New Here & Need Support (long post - sorry!)

stormy_eyez742

Hello All,

I am a 38 yr old mom of 4 (3 still at home) great kids and wife to an awesome husband. I will start off by telling you I have struggled with my weight and self-esteem all my life. I am 5'5'' and 181lbs, my heaviest was 244. Overeating and self sabotage have been my constant companions. I have tried everything short of gastric bypass (only because I was too chicken). I have joined WL programs, hired trainers, nutritionists, binged/purged, attended fitness/exercise classes, taken OTC/prescription diet pills, and finally Lap-band. Want to know what helped me the most? None of it! Why? Because I relied on all those things to do it for me instead of being tools. Hey, if I'm being honest then I might as well lay it ALL out there. If anyone has ever heard the song by Pink called Don't Let Me Get Me, then you get the idea.

I did try those last two drastic measures because I was trying to do two things: 1) lose weight 2)avoid spinal surgery. I had a spinal fracture, spine instability, w/resulting nerve issues. I was told if I didn't have the surgery I would be in a wheelchair by the time I was 40. Unfortunately after drastically altering myself chemically and surgically to lose weight, I ended up having to have back surgery anyway. A little over a year ago I had spinal fusion w/instrumentation because it had gotten to the point I couldn't walk, stand, or even get out of bed without assistance. The pain of dealing with that became greater than my fear of having rods/screws/plates/bone grafts installed. It was the most excruciating thing I've ever had to endure physically.

Anyway, I began physical therapy and it must have been working because I stopped going. Yep, when the going gets tough - I quit! There, I said it. Apparently due to under developed core/stomach muscles from birth then atrophy due to the back issue I struggled with every single exercise the therapist gave me. I can't even balance myself! So what did I do instead? I went back to the doctor a little under a year out from my surgery and began taking Phentermine again.

Where am I now, one year and four months post-op? Gym membership, under doctor supervised weight management and taking Phentermine (again). It's time for me to get real with myself and the only way I'm going to do that is to hold myself accountable. I am terrified to try to lose weight and build strength without some type of 'crutch'. I am hoping with the support of this forum, determination, and healthier habits (eating, exercise, etc.) I will finally be able to achieve results and rely on MYSELF for once.

Some of my biggest struggles are with knowing what to eat, how much to eat, and figuring out a way to feed my family with healthy, budget friendly meals/recipes. Water- I despise it. Self control, especially when food tracking. I feel more hungry when I'm focused on food all the time. Which leads to pigging out, logging it, then feeling horrible, and I stop tracking. Exercise - am I strengthening or injuring myself? Am I doing the exercise with proper form? With my fusion I never know if I am causing damage to myself or if the pain I am feeling is 'normal' muscle strain. I know there are some exercises I just can't do because inflexibility in my lower lumbar due to the rods. I don't know if anyone will make it this far into my post but if you do - I appreciate it and if you have any input then that is GREATLY appreciated. Well, I think I've overwhelmed everyone enough. Thanks for 'listening'.

AR73

Well done for writing that post. It was quite a lot that you needed of your chest. My advice is to read. Read loads here about what people have done to loose weight and how they have achieved it. Post questions, seek encouragement an be persistent. You will get there with perseverence.

stormy_eyez742

Thank you! I am poring over all that I can. So many great posts, so little time! I am determined to live a better, healthier life. Since my 13 yr old daughter is struggling with her weight, I will not give up, I want better for both of us. Thanks again for taking the time to reply and offer great advice.

mbeth21

Some of my biggest struggles are with knowing what to eat, how much to eat, and figuring out a way to feed my family with healthy, budget friendly meals/recipes. Water- I despise it. Self control, especially when food tracking. I feel more hungry when I'm focused on food all the time. Which leads to pigging out, logging it, then feeling horrible, and I stop tracking.

Wait - did I just write this? I honestly HATE tracking my food, hate telling myself that I need to go on a diet/make a change because I end up having anxiety over what I can't eat and then I eat it all anyway. And then, I completely give up. I'm trying MFP for the 4th or 5th time now. I'm hoping I can stick with it. I've got a smart phone now so there is no excuse for me to not log my food.

One of my goals from the new year is to cook more. Try skinnytaste.com - great, healthy recipes to get you started. My goal is to cook at least 2x a week.

You can do this! We can do this!

lglg11

Welcome ! So glad you are here . One day at a time and you will do fine !

Read read and then reread what you read ! I always over complicated it but once you truly understand how the body works ( or somewhat ) it is much easier .

I will send you a friend request

Mberanek408

Its one of the best therapies to vent to folks whom you can feel like you are being your total authentic self with. Most of us are struggling with the same things in life & have turned to food for comfort. You can do this...What I do is tell myself I am worth it & beautiful every day to turn off that nagging littel voice in my head that says otherwise....

stormy_eyez742

mbeth21 - Yes we can! Sounds like you're doing a lot to try and make this work. I cook pretty much every night. It's too expensive for a family of 5 to eat out much. I have found that eating healthy is pricey too and it will be nice to have our garden going soon! As for tracking my food, I'm just trying to keep in mind that even if I cave and eat a king size candy bar that I have to log it and be willing to work it off. A boulder will not fall on me or some other catastrophic event due to "falling off the wagon". I just have to be careful not to let that turn into permission to go all out either. Not to mention, I have this entire support community to lean on that I didn't realize was here!! I'm deeply grateful for that.

lglg11 - Thanks for the warm welcome! I am the queen of over complication. It seems math and food are the areas I target for making things exponentially more difficult. lol

Mberanek - Thank you for the support. Although I hate that anyone has to deal with weight issues, it is comforting to know I'm not alone. You have a great daily mantra to hush the negative stuff. I have thought about putting post-it notes with motivational phrases on them all over my house to keep up the momentum.