don't let this lead to anything negative, instead use it as an opportunity to find out what is important to each of you and how you can help each other as a couple.

Good luck with your program and keep going!

CoryIda

My husband and I haven't been through exactly the same thing, but I know that sometimes the people we care about can inadvertently say things that hurt us and that make us feel like they are belittling our hard work.
Here are a few thoughts (take them or leave them):
1) Gently let her know that what she said was hurtful. Chances are, she didn't mean to be mean, but sometimes it comes out that way.
2) Try to find out the motivation behind her statements. She might be jealous - it's unfortunate, but it happens. Or she might be uncomfortable because you are getting attention from people. Once you know what about the situation is bothering her...
3) Acknowledge the truth behind her concerns (starting with the unfair but true fact that men really do lose weight more easily than women). Maybe say, "I understand that it upsets you when people compliment you in front of me because ____" or "I understand that it can be frustrating when I am losing weight relatively quickly when it is more difficult for you"
4) Lead by example. Include her. Make meals together, take her for a walk with you, sit next to her while you log your food. This has several benefits - it is a way to build intimacy because you are doing things together, it helps her see the efforts you are making, and it may trigger something in her when she sees what you are doing that helps her want to get involved, too.
5) Forgive her - spouses mess up. We say and do awful things sometimes, but hopefully we learn from them and do better going forward.

You've done very well and I wish you - and your wife - all the best in your journey back to good health.

Buddhasmiracle

It sounds as if your wife is frustrated with her own weight loss progress (or lack thereof) and begrudging your achievement. I don't think it's really about your success so much as her feelings about herself. Comparing ones weight loss to another's weight loss -- particularly given differences in gender, age, existing body composition, weight goals, and other attributes -- is self defeating. Perhaps you could help her re-focus on her own effort. Review her journal and exercise program together -- but make sure she takes the lead on determining what changes, if any, she needs to make. There's no race or competition with anyone to loose weight!

I've never had this problem. My husband is slender and as long as we have been married (20yrs) his weight range (145-148) has been the same.

This rough spot will smooth out, I'm sure.

enigrebua

For someone to say 'it's because of your genes' is pretty weak. You could say that about anything to do with you, your genes are what build you into the human being you are. Sure, ability to either lose or gain weight has something to do with your genes, but only as much as what colour your eyes are or how big your feet are - it's a dead argument. The FACT is, better diet and exercise mean you're using more calories than you're putting into your body, therefore you lose weight. She is definitely feeling envious at your success - if she had thought more about what she was saying, she would hopefully realise that she was debunking your efforts because of frustration with herself, so she's not angry at you, she's angry with herself. I say let her have her argument with herself, leave you out of it, and you keep up the great work!

cekeys

Let me say this about genetics and its relationship eating and exercise...

I view genes as a road map. If you eat poorly and don't exercise your body takes a route on the map & you gain weight. If you eat right and don't exercise, your body takes another road and you lose some weight. If you eat right and exercise, your body takes another road and you lose weight much quicker.

Now, how fast you get there totally depends on your body, which is the results of your genes. Things like diabetes, thyroid conditions, male/female, how much you're exercising, etc... will change the quickness of the results (Speed limits on the map), but you'll get there eventually.

I guess I just didn't realize that the argument from her side was more about her feelings about herself, rather than her feelings about me. I think you guys helped me grow a little. Thanks.

MaximalLife

She's jealous....:laugh:

No biggie, so you have 2 ways to proceed, depending on your relationship with her.

1. You can be sensative to her insecurity and be supportive and forgiving:flowerforyou:

2. You can torture her with it daily - reminding her of your progress and her lack of results as you eat something right in front of her you know is off her diet.:devil:

Sometimes you need the carrot and the stick.

I don't think it's in me to use #2. I can picture her crying now.

Good man!
Sometimes absurdity demonstrates well absurdity - lol
Number 1 is really the only choice.

Man, I am in year 28 of marriage, and all we can be is supportive, loving and very patient.
Your friends here will be inspired for your progress, and in time maybe your wife will reach out.
I am here on MFP because of my wife, so our situation is the same but in reverse.

kerrphy_2011

I think weight loss is hard for anyone, and yes, I do believe men can lose much more rapidly than women (in the beginning), but eventually we catch up. It is really hard to admit that your husband is doing so great, when you are struggling and not seeing half the results. I do not know if that is the case, but just know that you have each other through this and everyone one needs support. Whether it is just a casual, "Honey, you are doing so great I can see a difference." Or "I am so glad we are doing this together." Any acknowledgement for a woman, makes us warm and tingly inside. Maybe she is jealous because no one noticed her progress. I think it is fantastic that you are doing so well. Just keep in mind that she is going through the same thing…just my thoughts. Congrats on your endeavor!

jrusso28

My wife had a similar reaction at the start of my journey with MFP last year.
She thought MFP was a waste of time, and would get upset when I would refuse to eat like I used to.
There were lots of arguments early on.....

The good news is that in time she began seeing my results and became less hesitant about it.
She still refuses to use MFP, but she has started eating better and is going to the gym with me now.
She is doing great and doing it her own way and I am extremely proud of her.

I learned early on that we are doing this for ourselves, and our own health.
Although it is great to get support from our spouses, friends and family, they are usually our harshest critics.
Jealously, and fear of change make people say horrible things.
People also hate to see their failures and shortcomings.
So when they look at a friend who used to be overweight and out of shape it made them feel better about themselves.
When they see that same person working hard at losing weight the right way (no shortcuts) with hard work and eating healthy, they feel threatened and they get angry. People hate change.

I had some shocking responses from some of the closest friends and family at the start, but as the year went by and they saw my results they haven't said those things again. Most of my family has made a 360 and praise me for all my hard work and my results. Some of the folks I thought were friends unfortunately distanced themselves.

Stick to your guns, there's nothing more important than your health and congratulations on your accomplishments.
We all know how much hard work and dedication it has taken you to get to where your at.
AMAZING JOB !!