She is killing herself!

mzjandiace

Okay, I LOVE my sister, but she is killing herself! My sister is 5'1" she weighs 350lbs and her frame is a big circle. She walks with a cane now, and constantly says she is tired (ya think)!
She will by food and eat it in the room in bed! She drinks soda like water, and I am getting fed up.
Let her tell it, "I don't eat a lot of food, but I do drink a lot of soda" Really? I am so angry right now.
Ok so my plan was to lead by example! When I started MFP I was 380lbs a size 34. The size that she is in now. It took me almost 15 minutes to walk to the mail box from the apartment I lived in. NO ONE told me I was getting bigger. Until I saw a picture of me, and I was through!
So I started walking and a new meal plan, asked her to walk with me. She would never come, well I am down to a size 26 lost 37lbs and a ton of inches, and now I am a jogger and a biker. I have a lot of muscle! My knees stopped hurting and I can walk a flight of stairs without even saying OMG stairs!
My sister praised me all along the way~ I begged for her to come walk with me, or let me cook you dinner. She won't give guys!
Her kids won't buy soda for her! But this is what she does. When she is at home alone with her grandson, she will ask him to bring her things out the kitchen, or if someone knocks on door, she will ask him to get it, instead of getting up doing it herself, oh and did I mention she has a bad heart!
I'm lost! I don't know what else to do! Dr's have told her over and over again to lose weight, but it's like talking to a brick wall, cause her words are I am going to eat what I want but in moderation...that's a bunch of bull!
Today offered to buy me coffee, I told her NO! Thats 500 calories I rather eat something for 390 calories and know I will stay full, once again her words ... wow your doing so good. Don't u miss food? I looked at her and said I eat! But I have a daily limit.

I don't know what else to do! Any input would be helpful!

JacksMom12

Although not the ideal solution in my book... It sounds like it's getting to a life or death situation so maybe weight loss surgery if she qualifies? Weighing out options here, and it seems like she may be a good candidate.

Most situations like this I'd say that this person is obviously not ready and won't be able to commit until it's time and there's nothing you can do until she's ready to do it. However, from what you described, it sounds like she may not have that kind of time.

jamiek917

i coulod imagine your frustration- thats horrible! sadly, the fact is that she has to WANT to change. until she is ready, she will keep cheating, eating in secret, or just blatently say no to your offers for help. have you done the emotional breakdown chat, telling her the painful truth- that u love her and dont want to see her put herself in an early grave?

Skeemer118

I'm really sorry. I know it sucks to watch her do this to herself.

The bottom line is you can't make her. If she doesn't have her own reasons & motivation for changing then no one else can give her any.

However, congrats on your amazing progress!

hawkeygal

First of all--congrats on your journey! You're doing something fantastic for you!

I feel badly in saying this, but your sister will have to come to the same actualization and get on board to do it for herself, as you did it for yourself. Being 5'2" myself, and weighing almost 200 pounds is what set me off. I was on a downward spiral myself. One day, something just clicked, and I said that I was done with it.

She's going to have to come to terms with it on her own, just as we did. It's heartbreaking to know that her kids are enabling her as well. Your heart is in the right place, but unfortunately, she's going to have to reach the realization on her own.

In the mean time, perhaps you can premake meals that she can put in the oven or crock pot to help encourage healthy eating habits? Don't let her know they're "healthy." Just pop by with a SURPRISE! :-)

Hope this helps a bit.

xoxo and hang in there!

Whodatgirl77

She has to want to change...and she isn't there yet. Keep being a good example. Hopefully she will have her "aha" moment as you did.

Elizabeth_C34

There is nothing you can do.

She has to decide to change for herself just like you did. Just be a role model and encourage her to join you in your activities as often as you can. One of these days, she might just do it!

Congrats on your loss!

neesey918

I agree with Elizabeth - just continue to lead by example and continue to encourage her to try. Ultimately she has to make that decision to do it. Don't EVER give up though. You didn't and look how well you are doing - awesome job, congrats!!

echoica

it sounds to me like she has resigned herself to haven given up. no one can make the decision but her...but sometimes hitting rock bottom isn't enough i think the best thing you can do is make sure no one enables the behaviours that allow her to continue. for example, no one does things for her...

spacecampsucks

I know it's hard to sit back and watch, but the decision is in her hands.

No one can be forced to change their lifestyle. They have to choose themselves to make the change.


I know that from experience. I've always been big and have been "put on" diets by my mum/aunt as a kid, and then by a doctor. I've always given up after a month after losing 10-20 lbs.

This time, I WANTED to change... and I'm doing well. Better than I've ever done. Because I WANTED to, not because someone else was telling me... Does that make sense?

lizard053

Just keep going. You can't make someone lose weight who really doesn't want to. Your sister has to want it like you do. She obviously doesn't. Sit with her and tell her you're afraid you're going to lose her. Maybe that will wake her up. Don't even mention the weight, talk about her heart, her eating/drinking habits. Otherwise, you can't do anything.

marquesajen

This is obviously very difficult for you, and I don't think there is anything anyone can do to change her mind. It's a tough road for you, you should definitely keep being a good example to her, and as someone said before maybe have a brutally honest talk with her and get your family on board to stop letting do this, even just making her answer the door herself, any little thing. Do you think a family intervention or something might work? It's great that you are concerned for her, because I don't know if many people would have the strength to keep trying. Good luck

srp2011

First, congratulations on your success! You are doing fantastic, and I think the best thing you can do right now is just be a good role model. Unfortunately, there's no way to make someone change who isn't ready to change their life. Even if it is obviously self-destructive, and shortening her life, there's nothing you can really do - it's up to her. It's like trying to force an alcoholic or drug addict or smoker to stop (and from personal experience with an alcoholic dad, there's nothing you can say or do to convince them to change more than what you are already doing).

As hard as it is, you pretty much have to let them sink until they hit rock bottom, and decide to change for themselves (and unfortunately, some people will wind up going to their early grave without changing, but that's their right). Maybe have a heartfelt talk (or even write a letter, sometimes it's more powerful) about how worried you are that she's going to die if she doesn't change? Or get a few people together to do the same? Otherwise, just keep setting a good example, and be there to help when she asks for it, even if it's just tiny baby steps at first, like maybe tasting one of your healthy foods. Do you have a Wii or Kinect that maybe you could get her involved in a physical game? Something that makes moving fun?

Venus2011

I agreed with the others. Lead by examples. You can not change grown folks. They have to want to change for themselves. It sounds like you had voices your opinion several times and she hasn't changed. So now is the time to keep silent. It's her life and you can't change it. Only she can. Lord hopes one day she will wake up and smell the coffee and change her ways. But good luck on your journey.

Libby81

I'm so sorry about your situation. It's so hard to watch the ones you love out themselves through pain out of ignorance and unwillingness to act.

Amazing well done to you and your weightloss though, you have done a fabulous job, keep your end up.

Does she see the kinds of things you eat? when you eat, how much you eat etc?

I know it's harsh but could you employ some shock tactics, someone local who is a stage ahead of her or a tv programme about obesity that looks into the lives of people in her situation. Something that might make the message hit home that "hell maybe I should try at least"

I hope you find someway of getting through to her and turning on that little internal light of hers to kick start the process.

BAMFMeredith

I know it's hard to sit back and watch, but the decision is in her hands.

No one can be forced to change their lifestyle. They have to choose themselves to make the change.


I know that from experience. I've always been big and have been "put on" diets by my mum/aunt as a kid, and then by a doctor. I've always given up after a month after losing 10-20 lbs.

This time, I WANTED to change... and I'm doing well. Better than I've ever done. Because I WANTED to, not because someone else was telling me... Does that make sense?

Totally agree here. She has to want it and no matter how badly you want it for her, you can't make her want it.

The best thing you can do is continue to be a positive influence, and keep going. You're doing a really great job!

vypeters

Although not the ideal solution in my book... It sounds like it's getting to a life or death situation so maybe weight loss surgery if she qualifies? Weighing out options here, and it seems like she may be a good candidate.

Most situations like this I'd say that this person is obviously not ready and won't be able to commit until it's time and there's nothing you can do until she's ready to do it. However, from what you described, it sounds like she may not have that kind of time.

Unfortunately, it sounds like the OP's sister is a bad candidate for weight loss surgery. One thing it cannot do is help you if you drink your calories. Someone who isn't willing to at least change what they drink will be one of the ones you hear about so often who "never lost much weight" or "gained all the weight back".

The idea that folks who aren't willing to make changes can just have weight loss surgery and it will all go away is a myth. WLS is a strong tool to help folks make a lifestyle change, but if they won't or can't make that change it will fail. Many good surgeons are now screening out folks who just see it as an "easy way out".

JacksMom12

Unfortunately, it sounds like the OP's sister is a bad candidate for weight loss surgery. One thing it cannot do is help you if you drink your calories. Someone who isn't willing to at least change what they drink will be one of the ones you hear about so often who "never lost much weight" or "gained all the weight back".

The idea that folks who aren't willing to make changes can just have weight loss surgery and it will all go away is a myth. WLS is a strong tool to help folks make a lifestyle change, but if they won't or can't make that change it will fail. Many good surgeons are now screening out folks who just see it as an "easy way out".

Good point.

JMarigold

Just keep going. You can't make someone lose weight who really doesn't want to. Your sister has to want it like you do. She obviously doesn't. Sit with her and tell her you're afraid you're going to lose her. Maybe that will wake her up. Don't even mention the weight, talk about her heart, her eating/drinking habits. Otherwise, you can't do anything.

I agree with this. Focus on the fact that you are afraid she will die because she is unhealthy. Heart, blood pressure etc etc. Tell her it breaks your heart because you feel helpless watching her kill herself. Unfortunately, in the end you can't make her change. She has to do it.

chriscoates7025

I understand why you are frustrated, but you cannot make her change. She has to come to a point where she is determined to change. Being a good example is the best you can do. I hope she comes around before this kills her, but ultimately it is up to her


.

andrejjorje

Fantastic answer. This...

I'm really sorry. I know it sucks to watch her do this to herself.

The bottom line is you can't make her. If she doesn't have her own reasons & motivation for changing then no one else can give her any.

However, congrats on your amazing progress!