Question about forgiveness

kennethmgreen

Following a conversation I had today I just wanted other people's thoughts. Do you believe that anything done by a parent is forgiveable because they're a parent (they brought you into this world so anything is forgiveable)? Just curious

As long as people continue to hold onto the idea that "forgiveness" means saying something is OK, or not holding someone accountable, you're going to get a lot of NO answers. If you define forgiveness as "giving up the right to punish" then that might change some things. I look at forgiveness as a way to release the resentment. It doesn't absolve anyone of responsibility. It doesn't make the "wrong" OK, or less important. It simply means I no longer have to actively nurture a resentment. But some people see "forgiveness" differently.

As for your bolded text, that's a different discussion. I think we tend to allow those we care about get away with more than we might allow with strangers. I'm not convinced that is the best choice, but acknowledging that it seems to be pretty common. I don't think anyone really gets to be above what I consider right and wrong because of the relationship we have. Meaning, my set of morals and beliefs applies to myself, friends, family, co-workers and strangers. How I act on them may differ by group. And I might let something my dad says go because it's my dad. But there is no trump card. Parents can do terrible things. They may be terrible people. Just because they are parents doesn't give them special stature.

ArroganceInStep

I feel just the opposite. As an involved parent, you should be held to a higher standard than a stranger.

A fair point.

I'm much more likely to forgive my mother for rear ending me and f***ing up my car than someone late for work on the phone not paying attention. The random stranger means nothing to me, so it's nothing to cut them out of my life (or at least punch 'em in the face ). I'm more willing to forgive my father for bumping my laptop off the table and breaking it than an inconsiderate p**** at Starbucks.

Then again, I also expect my parents to be there for me when I need them, which I don't expect of said guy who was punched in the face or guy who had my caramel machiatto thrown in their face. It would hurt me a lot more if say, my folks didn't show up at my wedding than if burned/punched guys didn't make it.

I suppose it depends on the circumstances. Some things things they get more leeway, others no.

RILEYRED

I think anything can be forgiven of anybody, just not forgotten.

Jain

HELL NO!

I'll never forgive my father for distroying my chilldhood. Or for making my Mums life a living hell.

CannibalisticVegetarian

Anything?? Hell no.

RaeLB

We forgive not for the benefit of the other person but for the benefit of breaking the hold, what ever they have done, has on us. Most people who do us wrong just continue with their lives without even thinking twice about what it was they did. Holding a grudge only affects you - you have the choice to forgive and move forward and not allow them to hurt you any longer.

Forgiveness, however, is not the same as forgetting - but it sure as hell helps a lot with dealing with the feelings when the incident pops into our minds. Sometimes you must forgive the person over and over again until you find the peace you seek by giving such forgiveness.

It is imperative, we also remind ourselves we are not at fault for anything anyone does to us.

But to answer your question - All is forgivable and personally I believe in forgiveness - I refuse to fall victim on a continues basis of anyone who has done me wrong ...

^

Qarol

As long as people continue to hold onto the idea that "forgiveness" means saying something is OK, or not holding someone accountable, you're going to get a lot of NO answers. If you define forgiveness as "giving up the right to punish" then that might change some things. I look at forgiveness as a way to release the resentment. It doesn't absolve anyone of responsibility. It doesn't make the "wrong" OK, or less important. It simply means I no longer have to actively nurture a resentment. But some people see "forgiveness" differently.

I had to learn this about my father. I had to find a way to let go without absolving him. It's something I work on daily. I'm not there yet.

_SusieQ_

Following a conversation I had today I just wanted other people's thoughts. Do you believe that anything done by a parent is forgiveable because they're a parent (they brought you into this world so anything is forgiveable)? Just curious

As long as people continue to hold onto the idea that "forgiveness" means saying something is OK, or not holding someone accountable, you're going to get a lot of NO answers. If you define forgiveness as "giving up the right to punish" then that might change some things. I look at forgiveness as a way to release the resentment. It doesn't absolve anyone of responsibility. It doesn't make the "wrong" OK, or less important. It simply means I no longer have to actively nurture a resentment. But some people see "forgiveness" differently.

As for your bolded text, that's a different discussion. I think we tend to allow those we care about get away with more than we might allow with strangers. I'm not convinced that is the best choice, but acknowledging that it seems to be pretty common. I don't think anyone really gets to be above what I consider right and wrong because of the relationship we have. Meaning, my set of morals and beliefs applies to myself, friends, family, co-workers and strangers. How I act on them may differ by group. And I might let something my dad says go because it's my dad. But there is no trump card. Parents can do terrible things. They may be terrible people. Just because they are parents doesn't give them special stature.

I hope you never form your own cult or religion b/c I might just drink the koolaid. You rock.

vim_n_vigor

I guess it depends on what you mean by forgiveness. There are completely evil ****s that have children. They perform unspeakable horrors on their children. When the children grow up, they may be able to forgive their parents for what they have done, but that in no way means that they accept their parents into their lives or trust that they are anything other than the scum of the earth. If you are using the word forgiveness as the child accepting what the parent did and allowing them into their lives for a normal parent/child relationship and everything turns into fairy dust and unicorns than no, absolutely not.

chachita7

We forgive not for the benefit of the other person but for the benefit of breaking the hold, what ever they have done, has on us. Most people who do us wrong just continue with their lives without even thinking twice about what it was they did. Holding a grudge only affects you - you have the choice to forgive and move forward and not allow them to hurt you any longer.

Forgiveness, however, is not the same as forgetting - but it sure as hell helps a lot with dealing with the feelings when the incident pops into our minds. Sometimes you must forgive the person over and over again until you find the peace you seek by giving such forgiveness.

It is imperative, we also remind ourselves we are not at fault for anything anyone does to us.

But to answer your question - All is forgivable and personally I believe in forgiveness - I refuse to fall victim on a continues basis of anyone who has done me wrong ...

Sounds good in theory. What about the guy that steals your grandparents' life saving? The pedophile that rapes your toddler? Hitler? The sociopath that kills your spouse and robs them for enough money to buy crack? The pimp that exploits your teenaged daughter and addicts her to drugs?

Do you understand the concept of "anything"? If you can fiorgive anything, you are much more highly evolved than I.

The question in these cases is (to me) do I waste my time hating the person who has harmed my loved one? or apply it to my healing process which would eventually include forgiving he who harmed my loved one? Do I empower that person to rob me from my own life?

To me there is NOTHING unforgivable - then again I believe all things happen for a reason.

rml_16

Following a conversation I had today I just wanted other people's thoughts. Do you believe that anything done by a parent is forgiveable because they're a parent (they brought you into this world so anything is forgiveable)? Just curious

Not at all! I think parents who make mistakes while doing their best should be forgiven (heaven knows I've made my share with my daughter), but some parents horribly abuse and neglect their children. And even those who say deliberately hurtful things skate on the edge even if they're otherwise good parents.

On the other hand, forgiveness is often more about those who were wronged getting on with their lives and letting go of anger and hurt. So the victims maybe deserve to forgive even if the parent doesn't deserve the forgiveness.

Skeemer118

Anything?? Hell no.

^This

G30Grrl

I look at forgiveness as a way to release the resentment. It doesn't absolve anyone of responsibility. It doesn't make the "wrong" OK, or less important. It simply means I no longer have to actively nurture a resentment. But some people see "forgiveness" differently.

As for your bolded text, that's a different discussion. I think we tend to allow those we care about get away with more than we might allow with strangers. I'm not convinced that is the best choice, but acknowledging that it seems to be pretty common. I don't think anyone really gets to be above what I consider right and wrong because of the relationship we have. Meaning, my set of morals and beliefs applies to myself, friends, family, co-workers and strangers. How I act on them may differ by group. And I might let something my dad says go because it's my dad. But there is no trump card. Parents can do terrible things. They may be terrible people. Just because they are parents doesn't give them special stature.

^^This, exactly.

dirtbikegirl5

Parents don't get a hall pass for doing something wrong.
My mother did some stuff to me that I will probably never forgive, but I have had to move on from those things or my heart will never heal.

mgmlap

This is an interesting question. My 2 daughters are adopted and we talk about forgiveness alot. The way we look at forgiveness is when the person gives it..its lifts the burden of that act off of their shoulders...Many people who arent willing to forgive have this bad juju in their body..that needs to be expelled.

At the end of the day..parents are people..with all the inherent flaws that we have as people. Forgiveness lets go of the past...and brings you into the future...this doesnt mean you bring that person with you...But if you dont forgive..they still have a hold on you..

I do think it has to happen on your timeline...not the other persons..

lmelangley

Forgiveness is a personal thing and entirely up to the person wronged- period. So, in that respect, anyone can forgive anyone anything no matter how heinous. But, even if someone wronged forgives the person who perpetrated the act, it doesn't mean everyone or anyone else who knows of what happened has to forgive the person. And it doesn't matter the relationship of the person doing the wrong to the person wronged. It might make the person wronged more inclined or less inclined to forgive, but that's it.

lissamok

On the other hand, forgiveness is often more about those who were wronged getting on with their lives and letting go of anger and hurt. So the victims maybe deserve to forgive even if the parent doesn't deserve the forgiveness.

^This. I agree with this point of view completely, because it's not about the parent, it's the child being able to let the past go and move on to live, healthy, fulfilling lives. Does this mean everything parents do can be seen as right because they are parents? Hell no.

HeaderAutumn

Godwin's Law has struck.

How long have you been waiting to use that reference?

You're welcome.

RoadDog, I think I love you

spskinny

Forgiveness is more about you, your healing, and staying a whole person. I have seen bitterness, and hatered destroy people years after someone "did something" to them. The second travesty is when you let that person ruin your future, joy, happiness, and future relationships Forgive so that you are well. It does not mean what the other person did was ok. It does not mean that you don't have good boundaries to protect yourself in the future.

Buddhasmiracle

We forgive not for the benefit of the other person but for the benefit of breaking the hold, what ever they have done, has on us. Most people who do us wrong just continue with their lives without even thinking twice about what it was they did. Holding a grudge only affects you - you have the choice to forgive and move forward and not allow them to hurt you any longer.

Forgiveness, however, is not the same as forgetting - but it sure as hell helps a lot with dealing with the feelings when the incident pops into our minds. Sometimes you must forgive the person over and over again until you find the peace you seek by giving such forgiveness.

It is imperative, we also remind ourselves we are not at fault for anything anyone does to us.

But to answer your question - All is forgivable and personally I believe in forgiveness - I refuse to fall victim on a continues basis of anyone who has done me wrong ...

Perfect. Thank you.