Unrelated to weight loss, but need advice

femmi1120

So, I've been with my boyfriend for exactly 4 years (we just celebrated our anniversary). I also just found out that 2 years ago, my ex roommate and ex best friend hit on him. And when I say, "hit on," I mean she straight up asked if it was ok if she undressed in front of him. I am just now finding out about this, and although he says he refused her, I still feel majorly betrayed. I feel sick to my stomach and can't even sleep.
He says he didn't want to ruin our friendship. Does anyone actually buy this story? Because I sure as hell don't believe he can actually consider this person my friend after she did this.

lgord92

I am at a loss for words. But I would definitely approach her and have a serious talk with her about it. I'm sorry she had the nerve to commit such an act. I hope everything works out for you.

RAFValentina

Maybe he feels guilty to take something away from you but at the same time, because he loves you couldn't stand the thought of you not knowing or him hiding it from you. He probably felt really awkward about it for some time and never knew how to tell you, and come on, why would he want to break up a friendship...was she drunk at the times, is he taking it out of context, perhaps being a little fantastical and misinterpreting the situation at the time... ??

flab2sixpack

What caused your boyfriend to tell you this in the 1st place?? Did he just come blurt this, out of the blue??

andiechick

While I think what your so called friend did was despicable, you've obviously had a ford relationship with your guy for the last 2 years since the incident. Do you believe he didn't do anything with her. If so, I'd move on from it and look towards the future. Life is too short to hold grievances of something that happened sometime ago. By all means, tell him you're upset he couldn't tell you what happened but don't let it spoil what seems like an otherwise good relationship x

femmi1120

Maybe he feels guilty to take something away from you but at the same time, because he loves you couldn't stand the thought of you not knowing or him hiding it from you. He probably felt really awkward about it for some time and never knew how to tell you, and come on, why would he want to break up a friendship...was she drunk at the times, is he taking it out of context, perhaps being a little fantastical and misinterpreting the situation at the time... ??

Well, here's the thing, I can understand him not wanting to tell me right after it happened since I was still rooming with her. But only a couple of months after this incident, I moved out and completely broke off the friendship for other reasons. He had plenty of opportunities to tell me then. She wasn't drunk, and how could he be taking it out of context? The conversation went like this, according to him:

her: you love your gf, right?
him: yes
her: well, i love my bf
him: ok, and?
her: so, do you mind if I change in front of you? [he says she smiled coyly when she said this]
him: uh, the bathroom is right there

apparently, she got the hint after this and changed in the bathroom

I don't think he's lying though, because I've seen her try to seduce taken guys before (many times), and this incident happened right after he got me a promise ring (which she had been begging her boyfriend for for months), and she was absolutely crazy envious. I just didn't think it was enough to actually backstab me like that.

femmi1120

What caused your boyfriend to tell you this in the 1st place?? Did he just come blurt this, out of the blue??

We were talking about cheating, and he said he'd never do it, and I said "well, you've never had a girl try to tempt you, either." Then he admitted to this incident. He's had a million similar opportunities though, so idk why he chose the night of our anniversary to bring it up.

1996gtstang

your boyfriend didnt do anything wrong,he probably just didnt want to stir up a whole bunch of drama at the time. as long as you trust him and his story dont worry about it

flab2sixpack

What caused your boyfriend to tell you this in the 1st place?? Did he just come blurt this, out of the blue??

We were talking about cheating, and he said he'd never do it, and I said "well, you've never had a girl try to tempt you, either." Then he admitted to this incident. He's had a million similar opportunities though, so idk why he chose the night of our anniversary to bring it up.

Innocent enough. He probably felt comfortable and confident enough to tell you this without fear of any repercussions. Why? Because (as he said), nothing happened. Plus, when men cheat, women KNOW. Ya'll have some kind of freakin' built-in "cheating" detection system or something...

femmi1120

This has to be a guy thing...

No, I am not concerned that anything happened. I definitely trust him on that part.

It's the fact that he didn't tell me just to avoid an uncomfortable conversation. I don't see how that's ok... If he really had my best interest at heart, he would have told me so I could confront her and get her out of my life for good. Friends who do that are not real friends... He may have convinced himself that he was protecting me by lying about it, but he was only protecting himself and her...

mrosem87

Nothing happened and that was because YOUR BOYFRIEND dismissed her attempt to seduce him. HE prevented anything from happening... so honestly, he has nothing to protect from you on his end.

He wasn't trying to protect her either, but more so like he said, protecting the friendship you had with her (you did say she was your best friend and room mate at the time). And thought it might unnerve you that he didn't tell you about this when it occurred or even after you had broken off the friendship with that girl, I think your boyfriend's intentions were good and really did have your best interest at heart. Remember, he turned her down when he could have easily taken her up on the offer and not tell you.

And honestly, why does it matter now? Nothing happened. She's out of your life. He's still your boyfriend. You guys just celebrated your 4 year mark. You know that you can trust him. I think you should just drop this and let it go. You know? The only thing your boyfriend has proven is that he has self-control, he cares about you and that you were right to let that friend of yours go.

femmi1120

Nothing happened and that was because YOUR BOYFRIEND dismissed her attempt to seduce him. HE prevented anything from happening... so honestly, he has nothing to protect from you on his end.

He wasn't trying to protect her either, but more so like he said, protecting the friendship you had with her (you did say she was your best friend and room mate at the time). And thought it might unnerve you that he didn't tell you about this when it occurred or even after you had broken off the friendship with that girl, I think your boyfriend's intentions were good and really did have your best interest at heart. Remember, he turned her down when he could have easily taken her up on the offer and not tell you.

And honestly, why does it matter now? Nothing happened. She's out of your life. He's still your boyfriend. You guys just celebrated your 4 year mark. You know that you can trust him. I think you should just drop this and let it go. You know? The only thing your boyfriend has proven is that he has self-control, he cares about you and that you were right to let that friend of yours go.

I can agree with everything you said except for the part about him wanting to protect the friendship. The whole point I've been trying to make is that a friendship kind of becomes null and void when your friend tries to get naked in front of your boyfriend of 2 years. I just think I had a right to know that and if he really cared, he would've let me know how worthless she was.

Not to mention, now we suddenly get into "what else has he been hiding from me?"

taunto

edit: Never mind. Currently anything we say will sound like we're protecting our gender and that everybody else is right and you're right. I still do wish you good luck though in your future and loads of happiness

femmi1120

ok, while I understand your concern, think of it from his POV. First off...you should atleast congratulate him on denying that...seriously man..blue balls...

But anyways. Think of it from his POV. What would you say is a good time? If he tells you, the girl says he's a liar, theres a mistrust between you 2. He tells you, you get into a fight with your friend and then you still blame him. To be perfectly honest, you're not upset over him not telling you, you're upset over this happening and you not having any control over it. Its understandable but misdirected anger. He obviously thought for some reason that before today it wasnt a good enough reason to tell you. My advice, be happy he didnt do anything.

I understand why he didnt told you. 4 years later he tells you and you're here online talking about your personal problems wiht strangers (and I say this with love btw, I'm sorry if I sound hurtful). Right now, the more irrational you act, the more you validate his action.

Are you kidding? Congratulate him for doing what he was supposed to do in the first place?

As for his pov, he knows I'd believe him over her any day. Even back then. She's never had a reputation for being the most truthful person.

And the reason I'm talking to complete strangers, is because it's almost 3 in the freaking morning and I can't sleep because I am so sickened by this whole situation. I'm way to humiliated to talk to any of my friends about this.

Dexy_

I would believe it. This is because my boyfriend has been cheated on 2 times (2 separate women & relationships, both were long term and committed) & I know he would NEVER hurt me the way he had been hurt.

It does seem strange he wouldn't bring it up straight after it happened, but it *seems* innocent enough.

Edit: The person saying he needs to be congratulated for not doing anything with your former friend... WTF?! That makes me feel sick!

femmi1120

I would believe it. This is because my boyfriend has been cheated on 2 times (2 separate women & relationships, both were long term and committed) & I know he would NEVER hurt me the way he had been hurt.

It does seem strange he wouldn't bring it up straight after it happened, but it *seems* innocent enough.

Edit: The person saying he needs to be congratulated for not doing anything with your former friend... WTF?! That makes me feel sick!

To your edit: THANK YOU. Glad someone gets it.

Like I said, believing that he didn't do anything is not the issue whatsoever. I'm just angry and hurt that he kept it from me for so long. He has a really intense fear of confrontation and conflict and it's caused problems in the past, but this time, it's actually become a trust issue. Not trust in terms of cheating, but in terms of knowing he is being honest with me about everything. Like I said, this makes me wonder what else he may have lied about to avoid an argument.

Dexy_

Oh, I TOTALLY understand that. My partner is similar, he will avoid certain issues & if they come up in conversation anyway he'll do whatever he can to steer the conversation another way. We never get a chance to "fight" because he HATES conflict.

When it's a more reasonable hour, I'd get a kitchen timer out (I know, sounds silly) and tell him you'll talk for 10mins (more or less time whatever you feel is enough) and explain why you feel 'cheated' even though nothing happened. He cannot speak during your time. Once your time is up, he gets the same amount of time without being interrupted. Keep doing this until you feel the conversation has reached its end.

I hope you can get through to him how telling the truth is great, but not telling the WHOLE truth can be just as bad as lying. Good luck! xo

diver71_au

So you would prefer he told you EVERYTIME some girl flirted with him ?

It sounds to me like you are wanting your cake and to eat it as well (bad metaphor on here I know).
Guys see things black and white and not in the million shades of grade that women do,

He doesnt consider that he did anything wrong as it was HER that put it to him and HE DID NOTHING TO FEEL BAD ABOUT.

My wife insists on telling me everytime some guy hits on her and to be honest it shreds my guts sometimes.

My advice is that the genie is usually best left in the bottle if there is nothing to be gained from the release.

Dexy_

So you would prefer he told you EVERYTIME some girl flirted with him ?

It sounds to me like you are wanting your cake and to eat it as well (bad metaphor on here I know).
Guys see things black and white and not in the million shades of grade that women do,

He doesnt consider that he did anything wrong as it was HER that put it to him and HE DID NOTHING TO FEEL BAD ABOUT.

My wife insists on telling me everytime some guy hits on her and to be honest it shreds my guts sometimes.

My advice is that the genie is usually best left in the bottle if there is nothing to be gained from the release.

I see your point, but this wasn't a simple flirt. This was a FRIENDS attempt to have something happen. Not some stranger innocently hitting on him.

Dexy_

You're not eating enough.

^^ THIS

OMG just looked at your diary!! 1000calories? Really? Are you 4ft nothing?! If not, EAT MORE! Please message Helloitsdan and get him to run your numbers!

femmi1120

So you would prefer he told you EVERYTIME some girl flirted with him ?

It sounds to me like you are wanting your cake and to eat it as well (bad metaphor on here I know).
Guys see things black and white and not in the million shades of grade that women do,

He doesnt consider that he did anything wrong as it was HER that put it to him and HE DID NOTHING TO FEEL BAD ABOUT.

My wife insists on telling me everytime some guy hits on her and to be honest it shreds my guts sometimes.

My advice is that the genie is usually best left in the bottle if there is nothing to be gained from the release.

Ok, AGAIN. She was my BEST friend at the time. Not some random chick at a bar. It's not about what I would have gained had he told me sooner, it's about what I wouldn't have lost: time being friends with her and trust with him.

And I agree with your wife, I do think it's important that you hear it from her. Because if you were to hear it from someone else, you'd go crazy wondering about the details. Who was the guy? Why didn't she tell you about it? Was it because she has something to hide.

It's much better to have her get it out in the open so you know nothing is going on.

Also, my calories are kind of irrelevant in this thread. And Dexy, I am 4'11"

AngelsDream4Peace

Not to be upsetting to you, but I am sure you have kept something from someone that they felt was important too. I am also sure when you did it, you meant absolutely no harm, you had reasons, probably quite similar to his. The person you kept things from was or still is probably very special to you, or at least someone you care/d about. I am not saying what he did was right or anything and I am not saying that it wasn't hurtful for you, it is obvious that it is. I am saying though, maybe give him a little benefit of the doubt, put your self in his shoes. Maybe not on the same exact issue, but I would bet everyone has done this to someone else at some point or another, we are all humans, none of us are perfect and we would be lying if we thought any different. Handle it how you will, none of us can tell you how to do that, but at least think about it for a bit, before you do anything too crazy. I never follow that advice, but maybe you can try it out for me and let me know how it works.

Keep your chin up and good luck and take care. :flowerforyou:

And eat more food

taunto

Dont kill me but seriously, you should discuss this with your boyfriend rather than us. I have my deepest sympathy with the situation you've been put into and I curse the guy who dares to avoid confrontation and fights but really, try talking to him directly because everything in the thread that has been said that you didnt wanted to hear has been dismissed so right now you're just hearing yourself talk.

Just my $0.02

AngelsDream4Peace

this is a health and fitness site, I am sorry, but every ones calories are relevant in every thread, in my opinion of course.

femmi1120

Dont kill me but seriously, you should discuss this with your boyfriend rather than us. I have my deepest sympathy with the situation you've been put into and I curse the guy who dares to avoid confrontation and fights but really, try talking to him directly because everything in the thread that has been said that you didnt wanted to hear has been dismissed so right now you're just hearing yourself talk.

Just my $0.02

Already did talk to him. He knows what he did is wrong, he says he won't let it happen in the future. There's really no where to go from here. But the fact remains that this isn't something I can literally just get over overnight (especially without sleep). I just needed to get it out and get the input of a group of unbiased outsiders. Just because I don't agree with a lot of what's being said, doesn't mean I'm not taking it into consideration.

femmi1120

haha, On my last post I didn't even read the topic, now i read it.

Honestly, i don't believe that story one bit. I can't think of any of my friends, or me or anyone, where a girl said something like that, out of the blue. I don't even think they would even say something like that, "can i undress in front of you?"

Would any girl say that to a guy they like?

Things don't happen like that. What is the point of seeing a girl take off her clothes??? It's kind of dumb if nothing is going to happen. If something was going to happen, she would have basically asked for something else, not "want to watch me take off my clothes."

I call his story BS, if she was an easy girl, she would have just went for some action. If she's conservative she wouldn't have said anything.

Funny thing, why did he chose to tell you on this "SPECIAL DAY?" Many other opportunities to have told you this but he told you this on your anniversary. Wonder why? it's all bs, that's why, he just wanted to see how jealous he could get you.

I guess you'd have to know her. She was trying to see how far she could get him to go with her. Honestly, where do you think undressing in front of him would eventually have gone, considering how she knew I'd be in class for an hour?

He'd have absolutely no reason to try to make me jealous. i am more than jealous enough without his help, and as I said before, he HATES conflict and will do anything to avoid it.

femmi1120

haha, On my last post I didn't even read the topic, now i read it.

Honestly, i don't believe that story one bit. I can't think of any of my friends, or me or anyone, where a girl said something like that, out of the blue. I don't even think they would even say something like that, "can i undress in front of you?"

Would any girl say that to a guy they like?

Things don't happen like that. What is the point of seeing a girl take off her clothes??? It's kind of dumb if nothing is going to happen. If something was going to happen, she would have basically asked for something else, not "want to watch me take off my clothes."

I call his story BS, if she was an easy girl, she would have just went for some action. If she's conservative she wouldn't have said anything.

Funny thing, why did he chose to tell you on this "SPECIAL DAY?" Many other opportunities to have told you this but he told you this on your anniversary. Wonder why? it's all bs, that's why, he just wanted to see how jealous he could get you.

I guess you'd have to know her. She was trying to see how far she could get him to go with her. Honestly, where do you think undressing in front of him would eventually have gone, considering how she knew I'd be in class for an hour?

He'd have absolutely no reason to try to make me jealous. i am more than jealous enough without his help, and as I said before, he HATES conflict and will do anything to avoid it.

If he hates conflicts, then why did he tell you?

Also, yes where would it have gone if she did get undressed? WHy didn't she just ask for more, in the first place.

Because the topic of cheating came up and he wanted to prove that he could resist if any girl tried to tempt him. And she didn't ask for more because she was trying to find out how far she could push him. Like I said, you'd have to know her and how she operates. There's a reason she started it out by making it sound like it'd be totally innocent since he loves me, and she loved her bf.

And I sincerely hope you aren't trying to troll my topic. Because I really don't need this right now.

tkb1985

I feel for you. I once had a 'best friend' like this - and i'd just like to say you've got a good man there. A lot of the bad ones would have gone along with it.

I also completely understand you feeling hurt right now. It's raw in your mind - it may have happened 2 years ago, but if you only just found out about it, it may as well have happened yesterday in your mind.

Just remember though - you've admitted you get jealous (a flaw most people share when it comes to love), and you've said he avoids conflict at all costs - so you've answered your own question - those 2 things are exactly why he didn't tell you at the time. You've also said that he knows it was wrong not to tell you and that he'll not let something like that happen again.

IMO - and it's only an opinion - I don't know either of you at all, so it's all based on what you've written...

You love him. Clearly he loves you, and he sounds like he's upset that he's hurt you. You don't have to be OK right now, that's emotions for you, they're raw and uncontrollable. However, ask yourself this; if you trust he did nothing with this girl, you love him, and he loves you, should you let this drive you crazy? Should you let it come between you?

If the answer is no, then you'll be fine. Telling him you're upset is fine, and letting him know it's not OK to not tell you these things is fine, just also let him know it's not important, and you still love him.

femmi1120

I feel for you. I once had a 'best friend' like this - and i'd just like to say you've got a good man there. A lot of the bad ones would have gone along with it.

I also completely understand you feeling hurt right now. It's raw in your mind - it may have happened 2 years ago, but if you only just found out about it, it may as well have happened yesterday in your mind.

Just remember though - you've admitted you get jealous (a flaw most people share when it comes to love), and you've said he avoids conflict at all costs - so you've answered your own question - those 2 things are exactly why he didn't tell you at the time. You've also said that he knows it was wrong not to tell you and that he'll not let something like that happen again.

IMO - and it's only an opinion - I don't know either of you at all, so it's all based on what you've written...

You love him. Clearly he loves you, and he sounds like he's upset that he's hurt you. You don't have to be OK right now, that's emotions for you, they're raw and uncontrollable. However, ask yourself this; if you trust he did nothing with this girl, you love him, and he loves you, should you let this drive you crazy? Should you let it come between you?

If the answer is no, then you'll be fine. Telling him you're upset is fine, and letting him know it's not OK to not tell you these things is fine, just also let him know it's not important, and you still love him.

You're right. And I'm going to head to bed on that note, since it's probably one of the best and most understanding ones I've heard all night. Thank you.

hannahpage1991

I suppose it would have been better all round if your man had been upfront with you about how your friend behaved. How did you find this out? Did he tell you? Did your "friend"? If your boyfriend is coming clean now through his own mouth then it sounds like he thinks that you guys are now solid enough in this relationship to discuss it and know that he has only wanted to protect you with out ruining your relationship or your friendship with this other girl. Was your friend drunk when she did this? There are so many questions into understanding this, I know, and it must be hard. I hope everything works out and it's not catastrophic to your relationship. Your "friend" is either just a bad friend, or got stupidly drunk and attempted to show him she had feelings for him. Either way she was definitely no friend if she attempted to do this. I understand that right now you have all of these doubts and you feel the only answer is that your boyfriend is being dishonest. But try and get some answers before you block him out. All the best my lovely and don't be dishearted. Whatever the answer to this it is not the end of the world.

Wishing you Well,
Hannah
xxx