Getting your spouse on board?
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applejacks1552
Posts: 30
So I've been on my weight loss journey since January 1st and been on MFP about 40 days. So far I've lost about 12 lbs, but I've got a lot further to go. It's the second time I've gone through this, last time was about 2 years ago before I had my daughter.
Anyway, I LOVE my husband just as he is, but realistically he needs to lose weight even worse than I do. And even though he sees my success with MFP and is openly unhappy with his own weight, he just has no interest in trying it out or in making any real attempt to diet or exercise on his own.
Faithfully at 8 PM most evenings after our daughter goes to bed I head down to the basement for a workout on either the elliptical or treadmill leaving one of them free to use (it's too cold to go outside right now). I frequently invite him to join me, if only for 10 minutes! But no, he'd rather sit in the lazy boy watching TV and/or playing computer games. Says "Not this time" or "I just want to relax tonight".
It's just so frustrating, I've not suggesting anything difficult here! In fact, once he get's home from work he plops down in that chair and only gets up again for dinner, the bathroom, and finally to go up to bed! I on the other hand, get home from work and don't usually sit down again until nearly 9:30 at night! He spends all day at work sitting in front of a computer and come home feeling "exhausted" and that work is so stressful.
I tell him how much better I feel after working out and how easy it is to do . . . nope, won't try it.
My husband loves to cook and frequently will make dinner. And he often seems annoyed with me when I insist on dishing my own food or weighing/measuring ingredients or reading labels or giving instructions on what NOT to add to my portions or try to swap out ingredients that are healthier. I try not to comment on his own eating choices or tell him what to do, but I just don't want him to drag me or our daughter down with him.
Sometimes I get the impression I'm spoiling his fun when I don't join him in overindulging in an out to eat dinner or start talking about calories/nutrition of what we're having during a meal.
So mainly I've gotten to the point of trying not to talk about it to him much anymore except when it involves protecting my own interests. i.e. "No cheese on mine please" or "I'll be working out downstairs if you need me."
Don't get me wrong, I really do love him. He's a wonderful person. I just wish he would grow up and at least TRY to address his weight issue. The man is just plain lazy sometimes.
Ultimately, it's all about health though. I just want him to be around 20 years from now! And I sure wouldn't complain about his appearance if he lost a little either! And frankly, I think the weight loss would improve things in bed too, which isn't bad but has room for improvement and pretty much every guy wants more of!
Anyone have any suggestions on how to I can get this across to him without bruising his delicate male ego or seeming like a nag, which just seems to bring out the stubborn in him even more?
Anyone else dealing with or dealt with a similar scenario?
Anyway, I LOVE my husband just as he is, but realistically he needs to lose weight even worse than I do. And even though he sees my success with MFP and is openly unhappy with his own weight, he just has no interest in trying it out or in making any real attempt to diet or exercise on his own.
Faithfully at 8 PM most evenings after our daughter goes to bed I head down to the basement for a workout on either the elliptical or treadmill leaving one of them free to use (it's too cold to go outside right now). I frequently invite him to join me, if only for 10 minutes! But no, he'd rather sit in the lazy boy watching TV and/or playing computer games. Says "Not this time" or "I just want to relax tonight".
It's just so frustrating, I've not suggesting anything difficult here! In fact, once he get's home from work he plops down in that chair and only gets up again for dinner, the bathroom, and finally to go up to bed! I on the other hand, get home from work and don't usually sit down again until nearly 9:30 at night! He spends all day at work sitting in front of a computer and come home feeling "exhausted" and that work is so stressful.
I tell him how much better I feel after working out and how easy it is to do . . . nope, won't try it.
My husband loves to cook and frequently will make dinner. And he often seems annoyed with me when I insist on dishing my own food or weighing/measuring ingredients or reading labels or giving instructions on what NOT to add to my portions or try to swap out ingredients that are healthier. I try not to comment on his own eating choices or tell him what to do, but I just don't want him to drag me or our daughter down with him.
Sometimes I get the impression I'm spoiling his fun when I don't join him in overindulging in an out to eat dinner or start talking about calories/nutrition of what we're having during a meal.
So mainly I've gotten to the point of trying not to talk about it to him much anymore except when it involves protecting my own interests. i.e. "No cheese on mine please" or "I'll be working out downstairs if you need me."
Don't get me wrong, I really do love him. He's a wonderful person. I just wish he would grow up and at least TRY to address his weight issue. The man is just plain lazy sometimes.
Ultimately, it's all about health though. I just want him to be around 20 years from now! And I sure wouldn't complain about his appearance if he lost a little either! And frankly, I think the weight loss would improve things in bed too, which isn't bad but has room for improvement and pretty much every guy wants more of!
Anyone have any suggestions on how to I can get this across to him without bruising his delicate male ego or seeming like a nag, which just seems to bring out the stubborn in him even more?
Anyone else dealing with or dealt with a similar scenario?
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Replies
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My suggestion: don't be a martyr. Do your thing and get your weight loss groove on and leave your husband alone. He's probably tired of hearing you complain and nag. Show him some love and maybe, in time, he will see that you are looking healthier and feeling better, and he may want to join you. Just reading your post I feel terribly sorry for the guy. Why do us women seem to think we can make our husbands do stuff just because we feel they should? You've been overweight since MIDDLE SCHOOL, and you've only been tackling your health goals for *7 weeks* now and all of a sudden he has to have a fire under his butt too, just because *you* "suggest" it?
ETA: If he's nice enough to make you dinner, don't tell him what to make. Just portion yours out and eat it. There are TONS of women out there who would love their husband to cook for them.
I really hate it when people come on here and complain about their spouse. I can't even believe you posted something about him in the bedroom, too. That is an extremely private issue that should be kept between the two of you. How emasculating. I'm seriously blown away. Poor freakin' guy. :noway: I really hope he doesn't ever see this post about him.0 -
Keep on going and leave it alone. He will eventually come around. I've been losing since September and my hubby was never interested in joining me. This past weekend, he asked me to help him set up an MFP account and he's ready to lose HIS extra weight too.
I never nagged or even suggested it to him. He had to come to it on his own.0 -
YES until two wks ago mine was exactly like you. but for the past three month I have just been doin my thing and logging and losing. then when we started up pool again the guys at the bar were like, whoa, looking good. guys hit on me right in front of him so I think he finally realized he needed to do something about it. give him time and just do what you do without harping on him. if you had someone tell you you should get on the treadmill or you should eat this what would you do? I would be like you dont own me! im gonna eat what I want and do it just because I want to prove you wrong. lol. keep your chin up. it will get better but give it some more time0
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I am in the same boat. When I started out losing weight, we were both about borderline between healthy and overweight, but I don't carry weight well, and looked fatter. Now I have a BMI of 20, but he is still slightly overweight, and I do wish he would follow my example. I know he doesn't have time to exercise during the week (he works 7.30 am to 9.30 pm, travelling, so can't go to a gym or anything), but he could eat less. He does seem to have finally started watching what he eats a bit, but he can't resist snacking in the evenings, so although he is low on calories during the day, he makes them up in salami and cheese at night, which is just what I did before I joined MFP (minus the salami).
I really want him to get on here and log, but he won't, because he's a boy.0 -
As painful as it might be you will be just creating problems if you try and force someone to lose weight. As I am sure you are aware from your post you have had to put a lot of effort it making sure things are right for you both in what you eat and what you do.
He must be aware of what you are doing and how it is changing you. Do you watch any of the TV about what poor exercise and diet does and how people have changed things around? If not, try to watch them when he is about. He has to make the choice himself and direct nagging will not do the trick, or at least it very rarely does. Perhaps some third party nagging would do the trick.0 -
Thankfully, my boyfriend is a diabetic and wants to lose weight! Sorry about your frustration.
You are never going to get him to change unless he truly wants it. Keep inviting him, offering him the chance to change, but don't let it get to you. All it's going to do is slow you down. When it comes to weight loss, the only person you can change is you. Perhaps, as you are being so successful, he'll come around.0 -
My suggestion: don't be a martyr. Do your thing and get your weight loss groove on and leave your husband alone. He's probably tired of hearing you complain and nag. Show him some love and maybe, in time, he will see that you are looking healthier and feeling better, and he may want to join you. Just reading your post I feel terribly sorry for the guy. Why do us women seem to think we can make our husbands do stuff just because we feel they should? You've been overweight since MIDDLE SCHOOL, and you've only been tackling your health goals for *7 weeks* now and all of a sudden he has to have a fire under his butt too, just because *you* "suggest" it?
ETA: If he's nice enough to make you dinner, don't tell him what to make. Just portion yours out and eat it. There are TONS of women out there who would love their husband to cook for them.
I really hate it when people come on here and complain about their spouse. I can't even believe you posted something about him in the bedroom, too. That is an extremely private issue that should be kept between the two of you. How emasculating. I'm seriously blown away. Poor freakin' guy. :noway: I really hope he doesn't ever see this post about him.
Have to agree with this 100%. My fiance is morbidly obese and not doing much about it, if anything. Sure, it's upsetting thinking that it means I'm likely to lose him far earlier than I want to, but at the end of the day he has to have his own motivation and that won't come from anything I say or do.
Just because I'm looking after my health, it doesn't mean he automatically should as well. Hell, I was obese for a while before I found my motivation to turn things around, who am I to 'criticise'?0 -
Once you lose your weight he might be inspired to get in shape too. Until then, you cannot force him to join you and nagging won't work. Just drop the subject and let him motivate himself. I wouldn't even tell him you're going to work out because he may be taking that as a jab at how lazy he is.
If you're going to nitpick what he makes for dinner then do yourself and him a big favor and do the cooking please. I love getting a break from cooking when my husband does it but honestly, the things he makes! At least when I do it I get healthy stuff in there and I can portion it out correctly. I can't expect my husband to do that for me. Solution: I cook unless my husband really wants to make something. I eat whatever he cooks because I love him (and because it's good lol) but I watch my portions of the cooked food. MFP has a recipe function - you can easily add whatever ingredients he uses into that and then set how many people it feeds to find your portion. It won't hurt you to have dinner his way once in a while and he'll feel good that you're eating something he prepared.0 -
My husband is a lot like yours. I do my thing and leave him to do his. It's his choice ultimately and he knows I have him well insured. I laugh about it, but I want him to be happy too, and if that means he smokes like a chimney and drinks pepsi all day, then that's his choice. For me, I'm getting healthy and my life will change. If he wants to be a part of it, he'll have to figure out how he fits into the new lifestyle.
I love him. So I'll work at it. If he loves me, he will support me in my efforts to get healthy.
good luck. Talk to him!!!!0 -
My hubby has no interest either............he's not obese but he has a few pounds he could stand to lose.............I'm the one that usually cooks dinner so he eats what I make...........0
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Have to agree with everybody else, my husband joined me on MFP a few weeks after I started on here. But I have been losing weight quite a few month previously, so the weight loss was quite visible already. I mentioned how much better I was feeling and the clothes where getting to big and as his clothes were getting tighter and tighter he deceided for himself to join.
so let your husband make his own mind up for himself... Btw, my hubby was surprised how much he could still eat even so he is eating more healthier . 0 -
My suggestion: don't be a martyr. Do your thing and get your weight loss groove on and leave your husband alone. He's probably tired of hearing you complain and nag. Show him some love and maybe, in time, he will see that you are looking healthier and feeling better, and he may want to join you. Just reading your post I feel terribly sorry for the guy. Why do us women seem to think we can make our husbands do stuff just because we feel they should? You've been overweight since MIDDLE SCHOOL, and you've only been tackling your health goals for *7 weeks* now and all of a sudden he has to have a fire under his butt too, just because *you* "suggest" it?
ETA: If he's nice enough to make you dinner, don't tell him what to make. Just portion yours out and eat it. There are TONS of women out there who would love their husband to cook for them.
I really hate it when people come on here and complain about their spouse. I can't even believe you posted something about him in the bedroom, too. That is an extremely private issue that should be kept between the two of you. How emasculating. I'm seriously blown away. Poor freakin' guy. :noway: I really hope he doesn't ever see this post about him.
^^THIS!!!!0 -
Well EXCUSE me, but I was just looking for a little moral support from other wives dealing with a similar situation and NOT a lecture on what a terrible wife I am.
Yes, it is truly TERRIBLE that I want my husband to care about his health and not be dead from a stroke in 20 years.
And I have lost weight before. 30 lbs in fact. And it made no impression on him last time, he just did his thing like he is this time.
HE is the one who complains about his weight to me. He wants to change. I know he is not happy. But my point was he only complains, doesn't actually do anything about it. And he doesn't want any help or suggestions from me.
He is a smart man and a good man, but it is frustrating that he won't even try. I know he is not happy with himself.
I DO show him love and appreciation. I thank him when he cooks and I do appreciate it, but it's not unreasonable to ask him not to load up my calories.
And I only bring up the bedroom because he implies that he would like more in that department, but often seems too tired to follow through. And I know the weight isn't helping. I am perfectly happy with things in that department as it turns out. It's not like I'm giving specifics here or being terribly personal! Jeez, don't be such a prude.0 -
And I only bring up the bedroom because he implies that he would like more in that department, but often seems too tired to follow through. And I know the weight isn't helping. I am perfectly happy with things in that department as it turns out. It's not like I'm giving specifics here or being terribly personal! Jeez, don't be such a prude.
But see, even this is TMI. If he implied he wanted more in that department, it was between you and him, not a few hundred of your closest internet buddies. You say you just want to help him, for his health, and that may be true, but your first post comes off as tons of complaining and putting him down. It's great that he is a good, nice guy-but perhaps you should have this discussion about his downfalls with a close friend or something, not put it out there on a public internet forum.0 -
If your fiancé is morbidly obese and you are well on your way to a healthy lifestyle would that make you question your choices. as a married man of 14 years I know a huge difference in lifestyles don't really make for a great lasting marriage just wonderingMy suggestion: don't be a martyr. Do your thing and get your weight loss groove on and leave your husband alone. He's probably tired of hearing you complain and nag. Show him some love and maybe, in time, he will see that you are looking healthier and feeling better, and he may want to join you. Just reading your post I feel terribly sorry for the guy. Why do us women seem to think we can make our husbands do stuff just because we feel they should? You've been overweight since MIDDLE SCHOOL, and you've only been tackling your health goals for *7 weeks* now and all of a sudden he has to have a fire under his butt too, just because *you* "suggest" it?
ETA: If he's nice enough to make you dinner, don't tell him what to make. Just portion yours out and eat it. There are TONS of women out there who would love their husband to cook for them.
I really hate it when people come on here and complain about their spouse. I can't even believe you posted something about him in the bedroom, too. That is an extremely private issue that should be kept between the two of you. How emasculating. I'm seriously blown away. Poor freakin' guy. :noway: I really hope he doesn't ever see this post about him.
Have to agree with this 100%. My fiance is morbidly obese and not doing much about it, if anything. Sure, it's upsetting thinking that it means I'm likely to lose him far earlier than I want to, but at the end of the day he has to have his own motivation and that won't come from anything I say or do.
Just because I'm looking after my health, it doesn't mean he automatically should as well. Hell, I was obese for a while before I found my motivation to turn things around, who am I to 'criticise'?0 -
I know how you feel. I started my MFP journey last January and have lost a staggering 112 pounds. My husband didn't have as much as I did to lose but he needed to drop about 35 pounds and he needed to exercise. I just did my thing. I didn't hound him about it and just let him see the changes in me in how I looked, felt, energy levels, etc. Finally, on his own he started with the program about 4 months ago. He has dropped about 25 pounds and he looks and feels so much better.
Just do your thing is my suggestion. You can lead a horse to water....you know the rest.0 -
Well EXCUSE me, but I was just looking for a little moral support from other wives dealing with a similar situation and NOT a lecture on what a terrible wife I am.
Yes, it is truly TERRIBLE that I want my husband to care about his health and not be dead from a stroke in 20 years.
And I have lost weight before. 30 lbs in fact. And it made no impression on him last time, he just did his thing like he is this time.
HE is the one who complains about his weight to me. He wants to change. I know he is not happy. But my point was he only complains, doesn't actually do anything about it. And he doesn't want any help or suggestions from me.
He is a smart man and a good man, but it is frustrating that he won't even try. I know he is not happy with himself.
I DO show him love and appreciation. I thank him when he cooks and I do appreciate it, but it's not unreasonable to ask him not to load up my calories.
And I only bring up the bedroom because he implies that he would like more in that department, but often seems too tired to follow through. And I know the weight isn't helping. I am perfectly happy with things in that department as it turns out. It's not like I'm giving specifics here or being terribly personal! Jeez, don't be such a prude.
Were you not the same for a long time, before you found your motivation? You're going on about 'last time'. Can we assume you lost weight once before and then stopped, or gave up, maybe even gained? You seem to have this idea that your approach is better than his in some way.
My fiance isn't happy with his weight, and he's terrified of dying early (which WILL happen, as much as it breaks my heart every day to know it), but if exercise is hard for him and if his addiction to food is near-impossible for him to break (I know how hard it is, I've been there), I'd rather see him enjoying days on the sofa, playing XBox and eating pizza than fighting a long, hard battle without that true, deep motivation that made me turn my life around. I was the same once - I loved eating pizza, followed by chocolate, and lying around all day playing games. I've been there, and so have you. If he leaves this world fat but having experienced happiness, even if that happiness was tinged with the sadness of his weight, I'd far rather that than know he fought for so long for something his heart wasn't completely in.0 -
I am sorry that you don't like the answers given and take them personal.
Have you thought about going for a swim or a dance in the evening? Maybe even a stroll to the pub and have a low cal drink and walk back?
Maybe your husband finds the idea boring to work out , like I do ,but there is a lot of exercise that can be fun, have you thought about getting a Wii? Could combined video gaming with excersising in a fun kind of way?0 -
If your fiancé is morbidly obese and you are well on your way to a healthy lifestyle would that make you question your choices. as a married man of 14 years I know a huge difference in lifestyles don't really make for a great lasting marriage just wondering
Ah, hello. Think I've just gone into this in a bit more detail in a post just above this one.
The fact is, I love my fiance. If he can leave me to get on with my life my way, I can leave him to get on with his life his way. There'll be a struggle in future when we have children and I'm raising them with a healthy lifestyle and they see dad being lazy and eating pizza, but I'm sure I'll find a way to work through these things.
The only thing I would have that makes me feel the slightest bit negative about our relationship is the knowledge that I'm not a big enough motivation to stay alive, but I treasure every second I have with him and wouldn't change him for the world. All I care about is what makes him happiest, and I guess the devastating bit is that he'll not be 100% happy whether he works to get healthy or stays how he is now, unless he finds a real reason to change and that outweighs how painful a battle a change in lifestyle is.0 -
I am not in your situation, but I think I understand how you feel. I love my husband also and want him around as long as possible. I also agree with some of the other post about you can't make him change he has to do it.
When you cook meals find some healthy, but really yummy meals and make them. My husband isn't doing this with me but loves some of the meals I make and requests them. I have made some he says yuck to as well lol So if I like that meal I will change it a bit for him. The only one I can think of off the top of my head is twice baked sweet potatoes. I made the recipe healthy and I loved them, him not so much. So the next time I made it I made mine the healthier way and fattened his up a bit. I realize thats not what you want to do, but if you can make small changes and its things he likes you will probably notice a difference down the road, and maybe he will also. It will just take alittle bit longer. I have found alot of healthy recipes on allrecipes.com and have just been trying new things.
Would he be willing to go for walks with you? Maybe Hiking alittle if you live near any really pretty sites. How about playing tennis, basketball anything that seems more like fun then excersize? Even if its just for a few minutes here and there. Swimming?
Just focus on yourself and get yourself healthy. Thats hard enough sometimes. And If he discourages you it will only make it harder. Be proud of what you are accomplishing and keep going. Down the road who knows what will happen, maybe he will catch on.
Good Luck0
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