My Lack of Commitment
cecilia49
Posts: 15
I went to a 21st birthday bash with my partner and mother in-law this weekend. I had a ball! I ate and drank without any caution as to how many calories I was consuming. Out of 200 guests, I was the largest young female in the crowd. It didn’t quite bother me because I knew I looked nice dipped in nametags from head to toe. Nevertheless, reality hit the fan once I saw the pictures of this event surfaced online. I was embarrassed of the woman who stood proudly next to her non-judging loving friends. If I say I didn’t cry, I would be lying to you. This is by far the biggest I have seen myself on picture. I have decided to print this picture and paste it on my fridge at home. I will print a picture from when I was 70 pounds lighter (4years ago) and post it right next to the current one. Reality needs to hit me in the face every second I want to run to the fridge.
This had me thinking. It had me thinking hard about the last time that I truly committed to losing weight. I pondered for hours and hours and I sadly could not recall when was the last time I truly lost more than 15 pounds because I wanted to. (I lost 20 pounds pledging in the past, but that was by force.) I chronologically jotted down my highest and low peaks with my weight struggle, and I notice that the lowest weight I had been was in 2006 where I lost a lot of my weight by jogging every morning. This was a time where I did not jog to lose weight; I simply jogged to get away from the reality and pain of having to see my mother in the hospital every morning shortly before she passed away. I jogged to free my mind and to escape the reality that my mother was dying right before me and I didn’t know what to do. I jogged every morning before heading to the ICU just to have a clear head and show no pain to her. I jogged not to lose weight; I jogged to get away.
So this means that the last time I committed to losing weight was when I did not think of losing weight. The last time I committed to doing something was when it became an escape to me instead of a chore or requirement. It was when the act of cardio was my place of tranquility and escape, not a duty and struggle within me.
Do I not lose weight because I know I cannot? Or is it that I don’t want to commit to it because I am afraid to missing out on things?
I guess I will never understand until I think of weight loss differently. That picture brought me back to reality. That picture is me!
M3
This had me thinking. It had me thinking hard about the last time that I truly committed to losing weight. I pondered for hours and hours and I sadly could not recall when was the last time I truly lost more than 15 pounds because I wanted to. (I lost 20 pounds pledging in the past, but that was by force.) I chronologically jotted down my highest and low peaks with my weight struggle, and I notice that the lowest weight I had been was in 2006 where I lost a lot of my weight by jogging every morning. This was a time where I did not jog to lose weight; I simply jogged to get away from the reality and pain of having to see my mother in the hospital every morning shortly before she passed away. I jogged to free my mind and to escape the reality that my mother was dying right before me and I didn’t know what to do. I jogged every morning before heading to the ICU just to have a clear head and show no pain to her. I jogged not to lose weight; I jogged to get away.
So this means that the last time I committed to losing weight was when I did not think of losing weight. The last time I committed to doing something was when it became an escape to me instead of a chore or requirement. It was when the act of cardio was my place of tranquility and escape, not a duty and struggle within me.
Do I not lose weight because I know I cannot? Or is it that I don’t want to commit to it because I am afraid to missing out on things?
I guess I will never understand until I think of weight loss differently. That picture brought me back to reality. That picture is me!
M3
0
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