Helping Kids and Getting Everyone on Board

RoseAndrew135

I see lots of posts about how parents are to be blamed for their kids being overweight and I totally get it, but...I'm at a loss. My daughter is overweight and I'm trying. I tried from the beginning to help teach her good eating habits. I always made good choices available. Fruit, whole grains, yogurt for snacks, etc. I cooked healthy meals. Although I admit I now have 15 pounds to lose myself, I've tried to keep things balanced. I've also tried my best to encourage activity. I've bought them jump ropes and jump with them, videos for kids to workout to and done them with my kids, I pay monthly for a gym membership and take my daughter up there with me every chance I can. While I jog on the treadmill, she walks at the slowest possible pace and then sits on the weight bench to play with her iPod. When I encourage her to work up a sweat, she rolls her eyes and resists. We do take walks around the neighborhood, but she's so out of shape that if I get going at all, she's out of breath.

To be honest, it feels like the biggest obstacle is my husband. He's the donut dad. He's the breakfast at Burger King dad. He looks for any excuse to treat the kids -- and I suspect a big part of that is so he can treat himself. It's really frustrating. On the one hand, I resent heck out seeing all the work I'm trying to do undone by his "treats." He cares nothing about exercise, and he sees me as a fanatic, because I go to the gym several times a week and count my calories. The truth is, I USED to be a fanatic -- I had a painful eating disorder all through my twenties, and I was determined to help my kids avoid that by establishing healthy habits from an early age. I feel like I've been undercut at every turn and I'm mad. On the other hand, my daughter is now at a very vulnerable age and I feel like if I take a stand against what my husband is doing, I'll come off harsh and punitive, and put into motion a spiral that will eventually lead her to the very thing I was trying to avoid. I feel like I'm walking in land mines.

So what I'm asking is -- 1. Have any of you been in this situation and resolved it successfully? I don't want to start a war in my family. I want for our focus as a family to be on health. How do I get everyone on board without being the bad guy? and
2. Please think twice before you judge the parents -- or at least think twice before you post those judgemental comments. I feel awful enough about the situation as it is. It's not always as clear cut as you think it is. Yes, all these problems do come from lifestyle factors, and parents do have a huge amount of power. But even with that said, it's not as easy as it looks.

Jurdoc2be

My first thought was that you are fighting against your husband. And God bless and love him, I do, but he isn't in to exercise or eating healthy. You are not a fanatic at all. I have always admired your tenacity with diet and exercise. I fight against it too. My dh wants to be thin, but he wants to eat and live like he did at 25. So....I just do my thing and hope that something will rub off on them. I may not see it today, but I may see it later in their actions. And I take every chance to explain to them why I eat healthy foods. I mean what that specific food does or why we ate fish on Halloween night before we went out and scarfed junk food. It is so easy to let his bad habits lead me or not give a damn and fall apart. You know because you have watched me for 9 years! I am so done with that though! So done with it!

ttck4eva

Hello
Not sure how old your daughter is but mine is 6. She has always been
Overweight and since the minute she could talk always wanted food more food. Even 5 mins after a big roast dinner she would be asking asking asking! She is now at a 'normal' weight although only just. I am grateful she doesn't look overweight any more as I worried for her at school! Whichever health visitor or dietician I spoke to (we have seen many) gave me conflicting advice! Her problem is she LOVES food and never recognises she is full! She is only normal weight nuw because of lots of hard work from me! I balance all her meals to make sure she gets the nutrition she needs and the right potion. She cooks with me and is starting to understand about healthy food. My biggest difficulty but the one that has has the
Most impact is looking for relatively healthy treats eg ice gems vs a chocolate bar or light chocolate mousse vs a cake. I try and make her pack lunches etc so she doesn't feel deprived of sweets (since her friends have so many and are slim!!). I have also introduced treat days - wed and sat where she can have sweets or something like fishfingers and oven chips. The last dietician we saw said it was all about her feeling like she isn't missing out and learning the importance of everything in moderation. Her dad is a 'treat' dad too and I do get a bit annoyed if its not a wed

ttck4eva

Oops pressed button too soon -

Or sat but the majority of the times he sticks to these days too now as they are frequent enough! It is really hard and I guess maybe harder if she is older as you will have less control but I hope my experience helps a little. I also spent time finding out what exercise she likes and then invested in a trampoline, started her swimming, hula hoop and ballet lessons - she loves going to these whereas other things I have 'encouraged' her to do haven't worked.

Good luck - I know how hard it is and completely understand the worry and guilt (misplaced!) attached x

marsellient

All you can do is lead by example. I have struggled all my life with weight and unfortunately so does my daughter. She knows how to eat healthily, but there was a time when the two of us thought we deserved treats, and so I partly do blame myself. She's all grown up now and does know what she has to do to stay in shape, and has successfully kept her weight in the healthy range for periods. Be strong with yourself, but know that nagging will not help.

hdlb123

How old is she? If shes a teenager, just invite her to come along, but she needs to make the choice. If shes younger, you have more control. Especially over what foods are in the house and what is put in front of her. Your husband most def. needs to be on board with what you are doing though.

I am probably the worlds meanest mommy when it comes to my kids eating. We don't have candy, sugar cereal, cheese crackers, juice, popsicles, ice cream, pop cookies, cake, chips....the list goes on lol. We do have chips/candy/donuts once in awhile. Like once a week or once every two weeks. If my husband and I would quit sneaking treats after they go to bed we would be fairly skinny by now lol.

garp4

I have a couple of things to add that "might" help.

Talk to your husband about budgeting food expenses. Maybe if those "treats" monies were to be used somewhere else (like for something he is wanting) he would be less likely to do it so often. I have to say I was very guilty of going through the drive through. We did not eat out much growing up so I really like doing it as an adult, but now I have to say it has been months. The kids aren't really asking for it either.

Not sure how old your daughter is, but maybe if she is old enough have her talk to her Dr. and a nutritionist. That way it isn't coming from mom.

Is she interested in sports at at? Maybe get her in a gymnastics, karate, or swimming program?

RoseAndrew135

Thanks for all the replies. My daughter is 12, and for about the last two years or so has gained -- she was pretty normal-sized before that. I see so much of myself at that age in her, and that's what scares me -- I don't want her to go through the years of hating herself, years of abusing herself that I did. I really wanted to get her started on a healthy track so she could avoid all that. DH and I have talked and agreed on boundaries, and he agrees with me to my face, then goes right on bringing home the 2-liter orange sodas. So I guess I'll just keep doing what I'm doing, and hopefully it'll sink in. She did tell me the other day that she'd done Tae Bo at school and liked it, so I'll try that, too. I think once she finds something that's fun enough to take her mind off how hard she's working, she'll be more on board.