Daughters Wedding, I need to vent a bit...sorry

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  • ShandiH
    ShandiH Posts: 232 Member
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    Honestly, I think the best thing you can do is to try to be the best person you can for your son-in-law and his children. If his mother won't dote on them, then you can. Be there for him as much as possible this coming week, fill in for the things his mother should be doing, as much as you can. After the wedding, spoil his children as if they were your own grandchildren because really, they now are, aren't they? You can't fix the mother's issues but you can certainly try to fill some of the void that she's leaving in their lives.

    This^^^. Just be there for him, his kids, and your daughter. Do the things that she's missing out on by being the drama queen. Maybe there's reasons for what she does but who really cares what happened in the past. Obviously, she does. But, don't let her sour attitude ruin the day for the rest of you.
  • dragomom
    dragomom Posts: 88 Member
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    The only thing you can do is to be there for him and his children. Love the children as if they were your biological grandchildren, they need to know what a loving grandparent is.

    4 weeks before my daughters wedding, I was in a car accident and was unable to walk, I went to her wedding in a wheel chair and not once did I even think about skipping her special day. It will be her loss if she misses his wedding, and in time she will regret it.

    Focus on your daughter and future son in law and have a wonderful time at the wedding. :)
  • HotBodUnderConstruction
    HotBodUnderConstruction Posts: 420
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    Is this the first time your SIL's mother is flakey or have there been other occasions where she's done something similar to this?
  • LuckyLeprechaun
    LuckyLeprechaun Posts: 6,296 Member
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    Be the best, kindest MIL to him that you can be. And NEVER NEVER bring up this subject to him. Even if his mother's actions are horribly hurtful for him, you can score NO points, win no friends if you ever bring it up to him.

    My stepson's mother didn't come to his HS graduation. She drove across country, from MT to NV to be in town, and at the last minute had a terribly self-centered "headache" and she didn't come. To the commencement or to the grad/pool party at our home the next day (she was invited and welcome!). It broke my son's heart. But I cannot, will not, EVER speak to him about it, because it will only come off as attacking his mother. Which nobody can tolerate very well.
  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
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    Wow.... that is so sad for him, but very lovely of you to be concerned and upset for him. Sadly, there is nothing you can do about his mother or how involved or not involved she will be, but you can continue being you towards him and his children. I'm sure it helps more than you know.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    I would say that she likely doesn't want to come to the wedding because she is depressed about her health and doesn't want to ruin the day by being a downer.

    But the fact that she doesn't dote on her grandchildren equally makes me think that it is more about a strain on her relationship with her son. Honestly, there is no way of knowing what has occurred between the two of them and nothing that you can really do about it. The best that you can do is just accept him with open arms into your family and try to give him some of the love that he is missing from his own mother. Best of luck to you all!
  • redefiningmyself
    redefiningmyself Posts: 476 Member
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    A week left is lots of time to find a nice outfit to wear for the wedding. More to the point, what she does or doesn't do isn't really any of your business.

    But I have to say, if you were my mom, or my future mother-in-law, I'd be extremely angry that you posted personal family business on a public website where anyone and everyone could see.
  • sugar66
    sugar66 Posts: 41
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    Be there for your son-in-law and the kids, there could be issues between him and his mum you know nothing about.
    You cannot know what is going on inside this womans head, and therefore unless you are close you will not know.
    My advice would be don't let her spoil what is a special day for everyone, just relax and enjoy the day.
    You now have two wonderful sounding grandchildren who are obviously getting loving grandparents and a mother in you and your daughter.
    Some people are very selfish if they are not the centre of attention, and as girls ask their mum for advise she may be feeling left out of the loop, you don't mention your son-in-laws father I wonder how he feels about the situation.
  • Ashley_Panda
    Ashley_Panda Posts: 1,404 Member
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    My FIL didn't come to our wedding. It was hurtful and him and hubby didn't really talk for a while afterward. He had a pretty lame excuse. He also dotes on our son but nothing yet for our new daughter. We're here when it's convenient unfortunantly.
  • karenjoy
    karenjoy Posts: 1,840 Member
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    Thank you everyone, I think I should explain that Son in Law's parents are together, and so if she doesn't come then I am not sure if he will, and if he does it will be difficult for him as I am sure he will feel as bad as I would of my Husband was to not come for what ever reason.

    For the Americans, we don't do the 'rehearsal dinner' thing here, and the Bride and Groom, are paying for most of this Wedding themselves, although my hubby and I are doing lots of things to help, and I am doing all the flowers, the table decorations, the order of the days, we have sorted the videographer and hair and make up etc, My Husband is not my Daughters father, but he is giving her away as she has asked him too and is fit to burst with the pride of it all. We are doing all we can to support and help them, and his parents have shown very little interest in the whole thing, and I don't mean financially, I mean asking about it...just saying how is it going etc.

    I have a feeling the health issue will turn out to be serious, just by the things that she is telling my Son In Law, although at the moment she has no diagnosis apart from the abnormal blood test result and the upcoming scan. Up until last weekend she was her normal self and had her Grandson to stay on Tuesday and was out as football on the weekend, so is not 'ill' other than whatever is going on 'inside'

    As to the ex, they didn't like her, had no time for her at all, and my Son In Law to be thought that the reason they didn't come to his house etc was because of his ex...but now they won't come because they have a cat and apparently she 'hates' cats, in fact she killed one with a brick that was in her garden! I have met her quite a few times, and she seems pleasant and not weird or rude etc, and she told me that she was pleased her son was not with his ex as she didn't like her. But now my Daughter thinks they don't like her either!

    We have the table plan all sorted, the place names all done, the Order of the Day has her name on it, they have brought her a gift...it all seems so odd that she is even considering not being there, I am SO SO SO EXCITED, proud, happy and wishing them a wonderful, stress free and happy love filled day to remember, and I guess not being able to understand why she might even be considering not coming is making me confused. It is making my Daughter stressed, and I just want to support her, without upsetting my Son in Law.

    People are strange, and we are not all the same I realise, but a Wedding is supposed to be a happy time, so it makes it so ironic how stressful it can become. xXx
  • BillyC96
    BillyC96 Posts: 7,560 Member
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    Is this the first time your SIL's mother is flakey or have there been other occasions where she's done something similar to this?

    Not sure, but future SIL has noticed the difference in how the grandkids are treated. His kids are great, and real cuties! During the wedding planning sessions they hang out with me in my man cave. I set up a game for them on the computer, and print off colouring pages for them to do. I also give them contraband candy, but got busted last time!:blushing:
  • TriedEverything
    TriedEverything Posts: 175 Member
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    It certainly sounds like very strange behaviour from your future son-in-law's Mum :huh: I can understand you feeling puzzled and frustrated. Like you, I cannot imagine anything keeping me from my son or daughter's wedding (I have 2 teenagers, & we haven't got to that stage yet!).

    I'm not sure there's a lot you can do about it (hopefully she may still decide to go) but I think it's lovely that you have shown such care & concern for your soon-to-be son-in-law & step children. You are obviously a very loving person :smile: I'm sure your daughter & her new family will really appreciate your support, now & in the future.

    Hope you all have a lovely day, whether the groom's Mum turns up or not - try not to let it spoil things (although I know that's easier said than done)

    All the Best :flowerforyou:
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,709 Member
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    My daughter is getting married in a week...eeeek

    Well that is the fabulous bit, the bit I need to vent about is less fabulous and kind of makes me feel crappy for feeling like it, so I want to vent here, feel free to tell me how horrible I am.....

    My soon to be Son-in-Law is a super lovely guy, really a gem and I am very glad that my Daughter has found him, she has been through a lot and she deserves a prince and she seems to have found one. He has been in a relationship before, and has two little children, their Mum left them with him and went off with another guy who she thought had money, turns out he didn't...but that is another tale, she and future son in law now share the care of the children.

    The issue I have is with his Mum, who I feel has not treated him fairly, she has two children, a daughter and him, and her daughter is married with a son, who gets DOTED on by grandparents, they see a lot of him, have him to stay, buy him things, take him to places etc. They do not so this with the other two grandchildren, which I do not understand, they are lovely children and we are very fond of them, they are a similar age to the daughters child, who is 7, and they are 5 and 3, so its not an age thing, they don't get taken out, they don't get the same attention at all. Now for my main complaint and the thing that I will get slated for...

    The Mother of the groom has not got an outfit for the Wedding, has not helped with the preparation for the Wedding, although in their defence they are paying for the photographer as the present, which is £500 so that is a good help.I am also aware that she might feel as Mother of the Groom that she needs to not be involved. But now she has had a health scare, she went to the Dr and she is being sent for a scan at the Hospital on Monday, I don't think it will be great news as her blood test result was abnormal, but she is saying she is NOT coming to the Wedding,....I don't understand this, hell or high water would not keep me from my son or daughters Wedding, she is not horribly sick, as in needing to be in bed, she has not yet been given a diagnosis and even if she does, surely she would want to attend the Wedding of her only son? I think the fact that she still has not brought an outfit and there is less than a week to go speaks volumes about how she feels, considering she didn't go to the Dr until this week, its not that she knew in advance about the scan etc.

    Or am I being Mother of the Bridezilla......

    What do you think, I am so upset for my Son in Law to be, as he obviously wants his Mum there, and is worried for him. I just can't understand her at all....any thoughts
    People want weddings to be perfect. Many times they won't be. This is one of those times. All you can do is just contribute your part to it and do what it takes to your ability.


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  • Lauren8239
    Lauren8239 Posts: 1,039 Member
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    Are you sure she's being honest about these tests and such? I ask because the fact that she hasn't even bought an outfit sent up a red flag for me that she never had any intention of going to the wedding in the first place.
  • capaxinfiniti
    capaxinfiniti Posts: 367 Member
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    A big red flag for me was the fact that she hadn't even bothered to get an outfit, it sounded as if to me that she obviously either wasn't going to attend, or was already planning all of this. If she is really sick I understand, but these are just too many coincidences.

    Just do your best to still be a good MIL to the guy your daughter is going to marry, don't bring it up or criticize it, he probably is aware and just as upset as you are about this. Just be there in support for him, let him deal with his mother when the time comes. :heart:

    edit: If she is going through all of this JUST to not attend the wedding, and not because she really has a serious medical condition that is restricting her, I personally think that it'll just be her loss. She'll ultimately regret it in the end.
  • lissamok
    lissamok Posts: 82
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    She's a horrible drama queen who would even make Jesus vomit with rage.

    LOVE this! I agree. It's a tough situation and you are a wonderful person to be so concerned for him. I hope you were able to mitigate some of the frustration through venting. Hey, just know that you'll be mom and grandmother enough for her and you!
  • godroxmysox
    godroxmysox Posts: 1,491 Member
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    my mouth literally dropped open when i read this....i cannot imagine missing my child's wedding!
  • Skeemer118
    Skeemer118 Posts: 397 Member
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    Here's the bottom line sweetie:

    People do what they want to do.

    If she truly wanted to be there, she would be. She would be rolled down the aisle on a hospital bed or in a wheelchair. Some people just don't care. As the others have said, until your son in law asks for input, I wouldn't give any. Congrats to your daughter, enjoy her big day the best you can & continue to support them. :)
  • Florawanda
    Florawanda Posts: 283 Member
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    Like everyone else, all you can do is to be there for your daughter and sil... it sounds as though you are giving them a wonderful day... and you and all your family just have a great day, too.
    Weddings are a time for the coming together of two people, making a commitment for the rest of their lives, sharing it with their friends and family... if, for whatever reasons, she feels she does not want to be part of it, there is little you can do about it, but involve her in some way, sending her some of the cake, photos, and a copy of the video.
    And your sil's children will be your grandchildren as much as any your daughter has, so don't get drawn into comparisons with what she does or doesn't do for them. It is your relationship with them that counts.
  • mjbrenner
    mjbrenner Posts: 222 Member
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    Your daughter is very lucky to have a mother who cares so much not only for her, but also for her husband-to-be. Your constant, loving support will get them through this difficult time. Bless you for being such a wonderful mother and mother-in-law.

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