My Lack of Commitment

cecilia49

I went to a 21st birthday bash with my partner and mother in-law this weekend. I had a ball! I ate and drank without any caution as to how many calories I was consuming. Out of 200 guests, I was the largest young female in the crowd. It didn’t quite bother me because I knew I looked nice dipped in nametags from head to toe. Nevertheless, reality hit the fan once I saw the pictures of this event surfaced online. I was embarrassed of the woman who stood proudly next to her non-judging loving friends. If I say I didn’t cry, I would be lying to you. This is by far the biggest I have seen myself on picture. I have decided to print this picture and paste it on my fridge at home. I will print a picture from when I was 70 pounds lighter (4years ago) and post it right next to the current one. Reality needs to hit me in the face every second I want to run to the fridge.

This had me thinking. It had me thinking hard about the last time that I truly committed to losing weight. I pondered for hours and hours and I sadly could not recall when was the last time I truly lost more than 15 pounds because I wanted to. (I lost 20 pounds pledging in the past, but that was by force.) I chronologically jotted down my highest and low peaks with my weight struggle, and I notice that the lowest weight I had been was in 2006 where I lost a lot of my weight by jogging every morning. This was a time where I did not jog to lose weight; I simply jogged to get away from the reality and pain of having to see my mother in the hospital every morning shortly before she passed away. I jogged to free my mind and to escape the reality that my mother was dying right before me and I didn’t know what to do. I jogged every morning before heading to the ICU just to have a clear head and show no pain to her. I jogged not to lose weight; I jogged to get away.

So this means that the last time I committed to losing weight was when I did not think of losing weight. The last time I committed to doing something was when it became an escape to me instead of a chore or requirement. It was when the act of cardio was my place of tranquility and escape, not a duty and struggle within me.

Do I not lose weight because I know I cannot? Or is it that I don’t want to commit to it because I am afraid to missing out on things?

I guess I will never understand until I think of weight loss differently. That picture brought me back to reality. That picture is me!

M3