Constantly falling off the darn wagon!!!

okkit10

Hi all! I am a 31 year old female and I am 5'5 and about 140lbs. I lost a bunch of weight last year through Weight Watchers and went from 175 down to 125. In just the last few months I have ballooned up 15 pounds and I am not happy about it. I have struggled with my weight all my life and have always battled serious food addiction. I have lost and gained about 40 to 50 pounds at least 4 times in my life. I told a friend the other day that I think I lose weight just to gain it back. I have so many issues attached to food and weight it is ridiculous. I binge eat and have been doing so on and off since Christmas time, trying everything I could to stop it but being unsuccessful in the long run as I am still doing it. I live with my boyfriend and find that whenever he is not around I sneak food or go to the drive thrus and binge. I feel horrible about myself and this behavior, I feel like a drug addict! My boyfriend was my hugest supporter and support system through this last weight loss and I know he would be so disappointed in me if he knew the extent of my binges. I have tried to talk to him about it and he has tried to help but I always find ways around our solutions. I'm having such a hard time. I just want to eat, eat, eat. I think part of me just gives up each time I lose weight as well because I don't like my body. This last weight loss put me at the lowest weight I have ever been since I was in my early teens. Still, I would constantly look at my body at 125 pounds and be terribly disappointed. I wore a S/M and size 4 to 6 pant at 125lbs but my body was still apple shaped with a thicker waist and a 34DD chest not to mention that all the weight lost throughout my life has kind of stretched my skin out. I have skinny legs and no behind which really ticks me off. My boyfriend is constantly telling me that I'm beautiful and I know he is frustrated when I complain but I hate seeing my stupid broad shoulders, muffin top, and lack of a butt in the mirror. It hasn't gotten any better since I gained 15 pounds back by the way. My boobs and stomach and arms have just gotten more out of proportion to my hips and behind and legs. I desperately want to be an hourglass or pear shaped, petite and small chested...I know, I know, and you all would love to be millionaires. I joke about getting lipo, having ribs removed, etc. but honestly if I had all the money in the world I probably would. Pretty sad. I know my genetics can't be changed, I know I probably have body dysmorphia and need therapy, I know exercise would help too (and I absolutely HATE exercising by the way) but I just don't know how to get motivated to do anything. Anyway, I am going to really try to stick to the tracking on here and start taking Fastin again tomorrow which I cannot stand taking but I have to do something to surpress my appetite temporarily or I won't be able to stop eating. Maybe I can get myself to start exercising a little too, eck. Does anyone else struggle with the types of issues I have talked about here?

breezymom81

Welcome, I am also 31 married to a great guy with 2 kids. I am 5'2" and currently at 217(which makes me sick to say but...) I hide what I eat also...what got me serious, I bought frosting to make cupcakes for my son for school...and ate it all, then lied and said I forgot to buy it! I was so ashamed of myself. Anyways you cant change your whole body...I have NO waist which always make sme look funny and I must have your hips and butt as well as mine. I am tryign to learn to dress the right styles. I am also busty, always have been and have had a breast reduction done(I was 115 lbs with a 34DD heading to DDD) they came back...This is hard I would love nothing more then to go hit the vending machine right now....which means I do not bring any $$$ into work. I know that we can do this! Freind me I would love to be a support system!

AR73

Here is a tip I find useful, find a picture of yourself that you like and put it on the fridge.

I have one of when I was 22 and it helped me get from 295 to 205 last year.

danicamper

I am so glad you posted! I am 5'4" and have seriously issues with gaining and loosing 20lbs in each direction. I lost 8 lbs with the help of MFP and this past weekend I not only fell of the wagon I did a running leap off the wagon, enough to add three lbs back on. My bf too has tried to be helpful and I know he is annoyed by my contastant obsessing. I had a thought today, I only have one life to live and I am going to live it. I had a great weekend, yes I made unhealthy choices and yes I gained weight but I had a blast and I am back on track today. Looking at my life as a slow steady journey instead of as a race toward weight loss has helped give me a better perspective. If your boyfriend calls you beautiful, even if you don't agree, embrace the compliment and cut yourself some slack. Don't deprive yourself of your favorite foods, everything in moderation :-). If you need a friend on here or someone to talk too feel free to message/add me. Good luck!

carebear7951

Ugh. Had a whole response typed and bumped something...lost it.

Yes!!!!!! I have a definite food addiction and I also try to hide some of my binges. Kind of b/c I'm embarrassed and kind of b/c it seems like I almost think "if no one sees me eat it it won't count" I'm intelligent enough to know that that's not true, but I still do it.
I am 36 with 4 kids.
Here are some of my thoughts on food addiction. It's one of the worst ones b/c you HAVE to eat. And once I start....well, it's all history then. There is no way to just not buy any food at all.
I too have an apple figure and it gets worse as I get older. Not even sure I knew the extent of my apple until I was taking a before pic when I started "Ripped in 30"...I held the camera up over my head to get a shot of my back/behind...ugh!!!! Where did my hourglass go??? I have no waist and no behind.
I do feel pretty good about my body when I lose the weight though (I think it looks like I have no behind b/c my hips and tummy are so big comparatively). Maybe you need to replace the lies in your mind with the truth. And until you do you will probably self sabotage every time. Practice saying what is good about yourself (I know, corny!) And find an exercise you like. Or at least don't hate. I also watch tv shows on my laptop while doing elliptical-which I hate hate hate unless I distract myself with tv or music. Or I run with an mp3. Or I pray while I'm running and sing in my head (can't sing for real cause breathing is an issue lol)...
You are not alone when you hide your binges. I will buy 2 bags of candy so I can eat a whole one and not have anyone realize I did it. Or if I think I'm going to have to share with my kids...I will buy two. Blah. So far today....doing good.
Do you think we will just have to take this one day at a time just like any other addiction? Tomorrow is too much to face so only say "for today I'm not going to eat more than what my body needs". I'm working on it....we can do this!

MMarvelous

I can relate so well. Write down what you dislike about your body. Then write down what you LOVE about your body and yourself. This can be VERY difficult especially for women. Sometimes when write things down it makes them seem not as bad as when we look in the mirror. So you have no butt...wish I could sell you some of mine and I would give you a 50% discount on some hips too! ;-) Next time you are about to binge write down how you feel prior to , during and afterwards. If you can recognize the triggers, you maybe able to reduce or stop your binge eating. It works sometimes for me and other times it does not b/c I want the feeling of the food more than anything else. Other times I get past the desire to binge and pat myself on the back for not giving into the feeling. I would recommend seeking professional help as we are all different and will need different approaches to solve similar problems.

AliciaLucas_72

WOW so much. But it sounds like you are being honest about what is in your way. I have had a weight struggle all my life as well, I have always been comfortable in my skin at any weight i have been until recently I am 39 yo now and after 4 pregnancies in 5 yrs the last one resulting in gorgeous twins my body is not what it used to be. I am no longer all that comfortable in my skin I do not like the way I look and I want to be in good shape for my kids. So while I wasn't always a big fan of exercising i have learned to look at it as a way for me to play. i find workouts i like and do that. If walking is your thing do that, if you like to dance get a Wii or Kinect and get some dance video games and dance or take a Zumba class. if you like to ride a bike do that. Exercise does not have to be P90X if that is not what your into just work up a sweat 30 minute 3-4 times a week with something you like, and what also helped for me is that I see it as me time a time where i am thinking and taking care of myself. These are all suggestions. And by all means if you feel you have a food addiction or body dysmorphia seek therapy, anything helps when it comes to taking care of yourself. Good luck sweetie and take care of YOURSELF.
:flowerforyou:

Usbornegal

So frustrating to lose grasp of control after being so successful. There are so many dynamics of what you describe that it is hard to touch them all in a forum post. You are trying to feed things other than for nutrition. You might want to find a good therapist or an Overeaters Anonymous meeting to help you avoid self defeating behaviors likke you describe.

Blueyz82

You are so not alone. I will be 30 in less than a month, single, no kids. I have struggled with my weight my entire life! I was always the fat kid that everyone liked to make fun of in elementary school...I have yo-yoed as well. I gradually gain weight every year up until college. They say freshmen fifteen, instead of gaining, I lost at least 15 llbs my freshmen year! Cafeteria food sucked! Anyway, through out college I worked out often, and stayed active and my weight was around 185?? when I graduated, which is around what I was at age 16, so progress. I then moved back home, and gained it all back gradually...my biggest was 230 ish. I am down to 216 and want to weight 140. I am such an emotional eater! I was doing great my first 2 weeks on MFP and then my Dad ended up in the hosptial and I went downhill from there! It's been over a month since my Dad's heart attack and he is doing very well, but I am still struggling to get back on track...I have to mention, I work with chocolate on a daily basis, 48 hrs a week! Chocolate is my biggest weakness! I also am really hard on myself when I indulge and then overindulge, I have a hard time just having a little bit of something. So, I am just praying for some motivation right now. I have a great support system, but I do think it wouldn't hurt to add more people to that support system! Feel free to add me if you would like, it couldn't hurt, right?! Good luck to you!

RAVE1

Just found this post doing a search on weight gain and hating oneself!!! Yeah, great positive way to start the day.

I signed up to this site just to let you know that there is a form of exercise that completely changes your proportions.
It's called Callanetics. You can do it without dieting and still see results in 10 hours!!!

I used it in conjunction with a very strict diet and very little cardio ( 20 minutes 3 times a week in conjunction with a 30 mins walk daily) and it looked like I had lost almost twice as much.

My bum is huge and now needs its own zip code, it's also cellulite ridden.

I thought I could never change my shape, but that exercise acted like lipo. By the way, lipo is useless as the fat will go back to a different part of your body, latest stories have shown.

I used AM PM Callanetics for my weight loss, and at first, only did the AM part which got me results in about 2 weeks of daily exercise. Don't take my word for it, go to the Amazon page and see the comments, also check the before/after pictures. I haven't tried the new version of Callanetics, so don't know what kind of results you can expect.

The results make you feel good and sort of re-arrange the fat, if you are not dieting.

Best of luck to you all. I have now gained 12 kilos through depression, debilitating work, worries about debt and survival, and this is the 3rd time in about 5 years I am back to square one...

Brandicaloriecountess

For me it's about a willingness. I have to be willing to workout, and I have to be willing to often times NOT eat something that looks, smells and would taste REALLY good! Today my daughter had chips and cheese sauce, it took everything I had not to eat one. I almost did, in fact I reached for one and then thought, nope, don't do it, so I didn't.