Wedding day dilemma...

LATeagno

I got married on September 23rd, 2011. Five months ago today. About 30 minutes before I walked down the aisle, my maid of honor and one of my best friends received a phone call that her brother (who was 22, engaged and the father of a one year old) was killed in a car accident.

My emotions got the best of me. I had one of those moment where I was crying hysterically because, well, I was about to get married and I was already nervous, emotions running high: but this was just too much. My then to-be sis in law gave me some anti-anxiety medication so that I could collect myself. I cried during the ceremony but remained mostly composed; but my tears weren't because I was happy to be married. They were because... oh. my. god. Did this really just happen?

I don't remember a good portion of my wedding. Our photographer sucked too, and failed to take the little nuance photos-- no photos of our guests whatsoever, no photos of our food, the string quartet that we hired. But that's another story.

I drank too much, too. I regret that deeply. I don't even drink, usually, but I just wanted to have fun. Instead, I ended up at a table at midnight, as the event staff were cleaning around me, bawling my eyes out because every cell in my body was misfiring or something. My hubby had gone to take the wedding gifts back to our house (we didn't get to go on a honeymoon because he's a PhD student and couldn't afford to take that time off). He came back to me with my head down, in my wedding dress, just crying my eyes out as a janitor was vacuuming around me as if I had the plague. Haha... kinda funny, now that I think about it.

Anyway, it is so awful when someone young passes away unexpectedly. My friend was very close with her brother too. She posts about him pretty much daily on Facebook, still, five months later. I feel awful for her. I've never had anything like that happen to me.

But I feel so jaded about my wedding day. I'm afraid to talk about my wedding in front of her (or online where she can see it). I'm afraid to even post about my anniversary when it happens. I know people say "the feeling will pass," but she's the type of person who will be commemorating this 25 years from now. Of course, there is nothing wrong with that. What happened to her is beyond words. I can't even imagine.

I just want my memories back. I was too busy being on medicine that made me woozy to remember them. On the 23rd of every month, I am reminded of his passing, but am too afraid to say anything about what should have been the happiest day of my life.

Am I selfish? i don't even know. I don't want to offend her, so I don't talk about it at all. I don't want to be responsible for a mental breakdown. I didn't even post most of my wedding photos until several months after the wedding, and when I did, she commented things like "see the look of terror on my face" on the ones she was in (we took bride-side photos before the wedding; before we knew he'd passed away. We were told her was in an accident during the photo shoot, but since we thought it wasn't major, she stayed until she got word).

I don't mean to sound awful. I just want my memories. They're gone, and I'm so heartbroken. I barely remember anything.

DawnVanSlim

Wow, that just sucks in every way. I am not sure what to tell you. Maybe you can renew your vows in the near future and create some newer happier memories. Im sorry this happened to you and to your close friend.

LATeagno

Wow, that just sucks in every way. I am not sure what to tell you. Maybe you can renew your vows in the near future and create some newer happier memories. Im sorry this happened to you and to your close friend.

Thanks. I'm not even sure what I need to hear. I just don't usually talk about it and thought it might help to tell somebody about it. It eats me up inside, you know?

1234567kate9

Maybe you can renew your vows in the near future and create some newer happier memories.

I definitely agree with this. I think by allowing yourself a chance to make new memories, the lack of memories from your actual wedding will be less painful, and you can focus on being a great friend to someone who clearly needs it

EmCarroll1990

Wow, that just sucks in every way. I am not sure what to tell you. Maybe you can renew your vows in the near future and create some newer happier memories. Im sorry this happened to you and to your close friend.

Thanks. I'm not even sure what I need to hear. I just don't usually talk about it and thought it might help to tell somebody about it. It eats me up inside, you know?

I think she's got a great idea. That way you can have new memories. It's such a random act of events, I don't know what advice to give...

LATeagno

Maybe you can renew your vows in the near future and create some newer happier memories.

I definitely agree with this. I think by allowing yourself a chance to make new memories, the lack of memories from your actual wedding will be less painful, and you can focus on being a great friend to someone who clearly needs it

I do talk to her about her brother. I have been very supportive. I just want to make that clear. It's just that i never get to talk about my wedding day. This was a day i'd been waiting my whole life for, you know? And it's like it never happened to me. I'm not so selfish to like, stop talking to her or anything. I promise.

I do like the vow renewal idea. Maybe next year.

dragonbait0126

While I commend you for being such a great friend, I'm sure she knows that day was just as important to you as it was to her just for different reasons. You should not feel guilty for wanting to remember what was supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life. While a horrible tragedy happened on that day, there is also a reason to remember the happiness of that day as well. And yes, there was some type of happiness even through the tears (I'm assuming you were happy to be marrying your husband). Have you talked to your friend? Maybe she's feeling the same way you are? There's no reason you both can't be happy about your wedding and sad about the death of a loved one. That support system works both ways. You can support her as much as you want but don't deprive yourself of the important event that happened in your life that day either.