Parents calling their kids fat

esperluette

My mom lives in another state and when she visits her first comment is always about how "fat" I am, in front of my family, multiple times. It makes me feel so horrible and angry because I've been working really hard to keep up with my fitness and can now fit into my old 25 inch waist jeans. I realize I was heavy set when I was younger, but my parents were the ones buying me McDonalds all the time and being raised by them is subsequently how I established my eating habits. I can't tell you how many times she's known that this pattern makes me extremely upset, yet it continues.

How have you gotten a loved one to understand the hurtfulness of their words?
Parents, when you talk to your kids about their weight do you realize how malicious you sound? How do you avoid it or tactfully bring it up?

I realize it's different when there is a major concern, but I'm addressing the times when it's mainly more about aesthetics? This situation really makes it tough to feel like any progress I make will warrant positive reinforcement from my mom.

peachNpunkin

OMGosh, I know this lady who is uber skinny. I almost think she is anorexic, which is scary and sad all at the same time. Anyway, she has a teenaged daughter who is 15 I believe. This woman goes and picks her up for lunch, takes her home to feed her lunch and takes her back to school everyday so that her daughter doesnt eat anything "fattening". I couldn't beleive it when I found this out. I was shocked!! She said that she doesn't want her daughter to be fat. The poor child is skin and bones already, how much skinnier can she get?

annabellj

wow! i dont know really know how to address this as a mom thing as mine died when i was little but if it were my mom i would tell her nicely when you are in a good place and alone that you feel hurt when she does it and that it is detrimental to you and your family for her to say so in front of them. tell her you know that you are not where you want to be and you are making changes to your life to get there. tell her that you are trying to change your learned eating habits and that it takes time to do so. your mom sounds like a tool. just sayin. what other things does she say to you? and i dont think you are heavy at all. your pic is adorable! this type of bullying will set you up on the emotional path of binging or overeating. i have had boyfriends way before hubby call me this and all it did was depress me and make me want to eat more. i realize you cant dump your mom like you can a bf but you can insist that she doesnt visit until she stops this attitude.

swimmchick87

My mom constantly bringing up my weight when I was younger is one of the reasons I think I really struggle with weight as an adult. My mom has been obese most of her life. I think in her mind she didn't want me to end up like her and thought she was doing the right thing. She was thin as a child/teen and gained tons of weight in her early 20s. I think when she saw me put on a couple pounds she'd worry I was going to keep going. The problem was, when she was making all of these comments, I wasn't overweight. I was 5'4 and about 130-135 pounds, which is well within the healthy BMI range. I'd then feel like I had to lose weight, and end up doing crazy yo-yo diets. I ate normally when I was originally in that weight range, but when I started "dieting" I'd eat very little, and then end up binging. Of course I ended up gaining weight from this. The sad irony is that my current goal weight is 135 pounds- something I would have had no problem maintaining had I never started "dieting" in the first place but is very difficult for me now given the bad habits I've built up over the years. I've told my mom how I feel about her comments before and they have not stopped. Parents, THINK about what you're saying and what an effect that really has on your kids.

JulieH3art

Even when I was fat, my Mum never called me anything but beautiful. It's one of the things I am the most grateful for to her.

If you call your kid fat you make them feel inadequate and you **** them up. Take the child along on fun activities, cook healthier and keep your big mouth shut!!! It makes me SO MAD.

RedVelvetCurls

Ah, my dad calls me fat whenever we fight. Even when I was 10 stone a couple of years ago, he still did it. I think that sometimes it's just a method of upsetting someone - some people like doing that.

But these days, if I saw a parent call his/her child fat, I'd be pretty pissed off. There's a lot of pressure on the younger generation to be skinny, so I think they need more support from their parents. Now more than ever actually. If a child is overweight, then you need to explain to them that yes, they're getting a little overweight so it's time to cut back on sweets and chips. But never, ever call them fat.

Dexy_

I never want my children to be overweight, but if that happened I'd never call them 'fat' or anything of the sort. I always have fruis available, cook healthy meals & encourage them to play physical games. When they're older I'll also put them in sports and all that kind of stuff & hope for the best!

I also believe that if a child is under the age of 4-6 (when they start controlling most of their eating) is overweight it is ENTIRELY the parents fault, and should be considered a form of child abuse.

islandjumper

My dad....who really had/has no room to talk called me fat once when I was about 8 or 9...crushed me. It's the worst thing a parent can do, even if the child is a bit on the heavy side. There are much better ways to go about it.

skinnieminniemouse

That's so sad I can't believe she would do that!

My dad before made a joke about how heavy I was infront of my boyfriend, his dad and my mum. It took all my willpower not to cry, I know he thought he was just being funny but I was mortified!

I think it is wrong, you should not make your children feel uncomfortable in their own skin. I hope your mum stops doing it soon, you should be proud of yourself for how far you have come!

Leo_Joy_HG

My mother has always called me fat through-out my chjildhood and teenage years. I was always the 'fat squashy one' and my elder sister is the 'thin bony one'. I don't remember i time when i didn't hate how fat i apparently was.

she stopped calling me fat when i became bulimic and denys she ever did which i find very hurtful. Even now, when i can't be very much bigger than my sister she is still much smaller in my mum's eyes.

I think parents don't realise how they can effect their children.

kirstand

gosh this is a tricky one...
my mum has only once (from memory) said anything about me being overweight (i'd fractured my ankle and over-ate because i was bored)...many many years ago. i was lying in front of the tv and i can remember her saying something like, looking like a beached whale!! she denies ever saying this...but it stuck...think i was size (NZ) 16, i was usually size 10-12 (current size).
hindsight tells me it was her way of reverse psychology.

however, i do catch myself warning my 14 y/o son about the dangers of eating junk food too often and getting into bad eating habits that will continue into adulthood...i am ashamed to say i've probably said a few straight up harsh things to try and scare him into making better choices! he is thankfully a very active person (for now) so needs loads of fueling!

most people dont say anything when you are putting on weight but do if you are losing it...dunno why that is?

AsaThorsWoman

I totally disagree. If a child is fat there's no need sugar coating it to them. I totally support motivating them to exercise and eat right, but if your childs clinically obese it is an issue you need to resolve with them.

victoria4321

My family telling me I was fat made me become more active and play sports in college. It also convinced me to start running before that. To be honest, I never knew I was fat before then because no one told me. After that, my brother started to run in the park with me and now I do it alone. I been living on my own during college and I didnt get the nutrition part down for years though.

Personally, I think parents should tell their kids when they get fat. It needs a delicate, but brutally honest approach. Its better to hear it from them than from strangers. I hear people say mean things about obese people all the time and I think i'd be more hurt dealing with any ridicule.

islandjumper

Could it be a cultural thing (to the OP)? Did your mom grow up outside the US? I've been around a lot of people from African and Asian cultures and it's not offensive to call someone fat. In fact, in many African cultures (I have no idea if the same is true in Asian cultures) it's a point of pride to be on the heavier side because it's a sign of wealth (the complete opposite from American society). If you're skinny it means you don't have enough to eat, if you have some meat on your bones it means your family can afford it. I know how crushing it can be for us to be called fat by a parent, just trying to put it a different spin on it.

islandjumper

I totally disagree. If a child is fat there's no need sugar coating it to them. I totally support motivating them to exercise and eat right, but if your childs clinically obese it is an issue you need to resolve with them.

There's a difference between encouraging your child to be active and eat healthy and calling them fat. Kids are mentally fairly fragile, and hearing something like that come from their parents (when they're most likely already dealing with bullies at school) is beyond bad.

Lobster1987

I have an emotionally abusive mother as well. I am trying to learn that I can not change her or her behaviors, but I can change the way I react to them. I'm sure you have tried sitting her down and explaining to her how you feel. You're an adult now and you need to make the decision whether it's worth having her in your life to put up with it. I've decided mine is now, so I do not communicate with her any longer and it brings my stress level down and my self-esteem up. I hope you find what works best for your situation!

psiren28

if it were my mom i would tell her nicely when you are in a good place and alone that you feel hurt when she does it and that it is detrimental to you and your family for her to say so in front of them.

^^^^ this

This, but do it front of everyone next time she makes a comment in front of your family, make her feel like she's making you feel and show her up in front of the family. It sounds harsh to make your mum feel bad in front of people but maybe if she knew how it felt she'd think twice before doing it next time. Sometimes people need a taste of their own medicine.

AutumnsPassage

Personally, I think parents should tell their kids when they get fat. It needs a delicate, but brutally honest approach. Its better to hear it from them than from strangers.

I completely agree but parents shouldn't stop there they should be supportive in helping their children maintain their weight. When it comes to younger children it's not about losing weight but simply not gaining anymore.

jpaulino2

My parents have always insulted me for my weight so I understand where you're coming from. In 7th grade, I confronted my dad when he said something rude about the way I looked and I asked him why he needed to make those comments if I was already being made fun of in school. A couple months ago when I started losing weight he made a comment about how I would finally look nice and be able to wear the clothes I want. I don't think he will ever be sensitive to my feelings and told him that I'm doing this for myself and I don't need his approval. I still haven't gotten over some of the things my family has said to me partly because the insults hurt more coming from them. I don't understand parents that think it's ok to call their kids fat. It's sad that my parents, and to be honest a lot of other parents, seem to care more about the way their children look than their actual health. Why can't parents teach their kids to eat healthy foods and encourage them to exercise without using insults? Do people assume that's some sort of incentive? It just messes with the child's self esteem, and parents should be teaching their kids the importance of self-love instead.

Also, you are by no means overweight, and may be your mother is projecting her own insecurities on to you. She isn't around to know what you're doing and has no idea how much hard work you've put in. Hopefully one day she will understand how her words have affected you. You can never be exactly what someone wants of you, so for now try to focus on how you feel about yourself and be proud of what you've accomplished.

Di3012

My mom lives in another state and when she visits her first comment is always about how "fat" I am, in front of my family, multiple times. It makes me feel so horrible and angry because I've been working really hard to keep up with my fitness and can now fit into my old 25 inch waist jeans. I realize I was heavy set when I was younger, but my parents were the ones buying me McDonalds all the time and being raised by them is subsequently how I established my eating habits. I can't tell you how many times she's known that this pattern makes me extremely upset, yet it continues.

How have you gotten a loved one to understand the hurtfulness of their words?
Parents, when you talk to your kids about their weight do you realize how malicious you sound? How do you avoid it or tactfully bring it up?

I realize it's different when there is a major concern, but I'm addressing the times when it's mainly more about aesthetics? This situation really makes it tough to feel like any progress I make will warrant positive reinforcement from my mom.

Tell her that fitting into size 25inch waist jeans puts you at far from fat! Is she blind or what??

LollipopViolet

My mum made a few comments about my weight when I was about 18. I'd had a rough time through school and unfortunately turned to food to help me deal with it. Those comments really hurt (mum's as thin as a stick and can eat whatever she likes without gaining weight), and I told her how it made me feel.

She said nothing about it really, but she did stop commenting. Anyway, fast forward to now, age 22, a final year university student and I'm still overweight, but I've joined a gym and have so far lost 6lbs overall I'm doing this for me, not my mum or anyone else. I keep having bad days and gaining a little, and the pressures of my course mean I can't go to the gym nearly as much as I want, but I work hard when I go and try really hard with my diet.

My mum has gone from the one calling me fat, to the one pointing out how my clothes are getting looser and cheering me up when I'm feeling down.

JulieH3art

I totally disagree. If a child is fat there's no need sugar coating it to them. I totally support motivating them to exercise and eat right, but if your childs clinically obese it is an issue you need to resolve with them.

That isn't the point. Of COURSE you should help your child. But not by psychologically breaking them down. That's how you create eating disorders.

victoria4321

I totally disagree. If a child is fat there's no need sugar coating it to them. I totally support motivating them to exercise and eat right, but if your childs clinically obese it is an issue you need to resolve with them.

That isn't the point. Of COURSE you should help your child. But not by psychologically breaking them down. That's how you create eating disorders.

Can't the kids in school taunting them create eating disorders as well?

dad106

My dad always called me Fat... Hence the 29 pound weight loss. Now that I've done that, he goes oh but your getting a little too thin.. Don't want to lose too much.

I also made him buy me all new clothes since he was the reason of my weight loss.. and since I like expensive clothes, he hasn't said one word about me being too fat or too thin since

kvreeken

Forward this feed to her and ask her to read........I'm sure in her head she feels she is helping in some way.

catcrazy

"I'm fat, you're classless, I'm dieting, what are you doing?" Delivered with a smile to an acquaintance who thought it his place to comment on my weight.

Not sure if it would work for your mum but think along those lines.

esperluette

In response to (I forgot to hit the quote button): Could it be a cultural thing (to the OP)? Did your mom grow up outside the US? I've been around a lot of people from African and Asian cultures and it's not offensive to call someone fat. In fact, in many African cultures (I have no idea if the same is true in Asian cultures) it's a point of pride to be on the heavier side because it's a sign of wealth (the complete opposite from American society). If you're skinny it means you don't have enough to eat, if you have some meat on your bones it means your family can afford it. I know how crushing it can be for us to be called fat by a parent, just trying to put it a different spin on it.


You bring up an interesting point, and yes, she was raised elsewhere, but her comments have gotten so out of hand that even my aunts and uncles have to cut her off and say that I'm not fat. So while it may be partially cultural, I feel that it has gotten beyond that point and is more about intentionally damaging my feelings.

Dimplybutt

I totally disagree. If a child is fat there's no need sugar coating it to them. I totally support motivating them to exercise and eat right, but if your childs clinically obese it is an issue you need to resolve with them.

There's a difference between encouraging your child to be active and eat healthy and calling them fat. Kids are mentally fairly fragile, and hearing something like that come from their parents (when they're most likely already dealing with bullies at school) is beyond bad.

^ ^ ^ Totally agree!

ninerbuff

My mom lives in another state and when she visits her first comment is always about how "fat" I am, in front of my family, multiple times. It makes me feel so horrible and angry because I've been working really hard to keep up with my fitness and can now fit into my old 25 inch waist jeans. I realize I was heavy set when I was younger, but my parents were the ones buying me McDonalds all the time and being raised by them is subsequently how I established my eating habits. I can't tell you how many times she's known that this pattern makes me extremely upset, yet it continues.

How have you gotten a loved one to understand the hurtfulness of their words?
Parents, when you talk to your kids about their weight do you realize how malicious you sound? How do you avoid it or tactfully bring it up?

I realize it's different when there is a major concern, but I'm addressing the times when it's mainly more about aesthetics? This situation really makes it tough to feel like any progress I make will warrant positive reinforcement from my mom.

If you're Asian, then expect it not only from parents but from relatives and even other "older" Asians who see you alot. Asians don't think of it as a personal attack, it's just a cultural thing that I've noticed we do.
All I can tell you is not to think of it a personal. My aunt, who hadn't seen me in 10 years, commented I'm looking fatter to her. In reality, I haven't changed weight (I stay within 10-12lbs) consistently, so though she may have seen me slightly bigger, her comment wasn't taken personally.
Keep your chin up. I know that it can hurt sometimes, but trying to change years of cultural habits will drive you up the wall and distract you from you reaching the goals your trying to achieve in life.

A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

ninerbuff

Could it be a cultural thing (to the OP)? Did your mom grow up outside the US? I've been around a lot of people from African and Asian cultures and it's not offensive to call someone fat. In fact, in many African cultures (I have no idea if the same is true in Asian cultures) it's a point of pride to be on the heavier side because it's a sign of wealth (the complete opposite from American society). If you're skinny it means you don't have enough to eat, if you have some meat on your bones it means your family can afford it. I know how crushing it can be for us to be called fat by a parent, just trying to put it a different spin on it.

This.

A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

esperluette

Thanks for all of your responses, everyone. I'm trying really hard to focus on maintaining my health and fitness for myself and stay focused what I want to achieve, not what she thinks I should. At this point, it seems my mom is set in her ways even after seeing how many times her words make me break down and even when being told by other people her comments are wrong. I definitely use my experience to motivate me to create an environment for my kids in the future to maintain a nutritious and active lifestyle. I just know that things said during a parent/child relationship can end up sticking with the child for the rest of their life, whether it's one hurtful comment or many being repeated. It's just really disappointing that in regards to weight, parents sometimes try to change a child's body for aesthetic purposes rather than health.